Lack of sex for men EQUALS bad sex/chore sex for women? Discuss.

cxj · 2015-08-19T18:22:18+00:00

Excellent thread gridd, thx for posting. You post the cold, hard truths that push me away from ltrs more and more. Lol

exit_sandman · 2015-08-19T17:21:09+00:00

If we see "not having sex when I want it" and "having to have sex when I don't want it" as a scale with "alone and unloved incel for life" on the one end and "traumatized victim of sexual violence" on the other (and every shade of that in between, with "amicably compromise to find a middle ground" at the center), I guess you can compare the two.

That said, I was in a relationship once where I didn't really want sex (due to a growing lack of attraction; I ended it pretty soon afterwards), and I was more annoyed than anguished when she wanted to; which is a far cry from how I felt when I didn't have any relationship at all. But then again, I was at the far end of the scale in the second case but a lot closer to the middle in the first.

[deleted] · 2015-08-19T22:04:05+00:00

Basically she's having much more than her natural sex drive and naturally this has lead her to view sex as a chore and something she dreads happening each day.

You're saying that having sex all week when you only want it a few days a week ends up making you see sex as a chore instead of something you previously loved? Have I got that right?

YES. I would agree that seems right.

With mismatched sex drives, I'd say he'd be better off waiting for her to initiate and having wild sex on those days - and him masurbating the rest of the days. That's a fair compromise. When I lived with a man who almost never wanted sex, I would have been deliriously happy and would have crawled over broken glass to get three days of good sex a week. I would have been more than happy to accommodate myself the rest of the time.

I am comparing the anguish a man who is temporarily not having the amount of sex he wants with that of a woman having sex when she doesn't want it.

NO. A thousand times, no. The man in this scenario is doing just fine. He has a woman who loves him and wants sex with him at least three times a week.

She, on the other hand, is in danger of being turned off sex altogether. If she keeps having sex while hating it, eventually she's going to resent not only sex but him.

Her anguish is going to be 1000 times worse than his anguish.

Maoist-Pussy · 2015-08-19T15:44:40+00:00

I don't think any woman has killed herself or shot up a theatre over bad sex.

grendalor · 2015-08-19T16:38:15+00:00

It's not really a good question, because the male sex drive is such that it needs release in a very strong way periodically. That changes over the course of life for most men, but if this guy is young, he's at peak libido, and quite frankly he needs to bust it or he gets distracted and unable to focus on other things. It's a bit more of an imposition, I think, although duty sex for a woman when she doesn't want sex is also not fun.

I'd say they are incompatible in this area and he needs to find a higher T woman with a higher libido.

Katniss_Granger · 2015-08-20T12:15:38+00:00

I'm honestly inclined to agree, if sex has become a chore then it ends up just...awful, we don't get "ready" for it and it hurts, the addition of lube solves the pain but then what? great we just have something hammering at our vagina. wooooondeful.

however

I think it can be solved with better sex, if the sex was truly good enough to be enjoyable then even with a low sex drive she'd still happily participate, if she orgasms every time or nearly every time and enjoyed it every time then what reason is there to not do it when possible?

I used to be genuinely concerned about my sex drive, I never really wanted it I just did it because it was a thing that had to be done and I honestly thought there was something wrong with me and it was so thoroughly depressing but with my newer SO we have sex about 10 times a day (but only see each other twice a week) and it's amazing every time, even if I'm not really up for it I still enjoy it once it gets going because it's so damn good.

A women who isn't enjoying sex needs to talk to her partner to find ways to improve it for both of them and if that's not possible then perhaps she should talk to a doctor.

The issue for a man not getting sex is this - what solution is there? He can't force her, he wants sex and he can't get it. His only real option is to find it elsewhere.

mr_one_liner · 2015-08-19T16:34:40+00:00

They did a study about this and found that having more sex than what you actually want makes you depressed.

SirNemesis · 2015-08-19T16:00:47+00:00

One is in a 5 year LTR that will likely lead to marriage.

Dude needs to next her.

Lonny_zone · 2015-08-19T15:38:06+00:00

the same intensity of mental anguish

I am so doubtful of this. What is worse: having more money than you know what to do with or being homeless?

vincentninja68 · 2015-08-19T21:52:23+00:00

I dont even see "duty sex" as an option in a relationship. If the girl I'm with starfishes on me, the first thing Im gonna ask is what's wrong. Sex for me needs to be an interaction not just a one-sided sexual release. I want the person I'm having sex with to actually want to have sex with me. If they're not into it, I may as well just jerk off.

