A cautionary tale on why you shouldn't settle for less. Break up at the first sign.

oscine23 · 2022-01-15T21:24:10+00:00

I’m torn on this one. She moved in with him knowing his situation. And he has a child. When you have children and money is tight, you don’t have the luxury of splurging on fancy cakes and dinners — though she’s not wrong for wanting to be treated special. Her pouting because she didn’t get the cake she wanted, and speaking on it, is asshole-ish to me. Especially hurting this child’s feelings. He’s a cornball for not anticipating her birthday and saving to do something nice. She shouldn’t have to ask.

She should absolutely apologize, and then move out.

kettleodumplins · 2022-01-15T20:41:47+00:00

Yeah I understand why people would say that she was TA here, even if it was extremely tacky of him to ask her to pay half rather then coming up with something novel. If you want something nice for your birthday and the other person can't afford it, then you can't manifest it into their bank account (or their desire to buy it, whichever is the real issue). On the other hand, this sounds more like a "last straw" type of post than a one-off complaint. Chances are there more than one aspect of their relationship that is balanced against her.

But this is yet another example of why someone should not date a man, move to his house, and then pay his mortgage & other bills. Marriage in part is a legal mechanism put in place to protect people who plan to share assets in the future. This woman will be back here in a few years wondering why her forever boyfriend suddenly broke up with her, never paid her back for the principal she is putting into his house, and left her without a place to stay.

Instead of apologizing to his daughter, she should consider setting a better example by cutting ties with him and finding a more balanced relationship where she can be happy. And one where the daughter won't be subjected to triangulation by her parent.

chainsawbobcat · 2022-01-16T00:08:52+00:00

Dude. She moved in with him right after he lost income, seemingly to help him keep his house, why is she surprised? Seems like he was honest and then made her dinner and a cake. I would love if someone made me dinner AND a cake over going out any day tbh. I've had boyfriends who woukd just pay for things so they didn't have to be thoughtful or do the leg work. And HEY, whatever works for you maybe she needs expensive dinners and cakes. But she doesn't know herself, she's just feeling disappointed even though it's clear when she moved in he was financially strapped. I think this is an example of, leave at the first sign that the things that are really important to you don't align.

Also, never move in with someone you're not engaged to and ready to commit to (read: have vetted enough that you're sure this is the person you would do anything for, bc they will always make it worth it).

idiosyncraticg1 · 2022-01-15T23:40:23+00:00

I do think she is the asshole in this situation. It’s pretty LV to insult someone’s cooking. However, as one of the top comments here say, you can’t manifest money into someone’s bank account if they can’t afford it. She shouldn’t be paying her boyfriends bills and instead leave the relationship to find someone in a better financial position. Additionally, he could’ve put like $30 a month away for her birthday present or that expensive cake since he knew it was coming up since that prior year.

herbivorouscarnivore · 2022-01-15T22:19:43+00:00

Oh no, I cringed at her moving in five months ago. That doesn’t read as relationship progress but moving in to pay the bills. Nope nope nope.

And I get that he’s making less but he owed her that cake for all the money she saved him. (Since the horse has already left the barn and she’s already moved in.)

eatapeach18 · 2022-01-15T23:56:02+00:00

I remember reading this a while back and I voted that they were both assholes.

She was rude in this scenario. Her wealthy boyfriend hit a major roadblock during the pandemic, as did millions of other people. She should have been a little more compassionate and sympathetic to that, especially knowing he was a single dad and had a kid to take care of. He was transparent about his inability to pay for an expensive dinner and bougie birthday cake, and he and his daughter cooked the meal and baked the cake together. That’s very sweet.

She never should have moved in without being married to him (or at the very least engaged). She never should have paid half his bills… this was his house. Her name is no where on the mortgage or deed. He could dump her tomorrow and she would have no claim to the house she was paying half for. Personally, I think she never should have gotten involved with a man who has kids. Being a stepmom requires patience and understanding that sadly, you come second to the man’s child. I always want to be first in my man’s life, so that’s why I would never get involved with a single dad.

But the guy was a total idiot for suggesting they go Dutch on her birthday cake. He could have gone to Wegmans or whatever supermarket is near him and gotten an amazing gourmet cake for under $30. He doesn’t have $30 to spend on the woman who’s been footing half his bills and playing pretend mommy for his kid? Please. Also, if he’s in a nice house in a nice neighborhood, hen he’s probably sitting on a major chunk of money. Maybe he could have sold his house and downsized a bit with something that both he and his girlfriend owned together.

itsirrelevant · 2022-01-15T22:55:59+00:00

What kind of debt is this guy in when he has someone else paying most of his bills and can't afford one cake for a birthday...

