Losing my mind

anonymous-bog-trotte · 2021-07-10T04:00:05+00:00

Hold on, guy. It was planned for you to be there to accompany your child to check on the pet, and you “conveniently” found some bullshit specifically left out in the open? Sounds like some calculated manipulation that now has your brain running overtime. Fuck that noise. Sure, talk to your therapist, but put a lid over the rabbit hole, enjoy your weekend, and stop letting her continue to fuck with your mind. Think about it man, she left a book out that she knew you would see, it got you all worked up, and now you are googling shit and worrying about whether you are a narcissist and beatinf yourself up. Brother, the marriage ended just like 50 percent of marriages end. You ain’t Jeffrey Dahmer. Get some sleep. You’ll feel much better about everything tomorrow and hopefully have a rested mind with a little more perspective. Hang in there. It will get better.

Mavik52 · 2021-07-10T03:25:40+00:00

Probably the most common indicator that one is not a narcissist is when a person becomes aware by either someone calling them a narcissist or an awareness through self discovery along with a sudden heightened concern that they may be one and were never even aware. The entire disorder is based on an identity and ego that is so fragile that they can't ever face it so they hide it by exhibiting extreme controlling, antisocial, and grandiose behavior. So a narcissist is incapable of self reflecting AND having a genuine worry that they may be one. The most common tactic of a narcissist is projection. Hiding in plain sight. The only thing more elusive than hiding something is actually putting the focus right on it and flipping the projector.

I had never even heard of half the terms associated with cluster b personality disorders until my ex started accusing me of the behaviors. My therapist slow walked me to the discovery by asking lots of questions. The moment it clicked that all of these behaviors were exactly what my ex was accusing me of but doing herself my therapist just sat there with the most devious grin and said "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. People with this disorder are capable of literally short circuiting your brain."

These terms I think get thrown around a little too much in my opinion. If you read enough divorce stories you would start to believe that a majority of women have it which is ridiculous. But it's on a spectrum and the projecting and circle talk were 100% accurate with my ex. Once you discover it exists, and there is a name for it, it literally can't be unseen. The behaviors slow down in real time and become glaringly obvious.

jacob_89_ · 2021-07-10T03:00:06+00:00

the best trait of a narcissist is to project onto you that you are the narcissist, my stbxw is the most stubborn narcissist ive yet to encounter and yet her problems are all my fault. you should read that book yourself my man and heal from her

pegleg_legal · 2021-07-10T06:53:55+00:00

Narcissism test:

List three things you should improve about yourself
List three people who are better than you in some way
List three times a problem of some sort was your fault

SethHTx · 2021-07-10T12:31:58+00:00

Ever person online going through a divorce: My Ex WaS a NaRcIsSiSt. Lots of people need labels and summaries to move on because we live in a short attention span culture. Once the dust settles from the shock of divorce, you will be able to look back with a clearer lens. You will begin to see where the relationship was great and where it could have been better. As long as you can see your own faults and work in those areas, you will be better for it. You already are taking the right steps by asking questions here and thinking through all possibilities from your viewpoint. Did she manipulate you with the book? Yes. But please don’t fall in to the same trap of pointless personality labeling. If someone asks you, so why did the marriage fail? Be honest and humble with them. Even if that answer right now is “I don’t know” instead of “he/she was a narcissist” It’s a bullshit answer to sound smart and place all the blame on the other person.

gorgeexplorer · 2021-07-10T04:19:20+00:00

Narcissism is all the rage lately in online psychology. I’ve been struggling with this same thing too and accused of being the narcissist. Therapist said the same thing too “I know you are not because your asking me if your are.” I started doing things my own way and trying new things and it clearly annoyed her. I dunno I struggle with this too because I sacrificed a lot for her and yet she said I tried to make her feel guilty for it. It sucks thinking I’m this label because if it’s true I must be a real asshole. And now all I can think about are the times I fucked up and that somehow it’s all my fault.

25_years · 2021-07-10T04:45:15+00:00

As someone that was married / divorced to one (read my post here if you want the absolute mind bending horrific shit I went through).., the underlying thing about real narcissists is they have no empathy. So role reversal here.., her finding this book you did would not do a damn thing to her / phase her one bit. You, on the other hand, are now having confusion, anxiety, a bit of anger / sadness etc., (all normal empathetic responses) to finding such book.

For reference, mine would start arguments right before bed (constantly) and over nothing. They call this, bouts of "crazy making" behavior. She would also immediately, and at will, interrupt me every single time I tried to talk in this argument she started.., this caused me to raise my voice.., eventually raising it so much that the ex finally couldn't interrupt me anymore. The entire point being, now the ex had something to blame me for (raising my voice) and could do her status quo while in an argument.., just walk away and give the silent treatment.