Every relationship I've been in, we fucked 7-12 times a week depending on how sore she was and how long she needed to rest. I never once settled for starfish sex.

I feel like people who are in relationships that settle for duty sex are seriously lacking in communication on what they want from each other. That or undermining the importance of matching libidos.

hyperrreal · 2015-08-19T15:44:39+00:00

We have no way of knowing whether lack of sex for men is equal to chore sex for women. And I think this is an area where making a gender-based assumption isn't that productive.

"Chore-sex" is not a thing for everyone. I've dated women with super high sex drives, who wanted it more than me. I've dated women who wanted sex less than me, but were happy to fuck whenever just to get me off. And I've dated women for who definitely considered sex when they didn't want it to be a chore.

In my experience, when sex has become a problem in a relationship, it's a symptom of deeper issues. Underlying incompatibility, lack of attraction, unaddressed anger, fear or abandonment or intimacy, etc. That's probably what's happening with your friend's relationship.

So to answer your question, it's a fair comparison, but it doesn't address what's really going on. In both cases, the real problem is an unmet emotional need.

dallasdarling · 2015-08-19T17:50:36+00:00

Like most women she may also go through randomly horny moments where she could fuck all day, but that isn't a frequent thing.

Since when is that like "most women?"

She's compliant.

That's.... pretty awful. Compliance is a stance you take when someone in authority over you makes a demand of you. This is her partner. She can agree to join him in sexual activity, but to comply suggests that this is an order she is obeying. That's not how it should work.

Regarding your title - creating binary equivalencies is not a useful activity, in my opinion. Both issues are a problem. Trying to make a case that they are equal only results in a debate about who has it worse, and does the opposite of encouraging empathy.

mr_one_liner · 2015-08-19T18:28:20+00:00

No way to know from interviews & anecdotal data. Someone run a test.

GaiusScaevolus · 2015-08-19T18:33:48+00:00

Per your edit, I'm ignoring incels for this response, though I think the incel experience is something you'd have to address for this theory to gain traction.

It's an interesting idea, but I don't think they are EQUAL phenomena, if only because it's inappropriate to compare a lack of something to a surplus of that thing, whether the surplus is desired or not. Hand in hand with lack of sex is often lack of intimacy, both physical and emotional, which is a problem that having more than your quota of sex doesn't necessarily imply.

I think saying these two things are equal is akin to comparing a man who hasn't eaten in a week to a man who has a bad stomachache from thanksgiving. Neither position is great, but almost everyone would rather have too much than not enough/none.

PS: Why/how did they date for so long if his sex drive is 200-400% what her's is? This seems like a new issue.

wazzup987 · 2015-08-19T19:00:51+00:00

Ok so their are a few things at play

1.labido

2.Communication

3.Because of 2 lack of compromise

The solution to 1 is for the most part 3 after 2 has been established.

If i were some kind of a mutual friend i would say hey you two need to talk to each other and come to some kind of compromise. May have sex 8 times and week and make them rocking good fucks and then the guy can knock off the other 4-5 fucks with porn.

Or maybe explore poly/open relationship.

but the core issue is point 2

libertypole · 2015-08-19T22:31:27+00:00

i don't see how those things are the same at all.

one is a problem where the person doesn't like you enough to have sex with you. the other is a problem where the person likes you TOO MUCH!?!?! talk about first world problems.

dicklord_airplane · 2015-08-20T01:46:49+00:00

these sorts of comparisons seem useless. apples and oranges. there's no good way to objectively quantify suffering, so these sorts of debates will never end.

[deleted] · 2015-08-19T17:17:14+00:00

I've honestly never had too much sex before. Sometimes a good ol handy j works just as good

Title	Lack of sex for men EQUALS bad sex/chore sex for women? Discuss.
Author	GridReXX
Upvotes	9
Comments	149
Date	August 19, 2015 3:32 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/3hlfmo/lack_of_sex_for_men_equals_bad_sexchore_sex_for/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/lack-of-sex-for-men-equals-bad-sexchore-sex-for.280214 https://theredarchive.com/post/280214

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