It just happened

Notreallyme7628 · 2023-06-22T18:19:29+00:00

I’m 1.5 months into this terrible situation myself. I don’t have any pearls of wisdom to offer outside of the usual ones you’ll read about, but take solace in knowing that you are one one of many men who are going through the same sort of hell right now. And although that fact itself is very sad, I for one take comfort in knowing that I’m not alone in this pain.

Classic_Dill · 2023-06-22T19:15:54+00:00

You're going to move on and be a much better person because of it, let the trauma do its thing and let it teach you about relationships, youll meet someone new eventually, but remember, guys have a much more difficult time dating, dont feel bad if it takes time to meet someone, I'm on year 2.5 and dont have a girlfriend, i almost did though, she was awesome! but..she wanted an open relationship, so i told her to hit the bricks. FYI women heal from a break up quicker the men, we take it much harder, remember to eat, stay hydrated and DON'T hurt yourself my Brother!

ww3historian · 2023-06-22T19:07:46+00:00

Read up the 5 stages of grief. They will all happen. Not necessarily in order. Not necessarily at their own separate times. But they will all come. And you will reach acceptance and you'll meet someone else and all will be good.

Lumpy_Taters · 2023-06-22T21:24:53+00:00

I am truly sorry you are going though this man. I'm a little over 8 months out myself (2 months since the divorce was final) and let me say that the whole ordeal was the single hardest thing I've ever been through. I lost my house and everything in it because she decided she just wasn't "happy" anymore. That's a conversation I will remember for a long time. The whole process is difficult in so many ways. I know you said that you didn't have anyone, and as lonely as you're feeling right now, and even if it's not worth much, you're not going through it by yourself. I was lucky enough to have a solid support network of family and friends to lean on as support through the worst of it, without that I don't know what I would have done. Right now everything is extremely fresh, and I'm not going to lie to you, this is going to be difficult. It may be tempting to drink to escape, and yes, there may be time for that, but please, don't loose yourself to it. It's extremely easy to do. It's what I did for the first 2 months. Luckily I was able to pull back from that edge. If you don't have any family/friends you can easily contact/spend time with to talk to, you may consider therapy or support groups. I personally found that having someone to talk to about everything was extremely helpful in dealing with how I was feeling and thinking.
Like others have said now is the time to work on yourself. Find something to distract yourself, hobbies you never had time for before, exercise, getting a pet if you don't already have one... that loneliness is hard to combat. I don't have any great advice that hasn't already been said. I know when I was in that place mentally, I fucking hated hearing people telling me that it was going to get better, that it was going to be alright one day. I just wanted someone to give me a date that I would be better by (even though I knew that was impossible). But if I could tell my past self something now, I would say that you really have to trust that it will get better, that it's only temporary. Others have been through this and came out the other side, maybe with new scars, but they made it out. I encourage you to use this time as a learning experience, I'm not saying rush out and start a new relationship (unless that's what you want) but, use it for self reflection. What do you want out of life? What do you want in a partner? Is there anything that are dealbreakers for you now? Were there any red flags early on that you ignored because you were in love? For me, at the beginning, it was a lot of "what could I of done differntly". No one is perfect, and I know I had my own things that I continue to work on. I wish nothing but the best for you in this difficult time, and it will get better, even if it doesn't seem like it right now.

xosto · 2023-06-22T20:32:21+00:00

I would have someone to talk to about this actually have multiple people to talk to about what you're going through because at the very beginning I kept it all to myself and went to Reddit to post a few things and I got all kinds of really good advice and bad advice at the same time and I didn't know what was good and what was bad.

There are a ton of books on the topic of divorce especially written for men and what I find really helpful in these cases is to read those books and also join online communities that are paid communities because it elevates the dialogue and keeps things positive and moving forward.

Like I joined a community called mentoring Men and I found that to be very helpful In my separation and divorce process.

I think everyone goes through this process because the separation and divorce is very much like losing somebody who is very dear to you even if there were things about that relationship that you couldn't stand it's still a loss that you experience and it can be a profound amount of pain that you naturally cannot experience all at once and so your body shuts down a little bit and only lets as much as you can allow in but every day is going to bring a different experience for you.

There's a lot of advice that relates to things that can help you and help distract you from your feelings and help you process those feelings and it's all good stuff you just have to realize are you distracting yourself in the moment because you need the distraction or are you processing what you're feeling are you experiencing it.

Like one of the things that you have to do absolutely I agree with this 100% is to take care of your physical health and by doing that you will be better mentally to handle the mental pressures you're dealing with and so a lot of guys hit the gym especially weight lifting has been proven to help men with a range of things from dealing with stress to raising testosterone levels If you're not in a weight lifting program right now I would strongly suggest you get on some type of program it's just going to do wonders for you as a foundational thing.

