A question in regards to single motherhood

fdsonlynoscrubs · 2022-03-18T01:10:32+00:00

Look up “single moms by choice.” There’s a whole community out there. Of course it won’t be easy, but lots of women go that route. I’m considering it myself. Best of luck to you :)

Cat_With_The_Fur · 2022-03-18T02:04:25+00:00

I’m doing this right now. I am 6 months pregnant via ivf using a donor. I can’t speak to the actual parenting part of it yet BUT being pregnant alone has been just fine.

I made this decision after my NV ex walked out when I was 37 to “date other women” (even though we were married). I tried to date to a timeline and it was just exhausting and disastrous. Men who want kids at 40 are out here trying to date 25 year olds, not women their own age. I love being able to give up wading through LVM online trying to choose the least worst option.

Also, being an older mom is great. I have amazing friends who’ve been excited for me, supportive family, and a flexible job with enough income to support a child on my own. I’ve also done a lot of therapy and feel a lot more emotionally prepared to be a mom than I would have been at 30.

It’s definitely not the ideal life I wanted but it’s the best option for me right now, and I’m so grateful that I’m able to be a mom without a bunch of low performing men taking that away from me.

Determinedblonde · 2022-03-18T09:49:05+00:00

I feel like being a single mum by choice is better than anxiously and desperately seeking a man. I was watching MAFS Australia and it’s rough watching older women put up with so much LVM and NVM behaviour in hopes of avoiding single motherhood.

Nah, do it anyway. Have that baby. Then look for a man when the pressure is off.

sewingmachinesavior · 2022-03-18T00:16:49+00:00

Single motherhood is TOUGH. I’m going to lay down some facts, do with it what you may. I’ve had multiple pregnancies, pregnancy losses, and became a single mother when my children were toddlers.

If you are one of the unfortunate women who get extreme morning sickness to the point you are non functional or forced to hospitalize, what is your plan?

Are you prepared to use all your vacation time for time off when your baby is sick? OR pay for a nanny, who comes no matter what?

Is your job able to give you work-life balance once you’re a mother?

What is your plan if you end up with a colicky baby who screams around clock and only sleeps for an hour at a time?

Do you have friends with kids? Because once you have kids, your social circle changes, and as a working mom, you won’t have the luxury of attending playgroups and library story time like you might if you had a partner/worked part time whatever.

Edit: bc I hit post too soon.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t do it. Being a single mom is 1000x better than parenting with a ZVM, but it’s no picnic, not by any stretch, and men typically avoid women with young children like the plague.

Lack of support is the biggest reason why women get PPD, so have your support in place. It doesn’t need to be a man.

Keepers12345 · 2022-03-18T00:44:26+00:00

I'm guessing that you mean starting your family via sperm donor?

If so, s family member of mine went this route. It was the best thing for her. She is not attracted to men. So, her life plan was never with a man.

She did it when she was financially ready.

Here's something cute. Her gf at the time had a daughter with a sperm donor a few years before my relative. When my relative was ready, she used the same sperm donor. So her children have a biological sibling that they've known since childhood. My relative and her gf have since broken up, but the exes get together so their children can hang out.

The downside (not really because it's worth it for her) is that her mother stepped up to be the caretaker and extra parent. Working full-time, plus having children was a lot. She needed the extra help.

I'm sure that other subs have great advice. Also, sometimes churches have infertility groups. Even though that's not your case, the women there may already have a welcoming community to help you and/or connect you with resources. Maybe you can make your own village.

If it's right for you, then your Higher Power will guide you :)

EDIT: I forgot to add that someone that I know always wanted to have children. Eventually, she met her SO toward her latter 30s. By the time that they were ready to have children together, she was 39 yo. She/(they?) spent a ton of money on IVF. Eventually, IVF worked. They had two children together. From everything that she's shared with me, he's a HVM. He came home from work and literally took the baby out of her hands to give her a break. Daily. She didn't have to ask. S

I know that I'm telling you anecdotal information here. Just because I know two people does not mean anything. You gotta do you :)

I think that getting more information can only help you determine what's best for you.

LetsGetin_Formation · 2022-03-18T03:20:15+00:00

Most women end up single moms anyway. Be prepared for some of the hardest years of your life…but at least you’ll be mentally gearing up for it.

Most women are financially strapped, raising an infant on their own while dealing with a broken heart and abusive scrote baby daddy.

kinkardine · 2022-03-18T05:25:29+00:00

Even though I was happily married, I found being solo mom reduced my workload almost 60%, right now all I have to care about is me and my kid, I can easily say no to my in laws even if they reach out ( I am a widow and I am still in touch with and love my in laws) , but being married when I have to represent the family- it was too much of a work, plus you do not know how much work your hubby will put in for the baby, 90% of time he will avoid any household chores and childcare. When I look around I found all my mom friends are passing single motherhood even though they are married, but they and their kids come 3rd or 4th in priority.

Momhood is not a train that you have to catch up in the last moment, as long as you are restricting bad genes from procreation pool by not breeding with a lvm, nvm, zvm you are performing nature’s duty. Even the basic cell division happens under optimal condition, here you are dividing your body and life, you as you know yourself won’t exist anymore.

