Counterpoint

Acceptable_Photo6956 · 2024-09-03T11:46:25+00:00

yes I take full responsibility for not wanting a threesome when I told her at the beginning of our relationship that I'm a one woman man. I am responsible for always putting her first and being who I said I was. i take full ownership for not being the bad guy when she started hanging out with male friends and not telling her "them or me". I don't regret being angry when she texted me. " just had a three way with guy and his girlfriend," wish you were here" when she knows that's not who I am. then wants me to meet said guy because somehow his opinion of me is supposed to matter. " he respects you and wants to meet you". he banged my wife. how much respect should I assume he has for me and why would I want to meet him?". but sure buddy. my actions drove her into the arms of another man, and another woman, and another man after that... and I was so horrible that she still wanted me to be a part of it.

Hairy-Spare8526 · 2024-09-02T21:14:57+00:00

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Gattsama · 2024-09-02T09:18:41+00:00

I take ZERO responsibility for the eX's action. She is a free individual, and her choices are her own. I do not control her. In order to take responsibility for something, you have to have authority over it. I had zero authority over her. Again, she's a free individual.

In my case, no cheating to the best of my knowledge, and I filed. Let me be clear, IF I had a drinking problem, yelled, worked late, was banging a coworker, a lair, and crashed the car; that still had NOTHING to do with being responsible for her choices.

I notice that when these arguments are brought up, they are only in the negative. She cheated = what did the man do wrong. She works hard and is a good mother, which never equals what did the man do that caused that, how did her husband 'make her' or 'force her' to be a good mother. No, it's only what did we do thar caused their bad behavior 🤔

Lots of people are unhappy. You deal with it or your terminate and then deal with it. Lying and cheating is a choice, and that choice is 100% on the lair and cheater.

If I could magically control the actions of the eX she would have been a happy, supportive, in shape, sex addict, that was actually appreciative of my hard work :)

Confident-Crawdad · 2024-09-02T05:39:16+00:00

It'd be so incredibly arrogant to take full responsibility for HER actions. She's got agency too, does she not? No mortal is the perfect, flawless spouse. It's not a thing.

Assuming all responsibility and setting yourself up to *have to be* the perfect spouse is a recipe for failure and anguish.

Not only for yourself, but for whoever you end up dating afterwards.

Allow yourself to be a mortal, flawed human being and accept that she's going to be one, too.

MonarchistExtreme · 2024-09-02T02:07:39+00:00

I never cheated or hit her or tried to control her. She had a tendency to start a lot of projects and then walk away from them. After 10 years of that, I admit I treated her new interests with indifference and I know it hurt her. She was always finding a new cause to be a zealot over and as she got more ridiculous the less I engaged with her. I don't think it justified her cheating on me and she never showed any interest in the things I was interested in. I thought staying in my lane was best but to her I was this cruel man who always doubted her.

I never doubted her....she's quite capable...just doubted her commitment. Her cheating was probably the kindest thing she ever did for me. She made me miserable but my honor code made me endure it. Cheating was what finally drew a line under it all

wroubelek · 2024-09-01T21:00:44+00:00

This is a very weird mishmash of a personal story purporting to show some Deep Truths about this community.

I cheated on my wife 20 years ago and then with porn. It doesn’t seem like she ever got over that, even though we worked past that (I thought). I’ve been a great dad and a pretty good husband, but of course she finds fault in everything. That’s the wife’s job—to refine the husband.

No, it's not the wife's job to find fault with everything.

I'm glad you're willing to take responsibility. Have you communicated that to your wife openly? Like, "look, I'm willing to take blame for my things, are you ready for taking blame for your things too"? Has that helped?

stupididiot78 · 2024-09-01T17:49:56+00:00

Cheating is never justified. If you're in a bad relationship, end it and then go start looking for a new person. Cheating has nothing to do with the person you're with. It's about having self-control and being a decent person. Carrying on an affair is even worse than a one-time mistake, too. An affair is a series of conscious decisions and actions mad3 for purely selfish reasons. The people who do that are wholly deserving of whatever bad things come their way because of their actions.

pk2at · 2024-09-01T17:13:52+00:00

Most of the factors women initiate divorce for like feeling insecure, incomplete, stressed, better deal etc. are beyond the control of modern men. Cheating alone is rarely a factor. I can say with certainty, most divorces these days have absolutely nothing to do with the man