Also I would strongly recommend you just get outside and walk and I've been doing that while processing my thoughts and being on Reddit and using voice to text to type these things while I'm walking and I'm able to talk out my feelings while walking and it's really good to sometimes let out the poisonous thoughts that you have and sometimes just to organize what's going on in your head so things don't feel so jumbled out once they get written out they're easier to deal with.

And also talk to other men because you got to understand that we have a lens through which we view the world and if you talk to other men who know your situation and who are with you throughout this journey which is why I encourage you to join a support group they will be there to encourage you and offer you compassion when you need it but they'll also be there to challenge you kick your ass if you're not doing what it is that you need to be doing.

So how do you know what you need to be doing once you recover from the process of realizing that this part of your life is going to change you take that pain you apply it to some goal or some sense of purpose that you have in life and every man needs to identify what it is that they want to get out of life.

For me I thought marriage and kids was my life purpose and before that it was getting a certain type of job and having a certain type of career and your purpose has to be bigger than another person.

Yes I take pride in being a father but my life purpose was not to be a father. Yes I enjoyed being a husband but that was not my life purpose and a job is great but that's not my life purpose either So I mean my life purpose could have those as part of it but it's got to be broader and it's got to be some type of mission that gets you up every day to do something.

For me right now my purpose is to make my slice of the world a better place and I make that a better place by raising my kids right I make that a better place by picking a career that actually has a net benefit for society I make it a better place by bringing joy to people who are in need through charitable works so I mean it's a really broad kind of vision on what I want to do but I want to be a force of good and a force of change and I'm spending that energy first trying to transform myself and then transform other people.

And I think what I used to do was try to bring a positive benefit to the outside world so I would volunteer and do things like that while neglecting myself and what you really have to do during this process is to really take care of yourself not in like a selfish self-care of just getting a massage and relaxing all day there's a place for that but what I mean self-care is doing the self work that you need to do to be the kind of person that could handle difficult changes in life.

Because the reality is that men we like to be as comfortable as we can and we always look for comfort relationship a daily routine but comfort is not where we live as men we have to be out there as fighters as protectors and our nature requires us to be ready to confront the difficult circumstances of life and if we do the self-work then we can handle when that happens.

Ultimately that's how you're going to get through this divorce and separation is by leveling up yourself so that you are a stronger more capable confident and self-reliant version of yourself that can take on what other people to say is a bad situation you're just going to say it's a situation I'm going to get through it and I'm going to be okay and you're going to really believe it because you're going to manifest that by taking daily action to get there and if you are still a person with decent health then you already have one part of that taken care of your health is going to get you through a lot of these challenges just take care of yourself do one thing at a time and you'll be okay

pk2at · 2023-06-22T20:30:51+00:00

First thing to do is get ready for the court battle and save as much $$ as you can. You will have time to mourn later, but you need to understand that once she approaches the court, you have the entire feminist government coming to loot you. You will be told many things like disclose all your assets, share everything 50-50 etc. but if you follow the process you may get screwed. Always remember golden rule of divorce ' you keep what you can hide'

Professional-Peak935 · 2023-06-22T18:02:24+00:00

You may be in shock, or maybe you already mourned the death of the marriage.

Impossible_Key_6953 · 2023-06-22T19:39:18+00:00

Time heals all, brother. I was in the same situation a year ago. Didn't know how I would make it without her since she was all I knew. It'll be one of the hardest things you'll have to ; just take it day by day, hour by hour even. Always here if you want to chat. It'll get harder before it gets easier but it will get easier.

captainchippsixx · 2023-06-22T20:13:14+00:00

Start kicking aZz. Work out. I lifted weights to music. Watched videos on elliptical. At night watch a movie like captain America winter soldier. Shit happens and we have to move forward.

Get you valued possessions out of the house if you have them. Put into storage or friend. Make sure you access to cash just you.

On the to do list. Write find a counselor. Most insurances cover it. Call and leave a message. I tired the email route online but they never respond.

It’s time to write To do list man. Write the plan work the plan.

voncichlid · 2023-06-22T23:06:58+00:00

I am 3 months into my own version of this. 20 years up in smoke. Mine was over it ("at peace") within a couple of days.

After 3 months I'm not burning with anger and hurt anymore, but I can tell you it sucks, and I know what you are feeling.

One consolation I have right now is that at least she laid her last blow. It will be a devastating one that will take likely years to recover from, but it will be the last one.

Good luck to you and I'll pray for us both.

Certain-Line-6351 · 2023-06-23T02:11:30+00:00

It’s never easy I apologize. When you and your person that long just grow apart it’s devastating especially if it’s amicable which it seems to be. You’re gonna end up splitting up but not really having any major issues. I feel like that almost makes it a little bit harder it’s easier to break up with someone when you hate them.

