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Decision time

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December 12, 2017
8 upvotes

I’ve made a mess of my relationship. I haven’t led. I haven’t owned my shit. I put all of my effort in to trying to save a dying relationship and I have failed. I squished the bunny in my big dumb hands.

The last 2+ years we have been ‘working on it’. It’s really just an extended anger phase for me. She’s been trying any easy way to deal with it. Pills, booze and time away.

Things have changed. I’m way more independent. When she dropped the ball on our shared finances I picked it up and didn’t complain. When she fucked up our dogs medication I picked that up too (still angry it caused him pain before I caught it)

I’m in the BJJ gym a minimum of twice a week. I’m working on adding a third session. My body broke the last time I did. I’m much stronger now though. My diet is much better too.

This isn’t even close to fixed, but I am a better man than I was 5 years ago.

March, She said she was done. She wants a divorce. She agreed to go to half hearted therapy. I got a lot from it. It helped me to clear the anger, to see how detached she was. We argued again in October, she said she wants a divorce again and I finally let go. I told her that I would never be able to change her mind about us and said that we should follow through this time.

I started making moves toward our end. Arranging our finances to split them. Looking for a new home. Setting my budget. We decided to wait to the beginning of the year to sell our home. No kids to worry about.

The holidays were approaching and we normally spend time with her family out of state. I thought about it for a while and decided that if we were divorcing that it would be easier on me and her family if I didn’t go. I told her that I had decided to holiday alone.

A few days later she came back and said that my decision made her sad. That she wished that I would reconsider my decision and go with her. She said she didn’t know what it meant, that she didn’t want to get my hopes up, but she wants me with her.

So MRP, what do I do? Do I go with my wife or do I stay home.


Post Information
Title Decision time
Author Chuckaloft
Upvotes 8
Comments 80
Date 12 December 2017 03:22 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205069
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/7jbdyt/decision_time/
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[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy

I think you already know what you want to do, you're just being a pussy about it. Just man up and make a decision.

If it were me I wouldn't go.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret12 points13 points  (19 children) | Copy

So your wife has said that she wants a divorce twice and now her feelings are hurt because you aren't complying with her wishes?

The real question is what do you want. You saying this is making the divorce 'real' to her. If you are truly getting a divorce, I wouldn't go if I were you. Don't comply with what she wants... but rather what do YOU want.

[–]Chuckaloft[S] -3 points-2 points  (18 children) | Copy

Honestly I would rather not get divorced. Our combined income affords us a nice lifestyle. We don’t have kids and we are in our 40s. We are nearly debt free. We are set up to have a nice second half of life. I don’t want to end up raising some other assholes kids.

On the other hand. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. I can’t make her want to be here, so I have to let her go.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

I know you'd rather not get divorced. But apparently she would.

If you can have a nice life together financially, you both can have a nice life separately... with your money with you, and her money with her.

There is no way I would be with a woman who didn't want me -- not now.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret10 points11 points  (7 children) | Copy

Our combined income affords us a nice lifestyle.

What the fuck? Are you serious?

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret10 points11 points  (5 children) | Copy

Comfort is a bitch ain't it?

[–]Chuckaloft[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Hell yeah it is! I see so much upside to staying together. The reality is the upside was all created by me. I can build it again. I’ve just lost time.

[–]mrpthrowa2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Do you seriously want to spend the rest of your life, up to your deathbed, with that bitch?

[–]innominating1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Why don’t you spin 24-29 year old, childless, HB plates?

[–]imdar3ald3al0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah. Divorce rape sucks. I'd watch Terrence popp's YouTube video, "How to beat the bitch in divorce". You need to play defense, bc divorce will entitle her to roughly half your assets AND alimony.

But that's up to you whether or not you want to play hardball. I would play defense regardless.

If you decide to try to keep most of your assets, go to the holiday gathering and drag out the divorce as long as you can to get the upper hand

[–]Chump_No_More0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I've been in a relationship where she had 'one foot out the door' the entire time. It's soul sucking... don't do that.

If you're not thinking "fuck yeah!" about this woman and your best response is "nice lifestyle", then you're living in a scarcity mindset and selling yourself short.