Do you really want to be a mom? Are you looking forward to the sticky messy less privacy, less sleep, less care free lifestyle? I would highly suggest to read the book mom shift that has enormous amount of case studies- and yes single momhood is much less stressful than being with a man, you can hire babysitters, nannies, have catering services to deliver your food to reduce your time in chores and more time for the baby and you.

ferociouslycurious · 2022-03-18T02:33:25+00:00

Women do it but a strong support system is vital. Nannies are not consistently reliable based upon the experiences of my acquaintances. Frequent illness is very common in young children and it can be devastating to employment. I personally had severe carpal tunnel late in my second pregnancy and could not sleep for more than 2 hours before I’d wake up in excruciating pain that was only relieved by standing upright with my arms straight down at my side. It was sleep deprivation torture and I actually had a blessedly brief period one night where suicide became a real consideration (that was quite eye opening to the drivers behind suicide I might add). My LVM husband was essentially useless as he considered my problems an annoyance to him. The doctors were not helpful, physical therapists tried, I had acupuncture and chiropractice…..You would benefit from a support system to help you through potential issues.

Jiou112 · 2022-03-18T00:41:44+00:00

I actually have a post to fds on this, if you'd like to look at it on my profile. I am going to contrast what some of the other comments say, and tell you it has been as amazing as you think it is. Yes it's hard but it is rewarding, and when you know you are meant to be a mom... a man shouldn't stand in your way. My support system are people I know and trust and that makes it easier. My son and I spend our time exploring and traveling. He is full of love and joy and wonder. He makes me laugh and smile everyday. Watching him grow and learn is pure bliss. Yes, he was a baby, and now a toddler, and it's hard. And there are days I'm exhausted. There are single mother comments from strangers, and people who aren't supportive. But that is all so tiny compared to the amazing act of motherhood.

yetanotherhail · 2022-03-18T14:21:59+00:00

It sounds utopic, but hear me out.

Another poster has pointed out that there are single mum by choice communities, while others have said that being a single mother is hard.

How about getting to know other single-by-choice mothers and create a co-living and co-parenting space? You get to be a single mother without the burden of being alone.

SupremeDearLeader · 2022-03-18T15:25:48+00:00

Vet vet vet the sperm. If his bloodlines have mental illness , anger management issues,, BPD or anything similar your being a parent dream will turn into a nightmare.

basuragoddess · 2022-03-18T01:55:57+00:00

I’m also interested in becoming a single mother by choice. I think the key is having a strong support system you can rely on - so not going it alone, just rather as a single woman.

Historical_Foot101 · 2022-03-17T23:48:53+00:00

My sister just had her first baby a week ago, on her 40th birthday. Both are healthy. When I gave birth to my first, there was another mom there who had just given birth to healthy full-term twins, she was 42.

Obviously there are exceptions and I know there are risks associated with age, but don't put so much pressure on yourself. You have time.

IgetUsernameScraps · 2022-03-18T16:24:02+00:00

If the main reason you want a man is to become a mom, you’re not missing out by being a single mom. Most men are either absolute trash dads, or bare minimum dads. It doesn’t matter if they say they “really want a kid/family” once the kid is there you’re most likely on your own.

I think having a kid by yourself will prevent you being blinded by your need to beat the biological clock, and settling for a bad quality man. So many women (hi there!) have fallen for this.

Personally, I think a man who doesn’t want to date a woman with kids is automatically low value. Unless he’s child-free. Like he sees you as a used appliance. Not to say it’s totally safe to date a man who likes kids or doesn’t seem to mind either way, he might be a pedophile, they target single moms.

It doesn’t matter if you have kids or not. If you choose to be with a man you will have to vet forever.

Maleddie · 2022-03-18T00:14:48+00:00

I've been wondering about this (I'm 35). There's a single mothers by choice sub (guess what the r/ is!) so maybe check that out?

I've also frozen my eggs, which isn't quite as sure as an insurance policy but does help me to feel a bit calmer about the prospect of having kids later. I think if you're in good health, you can have kids at a slightly older age without materially negative consequences. (Note, am not a medical expert! But it's becoming more and more common.)

Puzzled-Survey-6886 · 2022-03-17T23:58:02+00:00

I can’t tell you what it’s like to be a single mom, but as a married mom of two who was originally on the fence about having children and decided to go for it: you will not give a shit about losing out on potential matches. Anyone who would discount me because of my beautiful girls can get bent, I’ll never love anyone more than them. I believe the same is true for 99.9% of moms out there.

MofoMadame · 2022-03-27T12:19:17+00:00

Its not much harder to do it by yourself, it's easier than having a LVM as the father. They are often just another child and their contribution comes with lots of hasels making whatever positive gain moot.

This has been my experience.

If you want a kid, have one.

There is no reason to think you cant find a decent man to have kids with, but if you cant find a HVM you'll be better off with a doner than a LVM as a husband or co-parent.

Just be informed of the realities of motherhood. It is hard work, and 24/7 responsibility. This seems an obvious statement, but I seriously had no idea and I was 36 when I had my first.

Title	A question in regards to single motherhood
Author	Kelandry
Upvotes	170
Comments	26
Date	March 17, 2022 11:43 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/tgnpj1/a_question_in_regards_to_single_motherhood/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/a-question-in-regards-to-single-motherhood.1107058 https://theredarchive.com/post/1107058

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