Why some people are successful with dating, while other people struggle for years.

Alternative-Deer-144 · 2026-02-05T09:05:32+00:00

sometimes the hand is just too shitty to play with. it's not a confidence game like poker as others can see your hand - you cant bluff that you arent 5'4 for example

every normal human wants a partner. why would i care about building anything if i still end up alone by the end of it?

> then chances are you got dealt an optimal hand in a different aspect of life

this isnt how it works at all. the world is not just, equal or even. there's no grand moral arbiter or universal balance

SmirchaelMiconish · 2026-02-05T06:03:11+00:00

This is true and a healthy outlook to strive for. The consequences of a bad hand in the examples you gave are starkly different from long term or permanent romantic failure though, at least for a good number of people who experience it. Pretty easy to pivot away from wanting to be even a good high school sprinter. Wanting to be seriously jacked as a man is a more common desire and while some men will struggle to make significant gains and almost no one ends up looking like The Rock, this isn't typically a big issue for most men. More of a "damn I wish I could" than a "this is unbearable" reaction typically.

But for anyone who gets dealt a genuinely bad hand in ways that severely limit their dating and romantic life, that's more likely to cause lasting pain. Your advice is still good and maybe even more important for those people, but implementing it can be really hard.

I'm a sex haver and a relationship haver, though there was a point when I doubted either would happen. I never hated myself for my dating struggles. I never hated women collectively or the individuals who weren't interested in me. I didn't really place blame for my struggles anywhere. I was dealt a bd hand and my stuff made sense in a sad way. The ache that no one had seen me as someone to experience a unique kind of connection and joy with and the dread that maybe no one ever would were the hardest things I've endured. First world problem but then I've been dirt poor and deathly ill but those things didn't twist my soul in knots.

Playing the hand I was dealt fairly well kept me adjacent to a dating and romantic life and with a little luck I found someone and that relationship was a disaster, which also happens for people who have struggled and get a little desperate. A lot desperate.

But I got through that and learned and that's a common experience. But some people aren't as lucky as I was or their luck comes much later than it did for me.

I'm rambling because while your advice is good it seems to gloss over what for me anyway was an existential pain I feared would be chronic. Your examples are illustrative but they ultimately dismiss the anguish some people feel when it appears no one will ever care about them in that way. Gentle and well meaning but dismissive. The compensatory gift thing at the end is kind of a tell. Those gifts aren't given in some kind of cosmic balancing design, they develop to fill a void.

Siukslinis_acc · 2026-02-05T04:10:51+00:00

Luck. A lot of relationships start due to rng. Being at the right place at the right time and stumbling onto the right person.

Livid-Log7463 · 2026-02-05T04:49:43+00:00

Unfortunately, unlike women, men can be dealt too few cards to play the game of relationships at all, never enough no matter what they tried to play.

Feeling_Ad_1034 · 2026-02-05T13:27:48+00:00

Some people are naturally talented at sprinting, while other people are fat and slow-twitch dominant

Yes, but track & Field is objective in how fast someone is. There are clear 1st, 2nd, 3rd place for races, and people can see how they rank based on the school's history. Dating is subjective.

"Success" and "Failure" are all relative. I have friends that are hot and tall enough to be male models that have shitshow lives with drama and nonsense over "this one girl" who strings them along and make them miserable.

So most of the "Success" or "Failure" you perceive comes from how people talk about their dating lives, how much they are willing to "settle" or "feel like they settled", and how unrealistic their standards are.

Logos1789 · 2026-02-05T21:19:24+00:00

lol why not focus on the things your body isn’t pushing you toward 24/7 as a matter of evolutionary design? Not sure, probably sex drive and a sexualized culture.

Muscletov · 2026-02-05T09:42:44+00:00

(Blue pilled/mainstream) people argue all the time that the cards regarding dating are not "universal", i.e. that shitty cards don't exist, it just depends on where you play them.

Though I think this is bullshit. It's very easy to say which traits (cards) are attractive and which aren't, statistically. And I think it goes double for men because women are stricter and less varied in their preferences/standards. For example, being a 5'3 man is strictly worse than being a 6'3 man.

Sure, exceptions always exist, but sexual selection is not even remotely as "individualistic" as especially western cultures pretend. It's a fantasy.

