Don't fall for the "live together before marriage" myth.

HumanError66 · 2020-04-22T06:35:23+00:00

i did it once, it was a mistake. It's like playing house, without the responsibility of being in a committed relationship. I wouldn't move in with a partner at all unless we were engaged or married.

sadpourtoujours · 2020-04-22T03:52:14+00:00

I agree 100%. Co-habitation before you are married is a mistake. You should be spending enough time with your SO to know what their living habits are like. You shouldn’t have to live with them to know if they do their laundry, keep a clean house, and cook their own meals.

Moving in with them before marriage will just result with you doing wifey shit before you’ve achieved wife status. It also kills mystery and excitement. If he wants access to you at all times as a co-habitant partner, he needs to marry you first.

I’ve also read studies that married couples that live apart, or have separate bedrooms/bathrooms, have happier marriages. Why? Again, mystery and intrigue. Over exposure and familiarity breed contempt and complacency. Keeping certain things separate is good. Being up each other’s ass 24/7 isn’t it.

zolbutrin · 2020-04-22T06:53:14+00:00

These stats should be evaluated more carefully. A couple major issues with her argument:

1: neglecting potential confounders

People who don’t live together before marriage are more likely to be from conservative backgrounds where divorce is shameful and women are expected to stick by their man at all costs (and in many cases are financially dependent on them). There was a study (Woods and Emery) that showed “cohabitation accounted for little variance in divorce rates after controlling for the cultural factors of ethnicity and religion and the personal attribute of delinquency.”

2: assuming our top priority should be to avoid divorce

You know when else divorce rates were lower? In the 50s. Sometimes you can do everything right and still marry a LVM. Divorce happens, knowing your worth and walking away from a bad situation is not something to be ashamed of.

most importantly this woman is seriously problematic

I’ve read a lot of her stuff and i’m not super impressed by her. She acts more like a pyramid scheme motivational speaker than an academic. This is the same woman who did the “30 is not the new 20” Ted talk in which she urges women in their 20s to find a good partner and get a solid career now or risk being unhappy forever. If it sounds similar to “the wall” that men talk about, that’s because it is. Also she lives in Charlottesville VA which is like a terrifying 1950s time machine mixed with a frat party for those who have never been 😂

Sekina7 · 2020-04-22T12:06:25+00:00

I agree in theory but I also know living together shows a lot of (smart) women that most men just want mommy with sex lol-gross I know. So this is why I would NEVER move in with a guy without being engaged first and I'll insist on doing this on a temporary year-long basis before deciding to proceed with the marriage. Also, NO BUYING PROPERTY UNLESS MARRIED!!!

UpbeatIncubator · 2020-04-22T04:05:14+00:00

[deleted]

idiosyncraticg1 · 2020-04-22T03:35:21+00:00

To each their own. Living before marriage is a good idea because you get to see if your man is a real HVM or not. The ideal situation is to move in once you get engaged.

RadarFemef · 2020-04-22T06:55:00+00:00

I really, really don’t agree with this and I would NEVER marry a man before I experienced living with him at least for a short period of time but I know everyone is different. Good luck out there.

kiyankiriam · 2020-04-22T06:02:48+00:00

[deleted]

flowers4u · 2020-04-22T06:31:18+00:00

A few of my friends moved in once engaged with the wedding a year out. I think that’s fair.

detectivejuicee · 2020-04-22T09:07:50+00:00

I feel like that could be dangerous advice tbh. Especially with abusers that don’t reveal themselves until after you moved in with them. I agree for not being a live-in girlfriend but idk how I feel about moving in after marriage only. It looks to me like an easy way for the man to hide a lot of issues. I was dating a wonderful guy for a year or so and we had to move in together at some point while I was looking for an apartment. Felt like he was a completely different guy after I moved in, he was abusive let’s say it how it was. Couldn’t see that only until after we moved in together, so yeah personally I’d want to live together about a year before getting married.

onemoredaydream · 2020-04-22T10:39:37+00:00

I really can identify with the feeling of "what are we doing". I lived with a boyfriend for 1.5 years in my mid twenties, and eventually broke it off and moved out when I realized that my life was just.... suspended. Nothing was happening. I didn't want to get married, they weren't about to suggest it of their own accord, my job sucked, everything just felt empty.

Shokkolatte · 2020-04-22T12:59:45+00:00

I completely agree and I'm not religious.

You don't need to be around each other 24/7 to know what they will be like in a marriage. People's character doesn't change once you live with them, so vet the character and not the living habits, which are simply direct results of their character.

RegularStatus5 · 2020-04-22T12:40:32+00:00

I am not sure I agree with this. I get where you are all coming from, but I firmly believe you should live with a person before deciding to marry him. Marriage brings legal and financial obligations to your spouse and divorce can often be costly and messy. What if the man has gross habits you didn't know about, or doesn't respect your boundaries while living together, or you simply can't cohabit peacefully? I would rather know and simply end a relationship rather than have to get a divorce.

meecy166 · 2020-04-22T06:21:41+00:00

One question, what if you were engaged and he proposed to you? What if you are broke, nowhere to go and he offers? And I’m still navigating the whole thing and I always imagine scenarios like this. And also before you get married wouldn’t it be smart to live with the guy and try to see what it is like to live with him. I’m just curious, not saying you are wrong or anything.

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estu0 · 2020-04-23T15:41:36+00:00

T H I S. My parents moved in together 6 months before they got married, but that was only because they were engaged had already bought a house together, and didn’t want it to sit empty. If a man asks me to move in with him there better be a damn ring on my finger

jeanneeebeanneee · 2020-04-22T16:35:27+00:00

Living with a man can be the source of many problems, both in and out of marriage. If my ex-husband and I could have lived separately while we were married, there's a decent chance we'd still be happily married. Now that we're divorced and co-parenting, we get along much better.

Title	Don't fall for the "live together before marriage" myth.
Author	NecessaryCook
Upvotes	157
Comments	48
Date	April 22, 2020 2:37 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/g5t3lz/dont_fall_for_the_live_together_before_marriage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/dont-fall-for-the-live-together-before-marriage.677831 https://theredarchive.com/post/677831

Comments

1: neglecting potential confounders

2: assuming our top priority should be to avoid divorce

most importantly this woman is seriously problematic