Basic advice

NothingIsEverEnough · 2022-10-10T22:38:14+00:00

Lawyers can create hostility. Hostility leads to long and very costly proceedings. (Ours was way over $200k, but my ex is a complete psycho)

The best and most efficient divorce you can have is the one you and your spouse can agree to.

50/50 custody is the hill to die on.

Child support and spousal support depends on your state.

derelictherds · 2022-10-10T23:17:22+00:00

You're playing it smart by keeping things under wraps until you have your ducks in a row. Are you planning to discuss divorce with an attorney? If not, then that's your first mistake considering you make significantly more than your wife and have children with her.

Kwen_Oellogg · 2022-10-11T05:30:16+00:00

I'm sure you're getting a lot of advice about lawyers and stuff, so here is something else for you to consider.

Buy yourself a Voice Activated Recorder. Carry it with you at all times. Load the recordings to a cloud service.

If she ever starts getting hinky pull out your cell phone and start video recording. It doesn't matter if you are in a two-party state. The recording might not be admissible in court, but if she calls the cops on you the recording might be the only thing that keeps you out of jail.

After serving her set up a bedroom for yourself. Guest room or even the basement. If possible put a keyed lock on the door.

Buy some cheap cameras and set them up in your new bedroom. These from Amcrest are good. Make sure you buy some SD cards for them.

Good luck brother.

*adding hyperlink

nomdeprune · 2022-10-11T04:27:10+00:00

I’ll add something a bit different from what is already here: look after yourself, particularly your mental health. Running and playing guitar, helped me a lot. I spoke with a psychologist, and also with three very kind and generous friends. It’s been a tough few years but I can honestly say I’m stronger and wiser than I have ever been.

VegasPrude1971 · 2022-10-11T06:04:23+00:00

She's going to try and crush you. Trust and believe she's not going to be fair in any type of proceedings.

captainchippsixx · 2022-10-10T22:49:29+00:00

See a lawyer and get protected asap. Don’t drag ass.

Remember Most likely she has: - has an emotional affair going or more Or has friend who is lesbian /bi but they are just friends - which is bull shit. Check her phone you will see it all. Most women have a setup girlfriend / boy friend before they leave. They need the emotional support.

Your gut alarm should have been going off.

50/50 custody no child support. She is going to want child support and 50/50. Or she will pawn the kids off to you and use the money to play.

Call your family. Get the family to circle around you. Then call her family and assume they know. Broadcasting the news puts her on the defensive and she can’t spend time thinking about screwing you over and having you watch the kids while she is “out”.

Be a hard ass negotiator. Don’t just give her shit. Move some money into an account. Change your passwords.

Plan for the worst. You can always adjust if you feel it’s going to go amicable.

TweakerTheBarbarian · 2022-10-10T22:38:50+00:00

If you care about her as a person and you care about your kids, don’t surprise her with divorce. Good communication is key, explain why the marriage will no longer work for you. Maybe you can go your separate ways amicably. People change or come into who they are; relationships run their course. Don’t drag her and the kids through a hostile divorce if you don’t have to.

King_Cobra_666 · 2022-10-11T04:48:08+00:00

Get a good lawyer and file first.

in-ma-flippy-floppys · 2022-10-11T13:19:23+00:00

I agree and disagree with a lot here. I can’t say my advice is any better, but here goes:

Put the kids first - everything that happens now, they will hear about. So rise above. Of course there will be a time and place you will have to take the gloves off, but always hold integrity! As soon as you start discussions, have a plan in mind as to how you will manage schedules; pick up and drop off; school, bills… if you’re not in a no fault state, get a lawyer asap!

Did I say get a lawyer asap, cause this will save your ass! Do not tell her until she needs to know. Sort stuff, get information and assume the worst, but don’t say anything until you have to cause things change quickly when you do and it’s nice to have some of it planned.

Do tell your family about the divorce, but keep it classy and only share what they need to know! Understand that she and the kids will likely hear about everything you do, so again, integrity!

Document everything! Recording someone without telling them is not permissible in court, but if there are fights, it may not be a bad idea for you. I had to file a restraining order and am permitted to record everything.

Get a therapist! It will help you reflect, stay focused on yourself and your children. You will need to be there for them! You should also focus on you; alone time is healthy! It’ll take a while before it’s ok, like a year or two, but hobbies, good friends and lots of laughs are what you need!

Good luck! Stay strong, and always rise above and be a good role model for the kids!

Icy_Scratch7822 · 2022-10-11T15:44:46+00:00

I have a comnent regarding msny of the commemts here.

They are suggesting that your wife will be vindictive, mean and come after you hard. That she will be brutal during the divorce.

So, their suggestion is for you to be brutal, vindictive FIRST.

Remember you will have to coparent with this person for many years. You want the divorce to be as amicable as possible, for both of you, but especially for the kids.

