Where did you all get the idea there was some kind of "ethics" in dating?

MrHerbSherman · 2019-07-02T05:03:17+00:00

I believe that the ethics of dating are more or less the same sort of ethics which id apply to my own life more generally

Eg the same reasons I’d generally be honest or generally avoid being cruel, by and large are the same reasons why I’d be honest or avoid being cruel in my dating life.

That said I don’t believe this is some kind of coherent rigorous system, by which I could prescribe rules for everyone. It’s more what I personally believe is right for me, what kind of behavior I’ll accept from myself and from the people I associate with.

To me it’s interesting to argue it with others and see what their moral positions are, but for the most part I’m thinking of it in terms of “oh so that’s how this person thinks, hm”

[deleted] · 2019-07-02T05:28:06+00:00

It's called normal human decency. Norms exist. Some semblance of right and wrong.. or good things to do and bad ones. That's the "ethics" of dating.

reluctantly_red · 2019-07-02T06:20:00+00:00

What duty do we owe strangers

We all owe our fellow humans a certain minimum level of kindness and empathy. Most people are programmed to do this -- we are a social species after all. For reasons I can't fathom some people feel its desirable to repress these better angels.

parranna · 2019-07-02T05:23:52+00:00

Social duty... just like children are expected to not bully each other... adults are expected to not be dicks to each other

reeearnakedchoke · 2019-07-02T05:17:11+00:00

As you all know, I'm am so old I should just die already, I have lived long enough to see what appears to me to be the overnight development of the ideas that there is none kind of "ethics" or "morality" (not sexual morality) to dating.

Is not cheating and not toying with peoples emotions in the realm of sexual morality?

Where did you all get the idea there is some ethics or morality to dating?

Reading your post I think you have a bigger problem with the language than the underlying right and wrongness judgments people make is that true?

Where does this idea there is an ethics or nonreligious moral duty in dating cone from? Did you all read a book that suggested it? Do people discuss dating like this off of reddit?

What are some ways it's discussed here that it's not in real life?

J_Milton_Jr · 2019-07-02T05:13:33+00:00

I think it's because most people believe that their own moral values and rules for dating also exist in the world of other people.

No one knows which moral values have priority for the other (if he is a stranger) and which not, so you have to guess something.

For lack of other options you simply take your own moral values and transfer them so that you are not completely unaware. ("I wouldnt do X or Y so the other person probably wont do it either")

Is that wise? Probably not, but I can imagine that people on a subconscious level would prefer to have information that may be wrong instead of having none at all.

Orange_Paisley · 2019-07-02T06:06:04+00:00

I try to live by the Golden Rule and “do unto others” and I apply it to dating.

CamoWoobie10000 · 2019-07-02T13:02:20+00:00

There is an implicit societal expectation to atleast have the veneer of being ethical. By unethical, I mean actually intending to do harm. Like misleading, using or abusing. In a social circle context, people enforce this with shaming and ostracization if they know you are a bad actor, especially to the opposite sex (men on average are much more vulnerable though).

With the rise of online dating, people are more able to access people outside of the reach of their social circle, so that unwritten contract goes unenforced, the only way it would ever really come back to you is if you tell other people how you behave.

That being said, I see it as merely a suggestion. I do not feel bound to any code. I see dating as the prisoner's dilemma on a societal level. Its a dog eat dog world. I see no value in adhering to a code when it puts me at a disadvantage and many other people dont follow it. I also feel justified in doing it as a man because the deck is already stacked against me. Women have every advantage and many of them still "cheat", you would have to be a fool to just lay down and take it. It doesnt make sense to me to not be unethical and self interested in a world where that is more and more becoming the norm.

rachaellefler · 2019-07-02T07:19:58+00:00

It's not ethical to cause pain, including emotional or psychological pain, to another human being. Most people can agree on that. In dating, ethical rules are set up to avoid intentionally causing pain. So lying and cheating are immoral in dating because of their potential for harm and to cause violence, sort of like for the same reasons that cheating at poker is unethical.

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Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2019-07-02T05:07:36+00:00

Where did you all get the idea there is some ethics or morality to dating?

People complain about behavior in dating and often frame the complaint in terms of ethics, and thus I can only surmise that there is some standard of behavior in their head from which that conduct is falling short.

Eastuss · 2019-07-02T07:50:05+00:00

"Si"

I'm am so old I should just die already

We need fossil fuel and you're not doing your job as an extinct dinosaur ffs.

Where does this idea there is an ethics or nonreligious moral duty in dating cone from? Did you all read a book that suggested it? Do people discuss dating like this off of reddit?

What makes you think that education has to be religious to involve these things? Mothers educate their son to not repeat what men did to them. Fathers educate and protect their daughters and couldn't care less about their sons. Morals and ethics are really just what's beneficial to women.

Nowadays' education and environment makes us believe there's a huge social backslash if we misbehave, we have to try it out to realize there's usually no backslash to being "unethical" or "immoral".

Littleknownfacts · 2019-07-02T10:12:19+00:00

Did you all read a book that suggested it?

The ethical slut. I doubt anyone has actually read it, but it's been memed.

trail22 · 2019-07-02T10:20:25+00:00

in pretty much every popular form of media that depicts life.

[deleted] · 2019-07-02T12:41:20+00:00

There isn't.

Except that one side being unfair is punished harshly by law, the other is aided by law.

And if you're on the side of being legally oppressed, best thing to do is not to play the game, its the only way to win.

ZodiacBrave98 · 2019-07-02T14:38:46+00:00

It's just another example of middle class morality.

