Open relationship, stupid idea?

CrazyHorseInvincible · 2018-02-02T00:43:22+00:00

A quick note: While a large majority of RPW subscribers are traditionalist and sexually conservative, we are here for any woman, from religious traditional conservative to bdsm girl, who wishes to learn RedPill strategy and use it in her love life. Discussion of alternative or unusual sexual arrangements is explicitly not off-limits or against the rules.

Members are free to discuss whether such things are a good or bad idea from a practical standpoint, but moral condemnations are off-limits.

girlwithabike · 2018-01-31T22:07:10+00:00

It is most likely but not definitely a stupid idea.

Awhile back my husband wanted to do the threesome thing. He'd done it before but never with me and I trusted him and said 'why not'. So I'm just going to tell you what I discovered from that so that you have more to consider when making your decision.

The women who are interested in being with a married man are not necessarily women you will want in your life. I don't know how this plays out in an open relationship. For me, it meant someone who left her underwear and toothbrush at my house after one night (among other things). You may entirely trust your husband and he may do everything right in the situation and you can still end up with a crazy woman in the middle of your marriage/relationship.
You have no idea how you will feel until he goes on dates. Whatever mental preparation you do and however you think you will feel, you simply cannot know the reality of it until it actually happens.
If you do decide to explore your options, he cannot know how he will feel until you are on dates. Men are notoriously bad at accepting that their partner is with someone else. He may be banking on the fact that you aren't interested in dating others, but see #2.
There will be times when you are alone and he is with someone else and your hamster will start to spin, even if you trust him. You will compare yourself to the other women. How this plays out will depend on how much self confidence you have and how pretty/impressive/whatever the other women are.

Now a few other thoughts based on your post:

opening the relationship up so that we wouldn't feel like we're missing out

Has he been your only partner? In my experience, there isn't anything to miss out on. The trust and closeness that you build in a relationship makes sex much different (and better) than in a casual fling. All the same arguments apply here that apply to younger unmarried women who want to sleep with a bunch of guys before they settle down. Are there sex acts that you won't do with him? He shouldn't be missing out on anything other than numbers unless he has some kink that you won't indulge. You should be able to explore and grow your sex life within the marriage. You need to dig deeper on what you and he are actually "missing out" on. I think this is a stock response that hints at a deeper issue or concern for one or both of you.

I shouldn't worry because he would never stop loving me.

I believe him...now. I believe you...now. But what happens if the sex is better for either of you with the new partner? And what happens if he (or you) start to get the new relationship feelings from the new partner. These are things that take emotional maturity to navigate for both of you. Will you be ok when he's infatuated with a new girl? Will you sleep next to him and feel comfortable that he had sex with someone else that night? Do you trust him to carry his feelings for a new person and still attending to your emotional needs? To not let you feel less than her?

I wasn't always the best girlfriend. I was very demanding, controlling, entitled... you name it.

Just to say it: this does not mean he is entitled to an open relationship.

He says he would want to try it out.

It may not even be as easy as he thinks that it will be. This depends on your husband's SMV obvi - but you may open the relationship only to deal with his frustration that he's not getting any interest. How that plays out depends on his personality. I think that it's common for people to say "lets have a threesome" or "lets have an open relationship" and then think that a new partner will fall in their lap the next day. It's still dating and dating can still be a challenge. Also, remember that the time you lose with him isn't restricted to the time frame of the actual date. He (or you) will be spending a bit of time on Tinder (or whatever) actually finding women to date, then talking to make the connection, then continuing the communication to build to sex. This takes away bonding time for you guys and refocuses it onto someone else.

However, I want him to be happy and fulfilled in life

This is not enough of a reason to do this. You have to be truly ok with the emotional ramifications and even then it's a gamble.

I decided that having an extra person in my marriage was more trouble than it was a benefit. It certainly didn't destroy my marriage in any way and it was a chapter that we talked about and closed the door on. It also didn't make sex better between us the way that the polyamory community likes to promise. Your mileage may vary.

TradJenna · 2018-01-31T21:04:12+00:00

I respect that you’ve asked this question and it seems like you love him a lot.

My first marriage ended because my spouse wanted to open up our marriage. I said I’d think about it. He took that as a yes. A month later, when I said ‘no’ he was already sleeping with a woman. 4 months later, he left me for her.

