Crushes while in an LTR

goatismycopilot · 2017-11-27T21:17:45+00:00

There is a current trend in relationships to "share everything" with your SO that I do not get so under the guise of transparency people share things that end up being hurtful. Everybody has momentary crushes based that hinge entirely on projection and fantasy, you don't have to share an actual mind numbing every day life withe the crush that makes it easy to imbue them with all kinds of qualities they do not have. So, the smartest thing to do is not share with your partner that you have a crush, most of them go away. Unless your partner is spending all of their time texting their crush or is not present in the relationship in a major way then you have a problem, a relationship problem not a crush problem.

Sometimes people in dying relationships will fixate on their crush as a way to avoid dealing with the actual shit going on with the partner. Normal people will indulge a few random thoughts about other people and go about their life and it has zero impact on their relationship. You are not supposed to share your every waking thought with your partner.

GinSmokeLies · 2017-11-27T21:12:49+00:00

If you developed a crush on someone else while in a monogamous LTR, how would you handle it?

Cut off all contact with the object of my crush, or if that weren't possible (if it was a coworker, for example), limit my contact with them to strictly professional and brief interactions. Delete their number, unfriend them on social media, no social contact whatsoever. I have a very "out of sight, out of mind" attitude when it comes to crushes, so if my exposure to the person is limited the crush will eventually run its course and I'll get over it.

If your SO developed a crush on someone and came to you about it, what would your response be?

Upset. The only reason he should come to me about that is if he's actually planning on leaving me for her. Otherwise I don't want to know, and I would be very hurt that he felt the need to rub my face in his affections for another woman.

If you prefer they not tell you, how would you ideally want them to handle it?

Basically the same way I said I would handle it -- limit interactions with that person and rid himself of opportunities for the crush to grow or develop into more.

shoup88 · 2017-11-27T22:45:05+00:00

I get crushes all the time. I just flirt a little, enjoy the warm feelings, go back home to my partner and keep my mouth shut. That's how I'd like him to handle it too. Crushes are normal, but don't tell me about it. Just be responsible and don't let it go too far.

notworthmuch20xx · 2017-11-27T21:09:14+00:00

If you developed a crush on someone else while in a monogamous LTR, how would you handle it?

Bite tongue until it goes away

If your SO developed a crush on someone and came to you about it, what would your response be?

Start mentally packing my bags

alreadyredschool · 2017-11-27T22:33:18+00:00

Get to know her. Kills every crush.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2017-11-27T23:39:17+00:00

Dear God why would somebody tell their significant other that they have a crush on someone else

DebatePony · 2017-11-28T01:07:31+00:00

I honestly think that crushes are totally avoidable for anyone who is self-aware.

In order to avoid them:

Cut/limit contact with the individual you think could cause issues.

Compare them to your SO so that they come out the loser (isn't hard to do)

Walk the line between curt and professionally polite so as not to encourage them talking to you in a social aspect.

Keep it to yourself and not bother your SO with it.

If my husband came to me with how he got a "crush" on someone we would have a very serious conversation about how he could have let this happen since we've discussed before about how crushes don't happen in our relationship and how to avoid them (we never talked about "crushes" we've had on others - again, they don't happen).

I may get some flack for this, but it's honestly how it has worked out for us for the last 16 years.

(Reminds me of when I was in HS and college and my girl "friends" wouldn't/couldn't accept my answer of "My bf" when asked if I had a crush on anyone. They would respond "Yeah, but who are you crushing on?!?" and then get pissed when I said "I don't get crushes, I'm with my bf. He is my crush, it would be inappropriate to form a crush on someone else.")

haunting-you · 2017-11-27T21:44:05+00:00

If you developed a crush on someone else while in a monogamous LTR, how would you handle it?

if minor, i'd just enjoy it as the non-serious thing it is. it happens; a cute celebrity i enjoy watching/reading about, a cute barista i have fun chitchat with once every couple of weeks, whatever. it's just fun.

if something more serious, i would limit my time with that person and/or give myself a stern reality check + talking to (but that is an unlikely scenario).

my husband and i sometimes dish about celebrity crushes with each other, but otherwise, there's no real reason for us to discuss either of the scenarios above. i might mention a funny part of the barista conversation, but that's about it.

