How long should you date someone before deciding to marry?

husheveryone · 2020-09-28T19:34:42+00:00

Honestly, a spouse can reveal themselves to be an abuser at literally any point in a marriage - sometimes not until the wife is in her 50s or 60s. Recall that abuse also comes in many subtle forms, including financial and psychological. What you want to watch out for is any lie, no matter how small, and a sense of entitlement. Also read up on personality disorders and sociopaths.

DadaExperiment · 2020-09-28T19:58:28+00:00

Unfortunately, you can't really tell if they'll change once you're locked in. I was with my ex husband for 3 years before we got married and as soon as the ink was dry he started treating me differently. It was like the moment it was legally binding he dropped the act and treated me like shit. I've heard so many stories like this that it must be a common phenomenon for men to no longer feel obligated to perform their nice guy act once you're married or pregnant.

CNhuman · 2020-09-28T20:04:31+00:00

If I ever get married again, it sure as hell won't be to a man.

You can never know until it's too late, I'm just so glad divorce is a thing.

lafemmeviolet · 2020-09-28T21:43:24+00:00

I feel.like the vetting is never done. I would be unlikely to get married again. You never know when a man is gonna turn into a useless entitled teenager and you're his mom, maybe he's a high earner now but starts relaxing, you keep progressing. Suddenly youre the bread winner and he can go after you. I would never want to have to split assets or risk what I've earned when he quits his job because he has a mid life crisis and stays at home playing call of duty and jerking off. I'll be as committal as men. Soon as they stop being of value to my life, I don't want to be hiring a lawyer to be able to exit with my shit in tact.

2020-09-29T00:13:31+00:00

I'm sorry, there's really no good answer for this. I think the best thing we can do is to repeat on blast to NEVER be afraid to walk away and ALWAYS have access to your own money, your own account. Keep at least $5,000 as a 'fuck off fund' so if things go bad you at least have something to fall back on.

A lot of abusers isolate women and cut off any access to food and money.

IrritatedMango · 2020-09-28T20:20:23+00:00

My minimum is two years but as much as I love the idea of getting married to someone, I feel like I'll be put off by it more and more as the years go by.

nanofarm · 2020-09-28T23:00:03+00:00

It took 2 years of dating, five years of marriage, putting him through grad school, a pregnancy and me feeling safe enough to sink my life savings into a fixer upper. I spent two agonizing years trying to fix whatever had gone wrong and two more agonizing years getting my ducks in a row. During those towel years i had the heartbreaking task of coaching my daughter to identify her needs and speak clearly and calmly so she could advocate for herself with her dad. Because the bar is so low for fathers he looked like a great dad to everyone. It was infuriating but I never disagreed, was always pleasant, kind and supportive. Ultimately, he only wanted weekends anyways so she has a fun uncle dad that takes her to the beach every other weekend. NEVER EVER reveal that you have separate savings- I was smart enough to actually leave my “fuck you” money in a trust with my mom. And also smart enough to tell him she gifted it to us (I knew he wouldn’t understand why I had not told him about nearly $50k) but I was stupid enough to trust him after 7 years. ALWAYS have fuck your money. I wanted to buy a house so bad I let it cloud my judgment. It would have come out eventually though and I still have the house- renovated it all by myself! The best warning sign was that he was passive aggressive- I will never put up with that again. There is a post here called “make them say what they mean” which has been really helpful.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2020-09-28T19:42:43+00:00

I think it's really about the combination of vetting super strenuously + time. From dating to getting married I wouldn't wait longer than 2 to 2.5 years. 1 year to 1.5 years before engagement. Any longer and you've veered into forever girlfriend territory. If a man has not proposed by one year, statistically the chances that we he will ever propose to you drop significantly. So it's balance between taking time to vet but not waiting so long you get trapped with some dude who doesn't think you are marrying.

This is also why we have to be ready to leave. Always have a backup plan and money. There are women on this sub who, before getting married demanded 5,000 to 10,000 dollars contingency money from their husband to put in a bank account under her name only in case she has to leave him. They also asked for another 5 to 10 grand when they got pregnant/decided to start trying. If he has plenty of money ask for even more. Any worthwhile man should be able to come up with $5,000 to make you feel safe.

finance_lady · 2020-09-29T00:38:25+00:00

I was best friends with my most recent ex for nearly two decades before we dated for just over a year. I thought I knew him, I mean, a 17 year friendship prior to dating surely means no surprises, right? WRONG. When he decided to break up with me, he went about it in the most cowardly and cruel way possible: via a text message followed by blocking my number and all social media along with completely refusal to discuss what we were fighting about. It was our only argument ever, in 17 years of knowing each other, and not over anything remotely deal-breaking.

