Is it a red flag if a man in his late twenties doesn’t speak to his mom ?

jesza09 · 2020-07-13T03:46:19+00:00

For me it’s an orange flag. Some people have genuinely toxic, abusive and neglectful parents, I did, and in that case cutting them off is self care. In absence of those things and if their differences and disagreements seem trivial then it’s a massive red flag.

dntbfllikeidid · 2020-07-13T04:05:26+00:00

Of course not! My ex-husband didn’t speak to either of his parents and I never even met them in person. His mom was a narcissistic evil B and his father an alcoholic. Unless you know what went on between the 2 of them and know for sure it’s his fault they don’t speak anymore, you shouldn’t generalize. Not every mother is a caring and loving mother, the same way not every single man is a worthless pos.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2020-07-13T03:27:20+00:00

It kind of sounds like there must be a reason for him no longer speaking to his mother. I would definitely ask him about why, subtly. It depends on his answer but most people don't stop speaking to their mother is unless there's a big reason.

2020-07-13T10:40:57+00:00

Many parents and families are toxic/abusive and it's adult and healthy thing to cut them off.

sashimi_girl · 2020-07-13T12:08:09+00:00

I was emancipated and have no relationship with my mom for several reasons, including my physical safety. If you haven’t been talking for long, he might not be ready to disclose something that personal yet. And you’re “just friends”.

JaneIsaPain · 2020-07-13T05:41:40+00:00

Ive met some insane mothers. Continue but get more info

Fatt3stAveng3r · 2020-07-13T11:26:02+00:00

Eh, it depends really. My father is racist and very loud about it so I've stopped talking with him, just because I can't deal with it. My mom is a narcissist, and I can't talk much with her either - our relationship is only surface level. So I can understand a child not speaking to their parents. I would call it a yellow flag until you know what's going on. Proceed with caution and leave the situation immediately if you sense he has unresolved issues from it and isn't seeking therapy or help (I needed it to deal with my narc mother, probably going to talk about my dad soon, ugh).

PinkestMango · 2020-07-13T10:10:48+00:00

Depends why he doesn't.

Many men tend to blame their moms for the divorce of the parents (ever heard the line "Women initiate most divorces"?). So, a reason could be really petty and stupid, in which case, pay attention.

However, shitty relationship with one's parents could have a thick, serious basis. It does for me, and being female, people just expected me to bend over for my parents and listen to them, and sometimes even say that you are obligated to allow family do absolutely anything they want. And after all the abuse, as a woman, I was still societally expected to take care of them in their old age, probably as they continue to make me feel smaller than a servant.

So parents can be absolute demons. Or your potential BF can be. It is up to you to carefully observe.

night_glitter · 2020-07-13T06:39:30+00:00

It really depends. I don’t speak with my parents, because my father is a huge narcissist who abused my sister and me, and my mom refused to leave him. He continued to emotionally abuse us on into our 20s after we moved out. In our 30s, my sis and I had enough and went NC. Of course, I still talk to her and keep in touch with other family members who were not involved (like cousins), not complicit with the abuse.

So it really depends. If it’s only 2 months ago, one would think he would need some sort of therapy to heal (not that he isn’t, because he may not have shared that with you). My sis and I both did. Just be mindful that he is taking responsibility for himself.

to_learn_to_fly · 2020-07-13T09:44:59+00:00

It's impossible to tell without knowing the mother and the dynamics between her and her child. Sometimes it can even be a green flag, e.g. when the mother is abusive, manipulative etc. and the child breaks free from her, especially as a result of therapy. Conversely, troubled family relationships and NO therapy is a huge red flag for me.

punk_and_bi · 2020-07-13T04:07:28+00:00

I mean.. it definitely depends. I would call it a yellow flag. Proceed with caution. Some mothers are overbearing and terrible. My fiancé does not speak to their parents and neither does their brother because their parents are abusive and manipulative. I would not say it’s an automatic no, but it definitely means you should pay extra attention for other possible flags

mimi_miumiu · 2020-07-13T11:55:09+00:00

Yellow flag, yeah. I feel that it’s something to keep on the back burner. Time will reveal if it is a red flag or not. You’re smart to caution, but also hard to tell. It could very well be for valid non misogynistic reasons.