So now you’re going to go to this weird grief stage like youre morning someone’s death because you’re gonna have to let go of your best friend of the past 14 years. you’ll never have the same relationship. It’s not even the romantic part that you’re gonna end up missing it’s that best friend and daily communication that’s really gonna hurt.

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2023-06-23T10:14:02+00:00

I’m a few months into separation, spent about 6 weeks earlier in the year as a total basket case. Time will heal you.

I wouldn’t worry about her seeming totally fine, it’s an image she’s trying to project nothing more nothing less. Most will do the whole “look at me and how great my life is now that the asshole is gone” thing on social media. Ignore it all and focus on healing, protecting yourself in the divorce and self improvement.

No_Application_2807 · 2023-06-22T18:41:42+00:00

Have you tried everything? I might sound like a broken record, but divorce sucks!

Exhaust all options. Therapy for you. Couples therapy. Journaling your thoughts.

smooth-vegetable-936 · 2023-06-22T19:42:34+00:00

I was married for 14 years. She wanted divorce. I got it done at first I was miserable but now I don’t give u know what. I’m ok. U will be ok. Life goes on

Ever-learning271 · 2023-06-23T00:26:09+00:00

Sorry to hear this bra…it is very sad and heartbreaking when a love dies and a relationship goes to shit…you both play a role but eventually you have to choose if it’s worth it to keep trying…at times it really isn’t and that F’n hurts to admit. I wish you (both) luck and recommend you focus on you, healing by eating right, exercising like a gladiator, meditating like a monk and keeping positive…I assure you, it does get better! (Me:married 22 years, divorced 1 now with a 13y/o son -jt custody)…Good Luck❤️‍🩹

strangerthaaang · 2023-06-23T00:29:21+00:00

What state you in?

devildonuteater · 2023-06-23T03:57:10+00:00

It sucks at first but you deal with it after and you feel better man, fuck it. My dms are open if you need it

Fresh-Brilliant4550 · 2023-06-23T12:20:46+00:00

For me it was doing things for myself she would always bitch about.

Small steps. Order food without asking her what she wants and being picky and stupid and going to the place you secretly hate. Get that pizza with the topping she hates. Go to the movie she would always complain about. Start doing your hobbies you never had time for because she hated you having fun without her.

potatotornado44 · 2023-06-23T16:38:58+00:00

Do what you have to do to process this brother. I would suggest talking to a therapist. I know that as guys we’re discouraged from the time we’re born about expressing emotions, but therapy can really help. There’s no shame in it. I am in the end stages of divorce. It should be final in a couple weeks. When this first happened it was really hard, I went through a lot to become stable again. Now at the end stages, it’s getting difficult again, but I know that this is it, this is the end, and things can only go up from here.

I went to a concert last night by myself. It’s an artist, who I absolutely love, and I treated myself to a really expensive ticket. While I was there, I made the attempt to engage as many women as I could in conversation. It wasn’t to hit on them, or get dates, nothing like that.

I just wanted to talk to some women and kinda get back out there. It felt really amazing to have a woman be nice to me. That hasn’t happened in a while.

I even ended up kind of holding one and swaying back and forth to one of the slower songs. Oh my goodness, that made my night.

killaB310 · 2023-06-23T16:39:07+00:00

You’ll know that you have succeeded when:

The divorce is final
You begin redirecting your precious time, energy, and attention back to yourself and those who truly care about you AND last but the most important point…
You never allow anyone to treat you like this again

whowhat468 · 2023-06-23T19:04:48+00:00

You will slowly start finding yourself again. Up until this point your life was about being with her so now make it about you. Once you find that groove it will become your new normal but it will take some time. Hang in there and grieve there’s nothing wrong with it. It was 14 years of your life!

Jerbot · 2023-06-25T18:14:55+00:00

I'm in this same boat... fresh wound from this week. 15 years together, about 5 married, no kids. I let work and my own mental issues take my focus away from making her my #1 priority and that ultimately cost us everything we'd built together. She's left me in our shared home while staying with her parents until we figure out how to sell the house, car, etc and file paperwork.

While I do have family that are close, they all have their own adult lives, children, etc and I don't want to drag them down. This leaves me feeling super alone, at my absolute bottom with not much support system. To boot, she's already going out w/ her friends and family like this isn't the most devastating week of our lives. She says she's not sad because she's been suffering for months at times I wasn't available.

Title	It just happened
Author	thePredicterator
Upvotes	34
Comments	37
Date	June 22, 2023 5:43 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/14g9sc9/it_just_happened/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/it-just-happened.1223029 https://theredarchive.com/post/1223029

Comments