Q4ALL: What would you do if you were already in a happy relationship but met your "soulmate"?

philomexa · 2018-05-10T18:42:21+00:00

I'm female and happily married. No other man is going to make me happier, because every man has something that will disappoint me/drive me insane/turn me off.

This theoretical soulmate may seem better across the board (more money? longer hair? more distressed leather jacket?), but I guarantee there will be day that I will watch him throw his sock on the couch/drip water on the bathroom floor/under season the chicken and think to myself, "fuck you and your stupid fucking face".

Once you reach a baseline of contentment/happiness there is no better, just a different sort of bullshit you have to get used to.

So no, I wouldn't leave my husband for this "soulmate" (which is a ridiculous concept to begin with).

Pope_Lucious · 2018-05-10T19:13:21+00:00

There’s no way you can know all the variables you describe in your hypothetical. You can’t know if the “better option” really is the better option just by talking with him/her. The overwhelming likelihood would be you become just as annoyed about small idiosyncratic things the “better option” does as well.

“Soul Mates” is just romantic language.

If you’re trying to upgrade to a better option, go for it, but at least be honest about it. Don’t dress it up with romantic fluff.

paccount112 · 2018-05-10T18:33:46+00:00

AKA, do I let my dick make decisions for me. Soulmate is a post-hoc rationalization for following the advice of your lizard brain.

I disagree with my premise. If I can't trust me head to control my dick, I probably won't commit. Then again, I have no issues with being single, I know many people have issue with being alone

Young_Oryx · 2018-05-10T18:52:59+00:00

If I'm spending enough time with another guy to even know all this about him, I already fucked up and my relationship isn't as happy and fulfilling as the hypothetical suggests. If it was, why would I be spending so much time with another guy?

And if I haven't spent much time with him, I'm basing my idea that he's a "perfect match" on limited, shallow interactions that don't tell the whole story. It would be stupid to drop a perfectly good relationship to pursue something with a near-stranger who I've let my brain convince me is my "soulmate."

wtknight · 2018-05-10T18:31:49+00:00

Relationships are trial periods by definition, in my opinion. If I met someone better than who I was with, I would leave who I was with without cheating on her. If I were married, which I actually am, I would not leave my wife for somebody who I thought might be better. I’m male.

the_calibre_cat · 2018-05-10T18:51:44+00:00

Leaving in the context of marriage would be unethical and cowardly. Leaving in the context of a simple relationship, eh, that's tougher.

Lyanina · 2018-05-10T19:23:26+00:00

I don't believe in soulmates and I don't believe throwing away a good relationship you have invested time in for something uncertain is a safe and sure path to happiness. To me the relationship you described, that I would hypothetically be leaving, sounds awesome.

However, if there was a way to know for certain that:

You will be happier than you are. This person will be happier with you than your current partner is

and that the relationship would be successful, then I would probably leave if I wasn't married to Good Old Partner.

However since that isn't possible, I would realize I'm just being stupid and I can't possibly know what that person is like as a life partner, and that even though they're probably a cool person my partner and I have built something and that something works. I don't think I could be very happy with New Person while knowing I left Good Old Partner for them. If Old Partner was crappy, it would be different. I would also have issues with New Person actively pursuing someone they know to be in a relationship.

Would you encourage, be neutral, discourage or impede your partner from making the exchange, if it happened to your partner?

If my partner came to me and said he was considering leaving me for someone else, I'd leave him myself. Does that count as encouraging?

carefreevermillion · 2018-05-10T19:42:23+00:00

Soulmates don't exist, and grass is greener where you water it. Anyone is who delusional enough to leave a happy relationship for their "soulmate" has immaturity issues, and the person who was left behind is better off without them.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2018-05-10T20:03:49+00:00

I would never allow myself to get close enough to a male to discover that they were my "soulmate" or not if I was taken, so it wouldn't happen

If it happened to my partner there would be a double homicide suicide. Actually probly not suicide because I don't mind the idea of spending my retirement in jail anyway so probably just a double homicide

blackedoutfast · 2018-05-10T20:56:12+00:00

am i already fucking this new chick on the DL or what? bc how else would know if she's super great and my soulmate and all that? what if she has a terrible pussy or something

GridReXX · 2018-05-10T23:16:43+00:00

I don’t know about “soul mate,” but the only people who would feel this way are people who weren’t ever head over heels for their SO.

There are definitely partnered men and women who’ve never felt that “in love” feeling and experience it after they’ve committed to someone else.

