What Lesson?

No_Pace2396 · 2025-05-24T18:23:15+00:00

Not every kick in the balls is a lesson. Usually it’s just a kick in the balls.

iqeq_noqueue · 2025-05-23T06:17:24+00:00

Would you have been as generous to her if you knew your one-sided relationship was contingent upon her deciding one day that she wasn't ever really as truthful as you were when she said her vows? If the answer is, "no"... that's your lesson.

Marriage is a legal contract. Divorce is an act of fraud violating the terms of the agreement.

Boglehead101 · 2025-05-23T05:57:58+00:00

In my case, I spent 22 years trying to be a good husband and father. I paid every single household bill without fail. I supported her lifestyle, her shopping habits, her part-time work decisions, and I never once asked her to contribute financially, even when interest rates rose and I was drowning in debt. I thought that’s what love and responsibility looked like.

But over time, I let too much slide. I lost myself trying to keep the peace. I stopped making decisions, stopped being heard, stopped being seen. I was emasculated in my own home. She controlled everything, what went in the house, what we spent money on, how we lived. My voice didn’t matter.

Eventually, her attitude turned cold, then hostile. Out of nowhere, she decided she wanted out. No conversation about what went wrong. No interest in counseling. No pause to consider if anything could be salvaged. Just done.

What hurts most is how easily she discarded it all, me, the history, our family unit. Our children aren’t even being considered in this. It’s as if 22 years meant nothing. There’s no reflection, no sense of responsibility, just a self-serving exit.

I’m not perfect, but I never gave up on us. She did.

VNM0601 · 2025-05-22T21:42:01+00:00

The lesson is that you didn't set boundaries for yourself. You lost your identity in the course of the relationship because you made everything about her. I did the same. I bought into the mantra "Happy wife, happy life" and ultimately deferred everything to her because I just wanted to keep her happy. In return, she felt like all of the decision-making was on her (because I just wanted her to be happy so I went with whatever she wanted) and that put a heavy burden on her. I've realized how I don't even know who I am after the divorce. I made the entire relationship my identity and now that it's gone, I feel lost. But I'm working on rebuilding and recovering. I think you have many lessons you've taken away from your relationship too. It's just that you're either too hurt or angry to see them clearly at this time.

Reflog1791 · 2025-05-22T17:00:19+00:00

Sounds like you learned a lot of lessons man. I think your analysis is correct.

She left because she wanted to. Many are left holding the bag.

Don’t be left holding the bag next time around.

The book “No More Mr. Nice Guy” will give you clarity and tips. It is a very common experience to be doing “nice guy” stuff and expecting loyalty in return. It just doesn’t work that way in reality.

sexchairmillionaire · 2025-05-22T16:33:04+00:00

Thank you. This brings some peace.

BatKeith · 2025-05-22T13:24:10+00:00

"I loved my wife and believed she loved me back. I didn’t mind that she was selfish because I thought she had a gap in her armor exactly wide enough for me to get in and be there for her. Until I couldn’t anymore and she closed off completely and said some really hurtful things and left me. She broke up our family to go have a midlife crisis it would seem.

In other words, I haven’t really learned anything. I was there for her, always. And she was rarely if ever there for me. And then she left me. I gave and gave and gave because that’s what I thought love is and that was my privilege."

I feel every bit of this. I'm angry with my wife and still very hurt, but I have come to the realization she is no longer the woman/mother I fell in love with. Her love was conditional and erratic. That's not love.

I'm 51 and the lesson I've learned, I'm too old for this shit. I have no intentions of dating or looking for love. However, I think I've seen enough red flags to recognize them if I see another.

Hang in there. Sometimes things don't work out how we thought and there is no lesson. Try to find some peace.

Thebadmamajama · 2025-05-22T13:21:32+00:00

the answer is you won't find a lesson in what ends. theres nothing productive there.

you find lessons on what you become next. be the best human for you, for your kids - invest in yourself unapologetically.

Ok-Cause1108 · 2025-05-22T13:06:37+00:00

"I gave and gave and gave because that’s what I thought love is"

There is your lesson. That is not romantic love at all. That is what a father does for his children.

You lead, you continue to court your partner, and you set and maintain strong boundaries. You support their growth, not lazy and selfish habits. She lost respect and attraction for you because you did not do these things.

She wants to grow, not be a third child. You didn't know, now you do. Your next romantic relationships will be awesome.

Grafixx5 · 2025-05-22T12:16:50+00:00

Your situation sounds like mine. I did everything, she did nothing. Mine cheated and she knows she did, she just won’t admit to it. She walked away and we’re going through a nasty divorce right now and she’s pinning everything on me trying to say I’m the horrible person all while through the entire 20yrs she would say she put in MAYBE5% and I put in all the rest, I’m a great husband and great father, etc etc. now I’m the biggest POS ever and she’s the model wife and mother. I see no lesson aside from don’t get married ever if you’re a guy because all you do is lose. And if you have kids, teach them right. Teach the boys the right things and what to look out for, same with girls. Teach them BOTH to REQUIRE PRENUPS and walk away if the other won’t sign, and ensure EVERYTHING is in those prenups, to include inheritance.