Any aspect of your life which is not "fuck yeah!" is not worth the time or effort and should be pruned immediately... that includes any relationship.

Do you honestly value your time so poorly? Dude, you have one life to live... time to start maximizing every moment.

Regret sucks and believe me, you stay with this woman, you will end up regretting it. Don't be that guy.

[–]classic7290 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The most addicting thing in the world is a steady paycheque. OP, you will adjust to your new lifestyle.

Trust in your fellow Red Pillars. (Pun intended)

[–]WesternhagenWinner7 points8 points  (6 children) | Copy

We don’t have kids and we are in our 40s.

OK, so it's a no-brainer! Next!

I don’t want to end up raising some other assholes kids.

But why would you do that? That is something that is totally under your control. There are plenty of high-quality childless women out there. Heck you could easily find a woman in her early 30s who wants to have kids with you, if that's what you want.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

There are plenty of high-quality childless women out there.

Not in their 30's... Most women in their 30's+ have kids.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

yep, and the ones that don't know how valuable it is.

[–]nightmancommeth2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I found one. Its not that hard especially with the internet.

[–]innominating0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

How does it feel to live with this lack of abundance mentality?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Do... Do you even know what abundance mentality is??

[–]innominating0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Do you always avoid tough questions by asking questions?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Our combined income affords us a nice lifestyle.

Look. Get the divorce. If things work out, invite her to move back in as an LTR and have a nice 2nd half of your life. There is nothing saying you have to be married to do this.

But for gods sake... grow some fucking balls and take control of your life!! Of course she doesn't respect you, and she won't respect you in a LTR either. Not until you become a man worth respecting.

[–]nightmancommeth0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Trust me ive been there. It seems like doom and gloom until you actually get out on your own. I started doing what I liked again, dating multiple women and ended up with the one I was supposed to be with all along. Only this time I came in with the proper tools to manage a relationship.

[–]77mrpB2A10 points11 points  (2 children) | Copy

This one’s easy. Book a non refundable ticket someplace hot and go crush some strange.

[–]nightmancommeth2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

id go with this one as well. Time to start living again.

[–]JudgeDoom691 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Book a non refundable ticket someplace hot and go crush some strange

OP, this is great advice. It will cure your oneitis for your wife and boost your self esteem.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (11 children) | Copy

The person whose life you are exiting forever got sad!!!

YOU HAVE TO FIX THIS!!!!

Seriously?

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (7 children) | Copy

got sad

But he shouldn't get his hopes up! This doesn't mean she likes him or anything...just that he's useful right now. Ha!

[–]Chuckaloft[S] 7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy

Ouch. Seeing my read of it come from someone else makes it seriously real.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah dude, she's not ready to tell her family and deal with the embarrassment and questions. If you agreed to go, you would quickly get, "Let's not talk about splitting up just yet. It would ruin everyone's holiday."

[–]nightmancommeth1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Pretty much she doesnt want to have that talk with her family as cleary she hasnt sprung it on them yet.

[–]WesternhagenWinner2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

It means she tested the single-life waters and was saddened at the low quality of the men who were interested in her, is what it means.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy

I would even go shallower...it's holiday time and she doesn't want her social value to take a hit with a failed marriage. After the holidays, I bet she won't be feeling so 'sad'.

Edit: Sorcererking nailed it

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'm sure if he gives her a reason to be the victim, she will take it though.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Oh absolutely.

[–]DanceMonkeeDanceRed Beret4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

Awwwww. Really? But, but, but, he seems like such a nice guy. If only there was a way to solve that.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Somebody should write a fucking book...

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I laughed pretty hard at this. Heh, still chuckling.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy

Do what you want to do.

Sounds like she wants you to kill the puppy. Does she need to fall on a dick for you to fully understand that?

She is only hot/cold cause she likely has not found another stable branch to swing to.

Move on with your life faggot.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (9 children) | Copy

Get the fucking divorce.

Of course the reality is hitting her. So what? You don't exist to make her happy.

She sounds like a low value, entitled woman that brings nothing to the table. What do you see in her?

[–]crimson_chris0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Dude, you sound needy as fuck. You've read the side bar, right?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Huh??

