About to become a single mom... Is there any hope?

teaandtalk · 2020-05-13T15:59:54+00:00

Everyone is telling you how noble you are and how men will view this differently from single mothers who made bad decisions. It's a feel good Hallmark moment on RPW. You are doing something selfless and we get to watch and 'support' you.

Why is this falling to you? Why not your parents or grandparents or your aunt? Why is this not falling to the established members of the family? Without additional context, it looks like your family is asking a huge burden from you. If this was a relationship with an older man (however old your aunt is) who was asking you to take responsibility for his children at 20, everyone would be giving this the side eye and suggesting that you were being manipulated.

This is going to change your life in ways that you cannot foresee. Having kids changes everyone's life even when it's a plan and a desire. Even people with oopsie babies have some time to mentally decide if this is the correct course of action for them -- whether they choose to keep, terminate or give a baby up for adoption, they have the ability to think about this. Have you been given time to decide or were you told "it's you or no one and it's now or never"? Your post is light on details so I hope there is more going on to support you and give you room to make this choice than it sounds.

Now, about finding a guy:

Yes, the fact that these are not your children will be a mitigating factor to some men. However, even the men telling you that they'd date you are speaking in the hypothetical. Take it with a grain of salt. Men may be understanding, they may even like you a lot but it's a huge responsibility to take on someone else's children. You will lose a lot of good guys to this.

And that's just looking at men's perception of you. This will put a damper on your ability to date and it should. Bringing an unrelated man into the house has a high risk for abuse to the kids. Predators seek out single mothers for access to their children. You will have to start relationships with a higher sense of mistrust and caution because it's not just your own security on the line.

You also won't have the time. I don't know the kids ages but you won't have every weekend free to date anymore. You'll have kids who need your time and attention, particularly if they are coming from a messy situation.

Depending on age and situation, there might be additional difficulties when you have children of your own. Will your husband still treat your cousins as equal to his own children? Will you? Will your cousins kids have problems with your "real" kids?

There is very little in dating that will definitely result in your being alone and single. This will absolutely 100% decrease your dating pool and impact your ability to date. If you feel compelled to take on this role then you should do that, I imagine it will have it's own rewards. However, you are not selfish if you put your own life in front of other people's lives and bad decisions. You have to live your life til the end, no one else can do that for you.

Good Luck!

pennynotrcutt · 2020-05-13T10:47:41+00:00

Hi, man here.

This is literally the single and only story that would make me feel ok dating a single mom.

You’re stepping up to take care of a family members children who need to be cared for. It’s admirable and shows serious character and strength. It would be difficult, but it’s a hell of a lot different than most single mom stories.

buddha2145 · 2020-05-13T09:12:13+00:00

I would totally be okay with being with a woman that has kids that isn’t hers. I’d actually think that’s very sweet and would love her more. You’re an adoptive mom then, very different

fakeginger1 · 2020-05-13T08:41:38+00:00

Hi OP! I’m 22, my mum was arrested a year ago after I just started dating my now fiancé. On her arrest I was given my two sisters to look after and I gave my bf at the time an ultimatum, leave me and I will understand as a family at 23 is rough. Or stay, and we do it together. He chose to stay, my mum has been released and is back being the main caretaker of my sisters but in that moment of uncertainty I thought I’d be looking after them for 10yrs.

You are so brave for stepping up to look after these kids and they will appreciate everything you’ve done for them. You are amazing and any guy that knows your story, a good guy, will understand and see what you’ve sacrificed as a POSITIVE. Some men might not want this extra drama in their lives but the right guy for you won’t be put off by this, they’ll see you as a maternal warrior who is looking after children because it is the RIGHT thing to do. I don’t know what could be more attractive in a potential relationship.

Stop worrying about what guys might think of it. Be the best parent you can to these kids, give them everything you can but also look after yourself. And someone who is in awe of what you’ve done, and someone who wants to help you and support you will come along.

Xx

ldnborda · 2020-05-13T12:48:31+00:00

A woman that already has kids is not someone id consider at my age (23), but a woman that has literally taken on someone else’s kids out of the goodness of her heart is dream woman material.

riseoftherice · 2020-05-13T11:53:12+00:00

As many have said, finding men will not be as much of a problem. If you're going to open a dating site profile, you probably should make sure it's clear that while you're their mother, you're not the bio mom and don't have baggage relating to most 20yo moms. Many quality men that ignore single moms will date this parenthood circumstances.

Also, you must know because of your nannying job how serious raising kids is and how you're tied down to them. Do remember that you're still 20 and should live your life as much as you can in your circumstances. Vacations and me-time is a must and asking for help with that is important. Lots of love and good luck xx

silvernikki · 2020-05-13T12:23:45+00:00

From what I understand, men don't want to date single mothers because the child is like visual proof that their wife slept around before them. But these are your cousin's kids. All they're proof of is that you're a wonderful person who puts others first. I can't see this putting any good man off.

teaandtalk · 2020-05-13T05:41:39+00:00

A good guy won't blame you for taking on someone else's children, if they're not in the picture. (If there's baggage, and they expect to be in the children's lives...that's different.) It's not the same thing as them being yours with another man. It will turn many off, though.

