I was made aware of this sub a couple of months ago now after having a personal crisis about my wife being away and fucking some Chad from her work. (Still don't know if she did or not but that's not why I'm writing now) The story is still there in my post history if any one actually wants to read it, but I'm sure you have seen the same story a thousand times before. I was a bit of a wreck, it felt like my world was just collapsing around me. Then I was guided here.
I was confronted with the hard truth, I was fat, weak and mentally lost. I have started running to burn of the fat, 8kg gone in two months. Bought some dumbbells, to get some form of strength. I know I should be at the gym, but I really was so weak that it would have been a complete embarrassment. I have also started counting calories and paying attention to my macros. I have learnt a load about building muscle and I am applying what I have learnt. Physically I am slowly getting bigger and leaner week by week.
I have immersed myself in the required reading. I'm continual learning about the true nature of women and I can see I have done it all completely wrong with my wife for 20 years. I have come to the conclusion that the whole of my relationship with my wife I have been so far past beta its untrue. I was a rebound guy for her, we did LDR, she moved into my house straight after that, I've negotiated desire for most if not all of our relationship, I threw away my career to look after the children when they came to make sure she had hers and now I am currently almost completely financially dependent on her. I can go on and on.
As I am internalizing all of this new knowledge I am starting to realize that my wife is with me because I am the comfortable option. I suppose I'm coming to terms with the fact I wasn't the prize for her. The thing is this is starting to piss me off more and more every day. I seems I have a new epiphany every day about something my wife has done in the past, why she did it and what it shows she truly thinks or tought about me. To borrow another Matrix quote, "We have a rule. We never free a mind after a certain age, it has trouble letting go." It feels like that red pill is sticking and catching all the way down.
I don't quite know what to do about this, where to put my mindset. I'm finding myself actually feeling resentful of my wife, our relationship's dynamic. Is this just how it is? Suck it up change it? How do I stop going too far and over compensating? I don't want to chuck the relationship in the bin, I want it rebuilt differently. Does it have to be knocked down completely first, or is that what I am mentally doing at the moment? Is there a book that deals specifically with a red pill awakening while married? I feel like some sage guidance now will help me move in the right direction, and could possibly stop me destroying our family completely.