[–]crimson_chris0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

"Needy"

She dropped the ball on our finances

She fucked up our dogs medication

Your whole post reeks on a man who still has not found his way. Like others have said, what do you want? How much have you really improved?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

You're replying to the wrong guy holmes...

[–]crimson_chris0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Shit....that was for OP.

[–]Chuckaloft[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Oh shit!

[–]Chuckaloft[S] -1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

It hasn’t always been this way. There was a time when she was a good partner.

You’re right, the writing is on the wall.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

Worst case scenario, you get a divorce and keep her on as a plate.

DO NOT EVER GET MARRIED AGAIN!!! The risks are simply too high.

[–]31Olives0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Amen brother!

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

If she went to therapy but refused to make any changes based on that (did I read you right?) Then I'm not sure what she's bringing to the table. Has she offered any radical changes from her side? What would it take for things to work? Are those things realistic?

[–]Chuckaloft[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

She folds like a cheap lawn chair under any pressure. I’ve been in personal therapy for 5+ years because of some family stuff. She says I am too far ahead of her in personal development to catch up. If work goes bad she stops trying. Her last major job she stopped working entirely. She says she wants to get healthier and then sleeps through her exercise classes.

No radical changes, but lots of starts and failure.

It feels like she’s just begging to be told what to do, but she won’t listen to me because I’m not perfect.

[–]rocknrollchuck2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sounds like excuses to me.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is a no-brainer.

Get divorced. When you're getting divorced, that means your life is yours and her life is hers. What you do is not her concern.

She probably wants you to go with her to visit her family because she hasn't broken the news to her parents yet. She doesn't want to spend uncomfortable time explaining to her folks that her marriage failed. She wants you there to put on a show to relieve her of having to explain why you're not there. Well, dude, that's her problem, not yours. Particularly since she has TWICE told you she wants a divorce and you've said the second time "OK, let's get divorced".

This is not difficult. DO what you want. Me? I'd not go, and I'd holiday alone. Because that's what I would want. I don't want to spend my Christmas with family of my soon to be ex wife.

[–]hystericalbonding2 points3 points  (10 children) | Copy

Are you openly demoting her to plate? If so, then make sure birth control is in order.

Sounds like too much drama and effort for a plate, to me, but do what you like.

[–]Chuckaloft[S] -5 points-4 points  (8 children) | Copy

Sex is done without a solid commitment from her.

[–]hystericalbonding5 points6 points  (6 children) | Copy

That's the opposite of the red pill advice for this scenario.

Finish the divorce. The choices beyond that are a hard next, fuck her without commitment, or fuck off. Nobody here is going to endorse your romcom vision of reconciliation.

[–]Chuckaloft[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

I’m not having sex with her because if she did get pregnant the the whole situation gets worse. My kid or someone else’s, I don’t even want a .001% chance that I end up a cuck.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy

Then why are you arguing with people telling you to 100% next her?

You can bullshit yourself, don't bullshit us

[–]Chuckaloft[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I’m clarifying not arguing. His point is 100% valid.

Seeing my bullshit in print and trying to defend it is the reason I made this post.

I am wrestling with a final decision. Fighting against my inclination to make her happy. Choking on the pill a bit.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Aka, youre not going to do the obvious, because feelings.

See you in two weeks when life makes this decision for you, and you weren't ready!

[–]GC0W30Fat, needs discipline4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

There are no kids to worry about access to here.

This pussy is old pussy to you, and there is fresh, horny pussy younger than your wife waiting for you.... that is way more interested in receiving you than your wife EVER. WILL. BE. AGAIN.

You're married, and the longer you stay, the greater the size or risk of alimony/losing assets/etc.

Your wife doesn't respect you, and the first time she loses respect for you, she'll never REALLY respect you the same way ever again.

Bail the fuck out, and nail some 23-year-olds with good attitudes for us, bro! There's a woman out there that will treat you like a king, and you might as well spend time on top of her.

I've been married and divorced. Both my ex-wife and myself are way the fuck happier, and all our former friends are happy that they don't have to hear about, or comfort us for, our terrible fucking marriage.

Kill the puppy. It's better for you, her [not that you should care] and everyone you know.

