Thought I was his girlfriend until he said I'm not...am I a plate? (mid-20s)

weekendshift · 2015-07-28T21:53:47+00:00

Do not go down this road. He may not be seeing other girls at the moment but his unwillingness to call you his girlfriend definitely means that he wants that option open to him in the (potentially near) future. A guy who is confident and happy should have no problems with "a label." It's not like you're asking him to marry you.

I do not mean to sound harsh/mean but I speak from experience because I did this dance for a year and it will not end well for you. You are giving him all of the comfort and perks of being a girlfriend without the one thing that really matters, actually being his girlfriend.

You can and will absolutely find someone else. Maybe you would be alone for a while but that would give you plenty of time to work on yourself and attract a really high quality guy who knows a good thing when he sees it.

katiemonster · 2015-07-28T17:26:01+00:00

I don't have a lot of experience in this area, so ignore my advice if the more experienced ladies disagree with me, but I would say you should pay attention to his actions, not his words.

I know a couple of guys who have hang-ups, not about commitment, but about more "outward" signs of it, like labels, or putting relationships on Facebook. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. They take commitment seriously and mean what they say. Contrast that with the men out there who are happy to say anything they think you want to hear, while not meaning a word of it.

This relationship is very new, and at this stage I don't necessarily think it means he isn't committed to you. If you're exclusive, talking about your future together (moving in, etc.), and he's treating you like an LTR, I would say that you are an LTR, whether he's ready to use the word "girlfriend" or not.

cats_or_get_out · 2015-07-28T17:00:46+00:00

You know the answer. You're hoping that we'll say, "No, you're special, and he's intimidated by you / afraid of falling in love / already madly and deeply in love with you."

Nope. Get out. He's not your captain. He thinks you're his fuck buddy. If you were my daughter, I'd say that you need to end it quickly and now. You may have been misled by him (and/or yourself) in the beginning, but if you stay, you are a fully culpable in this.

PremiumGoose · 2015-07-28T17:52:07+00:00

I've only been a member here for ~8 months but heres things that jump out at me, 1. Dating for months (exclusive) bit still doesn't trust you. 2. Says he wants to move it but grad school, buying a house, doesn't trust you. Sounds like "we're moving in together" is the carrot on a stick they you'll get only after all these other expectations are met. Why doesn't he trust you? If there's no valid explination it sounds like bologna. Have you met his parents?

Camille11325 · 2015-07-28T17:31:03+00:00

I didn't have sex until he confirmed we were exclusive. We hang out everyday, he spends tons of money on me, we take trips together, and his friends know about me. He protects me from guys who hit on me, and was insanely worried about me when I went out of town one weekend with two other girls, both of whom are in committed relationships. I have dropped all male orbiters, but I constantly have to assure him that I'm not talking to any guys. I've had my own jealousy issues as well, and he stopped talking to other girls

How accurate is this description? If the two of you are exclusive, if he isn't sleeping with other women and not looking to, then you aren't a plate.

A few weeks after, he said he was thinking about making me his girlfriend, but then a few days later he retracted that statement, saying he still can't 100% trust me, so I'm trying to earn that, but also that he's in a weird time in his life as he thinks about grad school and his ultimate career. He said if I'm still around when he owns a house and is happy with his career, then he MIGHT consider making me his girlfriend.

This is weird. He is treating the title of "girlfriend" like its the same as "wife". On one hand, the two of you have been dating exclusively for just a couple of months, it makes sense that he would want to make sure you are right for him before labeling it. You could be overreacting. On the other hand, it also seems like he he has issues with commitment and trust, or that he's withholding the status of girlfriend to make you insecure.

It's really hard to say based on the information you've given, could you elaborate more?

fitemeirlkid · 2015-07-28T16:48:05+00:00

you're a fuckin pl8 m8. 8/8

cxj · 2015-07-28T22:59:40+00:00

It sounds to me like this guy doesn't really want to have multiple girls, or can't get more than one "plate" at a time, but is secretly hoping someone better comes along, and he is worried she would pass him up if he was publicly attached. This is an amateur move, because better girls would likely be more into him if he has a gf.