If your SO developed a crush on someone and came to you about it, what would your response be? If you prefer they not tell you, how would you ideally want them to handle it?

tough to say... it'd be pretty concerning if it got so serious they had to tell me about it. that shows me that they didn't think they could overcome/forget it on their own, or didn't want to, and that might even end up being a signal of our potential breakup. if it were that serious, though, i'd rather they told me than not. but as above, if it's minor or even moderate... you don't have to punish yourself or anything crazy, but know your (and my) boundaries and act accordingly.

figthief · 2017-11-27T21:10:58+00:00

No shit dude. Chicks get crushes on purses and animals. Always some crazy shit in they heads. I’m don’t care if she tells me because I know it happens. Now me, I’d laugh about that and say go get em girl. I get crushes too mostly when blood rushes to my groin when I see em.

washington_breadstix · 2017-11-28T00:56:34+00:00

Experiencing attraction to others while committed is fine. People are human. Whatever.

But if a ''crush'' develops to the point where you actually have to start talking about it with your S.O., then your current relationship is as good as over.

Butt-Factory · 2017-11-27T21:12:17+00:00

If you developed a crush on someone else while in a monogamous LTR, how would you handle it?

Entertain a few personal fantasies and then forget about it

If your SO developed a crush on someone and came to you about it, what would your response be? If you prefer they not tell you, how would you ideally want them to handle it?

I don't see the point in my partner telling me he has a crush unless he's planning on acting on it. Crushes are normal and I expect he's had a few. I don't see how the way he handles it is any of my business unless he's engaging with her.

blackheartblackmask · 2017-11-27T21:54:12+00:00

I just meditate on it and let it pass

GridReXX · 2017-11-28T13:56:05+00:00

If I had a crush I’m keeping it to myself.

I’ll probably tell a bestie. Sure as hell not telling my SO. Why?

Willow-girl · 2017-11-28T14:09:43+00:00

That guy/gal attempting to flirt with you is the enemy! He/she wants to hurt your husband/wife, harm your children and destroy your happy home. Act accordingly.

a_mans_perspective · 2017-11-27T21:15:08+00:00

I will answer for myself:

If I had a crush, I would try to limit interaction with the target, try to restrain myself from thinking about them, and wait the thing out.

I would want my SO to do the same. If she were acting on it at all or felt her control giving way, I would definitely want her to tell me, but otherwise leave me out of it.

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PBRScagsquad · 2017-11-27T21:09:21+00:00

For the former either get over it or leave. For the latter leave.

abaxeron · 2017-11-27T22:26:44+00:00

MGTOW supporter here, no idea if it counts as Red, but I see no issue. If I developed a crush while in LTR, I think the first thing to do would be to introduce my crush to my girlfriend/wife, and I'd pretty much expect her to do the same. Yes, people find other people attractive and get all emotional; it happens, usually spontaneously, and adults are expected to deal with it as adults. Hell, I'm an old fart by Internet standards, and I still have a very much romantical buddy who is married to a guy I respect a lot; occasionally she visits my town and we sometimes get to do some silly romantic stuff like have a dinner at a good place, or hold each other while watching a horror movie, or just go sightseeing with enormous grins on our faces while holding hands, and get called "a lovely couple" by every salesperson we happen to buy something from. Last winter I made her an expensive gift, and everyone was perfectly fine with that, including her husband. But actually he asked me to make him sort-of a gift too, by helping him to find some rare hardware and help deliver it back in their town.

Either define "a crush" more strictly, or replace it with "gina tingles / spontaneous boners". Because I've composed this response with this definition in mind.

pinkgoldrose · 2017-11-27T22:33:38+00:00

I don't inadvertedly get crushes when I'm single so I really don't think I'd get one when in a relationship.

But regarding my partner, I always had a "if you love them set them free" mentality. So I thought that if my boyfriend fell in love with someone else I'd just be happy for him and supportive of him leaving me if she will make him happy.

It's like if a handsome young billionaire wanted to marry your girlfriend, wouldn't you tell her she should definitely do it and just be happy for her? If you love someone don't you want what's best for them?

Of course it's bittersweet because you won't be around to watch over them, but you can trust that they will be happy.

Hungry_AF · 2017-11-27T22:49:18+00:00

If you developed a crush on someone else while in a monogamous LTR, how would you handle it?

Leave. I never get a crush in a relationship unless I am unsatisfied with the person I'm with.

If your SO developed a crush on someone and came to you about it, what would your response be?

I'd break up with him.

buartha · 2017-11-27T22:56:38+00:00

I would cut the crush out if I could and limit my contact with them if I couldn't.

I would also try extra hard with my partner since if my feelings were straying it reflects badly on the effort being put into my relationship. I know this isn't the case for everyone, but I'm a 'one love at a time' kinda guy, and if I'd started feeling anything more than a fleeting 'huh, they're hot' for someone other than my partner it would be worrying.

If your SO developed a crush on someone and came to you about it, what would your response be? If you prefer they not tell you, how would you ideally want them to handle it?