[–]innominating0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I’ll solve this for you. You can’t make her happy.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

No. No commitment from her. That's done. That's over.

Look, man. She has twice told you she wants out. You've agreed to that. It's done. There are no kids to think about. Hit the hard reset button. Finish this and end it.

[–]TaipanshimshonRed Beret2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

LOL she did not tell her parents / family yet. bets?

[–]Chuckaloft[S] -1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

We actually talk about this kind of stuff I know what her family knows and she knows what I talk about with mine.

Her mom and sister know we have problems and are close to divorce.

The problem is there isn’t a final decision either way. We haven’t filed. Neither of us are making that move immediately. It will likely be amicable and uncontested if it does happen.

Me not going to Christmas is a clear and undeniable signal that I’m done. She’s backing away from that. She doesn’t want it to be final.

[–]DanceMonkeeDanceRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

As others have said, she wants you to kill the puppy. She's even said the puppy needs to be killed. This is just another confirmation of same.

[–]DeeMooreDeeMarriet0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She wants you to file so she can play the victim.

File, who cares?

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It sounds to me like she’s checked out and wants you to kill the puppy, but her ego wants to see you suffer doing it because it validates her. She has you in the palm of her hand like a helpless little puppy.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

"I finally let go" good

" I told her that I would never be able to change her mind about us and said that we should follow through this time."

and, that should be the last time you say a thing about it

So, the OP is doing the work to build a life for himself, but he is here looking for our approval, and to answer his question.

OP, you have the answer. You need to dig deep and answer it in this manner What the fuck do I want ?

A few others have told you the same thing. It's time- man the fuck up

[–]simbarlionRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Concur. Man UP OP -

All of the value of you going to christmas is for her.

The whole scenario is custom made so she has to show her cards, if you don't go

Use the time to clear your head, if nothing else.

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Shit likes this kind of gets to me when men become, in this case literally, a door mat. She wants to walk? Be a gentlemen and open the door for on the way out. Lock it when you close it. The divorce threats and talk have to come to a stop. She is either all the way in or you put her all the way out. Now, I do understand at this point in your life you probably can't set and enforce a boundary. You must figure out a way.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret2 points3 points  (8 children) | Copy

stay home and lift

[–]Chuckaloft[S] 1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy

I prefer to choke folks.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy

Why did this get downvotes, faggots abound . Choke on

[–]hystericalbonding1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Why did this get downvotes

His choking comment is little more than virtue signaling.

From the OP

I’m in the BJJ gym a minimum of twice a week. I’m working on adding a third session. My body broke the last time I did.

Weight training is the solution to that problem. More strength, stronger tendons and ligaments, stronger core and posterior chain, more stable shoulders. Decent coaches in grappling sports always recommend weight training.

[–]Chuckaloft[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Internet points don’t matter to me. Be salty. Downvote away.

[–]ReddingtonsShitList0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

He's giving you solid advice. I would STFU and accept it if I were you. Don't try to justify yourself

[–]PersaeusRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

if OP isn't lifting heavy than you're correct.

i think he was joking though

[–]RingoLaBrea1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Make other plans. Do you have friends to be with?

If you go, you’ll be miserable, dragged into melancholy fueled by Christmas whisky.

But if you sit home alone, you’re going to feel the full weight of what this holiday does to the left-alone. And I don’t fucking care how red any of these faggots think they are, dealing with this over the holidays will compromise your frame.

Make alternate plans, strong plans, focused on a fresh start new life scenario. Do you have some buddies nearby who know the plot? They can splint your frame, keep you strong and focused as you get through this period. This is lifting heavy, you need a spotter.

Do not sit home. Go somewhere, treat yourself.

[–]Chuckaloft[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks! I’m working on a larger male friend group, but it’s tough to find like minded male friends. I have a few, but none that share the rp mindset. I can lean on them, but they won’t help my frame.

I won’t be completely alone. I have a couple of house parties I can attend

Thanks for reminding me to care for myself. I may be underestimating the weight of this decision over the holidays.

I have work to do.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

When we say dragging your tribe to happiness, kicking and screaming, methinks you took it a little too literal.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Asking strangers for personal relationship advice, scary.



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