TLDR: Wife makes over 2x as much, married 15 years, 2 kids. I was the primary caregiver for 80% of that time. I'd like to reconcile, requesting Alimony would kill any chance of that happening likely.

So wife filed for divorce a few months ago, I was served. I've held off on responding/filing a counter petition bc I've had hope time would calm her down/snap her out of it.

We've been together over half our lives, lot of ups and downs, been through everything together, lot of love, along with a lot of unresolved resentment on both sides. Two amazing teenage kids.

I was primarily a SAHD for a lot of the time, with jobs here and there. I'm a great father, I've always been a loving faithful husband. My lack of being able to provide throughout our relationship is a primary reason for her resentment and wanting a divorce. I understand a mans role in our culture is to be the breadwinner and it's difficult for a wife to respect or be attracted to a husband that isn't, regardless of the love they share. I feel everything I've done has been a thankless job, no appreciation, just contempt. I could have done more, she could have been the SAHM. But I didn't. I didn't provide financially, I just did everything else. Quite a bit of regret on my part.

Since she's filed for divorce, I've improved every aspect of my life. I've read, I've reflected on my flaws and mistakes, cut back on drinking, I'm healthier and fit, I'm a better father, I'm working a decent job, I've never begged her to work on the marriage, I've given her space, I've been understanding, kind, and respectful, I help if she needs something/money, basically only talk if it involves the kids at this point.

We've been seperated for almost 2 months, we live in different places. I feel she purposely rented an ultra expensive new apartment with "our" money, that she can't afford, got a new expensive car she can't afford, took all the kids stuff and moved them in. While I'm living with a friend starting from the ground up with basically nothing. For the most part...she's completely unrecognizable (coping mechanism?) and gone the opposite direction of the improvements I've tried to make. She's cold/disrespectful, discounts our entire relationship, basically hates me. She's surrounded by toxic party girls. Hitting up bars. Talking to old rich guys. Ignoring our kids. She's completely focused on her new single life and has rewritten our history. The whole "too little too late", thing I suppose in regards to the efforts I've made. Recently, within the last two weeks, since I cut off 95% of contact she's been reaching out more and acting normalish. I think she's slowly beginning to see what life is actually like without me.

Regardless, I'm doing my best to be a better man and focusing on my kids. I'm holding out hope for her, but I'm realizing it's likely time to move on. When I file my counter response and request alimony...it'll just add to the resentment of me "leeching" off her (her words). I believe I have no say in child support, a court tries to do what's best for the kids. I feel like I'm in an impossible situation.

Anyhow...

If I request alimony/child support...that's the end of any chance of reconciliation imo. It'd be an ego not for me, she'd hate me...but maybe deserves it. She's living over her budget, don't even know how she'd afford it and it'd impact the kids (how would a judge view her living expenses when deciding alimony/CS...knowing she can't afford it?) From my states calculator it'd be around $3k/m combined. But I need help, I'm starting from nothing and I need a stable home for myself and the kids?

Or do I just ignore alimony and let the court decide on CS?

Appreciate any advice, ty.