It isn’t something I’d consider ever again. Foot down and a hard no. You’re gambling your marriage when you open up like that. If you don’t have parameters, it is a runaway train.

I don’t fall in love easy and I don’t find men attractive without a mental connection. I have boundaries and don’t go making friendships with men I’m attracted to. PERIOD. I love my (new) husband. Boundaries are so important, it’s everything.

Glasskick · 2018-01-31T23:34:10+00:00

People can open their relationship with completely sincere intentions to prioritize the primary partner and promise to always put their feelings above everyone else's and to immediately stop if they get uncomfortable, but unfortunately the intensity of new relationship energy varies a lot is very hard to predict beforehand or control after it has already been ignited. Fresh infatuation is typically among the strongest motivating emotions a human will ever experience - it's not overwhelming in every case or for every person, but why would you want to introduce the risk of such a force in your relationship when it's almost certainly going to pull him in the opposite direction from you?

I know some successful long-term open relationships, but they happen in a very different social context than what RPW would ever recommend, and one that generally doesn't value stuff like lifelong commitments through thick and thin. Also, everyone messes up their first open relationships until they get the hang of how to actually control the emotional intensity, look out for their partners, and stay honest and true to their commitments even when it gets a bit difficult. Most often the first attempt just ends up being a transition from one relationship to another. Even if you or your partner could eventually be happy in an open relationship, this particular relationship almost certainly would be reduced to a practice run, which would be very sad after a relationship of 10 years in which both parties are generally happy and satisfied.

Lucretia99 · 2018-02-01T03:41:17+00:00

In my experience, unless you began the relationship with non monogamy, opening it up will ruin it. But if you start open, the relationship is more honest from the beginning and you may end up monogamous anyway with the love of your life.

Source: my marriage was closed for 7 years, we opened and divorced after a year.

My current SO and I have been together over three years, started open and now we’re planning marriage and kids, monogamously.

Lady_Of_Nil_Repute · 2018-02-01T05:56:28+00:00

Speaking from experience, both my own and long, active involvement in the poly community.

One-sided open marriages are almost always a recipe for disaster. Your chance of success is staggeringly low. You also want to consider what open means to you as far as sexual and emotional involvement.

If he only wants ONS or pick-up play, he's going to spend a lot of time chasing it with lower chance of success. That means higher chance of frustration for him. If he wants a FWB or secondary partner, then that's a big change in relationship dynamics. Do the 3 of you hang out ever? How much time can he spend with her? Can she spend the night, and if so, which bed dues he sleep in?

He's likely to develop feelings for any FWB or certainly a secondary partner. If he's after ONS, then he's going to spend more time on the hunt - including potentially getting frustrated, sulky, etc. How will you feel about either of these?

What if the other woman/women are younger than you? Prettier? Thinner?

What about rules? Can he give/receive oral? Anal? Does he need to use barriers for vaginal and anal but not oral? Does he need to shower before coming home? Brush his teeth before kissing you?

Poly/open causes a TON of relationships to fail. This is in large part due to relationships that are already somewhat rocky trying to repair by opening up. This doesn't at all mean poly is bad. It's no better or worse than monogamy. But it's very, very different.

Now, if you want to experiment, first hire a sex worker for a threesome. You can go out, and like thousands of other newbie curious couples, try and attract a bisexual woman to come play, but you're likely to not be successful for a few reasons.

1) Bi women interested in joining an existing couple for no strings attached sex are so rare that they are nicknamed "unicorns," as in they are mythical creatures who don't exist

2) speaking as a former unicorn, we are so rare because we too often are treated like disposable fetish dispensers - a body to experiment with and expected to go away, with no regard for our pleasure or emotions. Entering into an existing couple means working within their relationship and all of it's existing nuances - including jealousy. And if all they want is a one time fling, or worse, the man has the stereotypical male wet dream of two women dying for his cock, then my chance of getting anything out of it besides being used and discarded is close to nil. This is extremely high risk with first time couples.

3) Sex workers know what they are getting into. They seek out with like this, they're amazing at what they do, and they are happy to focus on your pleasure. You don't need to worry about them. Have an amazing time, and process all of the emotions (and you especially, will have a ton) afterwards.