Reasonable_Mouse789 · 2026-02-05T05:34:57+00:00

Success:

your looks relative to hers
what part of her monthly cycle is she on
are you alone
does she have time
how much time do you spend
how much alcohol is involved
what’s the setting
do you have any inherent baseline of trust (stranger in parking lot vs. friend)
money
confident, outgoing banter
give charming compliment about their looks (you look great)
status (fame/play in a band/athlete/popular person)
experience seducing a bunch of strangers before (dark triad traits tbh)
familiar with their and your own body language
how responsible/safe/comfortable do you seem
do you lean towards being masculine/leadership material
are they cheating?
how sex positive are they?
what’s their IQ?
what’s their emotional intelligence?
how many people are you willing to talk to?
most of the time, compatibility and a unique personality won’t matter. These are the only things that I don’t think consistently do anything, and why people get jaded

-hypnose · 2026-02-05T11:04:49+00:00

As an autistic woman, I partly empathize and partly disagree. Dating is for everyone, and it should be a deeply personal experience that unfolds differently for each person. There shouldn’t really be such a thing as being “good” or “bad” at dating.

That said, with so much dating advice circulating online, a lot of dating behavior has become oddly predictable. Much of this advice pushes people into rigid categories and roles, when the actual goal should be compatibility.

Speaking as a woman who dates men, the ones often described as “good at dating” tend to be good only at the beginning. They know how to perform attraction, but the real question is whether they know how to genuinely relate to someone of the opposite sex. I’ve seen many men like this who struggle to deepen a bond, and that becomes unstimulating or worse very quickly.

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Cool-Mixture-4123 · 2026-02-05T16:46:32+00:00

This is true, and the outrageous range of variables of humanity is why I can't believe all the "studies" used around the sub. Human psychology and sexuality is a spectrum and controlling for one detail disregards all the unique features and backstories.

One can reshuffle their cards often with the obvs fitness/grooming bit, but especially not letting themselves fall into rigid mindsets. Therapy can be very helpful

Jephta · 2026-02-06T13:49:38+00:00

If you got dealt a shitty deck of cards in terms of dating, then chances are you got dealt an optimal hand in a different aspect of life. Why not focus on the things you're actually good rather than fixating on the things you're really bad at?

The problem is dating is something that actually matters but most other things don't actually matter (even though they often feel like they do at the time). At one point in time, I was very good at Dota 2. I went in this giant rabbit hole obsession of playing the game constantly, keeping up with every update and the pro scene, etc. At the time, it felt fulfilling and like I was developing mastery and making lots of friends and I was generally pretty happy. But when I came out of it, I realized I just kind of developed a completely useless skill and now I'm 3.5 years older. I can't even go back and play the game now because it's changed so much since I played. Truly a useless waste of time.

Most things in life are like that. Distractions from the few things that matter.

TrueAutonomy45 · 2026-02-06T19:33:10+00:00

Not everyone gets a happy ending.

PattayaVagabond · 2026-02-05T03:22:38+00:00

yeah i realized that recently too.

I have horrible hand of cards in terms of socializing/dating. I get rejected by most people i interact with. Widely unpopular/disliked. Controversial. Start fights.

but I have top 1 percent IQ (according to tests growing up) and I have top 1 percent industriousness according to personality tests.

So i am just not going to focus on socializing/dating and Just focus on making money.

LawfulnessSuper5091 · 2026-02-09T05:10:06+00:00

Reddit version:

I have a bad hand, just look at this shitty 3 of clubs, and that 5 of diamonds is mid too. Advice?

Play the 5 and it'll turn into a 9 of diamo...

But I have this SHITTY 3 OF CLUBS

Also, I see you have a pair of Queens, you can lean into tha...

SHITTY 3 OF CLUBS MY LIFE IS OVER.

Do you want our advi....

3 OFFFFF.....

Trade some gaming in your basement for Hobby X and you'll pick up a Jack of Hearts you c....

CLUUBBBBSSSS!

mashedturnip · 2026-02-05T03:12:58+00:00

What you’re playing for also matters, and can differ

FearInoculumTool · 2026-02-05T05:56:43+00:00

It’s all about internal mindset. For every guy who says “I can’t get laid because I’m 5’7””, you can find a guy who has a girlfriend. For every bald guy who says losing his hair is the reason for not getting laid, you will find a bold guy that’s killing it.

So it must be the internal mindset that’s the problem. I have found that men who struggle with women share the same thing in common. And that is that they don’t like themselves very much and many downright hate themselves. Unfortunately for them, this negative self image gets clearly projected to women who can smell it from across the room. And women simply follow these guy’s lead, which is to say, that if a guy thinks he is a worthless subhuman, so will she.

Title	Why some people are successful with dating, while other people struggle for years.
Author	TopTierProphet
Upvotes	5
Comments	51
Date	February 4, 2026 6:54 PM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1qvxazy/why_some_people_are_successful_with_dating_while/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-some-people-are-successful-with-dating-while.1572736 https://theredarchive.com/post/1572736

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