Guilt is holding me back

bizbunch · 2024-10-10T16:23:28+00:00

My marriage counselor gave me warnings and said things like "do you think she is capable of real empathy" that I should have taken as warnings.

She eventually had an affair and destroyed our lives so I would argue getting out before that is better for everyone.

Exactly65536 · 2024-10-10T12:34:16+00:00

Before you decide to end it, I recommend to stop worrying about eggshells. Walk as you would, see what happens. Brutal honesty is sometimes healing.

Your fears about dimished access to kids are well justified. You divorce - you'll see them less, and they'll see you less.

r3tude · 2024-10-10T12:20:53+00:00

My wife left me, but for nearly 2 years following I wished I'd tried harder as it's hard having your kids not with you all the time and you really miss the days they aren't waking you up in the morning. I spent months thinking I'd be better as a family.

Now I realize I'm happier, my daughter is happier seeing her parents happy and it was all for the best.

My daughter is 9 now she went through "I wish you and mummy were back together" and she's currently seeing a child therapist due to wanting to talk about the divorce where someone isnt trying to to Garner favour or fix things. I also admit our behavior As parents hasnt entirely been amicable either.

But it's not worth sticking to something that's bringing you down when there's no effort to fix things.

You could always do a trial separation see if you start to miss each other and want to work on things

ThrowawaySunnyLane · 2024-10-10T12:19:42+00:00

The fact a professional is stating that she is the issue should say all that needs to be said. Children should not be the reason an (unhappy) marriage stays together. The kids pick up on your unhappiness, and you deserve to be happy.

This is what family court is for. Fight for your kids and your happiness.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-10-10T02:52:19+00:00

It's fine for guilt to hold you back so long as guilt doesn't push you entering into an unfair or bad deal. No matter how bad you feel about anything, you don't deserve financial ruin or estranged children.

dckincite · 2024-10-10T00:28:06+00:00

I’ve been in a similar situation. Not as intense as you describe your wife’s behavior. I was doing everything and many things weren’t really necessary. Take a look at the term over functioning. It was really enlightening for me. My wife said that it made so much sense and we were married for a very long time. We are divorcing right now. But my over functioning caused her to under function which manifested as depression and insecurity. it may not apply to you, but just take a look. Like your wife, my wife refuses to take any ownership for her behaviors, and there is a lack of any willingness to do counseling again when there is no collaboration there is really no emotional connection. Thus the divorce. Good luck.

Beneficial-Rip-8 · 2024-10-09T21:54:58+00:00

I want to thank everyone for the support and input. I have a lot to consider.

SaltSpecialistSalt · 2024-10-09T20:35:07+00:00

Being at home is like walking on egg shells

a place where you feel like walking on egg shells is not a "home" bro. My guess is you embraced "happy wife, happy life" trash and tried to make her happy by whatever you can do while she kept pushing the goal post further and further until you cannot keep up anymore. read no more mr nice guy by robert glover. at this point if she does not fear loosing you nothing will change her behavior. mentally prepare for the divorce, start going to the gym, buy new clothes, start socializing and talk to a lawyer without telling her to prepare for the worst. if she fears loosing you and the family there might be still hope. if she doesnt she already left. divorce is not the end of the world

stent00 · 2024-10-09T19:14:37+00:00

Walking on.egg shells takes years off your life man.... once you are by your self again without the constant stress you will feel much better but it's a process and it takes time.

This_Train340i · 2024-10-09T18:58:58+00:00

"Being at home is like walking on egg shells and i never know if what i say or do will set her off"

You'd be better off living in a van by the river.

Heavy_Guitar_4848 · 2024-10-09T18:51:17+00:00

Was in same boat for years. She cheated and made decision a lot easier. Felt dumb for waiting so long after I finally pulled the bandaid off. As far as the kids go, I find I’m a more present parent on the days I have them. Days without them are freedom days to do as I please. My advice is you’ll only dig the hole deeper the longer you stay.

Any-Div-6055 · 2024-10-09T18:37:38+00:00

You don't mention your age. There's a saying, divorce over 50 is financial suicide. I personally believe mending relationships is easier than mending financial security. But not everyone shares this view. My ex-wife certainly doesn't.

My only advice is to make sure you really understand what divorce does in terms of spousal support, child support, and retirement.

My ex and I saw a few counselors looking for one that we both liked. We levitated towards whoever supported our different perspectives. In hindsight, we really needed one that would teach us how to argue constructively. I'm not sure hiring a referee ever works. If any of this resonates, therapy might be worth another shot.

BanjoKfan64 · 2024-10-09T18:31:41+00:00

As someone who got Divorced without Kids, if the counselor can't get through to her then I think there's no solution. Obviously I would never advocate for Divorce...My Divorce broke me, my Wife wanted it after the counselor we were seeing called her out (I still see that counselor myself for individual and she thinks that my Ex just could not accept that I was not a Yes man and would stick up for myself)...Now It was not all her fault. I def played a part and was wrong at times and just not my best self. The walking on egg shells is demoralizing, and if you don't feel loved then that is going to eat you up inside.

I would just to make sure, do everything you can to fix the marriage, put your ego aside and really try...And if you can't then at least you can tell yourself you did all you could.

OkEmphasis5923 · 2024-10-09T18:30:07+00:00

I can help you bro. I was exactly where you're at, in an even worse situation actually. After some trial and error, I figured out what works and now the shoe is on the other foot. Hit the gym hard, change your warddrobe, buy some new cologne, become an amazing father to your kids, get to a point where other women take notice of you. And here's the most important piece of advice, start acting and living as though you don't need your wife. Cook meals for you and your kids and enough for anyone else that's hungry, including your wife. Do all the things she can do, like literally everything. Get to a point where she feels you will be fine without her.

Do all this and not only will you not be walking on eggshells anymore, she will feel lucky to be married to you.

Glittering-Spell-446 · 2024-10-09T18:26:20+00:00

Same thing here the idea of not seeing my kid is holding me back from divorcing my wife

tonymalon · 2024-10-09T18:21:49+00:00

I'm on the same spot except that my wife is pregnant of our first child. However, you should never stay in a relationship just for the kids. That's what I've been told, but is hard to swallow.

Title	Guilt is holding me back
Author	Beneficial-Rip-8
Upvotes	21
Comments	33
Date	October 9, 2024 5:38 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1fzx8sv/guilt_is_holding_me_back/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/guilt-is-holding-me-back.1532534 https://theredarchive.com/post/1532534

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