I would find it really upsetting. If he brought it up to me rather than just getting himself over it I'd think there were deep feelings or he was gauging my reaction to see if he could get away with cheating, neither of which is good.

madscientistlove · 2017-11-27T22:59:29+00:00

If you developed a crush on someone else while in a monogamous LTR, how would you handle it?

By cutting that person out of my life, or if not possible (if it was a coworker or someone that I otherwise couldn't get away from) by cutting out all non-essential interactions with that person. If my fiance developed a crush on someone, I would hope that he would handle it the same way.

We haven't had to deal with much of that in the last 6 years, because we socialize in a way that makes crushes unlikely. We don't hang out with members of the opposite sex one-on-one, don't text or call them to chat. If we go out to a party or some other late-night even, we go together etc.

songofmelancholy · 2017-11-27T23:23:41+00:00

i don't have crushes and i never had urges to cheat.

i think people who easily get infatuated with crushes will cheat eventually.

RockinSocksII · 2017-11-28T00:05:36+00:00

If your SO developed a crush on someone and came to you about it, what would your response be?

Depends on whether or not I'm also attracted to them. I imagine we could share.

Contradict-- · 2017-11-28T00:13:32+00:00

If you developed a crush on someone else while in a monogamous LTR, how would you handle it?

Ignore it. She seems great, but all women are like that.

If your SO developed a crush on someone and came to you about it, what would your response be?

I'd be kind and pleasant enough to encourage continued honesty, but not so much as to cause her to believe she could cheat on me. Then I'd figure out what he's got that I don't and I'd get it.

Orange_Paisley · 2017-11-28T00:47:46+00:00

I wouldn't tell my partner, because he doesn't like to hear about that sort of thing. He doesn't even like it when I text with my daughter's dad for whatever reason, though he recognizes that it's generally a necessary evil. I just ignore the object of my unrequited interest until the feeling goes away. On the other hand, he does tell me about his. But it's usually in the context of "I think the girl at the supermarket is into me" so I am able to laugh it off. I'm fairly certain he would never do anything, and if he did, I would move out, get over him and continue on with my life.

boundarychimps · 2017-11-28T04:57:26+00:00

If you developed a crush on someone else while in a monogamous LTR, how would you handle it?

Enjoy both the feelings that are part of having a crush, and the opportunity to laugh at myself. Don't act differently enough to really draw notice, and doubly so since they've all been at work.

If your SO developed a crush on someone and came to you about it, what would your response be?

"Well should I be worried?" "So why are you telling me? Am I supposed to do something?"

Or possibly just "oh, ok" (and then if that's not enough of a response for her, "so then are you saying I should be worried?").

If you prefer they not tell you, how would you ideally want them to handle it?

I guess about the same as I would? Don't act on it, don't really encourage it, but no real need to actively try to kill it either.

Maikowski2 · 2017-11-28T11:10:41+00:00

I would punish her for misbehaving.

BlackCatsAndOldLace · 2017-11-29T06:58:57+00:00

If my SO developed a crush: "Only fuck her once, wear a condom, make sure she doesn't get pregnant. If she's bi, let me watch/join in."

If I developed a crush: "Would you like to watch, honey?" (I'm primarily attracted to women. Don't really develop "crushes" on men.)

What can I say? I've never been very good at monogamy. Never really understood the point.

figthief · 2017-11-27T21:55:33+00:00

I have had these. I never told my H about it directly. I knew he had one at some intern in his office based on how he talked about her. I teased him about it.

When I crush on a guy it's more about wanting him to want me than actually wanting him like that. My sexuality has been the only consistent way I've ever had any power and I guess I got conditioned towards liking it.

These things dissipate over time. A crush will starve if you don't feed it. But I think it can be harder for women because you can't work with or have male acquaintances without a certain percent of them giving you IOIs if not open attention.

wtknight · 2017-11-28T00:04:56+00:00

If you developed a crush on someone else while in a monogamous LTR, how would you handle it?

Break up with her

If your SO developed a crush on someone and came to you about it, what would your response be?

We'd break up.

I should add that I think that crushes are not that uncommon in LTRs, even really good LTRs. So "just leave" is not a great reply in my estimation.

It's the only reply. If you develop crushes on other people while in an LTR then there has to be a reason for it. If you truly love another person and feel that they are the only person for you, then you don't develop crushes on other people.

Title	Crushes while in an LTR
Author	a_mans_perspective
Upvotes	7
Comments	119
Date	November 27, 2017 9:07 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/7fygy0/crushes_while_in_an_ltr/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/crushes-while-in-an-ltr.264707 https://theredarchive.com/post/264707

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