Are you really sure you want to do this? Taking on children (presumably abused children if CPS is involved) is a big, big deal. Being a single parent is a big deal. You don't have to do this just because your family is pressuring you to.

MizzGia · 2020-05-13T12:29:28+00:00

the reason guys don't date single moms is for three main reasons:

it shows a likelihood that she makes poor choices in life and with men. So basically it's a red flag that this is not someone who is capable of having a successful long term relationship due to their poor decision making
because the guy will always be second to her kids
it's just extra baggage to deal with

but your situation is a little different cos the reason you're doing it is actually due to a positive character trait. You're actually stepping up to do something that helps someone else when they aren't even your kids.

so in your case, point 2 and 3 still stand but point 1 is actually discounted now cos you could almost argue that you taking these kids is due to positive decision making as it's an act of doing something for someone else.

so in conclusion. It will DEFINITELY make dating harder, obviously. but you're not doomed because you don't have the negative traits associated with bio single mothers, plus you have the story to back it up that you don't have the negative traits. A lot of guys mainly don't date single mothers due to the association with bad decision making, narcisissim etc. but your situation is very different so you won't have it as bad as most single mothers.

keep in mind this is just my 2cents as a guy looking form the outside, i'm by no means an expert.

squishles · 2020-05-13T12:59:49+00:00

Eh a girl single momming with a relatives kids would bother me a whole lot less than with her own kids. It's more a story of you being responsible vs irresponsible.

RodeoQueen16 · 2020-05-13T05:40:27+00:00

I was a single mom at one point. I gave up some parts of my life I’ll admit but it’s worth it in the end. As for guys I feel like it helped weed some out lol I mean I would talk to guys and if they couldn’t handle me putting someone else first besides them I dumped them. I’m not the type to put a guy before everything else. I met my now husband and he was always understanding. Once we where at a concert at the fair and my daughter was there. She was there with some other kids and family. They had asked to have her over for a sleep over weekend and fair time. And I told him I wanted to go see her but I wasn’t ready for him to meet her yet and he respected it and just waited till I came back. To me that was important. And after a while I introduced them and he and her got along great. Whenever I had to work on holidays he would always make sure they did something fun together. He treated her as his own. Then I got pregnant with our baby. We never rushed anything because of the pregnancy. I was the one who freaked out about it he was totally calm. He treats both the girls as his if they both where his. Well after a while we bought a house and got married and all that Jazz. Now I’m a stay at home mom. Being a single mom doesn’t mean your life is over or it won’t get better. It’s not the end of the world. You’ll still find a great man and have a happy ending. I did.

toomanytocount007 · 2020-05-13T12:07:21+00:00

I was a single mom (to my own child) at 18. Started dating my soon to be husband when I was almost 20. Your match is out there somewhere, just don’t force it. What you’re doing is amazing by the way.

FPS_Cajun · 2020-05-13T14:28:17+00:00

Guys point of view here, as long as you're upfront clear about the situation you'll honestly be fine. The reason guys generally don't date single moms is the baggage that often comes with them being bio. Since they aren't bio you don't have that baggage, so it removes a ton of the aversion guys will have.

That's not to say it won't be more difficult than not, you have responsibilities to those kids that you have to deal with before you can go on dates/be in a relationship. That can make it difficult to have the time and energy to spend on someone and makes it hard to get further in a relationship.

There are tons of dating profiles of single moms where she is all "my kids come first and if you can't handle that hit the road". That is the exact opposite approach to take. Why TF would I want to date someone who treats it like they won't try and make time for me they just give me their extra. It's going to be a balancing act between kids and relationship, but it can be done!

just_a_mum · 2020-05-13T13:45:33+00:00

There are plenty of women with a non rp background who still find their captain. There are plenty of men out there who will happily fulfill the roll of captain to an already made family, for the right first mate.

Just continue being the best version of you that you can be, including being a much needed caring mother to your cousin's kids.

Whatever answer you find on here from various people, it sounds like it won't change your mind in taking in these children. So try not to take much heed in the opinions of people who might put you down. You are an amazing person. Keep your feminine confidence.

i_cri_evry_tim · 2020-05-13T19:14:55+00:00

Being a single, foster mother to children that are in need and blood related to you or being what most people will understand by “single mom” are very different things.

Yes. Some (or many, I can’t tell) men won’t be interested in that dynamic, but having these children in your life says something about your character that is very different from what having an out of wedlock biological child would.

Of course there is hope.

autoflowergal · 2020-05-13T14:16:38+00:00

I cannot believe how much smoke is being blown up your ass here.