It is also possible that he has some aversion to labels out of a dislike of the given expectations attached to said labels. Modern society has gotten really fucking gay about this, "girlfriend" used to be a fairly casual term, but now people treat a facebook status like a god damn marriage proposal lol.

I'd personally bet on the former rather than the latter, but keep us updated and provide more info, maybe we can help you further.

itsnadya101 · 2015-07-28T18:59:10+00:00

You may or may not be his plate.

That doesn't really matter. Is he giving the commitment you want? If not, and assuming you're doing all the right things, it's on to the next one.

RPDame · 2015-07-28T18:35:47+00:00

It's really hard to say.

The fact that he corrected his friend specifically that you were not his girlfriend is concerning to me. I think if he were simply getting used to the idea of bf/gf and had intentions on being that in the future then he wouldn't have had such a strong reaction. Instead his actions say "don't let her get any ideas". Why not let it go? If you inquired later, he could just say that he felt it would have been awkward to correct him so he let it slide.

At the same time, there is something to be said for exclusivity, and including you with his friends.

If I were you, I would stop trying to be such a detective when it comes to him, his intentions, and how he feels and instead focus your energy on getting totally clear on what you want. That way you can be confident and matter of fact about it (i.e. no tears or yelling) and calmly state "I'd like to be girlfriend/boyfriend." No ultimatums, just calmly put it out there. Then give it some time and see what happens. I can't tell you how long, that's a personal choice. Don't tell him how long, either (no ultimatums, remember?), just that you wanted him to know how you felt and that the two of you will see what happens, won't you?

Respecting your man is important. In exchange for trusting him and his leadership, a good captain has to want to meet your needs and prioritize your feelings. Otherwise, I don't think that a RP relationship can work. See what he does in the near future when you calmly state how you feel and then drop it. He will either care about your feelings or he won't. If he does, great. If he doesn't, then you'll have a decision to make.

Hopefully this will work out for you. But do remember that if this doesn't work out that you are not a victim here. You made choices that got you to this place, and he doesn't owe you anything. So if this doesn't work out the way you'd like, it's okay to be hurt, but it's not okay to think yourself a victim. Instead, accept your choices disadvantaged you and learn from it.

2015-07-30T14:25:45+00:00

He said if I'm still around when he owns a house and is happy with his career, then he MIGHT consider making me his girlfriend.

Very telling emphasis. He has no intention of committing to you.

CureMeNot · 2015-07-28T18:19:24+00:00

For the majority of men, their career is what defines them. He might want to first have a good feeling about the direction of his career before anything else. That might be the reason why he doesn't want to define your relationship just yet, although everything you described in your post screams LTR to me.

I'd suggest, open up to him about your feelings, not what your friends think about him, because that's annoying as hell even for the most understanding guy. Guys can relate to women's feelings. (don't use rationale, don't explain how others do it, just state your feelings, plain and simple)

You can tell him the uncertainty in your relationship makes you feel uncomfortable and insecure. That you love him, care about him, and can see a future with him. And he makes you happy...very happy. But also you won't hesitate to move on if you feel it's not going anywhere.

Also ask him why he doesn't trust you, what you can do to earn his trust, or if there's something you did that made him lose his trust to you.

Open communication is your best bet. He needs to understand that you're ready to put in the effort necessary to become the woman he wants but also you can leave the relationship if it's not satisfying your most basic needs--you need for commitment.

Aerobus · 2015-07-28T22:41:31+00:00

It does not sound like you are in a plate. If what you say is true and you are exclusive, you are in an LTR with him. He seems to have a hang up about using the label, even though you're acting like a girlfriend and he's acting like a boyfriend. Why he has a hang up, I do not know.

fatalcharm · 2015-07-29T00:44:08+00:00

He said if I'm still around when he owns a house and is happy with his career, then he MIGHT consider making me his girlfriend.