But here's the kicker.., within 3 minutes of this argument, she would be sound asleep for the entire night as if nothing happened. Meanwhile, I'm left confused, hurt, angry, clear full of anxiety etc., and my entire night is ruined.., no sleep at all, and miserable all the next day. That's exactly what these types of people do, and they do it on purpose. Because they don't have empathy and are incapable of true emotional human connections, the only way they feel something is taking a good person (why they latched onto you in the 1st place) and completely destroying them (draining their sanity, health, finances, etc.,) to make you the same level as the narcissist. Sadly, they get off on bringing people down. It's why a divorce with a narcissist is always an expensive endeavor and one just being done to hurt the other person in any which way possible.

If you think all those traits fit your ex.., by god man.., be thankful you are away from that person. They are EVIL personified. I never in all my years knew someone was capable of inflicting so much pain on another person until I was with my ex wife. I'm still in disbelief the person I married never even existed and I was simply a source of supply until she took absolutely every single thing from me. It's soul shattering.

You are clearly not narcissistic. Don't even begin to think like that. You are clearly having as normal of a reaction to seeing that book as anyone would seeing the same thing.

Bipolar_investor · 2021-07-10T07:10:21+00:00

Been there done that. I was diagnosed with narcism both covert and overt, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and another half dozen illnesses.... By my ex wife, that didn't have any medical degree. That cost me time and money to check on myself, for at the end to understand that it was a ride i was intended to take, to keep me from focusing on what she was "really" doing... Try to fuck me over. And she did. Fuck all those who diagnose others without having a degree.

akihonj · 2021-07-10T07:44:10+00:00

You asked if it's common that they project, yes is the simple answer

They are always the hero or victim of the story never the ones who caused the problem, they always have a Scape goat to blame and always have a blind spot when it comes to their own behaviour, motives and reasons for doing things they do.

Gaslighting is very common.

Now in truth in each of us regardless of who we are there is a little narcissistic behaviour, in fact it's essential, in times when exhausted say we put our needs first and sleep. When hungry same.

Narcissistic behaviour is that but 1000 times more, their needs are all that matters, they will damage anybody because people are toys to them, toys to be exploited to get what they want, very often they don't know why they want something.

The best way to handle this is to put the book back, leave a note inside the book stating that you showed this to your therapist and she said, while you do have issues you are not the narcissistic personality in the relationship.

Leave it t that, because nothing bothers a narcissistic person more than being called what they are, trust me on this, it burns deep into their mind.

oli_21_ · 2021-07-10T13:03:45+00:00

The best way to deal with a true narcissist is to walk in truth. I dealt(ing) with a covert narc for 20 years. She loved to talk about herself and work and troubleshoot. When it came my turn to troubleshoot problems with my work she would blame me.

The reason I bring this up is that a narcissist has no ability to empathize. They constantly disrespect and belittle and they truly don't understand what they are doing.

My covert narc cheated on me. In her mind she apologized and I should just get over it. What she didn't understand is that when you do something so grave that it's not that simple. That reconciliation is near impossible but when it's by someone that won't take responsibility or reflect upon themself it's not going to happen.

Once she told me....."you've had 4 years to get over me cheating"....and I responded.....maybe you are right but what have you done to help me? When have you ever said "what can I do to help you get over me cheating?" Silence. She has tried to play the victim to anyone that will listen to her. She doesn't get it.

Covert narcissists are the most evil vile snakes you'll ever meet. I believe they are possessed. They are cruel and petty and forever the victim.

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-07-10T13:18:12+00:00

> Is it common for narcissiists to project narcissism on their victims?

Yes. Narcissists are incapable of accountability or responsibility. Projection is what they do.

njfinfan · 2021-07-10T16:44:25+00:00

This post and responses are a real help. Me 47 wife 51 has been married 23 years all kids grown. We been having hard time for years now and been through counseling. I over heard her calling me a narcissist and another occasion saying I am gaslighting her. I was devastated after researching all the meanings and different stories. I called her on the bullshit at counseling and she got very defensive and how could listen to her private conversations. We never went back she said therapist was bad. Unfortunately I am still dealing with her and living at home. I need to get my shit together and leave tired of living like this.

mojothebarbarian · 2021-07-10T06:10:57+00:00

Been there, been called a narcissist. Mines actually playing my 14 y/o against me and just last week yelled at me and called me a narcissist too. Sometimes I think my stbx suffers from BPD with some narcissistic tendencies, actually I’m nearly certain of it but sometimes i think that’s just a lot women and how they act. A scorned woman does not think or act with logic or reason, they think and do with their emotion and that emotion ain’t pretty, and normally as petty as can be. It’s primitive, it’s instinctual, it’s ugly too. Think about it, they know they can’t beat you up physically so what else do they have except to try and beat you down psychologically and financially? Rest easy man. Do you love your kids? Then you don’t have NPD. Did you do selfish things from time to time? Sure we all do but that’s not narcissism. The idea that you even thought you might be one is contrary to the condition itself. Projecting, circle talk, gaslighting, weak self esteem, unstable moods, lack of accountability, depression are more symptoms of BPD. So could she have that? In the end who knows and who cares? It’s not yours to worry about anymore. And if she’s going through all that to upset you that means you are still in her head. You can simply just blow it off as a childish game of hers. And also I know it’s a lot easier to write that then to practice it.