I was in a very similar situation with my ex (HVM, we just didn’t work out). I spent so much time worrying about it but later in the relationship she would reach out to me directly and then begin leaving voice messages about all her problems /call me to cry at random hours of the day. I’d also later notice he had to keep his phone turned off because she would call him and leave him hundreds of voicemails a day and one time he played one for me and she was just saying really vile things to him 😔.

Sometimes ya just don’t know how fucked family lives can be. Wishing you luck and the best of vibes

circescircus · 2020-07-13T10:59:46+00:00

Maybe I'm too cold, but I would write him off, even if it's not his "fault" that he doesn't speak to her. She could be abusive or narcissistic or an addict. Still, not my problem.

Women with abusive parents often get help, they work hard for years, if not decades, to try to understand themselves, to heal and to have good relationships. The chance of a man doing this level of self-work (this is like phD level of self-work) is close to zero.

If he cut off contact with his mom because she's abusive-- he's going to have issues, definitely very serious issues with women, and chances are that as a man, he is not going to work hard on healing.

Men with daddy issues are bad enough, the ones with mommy issues just scare me. I can't take a chance on a guy with that kind of background.

ExistingPack5077 · 2020-07-16T17:47:03+00:00

Notice that this means he's kept in contact overseas until now. There's probably a reason he stopped.

EffectiveHoneydew422 · 2020-07-13T04:17:20+00:00

I think orange flag until you have more information on what the fight was about- does he express any remorse on his behalf? Does he display any understanding of his mother’s point of view? Think about how a healthy person would reflect on a fight with a parent (even if the parent is abusive a-hole and had to be cut off)

There could be green flags within this situation but keep alert for any further red flags and make decisions based of clusters of flags if anything.

Hope this helps, always trust your gut at the end of the day- Sometimes it’s our subconscious/intuition that is singling red flags and then our mind will look for any reason and then try to debate it. Xo

cirrus_cloud · 2020-07-13T03:35:45+00:00

His relationship with his mother is a HUGE indicator of the relationship he will create with his future wife. Keep that in mind if you pursue something with him.

Ms_Snicket · 2020-07-13T16:56:13+00:00

It can be, BUT there are perfectly legitimate reasons that this could happen.

A close friend that I've been low-key in love with for years doesn't speak to his mother at all and hates her, but it's completely understandable. She is very mentally ill and was horribly abusive. He has good relationships with his other parents and stepparents, and is a really nice guy.

What I'm trying to say is that there has to be a story there.

throwaway23004345 · 2020-07-13T03:37:23+00:00

Yea it’s a red flag. It’s a data point for sure that you need to look in to.

Sisi21cent · 2020-07-13T14:35:07+00:00

Yes. Run. Unless she is a witch and you have other witness sources, it is.

midge_rat · 2020-07-13T16:45:27+00:00

Having a good relationship with his parents was an extremely important non-negotiable for me. I’m very close to my family and want my future husband to have the same sort of dynamic that I do. My closeness with my parents and siblings was a constant source of issues with my ex and I will not go through that again. And his toxic parents made him a toxic person too. NO THANKS!

giftofnocondemnation · 2020-07-13T03:53:02+00:00

If he's pouting and giving his mother the silent treatment, he will do the same to you. A HVM will love his mother, and have a healthy mother/son dynamic. This guy fought with his mother, and now they are not speaking? Ugh. That doesn't sound like a functional mother/son relationship to me. Huge red flag.

moumerino · 2020-07-13T16:24:53+00:00

Definitely an orange flag. Even if there's genuine reason for him not speaking to her, he could be emotionally damaged. Make sure he isn't looking for a mother figure or for a free therapist.

Title	Is it a red flag if a man in his late twenties doesn’t speak to his mom ?
Author	readyheartsx
Upvotes	19
Comments	43
Date	July 13, 2020 2:48 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/hq7ecs/is_it_a_red_flag_if_a_man_in_his_late_twenties/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/is-it-a-red-flag-if-a-man-in-his-late-twenties.712568 https://theredarchive.com/post/712568

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