I mean I get if you're broke you don't get to have fancy cake, and growing up I always had homemade, but just seems odd that he went from doing well on his own to not even being able to scrape by when someone else is picking up the slack for him? Suspicious

tellmesomething11 · 2022-01-15T22:04:18+00:00

Even at my lowest point of finances, I saved a bit each month and would travel home for the holidays. This man is saving money bc she moved in and is covering a lot of expenses. Even saving 15 a month adds up to 180. Honestly I don’t think she’s the asshole but she isn’t smart. They are grown, he should be able to afford this and she should be with someone that suits her.

honeybadgerattitude · 2022-01-16T01:41:55+00:00

I just keep thinking, how expensive was the goddamn cake?

LevellingUpTime · 2022-01-16T02:29:22+00:00

So poor he couldn't afford a cake? Was it a 3-tier wedding cake or something? He was in a $100k+ job position, so I doubt he was bumped down to $10k a year. Also the fact he said he couldn't afford it because Christmas is coming up makes me think he's one of those people who go into debt getting too many nice gifts for people including all their friends and all their relatives. I imagine Christmas would be a lot more affordable if they kept things quiet for themselves and his daughter. That would be the mature approach.

That being said, he said he couldn't afford the dinner, said he couldn't afford the cake, then home-cooked the dinner (which she enjoyed) and the cake so it's not like he ruined the food. She comes across as pretty LV, especially since she moved in after he lost his job and has to sometimes pay more than half of the bills, so she should've known what to expect. And he seems LV since he couldn't budget enough for his girlfriend's birthday to get her a cake (or a gift?) but he could budget for other people on Christmas?

JadeBaby2211 · 2022-01-15T20:36:43+00:00

Men who triangulate their daughters with their partners are the fucking worst, and its way too common. Now we've got two femmes upset at the inadequacy of one entire man.

While financial hardship is real, the fact that he displayed the cake in such cold terms shows that he's been neglecting her their entire relationship. There's no love or care in his efforts, it's this weird powerplay of doing a little more than normal, but completely missing the mark on basic aspects of emotional connection. It's all a calculated move to make you seem irrational for wanting love and care, and then promising love and care and then never delivering.

I was once caught up in that confusing dance, no more!

MajesticSkyPachyderm · 2022-01-15T20:47:31+00:00

He knows the date of her birthday. He had plenty of time since the previous one to save a little each month to buy her something nice. But he didn't think ahead because he doesn't care. People on the sub can call her TA all they want, but I'd bet anything that if the situation was reversed she would have had the money saved for his birthday.

Kylie_Fan · 2022-01-15T21:12:15+00:00

She's helped him and his daughter a lot financially, the least he can do is show gratitude.

It's just a cake or a dinner that she wanted, how much can that be anyway? Not like she wanted an airplane.

Again, she helped out financially. The fair thing to do is to show that he's there for her. She asked for something really small compared to all the money she poured into his household.

It was fine to accept her money to pay bills but when she asks for a nice gesture once a year, she's told to pay half. Cheap bastard.

lolmemberberries · 2022-01-16T00:10:26+00:00

How irresponsible with money is this guy that she's paying half (or more) of his bills and he's still too cash-strapped to take her out to dinner? He knows what day her birthday is. He had a whole year to put a little bit away every month.

That being said, I wouldn't have said anything negative about the cake because his daughter helped make it. I would've thanked them both, then made my exit strategy since it's obvious her needs are not (if they were ever) met in the relationship.

Efflights6 · 2022-01-16T00:08:02+00:00

If she didn't move in she wouldn't be in this situation.

preppykat3 · 2022-01-15T23:07:09+00:00

I would think she was an asshole IF she didn’t pay half of the bills (even more!!).

Platipus6 · 2022-01-15T23:21:05+00:00

Ah, this weird tactic of dangling half a carrot.

She asks for what she wants and he says "I can't possibly, how about half of what you want".

No-one should fucking beg and then negotiate for half. He got off on denying and squashing her. Humiliation, and then extra humiliation by involving the daughter. Making OOP apologize for her own shitty birthday!?!?!?

"Pointing out that we ruined your birthday hurts our feelings" what a shithole father.

HVM find a way to give you all of what you want and don't press their kids into child labor, unless it's something like giving her some money to buy a cute present, or help wrap.

cutiebranch · 2022-01-16T16:45:46+00:00

Where are the mods on this one?

I’ve had comments removed for saying a woman should not lie about having a food allergy (because it was “low value” and not supportive of women - but the woman was lying about a food allergy) but here we have a ton of comments remaining up saying this woman who pays half the bills is or might be an asshole for asking for a nice cake one day a year?

Title	A cautionary tale on why you shouldn't settle for less. Break up at the first sign.
Author	HydraSkyFire
Upvotes	73
Comments	33
Date	January 15, 2022 8:26 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/s4tdf8/a_cautionary_tale_on_why_you_shouldnt_settle_for/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/a-cautionary-tale-on-why-you-shouldnt-settle-for.1095997 https://theredarchive.com/post/1095997

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