How to cope with divorce and regrets.

guy_n_cognito_tu · 2022-09-17T18:26:15+00:00

Stop. Just stop. You want a woman back that told lies about you and used the courts to try to ruin your life and your reputation? She showed her true character.

Stop trying to contact her. Block her from your socials. Stop keeping up with her life. Get yourself some therapy to get over the grief.

sicrm · 2022-09-17T19:14:32+00:00

if you’re the guy she wants, you’re her family.

it doesn’t matter what anyone says, she’ll put you above everyone besides maybe your children.

if you’re not, then she’ll listen to anything her friends/family say and create a narrative around you.

you have plenty of time to build yourself back up and get another home or move somewhere else down the road. focus on making new goals and plans and you’ll think less about the past.

orwegoagain · 2022-09-17T19:37:29+00:00

So much this. I feel like I could have written exactly this myself. You're not alone. She made terrible accusations about me and we responded in kind except with proof as you did. Somehow I don't seem to focus on those terrible glimpses of her true self and idolize a fictional version of the 12 years we spent together. I'm 2 years out now and can tell you it doesn't go away. But I am finding out I am a different person than I was 12 years ago. I'm finally finding the joy in discovering the new, older version of me and it's not so bad. In fact, I think I'm actually starting to enjoy it. Good luck on your journey. Message me any time. Our stories are unfortunately similar.

NewDay0110 · 2022-09-18T02:33:11+00:00

You have oneitis. She's not the person you idealize her to be.

One thing about these divorces that is really awful is that the woman usually leaves with a ton of support from friends and family. That makes it so easy for her. The man has nobody. Nobody cares about him!

Seemedlikefun · 2022-09-18T01:04:28+00:00

She had checked out of the marriage long before she ever said anything to you about divorce. Stop focusing on her fake fairytale Facebook life. Focus on creating the future you want and deserve. Guess what? It doesn't include the person that lied, tried to ruin your life and take your kids from you. Why would you want that shit back in your life. Get into the gym and get into individual therapy ASAP. You've got this!

No_Zone_911 · 2022-09-17T20:24:51+00:00

Set boundaries for yourself. Stop being lame and sending messages on your app. You don't actually need to contact her.

Get back on the horse with your day to day activities as soon as possible. Act differently to create a different outcome.

Accept the reality that she's gone and never coming back. With time, you will begin to realize that it's for the best.

It will get easier.

xadmin1 · 2022-09-18T00:25:50+00:00

You want somebody who makes false allegations back? Where is your self respect?

rsa1x · 2022-09-18T00:29:12+00:00

Dude, she threw false allegations at you, that is a clear point of no return. It is over, move on! She will destroy your life if you get back together. Trust me, it will pass

BurgerManV · 2022-09-18T00:40:21+00:00

Part of divorce is grief. Your marriage with this woman is dead. You need to process that. I would recommend The Grief Recovery Handbook and preferably a therapist that works with that book.

EnvironmentOdd7640 · 2022-09-18T01:03:23+00:00

I'm not saying you should get back with her but to answer your question she defiantly doesn't want thus version of you, make yourself a priority bro by the time you get your confidence back, your pride, and dignity most likely you won't want her back it seems to me divorce is easier for women in the beginning but better for men in the long run, listen to this.....women decrease in value as they age, men generally increase in value as they age adopt the mindset of increasing your value.....money,fitness, and fatherhood, good luck.

TaylorAndreson · 2022-09-17T21:21:32+00:00

I'm in a similar situation except nothing legal has happened yet, no paperwork filed or whatever. The marriage was ending since it started and after 7 years we go in an argument and I left so things wouldn't escalate further. She's now with my buddy who I had living with me in the basement but that's besides the point.

Sure you missed the life you led because it was or seemed exponentially better than then the life you're now. You miss your home, the routine, the security of having your future in place, etc.

The question I've had to ask my self is this... do you actually miss HER? Separate everything about the life you got together from her as an individual and honestly ask yourself that.

Objective-Apple-7830 · 2022-09-17T23:14:07+00:00

I empathise with you , as I have been there. Sometimes there is that little in you that wishes that things will have worked out. No one goes marrying and wishing a divorce. But for me all I had to do was to remember the hurtful things said to me ,gas lightening and manipulation - that feeling for longing goes away.

Strange_Ruin_4858 · 2022-09-18T00:11:36+00:00

She is not the same person you marry. She has morphed into a new person who you may not understand. Move on!

Brass_Bonanza · 2022-09-18T00:14:57+00:00

Codependents Anonymous.

King_Cobra_666 · 2022-09-18T02:29:03+00:00

go find a new chick

Wassp868 · 2022-09-17T21:44:29+00:00

Don't regret, know its for the best. Who's best... Yours...

Spodee5 · 2022-09-18T05:59:31+00:00

Damn with the headline thought this was gonna be how to live with things ordered in the divorce that you didn’t agree to not wanting a lying ex back

rhpeterson72 · 2022-09-18T13:31:29+00:00

"Now I feel weak and want her back."