Whatever you do, move SLOW. Go to poly meetups. Read books like Opening Up and The Ethical Slut. Read the poly subreddit.

Be very aware of how dangerous this can be, and how amazing. Poly can open up a world of wonderful partners and amazing sex, but from one woman to another who never had any interest in being open but keeping my husband happy - 4 years later we got divorced.

I was poly myself for a while, but in retrospect it was too try and balance out him. To try and make it so it didn't hurt so much. I can't split my attention, devotion, and love. I got physically and emotionally sick during those awful years, although I constantly lied to myself about how happy poly made me. I have emotional baggage from it. It feels as if I am recovering from adultery at times, but truly, he didn't do poly nessecarily wrong! He is truly poly, and I am deeply not.

I'm now in a mono relationship, which a man who understands that while I can do shared play (foursomes, partner swaps) to an extent, we are far from truly open or poly.

NothingNowhere22 · 2018-02-01T12:12:44+00:00

Huge waste of time. I agree with some poster who said if sexual variety is really something that you and your partner would BOTH enjoy, hire a professional, there are many escorts who are discreet and very skillful, although not cheap.

One relationship is enough work by itself. There is more to life than trying to juggle delicate sexual tensions between multiple people within the bounds of your relationship.

You said you're not interested in JUST sex, which is perfectly natural. Well, obviously, he's a man, and HE IS interested in just sex. Also, as a man, if he's very masculine, he's probably plenty capable of having NSA sex and it meaning absolutely nothing to him, as he uses this or that woman as a living cum dumpster.

However, just because he's theoretically capable of that, doesn't mean that's what happens in all cases. It could happen that way, or he could become infatuated with someone, or start to enjoy her company more than yours.

Sex is almost always an emotional experience for women, but it CAN be for men too, and as we know emotions are extremely powerful and can be hard to predict. No matter your intentions, this could end very badly.

Finally, what you are discussing is the relationship being open for HIM, and not so much for you, which is in theory a very RP type of setup. Super attractive, masculine guy gets a hall pass with his super loyal and devoted partner. What a stud. And in some small number of cases, it can probably work....maybe. Certainly a better shot than if it's open for "both parties" but in reality only the woman can get laid. That's breakup/divorce territory 100% of the time.

But in my opinion it's still a risky proposition, and honestly your guy should probably have more respect for you to not continue to push for this if you are not interested in that sort of wild sex life. If your sex life is active and fulfilling, you shouldn't feel the need to give in to every demand. There is more to life than this shit.

To even CONSIDER this, you would have to go with more than "I trust him." You would have to trust him completely, absolutely, without even a shred of doubt, so fully and utterly that in your heart of hearts you know he could never and would never betray you. In short, you wouldn't even have to make this thread. The fact that you made it means you DO have some doubts. And it means you shouldn't go through with it.

FleetingWish · 2018-02-01T06:35:31+00:00

You probably know the answer to this better than we do. You've been in your relationship for 10 years. That's long enough to know how strong your relationship is, and what its strengths and weaknesses are.

What I would recommend is not doing anything like this to "fix" your relationship. You don't add a chaotic element to something that is already volatile. It will make your relationship worse.

However if your relationship is strong and capable of weathering any storm, then it can withstand a test like this. Even if things don't go as well as planned, the two of you, as a team, will be able to handle it. Your relationship will still be intact on the other side.

You know better than we do if your relationship can handle the extra pressure.

Whisper · 2018-02-02T00:02:24+00:00

One of the biggest issues with opening a relationship is that NSA sex is much easier to get for women than it is for men.

In most cases, this ends up amounting to the woman having a "hall pass" while the man effectively does not, because he is unable to offer what most women want as part of a sexual relationship... some kind of emotional involvement.

This blows up the relationship, because male jealousy is much more hardwired in than female jealousy.

I refuse to say "Don't go through with this", because the red pill is not one-size-fits-all. So let's look at why you want to do this:

And lately we've been talking about it as an actual option. He says he would want to try it out. I asked if this was a matter of him being unsatisfied or unhappy but he says it absolutely isn't and that I shouldn't worry because he would never stop loving me. I trust him, and I trust us as a couple.