ImportantRecipe3087 · 2024-09-01T15:53:08+00:00

I’ve come to the conclusion that whether we like it or not, it’s ultimately the man’s sole responsibility for keeping a woman interested in the relationship and therefore someone we would want to be in a relationship with. When we fail to do what it takes, eventually the relationship will die and then some women and some men will cheat, some will just walk, and others will stay in unhappy relationships because of the fear of the unknown.

rsmiley77 · 2024-09-01T15:31:36+00:00

This is a great question that people who have never gone through a divorce often ask or silently think about. The short answer is ‘it doesn’t have to be anything at all’. The long answer is extremely complex…

First of all I was like the OP before I went through my divorce. Always assumed it was something the man did. No matter what. Never gave it much thought. Why would I have. I was never around any man who had gone through divorce. Never talked to anyone going through divorce. And often times the man wouldn’t talk about it even if they could. We are men we don’t talk about stuff like that right?

Then it happened to me. I’m embarrassed to say that yes before it happened to me I didn’t have empathy for others going through the same thing that I was then going through. Then at the gym of all places someone heard me talking with my divorce attorney. We are now good friends and we talked and found out we were going through the same thing. I then reached out to other friends and acquaintances that I knew had also gone through the process. I found that surprisingly no matter what are situations were very similar…

So here’s what I learned. Guys can easily admit the ‘hey I was not perfect’. In most cases it would not have mattered though. The fault in the OPs logic is this. Women aren’t leaving guys because of what the guy did or didn’t do. Women are leaving because they feel their own mortality. They see where they are in their lives and aren’t happy with that. They want to be that woman out and about with cool friends and great drinks in hand every night. Hard to afford that lifestyle when you have kids though.

When you think about it guys should be more than happy to move on and get a divorce. Men’s second wives are on average just over 9 years younger than they are. Often times they’re more successful too. Pew research

What do women get? Well immediate freedom. Quick attention. I’m not a woman so I am not sure after that what they feel or how fulfilled they are. I can’t imagine my ex is feeling more fulfilled than I am after the divorce though. To circle back to your question… I know I was an amazing husband and dad. If she hasn’t figured it out that she will never have a person like me, she will at some point. When women leave their marriages there’s a lot of things they say they don’t need us for anymore. They don’t need us as their excuse of a failed marriage.

I’ll add the real losers in this are the kids. I hope my exes two years of getting new dick and new pussy along with her new extracurriculars that she left the family for was worth it.

HerbEverstanks · 2024-09-01T15:23:09+00:00

If it was her fault, we were the ones that let it go to that point by agreeing to marry her. We were the "AFC", according to some required reading.

Medical_Number8972 · 2024-09-01T14:45:40+00:00

The American Sociology Association provides evidence that out of all divorces 80% of all divorces that are requested/started by women that have a college degree vs. only 60% of all divorces are requested by a woman who has only a high school degree or less. You go girl!

So you see,only 20% to 40% of all divorces are requested by men.

SpiritedPeace4062 · 2024-09-01T14:08:01+00:00

Anger issues, lying, couldn't open up to her. Didn't treat her well Eventually she left. My fault

MsunuKany0k0 · 2024-09-01T14:01:03+00:00

I have similar story with porn and essentially an emotional affair 10 years ago; I take responsibility for causing her pain and killing the trust. I finally found a way to get past my addiction and have been getting help through therapy and 12 steps but she gave up on me by that time and she had every right to. I tried to accept and support her during our marriage and that part isn’t as important anymore. I more than take the majority of the responsibility of the marriage failing but she had a part to play and it’s about me accepting that also. I’m not sure she will ever accept she had a part to play but that’s on her not me.

I accept responsibility and I forgive myself. She doesn’t have to and may never

stillanoobummkay · 2024-09-01T13:58:48+00:00

Not divorced but definitely getting there. There are some things that are definitely my fault. I had a really bad behaviour pattern of avoiding unpleasant tasks that then build up and become a larger issue, like for example, I do a lot of home repairs/minor renos and at the end of the day I’m pretty tired and don’t put everyone away 100% (sometimes it’s fatigue other times it’s the kids interrupting me and pulling me away).

This leads to messy garage while leads to conflict which leads to me saying things like “it’s not that messy” “you’re over reacting” etc which just makes things worse.

So that’s on me.

That’s not all the problems but a part of them for sure. Is that what you are looking for?

Title	Counterpoint
Author	Slippedbonds
Upvotes	0
Comments	41
Date	September 1, 2024 1:43 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1f6er9p/counterpoint/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/counterpoint.1529074 https://theredarchive.com/post/1529074

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