Q4W: Do you do the emotional labor in your relationship, if you do, why?

LeaneGenova · 2017-07-17T19:46:05+00:00

I remind my husband of his mother's birthday and get her gifts (always "from" him) when he forgets because it's not her fault she only had boys and she deserves a birthday present. I also make sure he stays in contact with his friends because it's good for him to have an emotional support system.

The biggest reason is that, like all work, it's much easier to maintain a working system than resolve a huge blow out... and that would impact the both of us so it's easier to just stay up to date on things. I don't complain about it though. I knew who he was when we started dating, and when we got engaged and when we got married. I knew this was part of the deal and he remembers/manages plenty of things so the trade off is fine with me!

philomexa · 2017-07-17T19:45:55+00:00

It was my understanding that emotional labor means being the caretaker of the relationship (or perhaps, the thermometer of the relationship).

To me, that means keeping abreast of the general vibe between us, checking in and making sure his needs are being met, making sure my needs are being met, and making sure I'm not letting negativity/negative energy place a foothold in our relationship because we're comfortable, etc.

What you're describing seems to be nagging mommy syndrome.

I expect my husband to take care of shit in his life because he's an adult man. If he neglects these things, that's on him. I don't need to remind him to buy his best friend a Christmas card, he's an adult, he can make that decision himself. If he doesn't? Oh well, he can hash it out with his best friend (btw what man expects a birthday card from another man? That's such a...feminine thing to worry about).

If my husband fails to get milk (why am I telling him to get milk?) I'll just go get it myself. It's fucking milk, who cares?

My job is to keep my husband happy so he stays invested in us, and raise our child to be a competent adult. This is what I signed up for, complaining about this, that, and the other, gets us nowhere.

whichbladeN · 2017-07-17T19:15:01+00:00

This isn't what I thought 'emotional labor' was going to be.

I don't have to tell my SO to think of others. He does it more than me! Whenever he leaves his house he goes to find his parents to tell them he is leaving, and when we leave mine, he asks me to do the same. It's something I never did before.

I don't think telling someone how much they need to think of others is something that needs to be done.

I think it sounds like micromanaging, nagging, and honestly it sounds like you're trying to be his mom.

TheChemist158 · 2017-07-17T22:08:15+00:00

What exactly is emotional labor? I could use a better definition.

Do you not expect your SO to do basic human tasks like remember his mother's birthday? Do you not expect your SO to realize he is out of milk and he needs to go pick up more? Why is it your job to remind him to get his best friend a Christmas card?

He sometimes forgets things, as everyone does. And if I notice I'll point it out like I would if it happened to a friend or family member. It's just common courtesy. Though I only do these things if I have cause to be believe he forgot, not just preemptively. So maybe that is part of what you mean by emotional labor.

If I'm in the grocery store and see that he walks right by the milk it would be a bit of a dick move to not say anything.

quotient_is · 2017-07-17T22:06:19+00:00

This is one of the better explanations I've found for emotional labor insofar as it applies to familial relationships.

‘Emotional labour is what therapists would call “holding someone in mind”,’ explains consultant psychiatrist Dr Judith Mohring from the Priory Wellbeing Centre. ‘It’s at its most potent within the parental bond, but it’s generally thinking about other people and what their needs might be.’

https://www.psychologies.co.uk/who-carrying-emotional-labour-your-relationship (I don't care for this article, but it's the source for the quote.)

The example of buying milk doesn't quite get to the heart of the matter, I think. Emotional labor often means giving forethought to another person's needs, so buying milk would be one aspect of thinking ahead to ensure there are adequate groceries in the house to feed one's family.

Most emotional labor in the modern feminist sense just boils down to planning, really. Noticing when things need to be done and taking care of them before the last possible minute in order to ease a burden/pressure on another person.

I do most of the planning, budgeting, to-do listing and date remembering in my marriage, but I'm just wired that way. My husband is more easygoing and he helps me relax and be more spontaneous, which I definitely need.

Emotional labor in the traditional sense (I.E. regulating emotions) applies to both of us. That comes down to not flipping shit on your partner, nagging or being generally negative to them. Also giving your partner space or attention as needed. We're both good at that, so I consider myself to be very lucky.

Edit:

To expand on this, the term emotional labor originated as a way to describe the way that workers must regulate their negative emotions in order to keep their jobs. (Customer is always right, maintaining decent peer relationships, etc.)

Extrapolating that to an intimate relationship, both partners should contribute in this way. If one partner puts in more of this type of emotional labor, it's likely that their counterpart is manipulative, callous or prone to emotional/angry outbursts and they're trying to cope by smoothing things over.

wuboo · 2017-07-18T00:55:18+00:00

No, I'm dating someone who is competent at life.

crumblesnatch · 2017-07-17T19:50:14+00:00

I think my husband and I split the burden? Basically, whoever cares more gets that responsibility.

It wouldn't work in every marriage, certainly, but I've ended up doing more of the daily household management stuff... I think this is what these women are talking about, the idea that the wife becomes the "manager" and has to delegate tasks. This is the case when it comes to chores, but I'm not resentful about it, nor do I nag. Honestly, he sucks at most chores. It's just easier if I do it in the first place. If I'm working late, I might remind him to feed the dog or something, but I wouldn't expect him to just do it without prompting.