I don't think I would personally want to take advantage of the open relationship. I'm not interested in just sex and I feel like actually dating another man while still being with him would make me very confused.

However, I want him to be happy and fulfilled in life.

It sounds like you are primarily interested in pleasing him, here.

If you really feel like you are willing and able to go there, there's no reason you have to sleep with other men to give him what he wants. If he wants a "hall pass", and you really feel both able, and freely willing, to give him one, then you can simply try that. Say, for a period of a few months to see if you can live like that.

This is a trade-off. Jealousy is very volatile stuff, and other women can bring in their own set of expectations and demands. However, men tend to be highly reciprocal creatures, and receiving that much trust from a woman tends to inspire a good deal of appreciation.

I've seen this work very well indeed, but you must start from a strong foundation.

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2018-02-02T15:16:13+00:00

I think there are very important factors that go into opening a relationship.

Will you be ok with him possibly enjoying sex with another woman more than sex with you?
Will you be ok with him dating sleeping with women who are prettier than you?
Do you want to know about him endeavors or not? Make that very clear.
Will you be ok with him taking women out to do things that he might have never taken you to do?
Will you or will you not sleep with other men? I’ve seen so many women say things like “you’re enough for me, I don’t need or want anyone else”, then change their mind and randomly fuck some guy. That is almost worse than cheating, because then the guy realizes something has changed, or assumes you were lying before. If you want to sleep with other men you need to tell him that. It sounds like you’ve already told him you wouldn’t though, so in that case you are stuck. He will feel terrible about it if you change your mind now. It would probably destroy your relationship if you slept with another man even after opening the relationship.
Will you be open to threesomes? It’s an inevitable question and will probably result in you watching him have sex with another woman. You need to know whether you can handle that or not.
Just how open do you want the relationship? Would you be ok with him dating other women and not having sex? Taking them on formal dates? Buying them presents? Late night phone calls? Constant texting? Do you want an actual open relationship, or just open for extra sexual partners?
Do you have anything that you would want to be just between you and him? Like no anal with other women, or no bj’s or something?
Are you prepared to deal with a sexually frustrated boyfriend that is unable to quench his sexual frustration with you? He will get frustrated. Being a man going for just sex is not easy. He will go through dry spells. Are you prepared to be dating and having sex with someone who is frustrated that other women will Not sleep with him?

It can work, but the only times I’ve really seen this work is when either the couple only has extra partners when they’re both present, or only the guy is allowed to sleep with other people. Otherwise it always seems to end poorly.

LateralThinker13 · 2018-01-31T22:29:35+00:00

There is an incredible level of potential drama, stress, and heartache involved in this. Unless you are both very mature, like top 10% of the populace mature, this could very well tear you apart. You two may consider each other your primaries, but when you add additional external personalities and time sinks... yeah.

Also, any insecurity you have, any flaws, any issues will get magnified once there's someone else to compare you to. Human minds can't help but do that. Unless you're at the top of your game, he very well might perceive that the grass is greener elsewhere, regardless of whether or not it is true. And it's hard not to wonder why "you aren't satisfying him" that he has to go wandering. And that doesn't even get into the issue of it's just extramarital sex, or if it's extramarital relationships. Which are two very, very different things.

I say all of this because I'm in a limited-open RP marriage with my wife, and it's taken some growing pains to adapt. But it works for us. So far. You may want to visit the polyamory communities to see the pitfalls and potential problems.

polakfury · 2018-02-01T03:16:45+00:00

Really stupid idea lol.

MrTrizzles · 2018-02-01T07:43:23+00:00

I have significant experience with these scenarios. A couple things stood out. First, you were both interested in and discussing this option from the very beginning of the relationship? That's curious. I wonder if you had the same opinion then as now.

Second, it bears mentioning that you do not owe penance for fairly innocently damaging the relationship early on. That weight you feel should not be placed on any scale.

Without looking I know the comments are rife with warnings so I'll go the other way: these relationships can succeed, many do. If the less interested partner can at least be indifferent, and their own needs are still being met, damage can be zero to none. Even beneficial. But if this decision is riiiiight on the line, bad sign.

WonderfulEnergy · 2018-02-01T20:39:29+00:00

I would demand a medical check up and absolute exclusivity in the 3rd person!

washington_breadstix · 2018-02-02T06:51:56+00:00

Since we got together so young we have always spoken about opening the relationship up so that we wouldn't feel like we're missing out.