I'm really alarmed by this. This doesn't usually happen until later in life, and by then most men are usually ready to settle down and start a family or already have a family. He is saying that only then will he consider making you his girlfriend and even then there is a slim chance that he won't? If you are hoping to get married and have children one day, then this guy is going to be making you wait a very long time and by the time he is ready to start a family, you might not be able to so naturally he is going to move on to someone younger who can. You would have waited all that time, just for the title of "girlfriend" while he goes and gets married and start a family with someone younger that he has known for less than a year.

ayvyns · 2015-07-29T00:12:43+00:00

Ok... I'm assuming you're both American/Americanized?

I don't think you are a plate. But I think this guy also needs to get the fuck over himself.

If you have also been a good partner to him, you're exclusive, spend quality time, act as each other's emotional supports, there's really no reason why you aren't bf/gf at least by 6 months exclusively together.

By the way you describe, his definition of a "gf" sounds more like a fiancee. But it's not, in American society. Ask him what his reasoning is.

Public acknowledgement is important. You're clearly unhappy with avoiding labels. Let him know that, and let him know that you aren't going to play "wife candidate" simply to be acknowledged as his girlfriend. Jesus, it just sounds ridiculous just typing it out.

If that goes nowhere, then consider moving on.

prettylittledictator · 2015-07-30T03:07:49+00:00

My boyfriend was calling me his girlfriend way before we both agreed to be exclusive. If he really "loved" you then it would be no hesitation. I had my hang-ups and wanted to be exclusive without the titles but he explained to me why it was important to him and I saw my errors.

DreamBoatGuy25 · 2015-07-30T16:14:48+00:00

So this guy checks every one of your boxes but is iffy on commitment, at least as far as the label goes? Welcome to 2015.

I wouldn't jump ship on this relationship just over the lack of gf label, especially if he's treating you a like gf in everything but name. Guys are finicky about commitment. We guard it like women guard sex, and just like women and sex, we react negatively when people assume we owe it to them.

CptDefB · 2015-07-29T15:42:05+00:00

So, let's see here...

1: He says you guys are "dating". Whatever you're doing, that's his word for it.

2: He spends ample amounts of time with you, calls you multiple times (in a day. in a day? fuckballs, in a goddamn day... wow, let me just go quote you)

He supports me emotionally, we hang out all of the time, he calls me multiple times a day, is very protective, and sees me as someone he can come to.

By protective, do you mean mate guarding? Signs of possession/ownership?

3: Your issue is that you want to call "the guy you like", your "boyfriend". I mean, he gives you the time, money, and effort that it seems a boyfriend would give, but he's not comfortable with you calling him that (or with calling you "girlfriend"). This is a problem, because "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" convey subtext that "dating" and "the guy I like" does not.

Am I reading you right?

So now, you search for red flags and reasons to implode something that, otherwise, seems to be going swimmingly, over some subtext? Subtext that's already there if you look in a different place (his actions)? I mean, I typed all that without even seeing the edit at the end. He's not even fucking anyone else.

tsk Girl, please...

Don't ruin what is making you so happy. Give it another six, drop another hint or two. You know how some guys will have a "girlfriend" for almost a decade before making her "wife" despite the fact that he has been "husband" the whole time?

Girl, for the sake of a good thing, relax your thoughts.

He is still coming around.

STEP AWAY FROM THE RED BUTTON

am I a plate?

Plates do not receive 10+ phone calls in a week. Not even a month.

Just sayin.

amiaplate · 2015-07-28T21:51:56+00:00

It is always crucial to let the man take the lead in commitment conversations, otherwise it comes across as controlling from a woman - I think you understand this. However, you say you have some jealousy issues, and he has some trust issues as well. If you express your jealousy to him, maybe he's responding to that by not trusting you. Do you ever talk to other men? You said you've gotten rid of your orbiters, but are you still friends with exes, or other males?

