I met several high quality men through online dating and I wanted to share the wealth.

NB: I understand that there are some women who are not into online dating and that's okay because: this post isn't for you. For those that are looking to maximise their time, and make online dating work for them, this is how it's worked for me.

Quick MathsLet's say you want to be with the man of your dreams - the ultimate HVM. We'll assume you have a 10% acceptance rate for each of the stages in your relationship.

How many men do you have to be in serious relationships with in order to meet them? 8-10?

How many men do you have to be dating in order to narrow down to those 5-10? Around 100?

And how many men do you have to meet in order to narrow down based on attraction, smile, occupation, location, religion, culture, etc etc etc? 1000 at the very least.

I have been on about 200 first dates. Yes, really. I am incredibly picky, so I had to give myself a good volume to pick from.

Some Mindset Rules:

  • Judge a man by his actions and not his words or intentions/ potential. Does he invest time, effort, or money in to you (whichever is most valuable to him)? Then he's interested in you. Men rightly judge others by their actions, so doing this sets you up to win right off the bat.
  • Make it expensive to waste your time. I acted more impressed when the founder of a multi-million dollar startup took me out for a long lunch than when he got his assistant to organise gifts for me. His time was worth far more than his money, so it was a sign that he was interested, even if it might be flipped around for someone who was less well-to-do.
  • Ask and ye shall receive. Do not be afraid to state your standards/ values in the talking phase if they are deal breakers for you.

Your profile photosYour aim with your photos should be to inspire three *different questions. This means bathroom selfies are out, unless the bathroom is a geothermal pool.*Use pictures that look like who you are in real life. Don't bother using filters or creative lighting to create a false impression of yourself. Makeup is fine, light Facetune is not. This works for two reasons:

  • Your dates will actually be interested in you
  • You have established yourself as authentic. This will come in handy when you need him to give you the benefit of the doubt (like calling him by some other man's name by accident - whoops!)

Wardrobe: Wear white or solid bright colours.

Expression: Happy and fun for the most part. It doesn't matter whether your smile is mysterious, or if you have pictures where your in the middle of laughing at a very funny joke.

Communication: Make sure your pictures aren’t just about looking good. They need to tell your story.

Especially the controversial ones. If you are looking for someone that is outdoorsy, likes to travel and family oriented, make sure your photos show that you are about that life too. Photos of yourself in the club with a bodycon dress won't do.

Picture 1: a great head shot with eye contact (think of magazine covers)

Picture 2: travel/you doing something out of the ordinary (full body if possible)

Picture 3: you doing something normal that you love (eating, hanging with friends, painting, reading, rock climbing)

Picture 4: your choice (you with an animal, you at a wedding, a professional pic of you, etc.)

Picture 5: Your weed-out photo. If there is something that is an intrinsic part of you that is going to be a make-or-break for others, put it here to save yourself time. Are you an atheist that lives in the bible belt? Now is the time to whip out the picture of you with Richard Dawkins. Do you hunt? Get some pictures of you at the NRA, or in your hunting gear. You want to turn off the men that wouldn't have the same big hobbies/ values as you.After you have selected your photos ask yourself: Can someone come up with three questions per photo? If not, switch them out for photos that add context.

About me

This is a place to give someone a taste of you. This is not your biography, so keep it short (fewer than two hundred words). Your “about me” should be regarded as a conversation starter. Here are some rules of thumb:

Do

  • Make statements that invite people to start a discussion with you (I was born in Cali and know where to get the absolute best carnitas).
  • Invite people to ask a question (Ask me about my second photo . . .).
  • Show your favourite thing about your personality.

Do not

  • List your criteria (must be tall, university educated and love animals). This ironically attracts bitter attention from the men who don't match your standards. It would also attract the pretenders/narcs.
  • List your weed-out criteria (Looking for a hookup? Don’t waste my time!). First, sleazy people don’t read on dating apps so you’re wasting your time and second, when we tell people what we don’t want, we indicate what we’ve already put up with in the past.
  • Just put a link to your Instagram. It's a little lazy and invites the creeps.

Location Location Location

Don't be afraid to only swipe in wealthier neighbourhoods if that is what is important to you. If you're looking for a guy with a certain level of income, either only open the app during your lunch break (depending on where you work), or make a weekly trip to a café in the right neighbourhood for you.

His first message If his first message is curious and respectful, and not just a "hey" ( after all, you've put in all the effort to have conversation starter photos), then so far so good!

Pre-Date Screening

Try not to spend too much time communicating on the app (about 20 messages back and forth is enough), and move to the pre-screening.You can set one up through Zoom or Google Meet with a throwaway e-mail so that you don't have to give your number out. If he asks why you won't give your number, just say he's still in the probationary period/ you'd like to get a sense of him before you meet/ you want to make sure he's not a bot/ etc.

You want to judge the conversation based on how interested he is in making your conversation a fun experience for you. Does he try to make you laugh? Is he considerate? Does he recall certain things you mentioned on the app and bring it up? Is he prying?

While you're on the call, ask for a house tour, in a way that fits with the conversation.If you feel comfortable with the pre screen, you can accept a date. I won't go more into date etiquette as it's incredibly well covered on this subreddit.

Texting

You shouldn't have to message/text a man all the time, but when you do, bring good energy. If you're not inspired to bring good energy, then take it as a sign that you're not interested in him and move on. It's not that deep, and not every man you meet is going to be good for you.

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