What is the moral, acceptable way to ask out friends?

alcockell · 2017-11-30T18:14:06+00:00

I don't know about morality, but I think the disconnect and confusion on this topic is related to something I described here.

...from discussions on PPD I've learned that men mean something a lot more close and intimate when they talk about "friends." It doesn't just mean "person I hang out with socially sometimes," it means "person I'm really close to and spend a lot of one-on-one time with." So when women say "friends first," men imagine an orbiter who's talking to her on the phone every night and buying her birthday presents, not a guy she sees and flirts with at parties sometimes.

I could be wrong, but I think when most women say they like to be "friends first" with the guys they date, it means they want to vet him and get to know him socially in a low-pressure environment (at parties, group hangouts etc.) for a while. They're not necessarily thinking of a close, intimate type of friendship.

So, I would say if a guy wants to date "friends," he should focus on his wider social circle more than his really close friends. With the latter, especially if you've known each other for a long time, it can be trickier; I wouldn't recommend asking out a friend like that unless you were reasonably sure she reciprocated your interest.

I'd also say it's best to sexualize your interactions with her from the get-go by flirting, touching her at opportune moments etc. This will help clue her in to your intentions as well as allowing you to get a feel for whether or not she's into you.

a_mans_perspective · 2017-11-30T18:12:57+00:00

Just be like "hey I know we're friends and all but do you wanna go out?"

Key is not to get pissed off when they say no. As if you "earned" it

haunting-you · 2017-11-30T18:14:39+00:00

in most cases, i'd say it progresses from interacting while in a group of friends, to hangouts with smaller groups of friends, to one on one daytime outings with a purpose (like christmas shopping, for examples), to daytime outings with less of a purpose (like going to the movies), then to maybe an evening dinner/coffee/movie.

after a few one-on-one evening outings, you should hopefully be able to gauge the other person's interest and bring up the possibility of taking things to the next level.

there are probably lots of opinions about how to bring that subject up, but speaking as someone who would struggle with that sort of thing... i'd probably do the typical method of saying i've had a lot of fun with that person, maybe waiting for them to mirror that/say how they feel, and then ask what they thought about becoming a couple (putting it in their court).

it's definitely a more time and interest intensive way of doing things, so i wouldn't recommend going this route if you just think someone's really hot and you want to bang them.

SpaceWhiskey · 2017-11-30T19:16:49+00:00

My beef is when he insists that he’s not interested in dating, insists he just wants to be friends... and then gets mad when you date someone else. I’m not a mind reader, fuck me I guess for believing the words he says. Bonus points if you try to cut the crap and he calls you arrogant for assuming he’s into you... then gets mad when you date someone else. Thankfully I just don’t hang out with guys like that anymore, it’s mostly a young person issue anyways.

Taipanshimshon · 2017-11-30T18:08:27+00:00

Get an IOI first.

Littleknownfacts · 2017-11-30T18:22:00+00:00

It's not slimey and creepy to ask out friends. It's slimey and creepy to only befriend someone so you can ask them out. If you couldn't go on being "just friends" if she said "no", you weren't really friends to begin with.

madeofivory · 2017-11-30T18:58:21+00:00

I'm a woman and I don't personally see a problem with asking out your friends. What's manipulative and slimy is when these guys try to guilt trip women that reject them by saying shit like "I've been so nice to you, and this is how you treat me?" and then proceed to call them horrible names.

My advice for dudes is to evaluate the situation first. Ask yourself, have I girlfriendzoned her? If she rejects me, do we still have a strong enough friendship to continue being friends afterwards? If the answer is yes, then go for it! If not, its likely not a strong enough connection for a stable relationship anyway so you're better off moving on and finding someone else.

PaperStreetVilla · 2017-11-30T21:57:04+00:00

OK girls, I'll do it your way, how do I do it properly?

mockery ensues

Bang up job people. I couldn't have explained 'they want a man who just gets it' any better.

TheChemist158 · 2017-11-30T18:11:56+00:00

I don't know who is telling you that asking a girl out from your circle of friends is slimy or creepy, but they're lying or stupid.

It's entirely different if every girl in your circle of friends places you personally in the Friend Zone.

That is the true issue, can you get out of the Friend Zone?

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VermiciousKnidzz · 2017-11-30T18:19:55+00:00

there's nothing manipulative and slimy about being friends with people.

being friends with someone specifically because you want to get in their pants is pretty rotten tho. like "oh huh, guess he didnt really want to be my friend, he just wanted to see me naked"

the idea is that relationships work much better when people are also best friends. hang out together, see if you feel a spark, ask them out, and dont be an asshole if they say no.

i think its mainly a difference of how much you respect the other person and their choice of whether or not to go out on a date.

oneprettycoolcat · 2017-11-30T18:24:38+00:00

Depends. How hot are you?