What exactly do you think this means? In my opinion, when you marry someone and commit yourself to them, you ought to care so much for them that whatever you're "missing out on" pales in comparison to being with them and working to maintain what you have. It kinda sounds to me like your husband wants to have his cake and eat it too.

I mean, I'm not stupid and I'm aware that people in committed relationships will still find themselves attracted to people who are not their significant others. But if someone feels like he/she is "missing out" by not getting to fuck those other people, then maybe that person should re-evaluate whether or not he/she is really in the right relationship or would be better off single and back on the meat market.

Regardless of how early in life I found "the one," I'm not going to tolerate her saying to me "Honey, I want us to continue being a couple while I fuck other people and get away with it." Nope. If her craving for outside companionship outweighs her appreciation for me, then she can just break up with me. Then again, I'm a man (as well as a different person from you entirely) and so I may be naturally more possessive than you are.

Rivkariver · 2018-02-02T13:45:45+00:00

Bad idea. It’s a grass is greener thing. People in couples should be mature enough to realize there’s nothing out there that’s so important they can’t miss it, they are supposed to love the one they are with.

hedonismftw · 2018-02-02T16:46:50+00:00

I am currently in this situation, and think it's very doable. That being said, it might be because of our relationship dynamic.

Like others have said, there are lots of ground rules/questions you'll want to address first:

Is your SO interested in ONS or in actual relationships with others?

If he's relationship-oriented, how will he balance lovers? Will you always be his 'primary,' or is it possible you'd share him in a 'V' with another person? Would you want to have another person in your 'family,' so to speak. Also, what will he do to ensure you don't feel neglected (special date nights, giving you priority) ?

How open do you want to be in communication? Some couples get off talking about dates they've been on, others are uncomfortable discussing intimate relations involving others.

Keeping clean/healthy. You should insist on testing for any partners before sex.

How "open" will you be? Would you be embarrassed if friends/family found out? How can you make sure only the people that need to know do know.

I actually enjoy when my SO has dates/gfs, because I get to see him excited and happy. I can also get time to myself for my own personal projects. And, most importantly, he is incredibly grateful for my acceptance, and is even more affectionate with me because he feels so lucky and loved.

I could also seek outside relationships with his blessing, but honestly he's more than enough man for me.

PumpkinSub · 2018-02-02T20:54:20+00:00

Short answer is Yes. Long answer is Yeeeeeeessssssssssssssssss.

Real talk: A few others have already shared their experience that they once had the open relationship and now the are not in that relationship anymore. I think its a gamble that's not worth the payout or the risk. You are right on the confusion. If you think he won't get confused too you are fooling yourself. I was poly for about 5 years in my first relationship and knew a lot of poly people and now none of us are still together. Granted, it was better for me to have gotten out of that mess and I'm much happier now but if you have something good going don't mess with it. I know its a matter of personal preference and there will always be someone that says it works for them but I am warning you it will complicate, confuse, hurt, and stretch the limits of what you 2 have now. Proceed with caution if you must but be prepared for the worst.

Redpilledcf · 2018-02-01T00:52:58+00:00

I suggest you do some research and ask a group who specializes in polyamory.

Shy_KK_ · 2018-02-03T16:01:50+00:00

My husband use to fool around with other women, while I did not. The dynamics were horrible, and I could not handle watching the man that had once pledged his love to me with someone else. i would have panic attacks when he was spending the night with his FWB. I constantly felt like I wasnt enough, that the other women was prioritized over me. I became resentful and depressed because he would do things with them that he wouldnt with me. I lost my self-value when he told me that he would fantasize about having sex with them when with me (he never went all the way with anyone else), because I had always said that sex was what he was giving me over them, it was his proof of love, so when he said he fantasizes about them and wanted to, I felt like it was him saying that he wanted to give them the love that he was suppose to have for me.

Title	Open relationship, stupid idea?
Author	BlueberrySea
Upvotes	16
Comments	33
Date	January 31, 2018 7:45 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/7ucmn5/open_relationship_stupid_idea/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/open-relationship-stupid-idea.74179 https://theredarchive.com/post/74179

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