On the other hand, I am terrible at remembering birthdays or holidays or social conventions like appropriate gifts to bring to a dinner party. He's better at that, so he's in charge of that stuff. I barely remember the day of the week, so it's better for him to be in charge of the monthly household management stuff, like depositing our rent on time.

Reading this over again, I don't think I really understand what emotional labour is supposed to be.

single_use_acc · 2017-07-17T19:50:49+00:00

[deleted]

[deleted] · 2017-07-17T19:58:02+00:00

I tend to fall into this role in all my relationships, be it romantic, family, roommates, whatever. I have the combination of "feelzy" and "administrative" traits that tend to make a person more attuned to these sorts of things. It's just in my nature to make sure things are getting done, people are cared for and all the household ducks are in a row.

That's not to say my fiance needs a lot of hand holding. He's close to his family and talks to them often; I don't have to remind him to do such things. He takes care of his own medical appointments, car maintenance etc. without me having to bug him about it. I wouldn't be with him if he didn't have a basic level of adult competency.

But I do think I carry most of the emotional burden in the relationship, because I am the more emotional person, and that's natural. I don't mind doing more "work" in that regard (and I don't really even consider it "work" since it's just the way I am naturally.) All I care about is that my effort is recognized and appreciated, which it is.

I've never sent a Christmas card in my life though, fuck that. Waste of paper.

whichbladeN · 2017-07-17T20:05:17+00:00

[removed]

RockinSocksII · 2017-07-17T20:05:54+00:00

I'm not in a relationship, but no I would not. I'm not their mother, and he's a grown adult.

SpaceWhiskey · 2017-07-17T20:39:01+00:00

This isn't a problem with my SO, but it has absolutely been a problem in the past with male employers because "women are just better at that sort of thing".

Butt-Factory · 2017-07-17T19:21:22+00:00

Not in my current relationship, which is why we've lasted so long. In the past, I've dated men who thought compliments and "I love you" were the only effort required on their part. I lost interest in them.

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ClarityofDisaster · 2017-07-17T19:40:02+00:00

I don't remind him about things that have to do with his personal life, because I'm not in charge of that stuff. I'm not his mom, I'm his lover. We're both adults.

But when it comes to planning our trips or dinners out or date nights, that's all on me because otherwise it wouldn't get done in an organized manner. He's a bit of an absentminded dude lol.

Lyanina · 2017-07-17T19:44:25+00:00

He's been an adult longer than I have and single more than I have too. He does his grocery shopping. I don't think that counts as emotional labor. I've had the concept explained to me on reddit but I still don't quite get it, maybe because I've never lived with a SO.

He does forget birthdays but I don't know them in the first place.

My mom definitely does remind my dad he should get a gift for coworker Y and that it's Grandma's Day so he should call and send flowers. :p

[deleted] · 2017-07-17T22:26:46+00:00

Is "emotional labor" sound kind of therapy term? I've never heard of it. I don't want to be some guy's mom but even so, helping out from time to time in order to get things done so we can get to the good stuff isn't going to kill me. I like to save my annoyance for the really big stuff cuz I can't waste my time with all that energy draining complaining. You know what? I could buy a card and a stamp, stick it in front of him and drop it in the mail in less time than I would spend writing some online rant about it. Could be my perspective is off I admit cuz not only do I do what I call "work work" for my boss I also shop for gifts for his wife and kids for him, go get or make his lunch, and run other errands for him. Whatever needs doing.

single_use_acc · 2017-07-17T23:33:52+00:00

[deleted]

damaskrose · 2017-07-18T03:08:46+00:00

I do the emotional labor when it comes to daily tasks. He does the emotional labor when it comes to our shared finances. So I think that's fair.

OfSpock · 2017-07-18T04:12:02+00:00

I do a small amount, for example, I remind him his mothers birthday is coming up but I don't buy a gift. Largely because our gift from her has been money for years and I can't be bothered.

As to the rest, he gave up a hobby and after a few months started whining that 'we' were spending too much time watching TV. So I signed us up for yoga and Latin dancing, both of which I wanted to try. Yoga sucked, I hate it, but we are both really keen on the dancing.

philomexa · 2017-07-17T19:13:27+00:00

I'm an INFJ, and other than INFPs who take the crown, we can be the feeliest bitches in the MBTI. I am always the one that puts in the most emotional labor in ALL of my relationships. That said, this is primarily because Im attracted to NT men, who are either emotionally absent or retarded.

my bfs, in order:

INTP, i'm pretty sure.
INTJ
ENTJ
ENTP
xSTJ, very random haha
INTP

I don't expect my bfs to remember or even care about the things I cherish, like important dates, my fav flavors or colors, light touch of the fingers, handholding, etc. And to nag them about it kills relationship intimacy. You have to love people how they are, not how you want them to be.

Plus, one of the best parts of dating NT guys is when they lower their guard and magically remember they have hearts, and they send you cute words absentmindedly like "Goodnight, love" or hold you hand while walking into the movie theater or give you the lovey dovey eyes after sex.

For those moments, I'm happily content bearing the burden of emotional labor. Its my strong suit, not theirs, so why not take it on?

Title	Q4W: Do you do the emotional labor in your relationship, if you do, why?
Author	behindcloseddoors1
Upvotes	10
Comments	77
Date	July 17, 2017 7:04 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/6nv8dy/q4w_do_you_do_the_emotional_labor_in_your/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4w-do-you-do-the-emotional-labor-in-your.266919 https://theredarchive.com/post/266919

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