KerPop42 · 2017-11-30T18:31:20+00:00

The way I did it is I started inviting the person I was interested in to something I knew they liked and telling them upfront it was just going to be me and them, like "Hey that play you really liked is in town, do you want to go see it with me?" If they said yes we went as friends. Nothing romantic, just two friends enjoying each others' company.

Depending on how fast you want to go, you could ask them out like the next day by saying," Hey, I really enjoyed doing that thing with you, would you be interested in doing stuff one-to-one more often? Maybe as like a date thing?" If they say no, let it drop. They might offer more one-on-one trips, but don't read anything romantic into it. They know your feelings, and if they decide to reciprocate they'll let you know.

I went really slow-burn with my current girlfriend. We started seeing movies we both liked but the rest of our friend group weren't interested in. We'd end up talking about the movie for hours afterward. Eventually, I offered her back to my place to watch some animes and YouTube videos. Again, explicitly platonic. We'd do things like hang out with her friends or my friends and I'd walk her back to her place if she wanted. Maybe one of us would stay over if the winter got too cold, but it was still platonic. After about a month or two, I told her, "hey, these last few weeks have been really fun! I'm glad we met and became such good friends. I was wondering, would you be interested in dating? We already hang out a lot, we could just hang out more, and we wouldn't have to keep our distance when we do things." It worked, and I've been dating my best friend for the past three years.

selective-autism · 2017-11-30T18:36:13+00:00

There's no rulebook to this stuff. If you want to have sex then you have to get messy. You'll have to risk ruining some friendships and acquaintanceships, unless you want to stick exclusively to cold approaches (which I don't recommend unless you're naturally extro and charming).

Like others said, try and identify IOIs (which can't be listed objectively as they are subjective judgments by definition) and then have the courage to act on what your gut says. You'll probably fuck up a lot and most women won't have any sympathy, but don't worry about it because a woman's sympathy is no consolation anyway. It will hurt, but it's the only way to get experience, and eventually you'll stop overthinking and being so apprehensive.

EchoZeroEleven · 2017-11-30T18:47:54+00:00

"Hey negrita, tu culo es muy bonita. Te gusta chorizo?"

;)

wtknight · 2017-11-30T19:14:56+00:00

One should flirt with their friends for quite a while before ever asking them out. Then, you will likely get the indicators of interest to know that that friend is also interested in you. One shouldn't do a "cold ask." It is more likely than not going to end badly.

Butt-Factory · 2017-11-30T19:34:34+00:00

Be upfront and respect her decision whether you like it or not

[deleted] · 2017-11-30T19:37:07+00:00

why the heck would you care about morality? just ask them out. if you get rejected, move on to other people

SlimLovin · 2017-11-30T19:37:54+00:00

"Hey, you want to go on a date sometime?"

[deleted] · 2017-11-30T20:20:07+00:00

Just ask and, if she rejects you, don't make a big deal about it. Probably also best to only ask when you think they might actually be interested.

[deleted] · 2017-11-30T21:06:20+00:00

Be attractive. What matters is not "how" you ask, but "who" does the asking.

octopusplatipus · 2017-11-30T21:51:27+00:00

Assuming that you two are just friends. Tell her how you fell and flat out ask her out If she says no move on. The problem with nice guys is that they take no for answer and try to be super manulpitve about it. A good a example between the two

A friend trying to date another friend.

Him: hey I have feelings for you and l want to date you.

Her: Sorry not interested.

If you just move on. Then you're just a friend

Nice guy example.

Him: hey I watched you date a lot of jerks and assholes. And I want cues im an awesome you should date because I do shit for you.

Her: dude knock it off, your just one of my friends.

Then nice guy does something from /r/niceguys

shoup88 · 2017-11-30T22:11:20+00:00

I would say ignore what you think is going to be universally moral or acceptable. As long as you don't get angry if rejected or put her in a very uncomfortable position, I doubt there's going to be a big impact on your social circle if you get rejected. It's in your best interest not to wait too long to try and escalate things. If you wait too long, she's more likely to see you as just a friend and not a potential romantic partner.

Don't get so hung up on what other people think. Some level of "lying" is just a normal part of human interaction. It's no big deal.

VUELO_LA · 2017-12-02T03:39:11+00:00

You don’t. Don’t mess up your squad over catching some feelings

Title	What is the moral, acceptable way to ask out friends?
Author	notworthmuch20xx
Upvotes	11
Comments	182
Date	November 30, 2017 6:06 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/7go97n/what_is_the_moral_acceptable_way_to_ask_out/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-is-the-moral-acceptable-way-to-ask-out.264654 https://theredarchive.com/post/264654

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