thefudmaster · 2021-07-10T14:35:27+00:00

OP, she's gaslighting you. Keep the book and inform your attorney immediately. If her narcissism is bad enough to project onto you, then you may have a case for changing custody. However, this process usually takes years to establish and prove, so be patient.

I would simply move on from this petty show of concern/bashing you, and being the best parent you can be. Do not engage with the opposing party other than information about the kids. Also, do not argue with your STBX or badmouth her to your children. Finally, read Paul Elam's book "Say Goodbye to Crazy", which will help you build boundaries in dealing with your ex.

P.S. You should have simply left the book exactly where it was. Do this in the future with any other materials, and let your attorney know if your child saw this selfish display.

NoEntertainment3490 · 2021-07-10T14:58:47+00:00

To answer your question no you’re not a narcissist and yes this book was almost certainly left out for you to see and could be a projection of hers regarding her own behavior. There is also never in history been so much bullshit promotion and justification for women abandoning their family on social media and pop culture. These meme like motivational statements use current buzzwords like manipulation, toxic, narcissistic, emotionally abusive, financially abusive, regular abusive, gaslighting, emotionally unavailable, bla, bla,blah buuullllllshitttt….. this incredible amount of bullshit clogging the social media she and her friends are addicted to is used to justify their actions because hey if they’re unhappy it certainly has to be your fault. I mean look at all of the fun all those other people are having. Remember it’s ur fault brother she is a victim. These words are also regurgitated by her friends who are also unhappy with their lives and want to watch ur relationship to crumble and burn so they can watch ( crabs in bucket). Women have evolved specifically to be quite adept in psychological warfare. It’s their game. If she’s doing this you are winning. According to the DSM-5 Narcissistic Personality Disorder is incredibly rare., like less 1% in population occurrence. I’d bet that if we polled all the guys here on this sub we’d likely see that most of us have been diagnosed by our wives and their friends at some point, I venture to say at least a majority if not closer to 100%. In fact ur so narcissistic and abusive of a person that she wants you to show y’all’s baby girl how a narcissistic abuser acts. So ur whole life has been blown up at this point and you, a narcissist abuser are 1:1 with ur daughter taking her out to pet her cats to comfort her and help her in her anxiety and fear that children most certainly take with them from this experience. Wow what a selfish thing .Man are you a terrible horrible person…. They should write books about you pal 😏

austino7 · 2021-07-10T04:12:27+00:00

As a person who has been in a relationship BPD/ narcissistic person I can say yes projection is their bread and butter. Yeah this was probably left deliberately for you to find to cause a reaction which it did. This is why they do these things. It’s like their crack. They love any kind of intense emotion good or bad so if you confronted her on it in an angry way that would actually be what she wants. They love the attention.

The fact you’re in here questioning it is a pretty good indicator you’re not one. But definitely read up on it or watch some YouTube videos. Once you know how they operate and have some techniques for dealing with them you’ll be able to handle her more effectively and be able to recognize them in your every day life.

Imswim80 · 2021-07-10T15:30:41+00:00

Yes. Narcissists project. Mine definitely did.

JoeMarco · 2021-07-10T15:31:11+00:00

My ex did the same thing, she made read a book called why does he do that or something. As I was reading it I realized that she was the one who had done all the behaviors that were described in the book.

WartimeDad · 2021-07-10T21:07:29+00:00

Yeah this is how many women process. It’s a cultural thing maybe. It can’t possibly have anything to do with them, so she rewrites history and it’s all your fault. Do your best not to let her get in your head. As you said, she left that out intentionally, to get into your head. So, go live your best life and don’t worry about what she thinks about you. It’s honestly a sign that 1. Thank goodness you’re no longer with such a terrible person, and 2. She’s got mental issues and is not handling the split well. Hit the gym! Date some girls in your free time. Hang out with the dudes. If your mind drifts into thinking about her in ANY capacity, then reject that from the mind and replace it with something positive you enjoy.

rb5775 · 2021-07-11T12:31:32+00:00

There is nothing more vicious (and generally wrong) than a group of women around a breakroom table telling each other that they are blameless in life and everything is mens fault.

Title	Losing my mind
Author	throwawayqw123456
Upvotes	20
Comments	44
Date	July 10, 2021 2:56 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ohako1/losing_my_mind/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/losing-my-mind.816539 https://theredarchive.com/post/816539

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