That's not weakness, and I can explain why it's not. I'm a counselor and run into this all the time.

So many of us as men are told to be nice and tame and accommodating. Not necessarily bad traits but nor do they engender respect from our women.

The less we are respected, the more the strain on the relationship and the harder we try to save it. The harder we try to save it, the more we sacrifice for it.

What we often don't realize is that that sacrifice represents huge investment in the relationship, which in turn fuels strong attachment to it. So the depth of attachment isn't necessarily a sign of a good or healthy relationship; instead, it can merely reflect how much we've given to it.

In a healthy relationship we give OF ourselves because we know our love will be reciprocated. But too often we give UP ourselves; this always collapses under its own weight.

Hope that helps. Hang in there brother. The breakup is hard, but you're not weak for wanting it back; you're human. Embrace your humanity; at least you didn't surrender that.

beeblebrox1295 · 2022-09-18T13:44:42+00:00

Hey man, first off so sorry about this. Divorce is the fucking worst. I’m 26 about to be 27 and my wife left me about a year ago. She left saying she needed space and that she wanted both of us to start therapy. The plan was after a month she would come home and we would start marriage counseling together. This was last December. She flew to Seattle to be with fam (we lived on the east coast) and started seeing a therapist out there. I did the same back at home. I was only allowed to email her twice a week during this separation. We were supposed to meet up for Christmas but her my sister-in-law texted me on Christmas Eve and said she was canceling. Flash forward a month and I get a letter in the mail saying she is filing for a divorce. Her and her brother flew back and got all of her things (she told me to vacate the apartment for an evening while they got her stuff) and I haven’t seen or spoken to her since. Bottom line? Both my wife and yours made decisions. Whatever their reasoning was, they wanted out of the marriage. Doesn’t matter what I want, doesn’t matter what you want. Our wives quit. But guess what my man? We’ve both got lives to live. You had a life before her and you’ll have a life after her. Sounds like her family hated you - my ex’s family hated me too. But guess what? Now you never have to deal with their shit again. You’re your own man. You can do what you want, when you want, without her or her family saying shit. And you know what else? There’s tons of women out there. Tons of them. You’ll find someone better someday. Focus on yourself, do the shit you wanna do, hit the gym and get jacked, find the stuff you love but never had time for when you were married. The feelings suck. I know you miss her. But brother she quit on you. So good fucking riddance.

No-Exit6560 · 2022-09-18T13:52:47+00:00

You’re not going to win her back.

Frankly, you shouldn’t want to; divorce is never easy but you are now better off in this situation.

This woman, according to you used false information to file a TRO, she is not your wife anymore, she is not your friend anymore; she is a coparent and that is all.

You are embarking on a new chapter in life, and it is up to you as to how it will be written.

This is your life now, you only have one.

Make it count.

cleats4u · 2022-09-18T15:27:43+00:00

[ Removed by Reddit ]

LonelyNC123 · 2022-09-18T15:51:11+00:00

Friend - life only goes forward, never backwards. You won't get her back and you don't want her back. My advice - starting building your new life and let go of the past life 'cause it is gone forever.

warrior_up · 2022-09-18T15:51:51+00:00

It never really goes away, coping comes with time, acceptance and when you’ve moved on. If you’re a normal human with emotions you’ll always have those types of what if feelings toward her, especially if you share kids

Divorce is crazy man, for me total mind fuck - tearing apart families, stealing away fathers from raising their own kids, really sad to watch so many people throw away the one constant and only true source of life’s happiness, family - because of egos, and and a mindset that it wasn’t salvageable.

These women have no boundaries any more, the disrespect and vindictive behavior, shame and agony she forced you into will also always be apart of you.

My ex and her mom are literally the only two people in my life that hold ill or revengeful emotions towards me, everyone else tells me I’m doing a great job, good father and person in general. The attitude towards me is like dealing with children after a while - baby games and you can’t pay any attention otherwise they’ll pull you into their world of misery - which is exactly the kinda thing they love to do to people

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2022-09-19T01:27:13+00:00

What you're not realizing is she was done with the marriage YEARS ago and it's just hitting you. That's why it appears she's having fun/nothing happened, because she had checked out minimum 1-2 years before she made it official. So that's how long it will take you.

MOVE ON. It's over. You're in love with the old her, not the new one. As far as you're concerned, the person you married no longer exists on this planet.

Jbr74 · 2022-09-23T14:13:16+00:00

Yeah my regrets weigh on me everyday of my life.

Like:

Why did I ask her to marry me?

Why didn't I leave after she cheated the first time?

Why couldn't I see how much of a narcissist she was?

Why did I think my life was better with her?

Yes, these regrets haunt me daily.

Title	How to cope with divorce and regrets.
Author	LumpOfInnocence
Upvotes	21
Comments	54
Date	September 17, 2022 6:02 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/xgta89/how_to_cope_with_divorce_and_regrets/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-to-cope-with-divorce-and-regrets.1132678 https://theredarchive.com/post/1132678

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