She is likely in a confused state right now, just like you. So, use that. File first. Offer her a fair settlement. Tell her, after she is served that you want things to be amicable. There is no reason for all the family to lnow about the reasons. She likely wants that part to stay quiet for now, so it msy help you with getting more favorable terms. She likely is very confused sbout her future and at the same time dying to venture into this new life. Use that to ger favorable terms for you. For the divorce to be quick, less contentuous, less costly.

If things go the easy route, the divorce will go much better, and your kids will be much less traumstized during the divorce, and they will sdjust much better after while you two coparent without animous.

You start off with shaming her with her family, being brutal with the divorce, you will push her to fight back.

Start off amicable and only escalate if she does. Think of your kids' well being with all your actions, while you balance that eith your needs AND hers. Remember that your kids will need to healthy parents post divorce.

ChillaxBrosef · 2022-10-11T23:55:58+00:00

Oooof. I mean she probably knows its coming. I would work out beforehand as much as you can and find a paralegal service to do all the paperwork in your area. Clearly, theres likely some emotions to work out here first. Advice: try to stay level headed and keep emotions as far away from the process as possible. Sympathies man....gonna get better.

CaliDude75 · 2022-10-11T03:01:48+00:00

Wow. Such bitterness and toxicity in this thread! I always try to take the reasoned and rational route. Sometimes it’s not always possible or reciprocated.

I would definitely advise retaining counsel, however.

pk2at · 2022-10-10T22:43:57+00:00

Use kids as bargaining chip, tell her if she doesn't surrender assets, agree to no alimony and CS, you will ensure kids will grow up as spoiled bastards. If you are not ready to play this card, you will be screwed financially in feminist courts

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-10-11T01:35:48+00:00

Things you need to consider: http://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?t=13374

tyyyy110 · 2022-10-11T01:58:29+00:00

Is there evidence of infidelity? Any other issues?

Gattsama · 2022-10-11T04:07:08+00:00

Sent you a DM with some overview info. Things vary from state to state. But the summary statement is before you talk to her get all your ducks in a row. Once prepared and ready, then you talk to her.

The ideal would be you sit down, discuss everything, and then come to an agreement. Perhaps have mediation to help things and with filing final settlement paperwork.

Understand that in most states the laws are pretty clear and the final deal will be the same no matter what. But once attorneys get involved the cost goes up, but you get the same deal IF you fight for it (spend more money).

In my case we have no kids. I work, she doesn't, we have simple debts and assets. I said let's do mediation. She lawyer-ed up. We are down ~$400k in wealth so far (mostly because she refused to sell the house in May-June when the market was at its peak). Everything has been dragged out. She's got over $55k in legal fees and I'm at like $18k. And she will get the exact same deal as if she just agreed to everything back in Feb. Except now minus a ton of money.

And that's the key point to try to discuss with your STBX, we can work this out ourselves and keep a ton of money; or we can have the attorneys/court fight it out for the exact same deal and give them the money instead.

With that said, if she's not agreeable you have no choice but to spend the money. Because you will have to fight then.

Good luck

used2befast · 2022-10-11T14:00:45+00:00

Get her making more money. Maybe even getting health insurance for the kids. Implement austerity measures. Make sure she doesn't have access to too much if any saved cash to fight you with

4rdfun · 2022-10-11T16:26:37+00:00

Don't let her drag it out, the faster you move the sooner you can move on. You know your wife, but for me mediation was a joke and I just threw a bunch of money at my attorney to file motions to get things rolling. Meanwhile it's been 6mo, living with my parents she's dragging ass because why not have her cake and eat it too? and she refuses to seek employment, which is one of the motions being filed. Cake = she's acting as the primary parent, acting like she has sole possession of the house and has never seen a bill (cell phone, gas, insurance, mortgage, you name it and she just is totally unaware how to manage a household).

As another comment said, 50/50 custody is the hill to die on, and that is where my energy is going. If you move out fight to have the kids on school nights so the court sees you're capable. My STBX want's to marginalize me to what I call "weekend dad", we have totally different values and aside from wanting to be with my sons, I don't want her the primary parent as I feel they need my influence, point of view and experience how to navigate this world.

Best of luck.

occoptionplaya · 2022-10-11T18:38:51+00:00

Have your wife get a job before you file. You want to be able to show that she is useful and can generate income. The higher the better. It will reduce your alimony.

Fight for 50/50 custody. If that's what you want. I wouldn't give in on anything that is going to give you heartburn, especially your kids.

Buckle up. There's a chance you'll be spending a boatload on legal fees. My wife is also a psycho and I'm at 90k with no end in sight. Or divorce hasn't even really started. Its disgusting and disappointing. But it's worth it.

Title	Basic advice
Author	random00088
Upvotes	13
Comments	36
Date	October 10, 2022 10:31 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/y0s52a/basic_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/basic-advice.1134301 https://theredarchive.com/post/1134301

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