Candidate_Worldly · 2025-05-22T12:01:44+00:00

All this 'learning yourself' stuff when you are walked out on for no apparent reason is just bullshit. Trying to make a positive situation out of something wholly negative.

Similiar thing happened to me, we went through a rough patch of family bereavement and work crisis, I withdrew and became depressed and she walked away. Destroying our family and marriage in the process. I love her but my blood boils with rage at the ease with which she did this.

That's the reality. There is no lesson to be learned here.

Exactly65536 · 2025-05-22T11:47:37+00:00

Life lessons are overrated.

I mean, when you are 18, they might be useful; when you are 40+ with grown up kids - not so much.

You will never be in the same situation again.

There is no working on your mistake for larger things in life; whatever you do, it's in the past and it is immutable, and your future is vastly different on many important parameters.

sexchairmillionaire · 2025-05-22T11:14:04+00:00

You need to find happyness. A woman who is more open minded. Someone who shows you everything you never done. Restart your life if you want a lesson

Paddle_Pedal_Puddle · 2025-05-22T09:58:57+00:00

You say she was a user and a taker. You say she had walls up. What about you made you think that was okay for a relationship and allowed you to tolerate that in the first place, much less 24 years? Why were you willing to accept so little from her?

I recommend reading the book Gatekeeper by psychologist Shawn Smith.

MonkeyBranchBuster · 2025-05-22T06:56:20+00:00

The lesson is men love idealistically and women "love" opportunistically, lie and have no honor, gratitude, loyalty and accauntability.

Spared-No-Expense · 2025-05-22T06:04:26+00:00

You have learned that just because you are good to someone doesn’t mean they will be good back. You’ve learned some people are broken.

You’ve learned that there are women for whom giving all of yourself to them makes them less attracted to you and more likely to leave, and that the less you give the more attracted they will be and likelier to stay.

And you’ve learned that there are some women who for whom this isn’t true. And you’ve learned that although there are some signs, there really is no way to know for certain which is which, nor whether they will eventually leave or betray you — until they either do, or you die of old age. And you’ve learned the only way to win the game is to either not play it… or to not invest in an outcome of permanence — either by never fully committing your heart and soul to another — and just going through the motions zombie relationship — or by accepting that it’s really just your turn to know this other lonely soul on this crazy Little Rock in infinite emptiness in less than a blips worth of time, and allowing yourself to love knowing that nothing, including you and your descendants, is permanent anyway, and in a way any short but meaningful connection where you touch eachother’s lives is a miracle worth celebrating and embracing, no matter how long or short, and in a way that’s beautiful too, so why not? Loving without fear, while knowing it may be temporary, and finding peace in that, will truly set you free in a way isolation and never will. Love without expectation of duration, just for the sake of love and connection itself, and being able to provide mutual comfort to another in this terrifying and short and often lonely journey, if only for a little while, will always be worth it.

Beamformer · 2025-05-22T05:36:10+00:00

I think just where to put yourself, how heavy to weigh your happiness and the other person's level of giving. Honestly, its the question going forward, women are going to want to know where you stand on marriage, cohab, etc.. All you can do is learn from your past, and try to avoid mistakes like putting ourselves last.

First-Sail8421 · 2025-05-22T04:44:13+00:00

That the sin of Judas - betrayal - really is the worst sin if all. And that no fault divorce is the single most destabilizing influence in the history of mankind, and every man should be working his hardest with his state legislators to get it removed from the law.

Effective_Hornet_833 · 2025-05-22T03:54:55+00:00

That you deserve more. There was nothing wrong with your love for her, but you deserve a love that is reciprocal. A great marriage may require you to be self sacrificing from time to time, but if that’s all that it is, it isn’t a great marriage.

Betterbythedaycoach · 2025-05-22T03:52:51+00:00

Without knowing more details I’ll venture out there. You were being used and taken for granted. You said yourself she’s a broken person. It was clearly going to continue and get worse until it ended. You can imagine how your rest of your life would have been if it hadn’t ended.

Take solace in the fact that you’re being allowed to learn, grow, and find happiness. You were never going to have happiness with her.

Having kids gives you a great outlet and focal point. Put everything you have into them when you’re with them. Help them be happy and find joy. It’ll do the same for you. Be their rock. Likely their mom will not.

Look forward and picture everything you want and deserve. Then be that guy that matches up with that world

Title	What Lesson?
Author	sexchairmillionaire
Upvotes	35
Comments	50
Date	May 22, 2025 2:57 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ksgg26/what_lesson/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-lesson.1552794 https://theredarchive.com/post/1552794

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