This seems like a sticky situation because he says you're exclusive, but won't call you his girlfriend? Really, if this is something you're not okay with, and he doesn't talk to you about it, you can always "next" him! Especially if you're only in your 20s, you have time to find someone who is just as good to you and is also ecstatic to call you his girlfriend. Since you've been together 6 months, you have had plenty of time to assess this man to determine whether or not you'd be happy with him for the rest of your life (according to Laura Doyle, author of The Surrendered Wife & The Surrendered Single). Listen to your heart for a while instead of trying to determine what he thinks of you. This is the best way to tell whether or not he's the right good guy for you!

Good luck to you! I would love to hear how this goes for you!

amiaplate · 2015-08-02T11:53:31+00:00

[permanently deleted]

theladygourmet · 2015-07-28T18:22:34+00:00

If a guy really likes you he wants you to be his girlfriend no matter where he is in his life. I sort of doubt that he's actually exclusive with you. There's a reason he wants to be able to say, "I don't have a girlfriend".

I disagree with another poster who mentioned that some guys just don't like outward expressions of commitment. In my experience guys who don't like outward signs of commitment don't like them because they want to keep their options as open as possible.

eg457 · 2015-07-28T19:07:43+00:00

You have got to get out of this now! Your only options are to demand to be his girlfriend (which obviously isn't going to go well), continue on as his plate (will make you miserable because you know you're worth more), or find your dignity and self respect and go find a man worth your time, respect, and love. You're young and smart enough to have found your way to this sub so you know there is a far more deserving captain out there for you. Perhaps taking a walk away will give him some perspective on his feelings for you and time away to think about what he wants.

shitlordtrpthrow · 2015-07-28T17:21:53+00:00

Wait. Are you exclusive or not?

vintagegirlgame · 2015-07-29T09:17:20+00:00

My SO of nearly 6 years still doesn't like to call me his "girlfriend." When we first started seeing each other we both said we didn't want a boyfriend/girlfriend situation as he had just gotten out of a 4 year LTR and I had just left an international LDR. (This was before I swallowed the pill). But as time went by we acted more and more like "BF/GF" but still without the labels. 6 years later we're still fully committed to each other but rarely use the labels unless it's a convenience thing.

One part of why we don't use labels is because we work together in the entertainment industry where it's good for the public to perceive that we're both "available." Hey, sex sells...it's a part of the game here. We try to keep our professional life separate from our personal life so we don't go calling each other GF/BF in front of people.

I also ran into the same issues with my girlfriends making all sorts of judgements against him, while his friends loved me instantly. I've learned not to vent or complain in front of them. And I go out of my way to stick up for him and our relationship; to the point of cutting out some dear but toxic friendships. I would recommend finding a better substitute label than "the guy I like." Just refer to him w his name, or call him "my man" or something endearing.

In general, women put more attachment, meaning and emotion into words, esp words like GF/BF. It's more important to look at a man's actions than his words. What are his actions telling you?

dalls18 · 2015-07-29T17:00:22+00:00

I was just talking about this with my sister who is not rp. She has been with this guy for about a year. They also dated back in high school for like a year, but have been friends/ known each other for about 11 years. He is a really great guy, and seems very trustworthy.

I asked her if they are bf/gf because they act like it in all the ways but never call each other such, and I was truly confused as to why. She told me they don't see the point of labels if the relationship is between them and they know what they are to each other. She went on to say she doesn't understand the obsession of labels and every outsider needing to know the private details of a personal relationship.

I asked her if they were exclusive and what would happen if someone asked the status of their relationship. She said she's been asked and she simply says, shes with him and he does the same. They act very much like bf/gf, do everything together, and arent seeing other people sexually or otherwise. She says they are both happy with this arrangement.

I personally don't understand it, and why there is such a fear of these labels or commitment if you are basically doing all the things that fall under that category anyway. I would think if you wanted to do all those things with one person anyway and you loved this person, and I mean really loved than you'd want to yell from the rooftops that they are your gf/bf and tell everyone around you..