I don’t think men and women in “happy” relationships that originated with lust/respect/admiration/compatibility so easily allow themselves to even fall for anyone else.

Now people in relationships that aren’t founded on lust/respect/admiration/compatibility, for sure they’ll be subconsciously open to finding someone who hits all of those triggers for them.

rpwthrowaway2016 · 2018-05-11T03:25:50+00:00

In this hypothetical situation where I magically know they're my "soulmate" and I would be happier....

If we're married: do nothing. I intend to honour my marriage vows.
If we're not married: leave my current partner.
If my partner did it: honestly I hope they would have enough tact to keep the reason hidden, as I would. Be upset, obviously.

In real life:

I don't believe in soulmates, and if I'm emotionally close enough to this person to know that much about them, I already fucked up. I've had crushes on people in a relationship before and my response is to cut off or heavily reduce contact with them. So that's what I'd do if I met someone like that.
There are certain factors that you just can't account for, like whether they would stick with you when things get tough or when you fuck up, how well the 2 of you can live together, or whether you get along with their family members. I have no reason to know these things about someone I'm not dating.
Realistically, there probably exists someone out there who could make me happier in every way. Just like if I had been born into a different family or studied a different major or did X thing at Y time, my life could be much happier. But comparison is the thief of joy, and I believe the key to happiness is contentment.

hammerhaunts · 2018-05-10T18:33:38+00:00

Too bad for "soul,ate", loyalty is more important

Yahuhuhuh · 2018-05-10T18:38:00+00:00

Soulmates don’t exist. It’s just somebody you like better.

FairlyNaive · 2018-05-10T19:01:08+00:00

Its a tough call, so on one particularly warm autamn evening i would take a long slow walk down the riverside, thinking about all the good memories i have with my current girl, all the shared sunsets at the beach, the sleepless nights full of fire and passion, the promises to never let go. Every smile, every touch, every playfull spark in her eyes.

Then i would imagine the life i could have with the new girl: the energy of a newfound passion rushing through our veins, the new, revitalized desire burning deep inside the chest, the unstoppable drive to merge with each other and stay that way forever.

At last, looking at the last moments of the dying day burning like a funeral pyre in the west, i would remember the words of my mentor "lift, you twink" and go to the gym.

Noxin__Nixon · 2018-05-10T19:20:06+00:00

You don't pursue the person, but the person is interested and single. And on ALL FACTORS YOU CAN POSSIBLY ACCOUNT FOR, this person is more of a match for you than your current partner. You're sure that AT LEAST the "bit of a strain" you perceive won't exist anymore, but there's a chance that you'll find a whole new level to "happy couple". You're sure that this person is aware and intelligent enough to put efforts in the relationship you'll develop, provided that you had time to talk.

That premise is flawed because its impossible to know such a thing.

For instance there is no way to know the "soulmate" would be a better match sexually without actually sleeping with them.

[deleted] · 2018-05-10T19:53:57+00:00

my soulmate??? i'm an infj.

if its my soulmate as i define it. i'd end my current relationship and pursue the love of my life.

[deleted] · 2018-05-10T20:24:47+00:00

I don't have 20 years of shared history, three children, and a marriage with the new person. Also, I don't believe in "happiness" as a worthy life goal. "Usefulness" and "contentment" are much better. There is no reason for me to explode my family and hurt Mr. Upton for the possibility of ephemeral "happiness" with some new rando.

DemonConsulting · 2018-05-10T22:15:39+00:00

Someone comes. You don't pursue the person, but the person is interested and single. And on ALL FACTORS YOU CAN POSSIBLY ACCOUNT FOR, this person is more of a match for you than your current partner. You're sure that AT LEAST the "bit of a strain" you perceive

I won't make the exchange because I am already happy and I don't know if I'll be happier with the new person." I swear, you know you will be happier, with as much certainty as you know that you would be happier if you win the lottery

There is no way of knowing this for sure, especially if you just met that person or just spend a very limited amount of time with them during the day (like at work). Unless you have lived with that person for as long as you have with your partner you have no idea what annoying habbits they might have in return, you don't know if you would actually get along at all cohabitating, you don't even know if sex would be any good. This whole scenario is just built up in your head in a “the grass is greener“ way of normal life at home being the same every day and knowing all the imperfections of your partner vs. that new person you've only seen the good side of. I bet the old partner looked pretty near perfect during the honeymoon phase too. This is your brain lying to you, plain and simple.