Lonny_zone · 2019-07-02T16:33:32+00:00

People tend to behave like there is an ethical code to every human interaction whether it is something they arbitrarily believe or something they were taught. I think most of the people saying that in regards to dating use the idea that an idea an action “would hurt their feelings to unnecessary degree” as to whether or not it is ethical.

I don’t think you will resolve anything with this post because you have always conveyed a complex relationship with the word ethics that I have never totally understood, so most people on the sub definitely won’t get it.

usegao · 2019-07-02T20:47:31+00:00

what is your stand on burglary?

ChadThundagaCock · 2019-07-02T22:30:47+00:00

All is fair in love and war

binkerfluid · 2019-07-03T01:06:19+00:00

we live in a society...

Gravel_Roads · 2019-07-02T07:20:47+00:00

Because we're in a world obsessed with the "have"s and the "have not"s, and bottom-feeder sexless men cannot fathom a world where everything isn't about their dick. In their mind, everything women do is about dick - wear a nice dress? IT'S TO GET MEN HARD. Post a picture on social media? SEEKING SEXUAL VALIDATION! Not smiling or being sexually available? WITHOLDING FOR CHAD'S DICK!

So they see other people having discussions about what "should be" to make society fair, and seem to think that "fair" has to mean "literally everyone is satisfied". But they aren't satisfied, so they think they're being "neglected from the conversation" when in reality it's mostly that no one wants to fight for the rights of someone else's dick and no one cares if shitty people have a hard time getting laid

mistresswhat · 2019-07-02T20:25:28+00:00

From not being a piece of shit.

Joey_Lopez · 2019-07-02T05:10:41+00:00

Well I used to think that people together actually cared about each other. The same way you care about a friend and wouldn't want to hurt them. But like I said I used to think that.

NockerJoe · 2019-07-02T05:38:29+00:00

I mean in general I try to hold myself to a standard and expect people to do the same. I know these aren't arbitrary and I'm not crazy because most of my complaints are universally common and there are people just a bit older than me noting that "bad behavior" is more common.

Things I expect, in no particular order.

Someone showing up vaguely on time when they agree to be somewhere.
Someone in a conversation to contribute to that conversation.

That's it. It's not a terribly long list.

[deleted] · 2019-07-02T06:03:42+00:00

Shakespeare pre empted all this with that line about all’s fair in love and war

Urfunnychad · 2019-07-02T06:17:53+00:00

The morality?

How many kids born from inside you? L E L

Please tell us about your morality.

You got it figured out dead girl we all love to pat on the head

Reisiluu · 2019-07-02T07:02:00+00:00

Knowledge of fair, right and wrong is inherent to humans. We don't need a book for that. Cruelty, deceit, greed and selfishness are not the norm and do not promote social cohesion.

wtffellification · 2019-07-02T10:26:50+00:00

i would prefer the word dignity over ethics

wtknight · 2019-07-02T12:56:07+00:00

I think in the old days people didn’t date long before they married. Now, people often have LTRs for so long that they become quasi-marriages.

I think that there are some ethics to dating just for safety purposes, such as disclosing all sexual partners that one concurrently has so that STDs are not easily spread. Other than that, I pretty much agree with OP’s premise. A relationship is not a promise or vow like a marriage is.

pnadlerlaw · 2019-07-02T13:11:36+00:00

That’s a good question. Where do ethics and morality come from for everything else not mentioned in the Bible?

Electra_Cute · 2019-07-02T14:01:32+00:00

I imagine no one thinks there is a specific ethics to dating, but rather they apply the ethical principals they have to the dating world such as: do not lie or do not harm etc.

[deleted] · 2019-07-02T22:18:34+00:00

I, for one, am extremely glad that we can be more self-aware than ever in the way we analyze our own behavior when dating. It allows us to set boundaries and recognize toxic behaviors (and good ones.)

You seem to be surprised by the fact that ethics in dating always existed, just like with any other interpersonal relationship.

MisterJose · 2019-07-03T00:54:22+00:00

It's founded on the fact that we're all stuck with each other here on this planet, and the world just doesn't work if we're all dicks to each other all the time.

You don't have to feel bound to some obligation like it's a law, just think of it as a good idea.

[deleted] · 2019-07-04T02:37:47+00:00

Fem brained people think that. So beta men and most women basically date with naivety and blind trust and become shocked when they discover dating isn't ethical.

Most people I've met do have a double standard about ethics in dating. When men "misbehave" (follow their imperative to be a dog), it's normal. But god forbid you say that you want a man you're attracted to. Everyone in a ten mile radius will tell you "It's about their HEARTTTT give him a chance".

rasmelo · 2019-07-04T05:10:51+00:00

It's self respect.

[deleted] · 2019-07-04T19:07:55+00:00

So, what, is your old lady brain suggesting we return to "Knock out with club, drag to cave?" or what? Is that like what you think natural human dating is? I'm genuinely curious where this line of thought is going because ethics and morality don't exist anywhere, ever, unless people inject it into the situation. The idea that dating involves ethics is that if it doesn't, then there's no structure present to make the relationship healthy for both parties.

These ideas you're seeing, besides traditional morality and concepts that are older than all of us, is coming from the idea that ethics allow both humans in a relationship to move towards homeostasis in the relationship and provides a structure for interaction that can move any relationship towards sustainability.

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Where did you all get the idea there was some kind of "ethics" in dating?

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BABY DON'T HURT ME

Title	Where did you all get the idea there was some kind of "ethics" in dating?
Author	Atlas_B_Shruggin
Upvotes	10
Comments	106
Date	July 2, 2019 4:48 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/c84ybg/where_did_you_all_get_the_idea_there_was_some/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/where-did-you-all-get-the-idea-there-was-some-kind.298972 https://theredarchive.com/post/298972