One of the hardest things for me to come to terms with was the fact I was never going to get any explanations for my ex's actions in destroying our family, nor was she ever going to admit her culpability.

I am struggling with this sword of damocles hanging above the future. I was reading some struggles here on the subreddit and my thoughts turned to relating my 'success story', but I realised it's only transient - there's always the next challenge, always the chance that she will do something lunatic - and I have another 16 years of this.

As it pertains to the relationship, my mind and soul feel like they are a screen that used to display her photograph, mostly blank but sometimes flickering and fading as the batteries die - most of the time I feel fine and calm, and every time I feel fine I start to believe I've finally worked through everything. Until there's a flash of her which hooks straight into my most primal brain and I realise I am not 'done'. I recognise now that I will never be done, those memories will never go and the feelings will never die totally.