Now assuming you let your brain hamster its way into actually believing this other person is perfect: how the hell do you know that other person even wants you and will keep wanting you? You've built a life with your partner, all the imperfections are minor at best and pretty damn easy to fix (just spend that weekend with your own friends for example - you don't have to be sitting on top of eachother all the time) - this new person will take ages to get to the same relationship level, it's a huge gamble, you'll probably be old when it's time for children and lastly: if you promised your partner anything or even went so far as to get married, you're being a huge dick.

Supposedly you love your partner and have been together for quite a while so yes you care about them and don't want to hurt them.

Assuming I believed some other dude to be my “soulmate“ (which is bullshit - your brain just floods you with various hormones and if you're together long enough this turns into a pairbond), this would change nothing about the fact that I love my husband, made vows to be together till death, like being married to him, built a life and relationship together with sacrifices and lots of energy on both sides, etc. I would not want to hurt him, I would not want to leave him, and I would not want to trade what I have built already. Some new guy does not change the existing love I feel for my husband. The “soulmate“ can try peeling my cold dead body off him if he wants to since I have a strong emotional attachment for my husband and none at all to that other person. Also that other guy has 0 losses from me not dating him while my husband would be deeply hurt. Also any bitch claiming to be his soulmate will be gone from town by the next week.

Now given your premis this may not seem like the rational decision to make since you purposefully limited it to emotional attachment but again I think the notion of a unique soulmate is bullshit and there is no way of knowing what the relationship with a different person would actually be like. Don't let your genitals or rather the primal instincts of your brain do the thinking.

hellothisispotato · 2018-05-11T09:08:39+00:00

I would choose my soulmate, and encourage the other partner to do the same.

Except "happiness" isn't much fuel for me, it would have to be for intensity or passion.

Nu_Guy · 2018-05-10T19:18:55+00:00

There is no such thing as a soulmate. All relationships take patience and work. IMO

DebatePony · 2018-05-10T19:47:57+00:00

Wouldn't happen.

quicklogaccount · 2018-05-10T20:27:08+00:00

soulmate does not exist, don't fall for that trap

though if i were in an LTR and found a supposedly better girl, I'd still stick with my LTR. if a girl has meritocratically advanced through my rankings, from plate to FWB to LTR, she automatically deserves that place better than some bitch i just met

wekacuck · 2018-05-10T20:34:46+00:00

Would you do the exchange?

No, I wouldn't. Firstly I'm loyal and would feel shame about myself. And there are practical reasons not to even if you can guarantee that everything is better: I have three kids and doing the exchange would definitely affect them negatively. I don't see how going from "good" to "better" for me balances out the harm to them.

Secondly I don't believe in "soulmates". I never really believed in them in the first place, but more so now I only believe in thresholds and my wife is well past my thresholds with flying colors. I also feel like the ship sailed years ago and some n00b isn't going to catch up with almost 20y of history. I value the depth and trust I have with my wife far more than whatever this improvement could mean. Just repeating previous relationship stages seems I don't know... uninteresting. I'd rather just keep going further with my wife rather than backtrack to the beginning. You can say that all factors are accounted for, but... I just don't see how you can account for that.

Having said that I have encountered people who have relationships and mindsets that fascinate me and are superior to mine/ours and they serve more as "ideals" and inspiration for ways to improve and things I want to bring to my marriage. Now, if things were miserable and hopeless it could be different. But that's also not going from "good" to "better", either.

Would you encourage, be neutral, discourage or impede your partner from making the exchange, if it happened to your partner?

That's her decision. I wouldn't like it, but what can you do? If she'd be happier elsewhere so be it.

RockinSocksII · 2018-05-11T00:52:09+00:00

Nothing. Soulmates don't exist. You just fit with someone better than others.

connaught45 · 2018-05-11T02:13:32+00:00

If you are married you should not be spending this much time with a stranger of the opposite sex to be able to get to know them this intimately. Forming a platonic relationship with the opposite sex carries it own inherent risk. If you are coworkers, for example, why are you spending so much time talking about non-work related topics to know this about them? If you can feel even the hint of an attraction building to want to get to know this person on such a level, WHY are you continuing to interact with them? This situation could easily happen to anyone and leads to divorce all the time because people think there's no harm in forming intimate relationships with attractive members of the opposite sex when you have a spouse. You put yourself in a position for this to happen, and it's morally wrong.

decoy88 · 2018-05-11T09:40:07+00:00

Male and yes I'd switch up. Because it's not fair to my partner if I stay with her while believing I could be happier with someone else.

But in reality. There is no "certainty" and I probably won't be happier. Even discounting the fact there will be undesirable traits I haven't found out about yet.