I really don't get it, maybe its this generation or maybe it's something deeper. It's up to you where you stand but it does seem to bother you and I think that feeling will only increase with time.

DameFernweh · 2015-07-30T18:59:22+00:00

So I am not really a RP-er. I lurk from time to time in RPW since I like some content discussion like this so I thought I'd throw my two cents in, I thought I may be of some help [Educated & work in communications].

Communicating our feelings and intentions is more than just what we say, it how we construct it.

So, before my LTR had titles, my partner brought up wanting to commit without the titles and I was going to have it all or nothing. Some people have aversions to titles, whether it is societal or a bad experiences. My partner was always great [Dates, constantly talking to me all day, making plans together, etc], but there were small things that seemed like red flags to me [Didn't want a title, always tardy, etc].

I brought up the red flags, he would give me some small reassurance, but the red flags were always still there / reoccurring. Even though we were talking about the issues regularly, there was still miscommunication and the issues still existed, which will take a toll on any relationship.

It definitely took time/effort/work and there is no universal right answer, but I finally found a way to express what I was feeling in a way he could understand / relate.

You may keep getting vague answers about a theoretical committed future or he may feel attacked if he feels like your concerns about the relationship are accusatory. I always recommend de-personalizing issues i.e. When "X" behavior happens, I feel "Y" and then I worry about long-term "Z". In my case, I just finally told him "Tardiness makes me feel like I don't matter and I am not respected, I have a hard time seeing how a long-term relationship could work in that situation" when in reality he just never viewed it through my personal lens and it lead to a deeper conversation about his concerns with titles so we were able to address that as well.

I don't think you'll really know where you stand in his eyes until you can a direct, specific conversation about both of your concerns.

littlegreen249 · 2015-08-04T22:15:55+00:00

I think some guys do this because they see a girl who is very loving and kind to them and they love that treatment but don't want to commit because they are always looking for something bigger and better, which probably doesn't even exist... I would tell him, "if I am going to treat you as if you were my boyfriend, then that's what you should be, if you don't want that, then I cant continue doing this."

YourShadowScholar · 2015-08-04T11:05:36+00:00

A lot of men may have noticed certain patterns with women if they have any experience.

The vast majority of women burn out at around 18 months into any LTR in today's world, no matter how good they are for those 18 months.

The world is such that no woman, no matter how good, can be trusted before then really.

It's possible that this guy, if he is the type that sincerely looks for solid LTR's, has noticed this pattern, and realizes it is best not to put any label on anything until at least passing that minimum time period in today's world.

I took this approach before. Girl begged for the girlfriend title right up to the 18 month mark. Hilariously, I was just about to tell her she had passed when she decided to go fuck someone else.

TL;DR: Most women are incapable of truly long-term commitment in today's world (in America anyway). Some of us are just trying not to get burned too badly. Ask him if that's the case, and see if you're willing to try sticking around for the minimum time line if so.

getmesomecrack · 2022-06-01T21:02:14+00:00

in the same boat. been talking to a guy for way past a year, we're definitely not just friends, have had sex, we've said the "I love you"s we spend copius amounts of time talking but dont see each other that often cause we're busy tackling life etc etc but this man is terrified of making it official as he's scared shit might turn sour and he'll lose a good friend. definitely makes some sense but in every aspect we're in a real relationship, I'm just very confused and of course it highlights some insecurities on my part. I don't really know how to feel but it's very unsettling overall.

Rainbowdiseases23x3 · 2023-01-20T14:50:30+00:00

Wow this is old. You are (or were) the side chick. He already has someone as his main squeeze. Sorry. You aren't his gf.

Title	Thought I was his girlfriend until he said I'm not...am I a plate? (mid-20s)
Author	amiaplate
Upvotes	36
Comments	109
Date	July 28, 2015 4:31 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/3ewyuk/thought_i_was_his_girlfriend_until_he_said_im/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/thought-i-was-his-girlfriend-until-he-said-im.2290 https://theredarchive.com/post/2290

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