My question: Is it ever her fault? If it is, what does that look like, aside from personality disorders and obvious addiction problems/slut behavior?
Now, before you give me the knee jerk, keyboard smashing, foaming at the mouth "ITS ALWAYS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY" answer I am expecting, hear me out.
Women shit test. I get this. I see it. Regularly. The problem is, I'm getting really fucking tired of it. To the point that when it happens now, I just stare up at the ceiling while simultaneously clawing at my face and start listing off the pros and cons of being with her. Yes, I could surely turn around and give her a wink and a witty remark, but I just don't have the energy. I did this for a while, but the thought of putting up with her shit for the rest of my life makes me want to end it now. It is often said on here "Women will never stop shit testing", but is there a point when it moves from shit testing to "this twats broken"?
I have often had the outlook on life that everything is my responsibility. With my discovery of redpill, this has confirmed even more so that it is, and I still maintain the idea that "If my GF is doing X then I need to 1) lift more, 2) read more, 3) smack her (ass) more often, 4) fuck her more aggressively, 5) be more active in setting boundaries 6) etc".
I have three thoughts:
my love for her has been eroded by other experiences with her, and without that foundation, I don't care enough to deal with her (which she has probably noticed and has caused a negative feedback loop on the shit tests).
as has been pointed out by other members on here from my past experiences with her that I have posted about: it really is 100% my fault. I am not leading enough. I am not being alpha enough. I am not DOING enough. I am not passing shit tests enough.
related to two, but when we first met I was in a really bad place. Depressed, hated myself, had strong OCD, and I can count off at least 5 times I cried in her arms and had complete meltdown. I am not there anymore, and I have been actively fighting to kill the person I was back then, but I wonder if she will never forget my past (even though she never brings it up in arguments or shit tests about it) and thus will never be comfortable looking to me as her oak.
I appreciate the feedback.