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DareyFathom · 2018-05-10T18:55:34+00:00

I don't believe there is such a thing as a "soulmate." Maybe I'm just weird though as I've never had any "crush" for one girl in particular either. I think there are a certain percentage of people you are compatible with and for some people, that is a very limited percentage. So if you are not with someone you are compatible with, that is a problem in the long term and the relationship shouldn't continue.

prodigy2throw · 2018-05-10T19:38:42+00:00

Soul mates isn’t a thing. Any girl I’m with will adapt to my needs and expectations and become my “soul mate” and vice versa.

Young_Oryx · 2018-05-10T19:49:34+00:00

Female

No, I wouldn't do the exchange. I married my husband, and that's that. I see your hypothetical, that I would for sure be happier with the other person. Nah, man. I don't think I could be happy knowing I hurt my husband so badly and left him all alone in the world when we promised each other forever. That would haunt me. My husband isn't just some dude that I'm dating. He's my family, my whole world.

The grass is green where you water it, man. I can be happy enough with my husband.

Would you encourage, be neutral, discourage or impede your partner from making the exchange, if it happened to your partner?

I would fight tooth and nail to keep him.

[deleted] · 2018-05-10T20:46:11+00:00

If she was truly my soul mate, I would leave. Because that would mean my relationship isn't happy but just comfortable.

AstuteBlackMan · 2018-05-11T04:35:54+00:00

When you don't end up happy you KNOW it wasn't because the other was sloppy or lazy, but because of something that can't be changed without great harm to your partner.

Give an example of this please.

and you're both pretty sure it is unlikely that either of you will do better,

Who gets into a relationship for this reason? The fuck

A whole weekend doing something you're mildly annoyed by and your partner loves. Your partner's simply OBNOXIOUS friends that your partner likes so much and sees so often... And vice versa.

So because your partner likes something you don't like you should leave? makes sense...not

You're sure that AT LEAST the "bit of a strain" you perceive won't exist anymore

No such thing exists.

Well heres my answer: It depends on the level of happiness I am in right now with my spouse. If I can quantify my happiness with my spouse out of a 100 and its a 70/100 and with this person i'm promised for sure a 100/100 then sure. But if im at a 90 happiness and im promised a 100 then theres no point. I'm already really high on the happiness scale.

That being said. This is hypothetical

SilentLurker666 · 2018-05-12T02:00:10+00:00

Male, and I know for a fact that at least in one point, I'm the other guy.

Someone comes. You don't pursue the person, but the person is interested and single. And on ALL FACTORS YOU CAN POSSIBLY ACCOUNT FOR, this person is more of a match for you than your current partner. You're sure that AT LEAST the "bit of a strain" you perceive won't exist anymore, but there's a chance that you'll find a whole new level to "happy couple". You're sure that this person is aware and intelligent enough to put efforts in the relationship you'll develop, provided that you had time to talk. (Coworker again?...)

Disagree and disagree. The problem here is that you are "compatible with her/him" as a co-worker/friend/whatever. The truth is you are never sure if they are compatible with that person once he/she became your partner. You only know them and probably less then you know your current mate, and us humans have the tendency to fill out the blanks to idealized something that we see positive. (unfortunately it's the same tendencies that causes ppl to be attracted to each other in the first place)

Ultimately all relationship are strained because there's give and take on both ends and it's up to the individual to know whether they are getting a raw deal or not. I'll rather view relationship as an investment, and sometimes there's sunk cost that are not recoverable once you've committed to your current relationship.

Would you encourage, be neutral, discourage or impede your partner from making the exchange, if it happened to your partner?

From RP/MTGOW: "she's never yours, it's just your turn." As long as children are not involved and we divided the finance fairly, i'll be neutral if it happened to my partner. Women are more emotional beings and if she already had emotional infidelity then she's as good as gone. Note thou that under this hypercritical situation, I will not welcome her back. A relationship is an emotional investment and she had already demonstrated that she doesn't value said investment.

TL:DR. Grass is always greener on the other side. She's never yours; it's just your turn.

WhatIsTheMeaningHere · 2018-05-10T21:48:35+00:00

If the relationship is happy with no issues, the one I have now may as well be my soulmate.

Title	Q4ALL: What would you do if you were already in a happy relationship but met your "soulmate"?
Author	quicklogaccount
Upvotes	5
Comments	168
Date	May 10, 2018 6:24 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/8ih23a/q4all_what_would_you_do_if_you_were_already_in_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4all-what-would-you-do-if-you-were-already-in-a.262500 https://theredarchive.com/post/262500

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