This is a completely life ruining move at your peak age that will utterly and completely ruin your chances with desirable men. This is a terrible thing to saddle you with and if you can get out of it you absolutely should. Only the dregs of men will take you on with all those kids. Do not do this to yourself

vicsj · 2020-05-13T14:38:02+00:00

I don't think you have to worry. I mean, if even widows with children deserve love then why wouldn't you? Despite what this sub is about, there are many men out there with different views and values and I'm sure you'll find one that fits you perfectly.

HB3234 · 2020-05-13T15:29:31+00:00

Are you really the only one who can take them? There are no grandparents on either side? I want to take your story at face value OP, but please make sure you're exploring every avenue you possibly can. You are very young and if you can avoid becoming a single mom, it would be better for you-- not because of dating prospects alone but just because that's really tough, you're young and solo and will be raising kids with some trauma from being separated from their parents (and whatever caused their parents to lose them).

MizzGia · 2020-05-13T16:35:44+00:00

To clarify the running question before I respond to comments.

There is no one else. My parents are too old, my cousin's dad has a record, and the boyfriend's parents are both dead. My brother is in the army, and their siblings are all under age.

I grew up with my cousin, and when she got pregnant with her first, I knew it was a possibility. I've done what I can to make sure I'll be approved, and waited. She had her daughter and her son back to back (14 months apart) due to her bad choices, which she's been open about.

I know this will 'wreck my life'. I'm thankful to all of the kind comments that are still admitting the truth. I know it'll be hard. But nothing in life is easy. And I couldn't live with myself if anything bad ever happened to these children. I don't want them in foster care when there's a ready and willing adult who has been present in their lives from day one.

sikulet · 2020-05-13T20:11:10+00:00

I know a girl who took over parental duties and raised her siblings. True she didn’t get to date around till most of them were stable and she was 27 by then, but by the time she did - she was able to successfully navigate against guys looking for casual. True that kids can be considered a baggage but it also presents an opportunity - those who are casual enough about you will not engage, and those who will pursue from the get go already know what they will commit to.

Just don’t lose shape or looks as many moms do because of the daily chores stress and hone the home making skills you’d pick up along the way. This girl I’m telling you about? Got married to the guy who found her cute and messaged her on Facebook at 29. They got to talking and dating for two years, guy even got a car specifically bigger to carry siblings along on trips.

okquestionthen · 2020-05-13T20:48:45+00:00

My mother and father had problems, and was unable to care for me. A family member step up and adopted me. Honestly I think it’s really kind of you if you do this.

KendraAndreas · 2020-05-14T06:20:28+00:00

Well it sounds like you know what you want.

I know you said you’re not sure why you wrote this, but... why did you write this?

There must be a reason.

I think whatever led you to post this is something that you should look at. It could be that you are unsure. It could be that you just wanted to get an idea of the worst case scenario or anything in between but I think it is worth taking a look at.

2020-05-14T16:58:13+00:00

In your position, I would absolutely do what you are doing.

As a well-meaning Internet stranger, do not let your cousin‘s many mistakes direct the whole flow of your life.

loneliness-inc · 2020-05-13T12:48:31+00:00

There are several reasons as to why a single mother has lower sexual and relationship market value. Some of them don't apply to you, but some still do. Let's go through some of these factors.

Is a reckless slut - this doesn't seem to apply to you.

Isn't a virgin - IDK whether this applies to you or not.

Has baggage from the previous relationships - you may not have the same baggage nor may you have the same type of baggage, but I'm pretty sure you'll have some baggage from being mom to these kids.

Baby daddy drama - is this an issue? IDK.

Is irresponsible - many will see you as irresponsible for taking on such enormous responsibility at 20 years old. Some will see it as noble.

Kids will come first - this will be an issue with you as it is with every single mother. It's impossible for your man to be your number one. Many men don't want to be the fifth wheel.

Kids will alienate him - this is a real possibility here too.

12sushi · 2020-05-13T15:19:14+00:00

You are only 20. Whoa. Sorry Sister. I hope you get everything you wanted.

tonguexp · 2020-05-13T17:11:18+00:00

It needs to be said.

You are not selfish, as it is no ones responsiblity to save the world. Even if this is blood relatives. Will these kids benefit from having a blood relative or a more resourceful home. It may not be a popular decision you make with others judging you, but it is those parents who put those kids in that position. Work on yourself, and maybe one day you can take them when prepared.

ASTRA-LUX · 2020-05-13T08:22:34+00:00

[removed]

LemurianStarseed11 · 2020-05-13T18:32:43+00:00

I have personally seen four single mom friends, in their 20s with 2-3 kids, some from different dads end up marrying a quality guy. I think there’s truth that many men will be turned off by kids, but there are certainly enough men that are ok with it to not make my four friends experiences a statistical anomaly.

About to become a single mom... Is there any hope?

Comments

Responsibility for several children!

Title	About to become a single mom... Is there any hope?
Author	MizzGia
Upvotes	74
Comments	93
Date	May 13, 2020 5:17 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/giskm8/about_to_become_a_single_mom_is_there_any_hope/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/about-to-become-a-single-mom-is-there-any-hope.664519 https://theredarchive.com/post/664519