I cringe thinking about what would’ve happened had we gotten engaged or married and then had to face real problems as a couple someday? He prob would walked out without a second thought!

I do not think I’ll ever be able to fully trust any man ever again in my lifetime after that. The other shoe has to drop eventually. I will always have my own career, savings account, and independence. I know FDS preaches against “forever girlfriend” but I’d honestly be okay with that provided we did not cohabitate and my boyfriend had zero wife privileges (so, no combining money, cooking/cleaning for him, etc).

MomNateChloe · 2020-09-28T22:09:01+00:00

I would never get married again. I bought my own home by myself. No way I’m selling it or letting some scrote live here. They all change. And I’m never going down that road again.

2340000 · 2020-09-28T19:51:16+00:00

I hate to be the bearer of bad omens, but consider the quality of men and how much energy dating requires. There's your answer😩.

Although not all share my opinion, I encourage women to stop giving power to marriage, commitment, sex, etc. If you have anxiety about "when", you run the risk of settling and ignoring your own boundaries because you want the label more than you desire to stay true to your standards. I'm not saying become a forever girlfriend, I mean be okay with perpetual singlehood.

Once you accept that reality, then you can make realistic expectations for a relationship (if you happen to get in one). With that being said, I would not stay in a relationship longer than a year if marriage was not considered. Maybe even less time.

2020-09-28T22:43:00+00:00

I think the man should be eager to marry the woman but I personally will wait an absolute minimum of 3 years.

virtualreality_3 · 2020-09-28T23:29:28+00:00

I'm sorry you went through that, you deserve much better. You know, this is something that I've been wondering about seeing a partners character.

For instance, the time men are most likely to become abusive is when you are pregnant with their child. Probably because you then become more dependent on them. So this dependence brings it out if it is already there.

On here we say it's important to always have one foot out the door, meaning you can leave at any moment and your partner needs to know that you are relying on him for nothing, however this would keep you from seeing any abusive behaviour if it happens to exist, and sooner or later there will be situations where you do depend on him more, so should we simulate these kinds of situations? Wait for them to arise organically (I don't see this happening until I get pregnant)?

I think being strict on any red flags and vetting mercilessly is the only idea I have so far.

FireflySky86 · 2020-09-29T02:05:45+00:00

This is interesting to consider. I have had some personal timelines in my head as a self guide but this really sets it in a different tone. Typically my relationships seem to have had a lifespan of about a year, so I don't think I would start any kind of serious consideration until I get past that year mark. my longest relationships that I've ever had have only been 3 years, so I would want to pass that milestone before considering moving in let alone marriage. I have also felt like I would want a longer engagement to further vet the person (as well as to not stress about logistics of a wedding) so from start to finish I think I would need about 5 years. Of course if I were to find the love of my life tomorrow, I would be nearly middle age before getting married so...

werker115 · 2020-09-29T00:42:21+00:00

My friend dated her BF for 4 years, they were married for one year when he started to change. He insulted her appearance and had an affair.

AliceInDatingland · 2020-09-29T02:30:45+00:00

Everyone changes over time. Look at us - we are actively trying to change ourselves for the better. However, some people change for the worse.

Vet. Keep your eyes open. Know the signs.

And always be able to get out. Like many other Queens have said, have some money set aside. Keep your skills sharp if you are a SAHM or go back to your career after maternity leave is over.

LevelTurbulent · 2020-09-29T04:28:06+00:00

Yep, my best friend's ex husband was great when they were dating and once she was locked down and married, he raped her 1 week after the birth of their son.

My now ex husband maintained his mask for 20 years then dropped it and I finally saw the real him. You have to look for little signs. When something feels off, investigate it and hard. People will tell you not to, people will tell you you're crazy but if I had left the first time I had a weird feeling and something felt wrong I could have saved myself from 19 years with a psychopath.

Title	How long should you date someone before deciding to marry?
Author	riverboatgirl
Upvotes	77
Comments	36
Date	September 28, 2020 3:09 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/j1drfy/how_long_should_you_date_someone_before_deciding/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-long-should-you-date-someone-before-deciding.271625 https://theredarchive.com/post/271625

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