Avoiding me?

dzgata · 2020-04-12T04:31:03+00:00

What has he done to prove he’s genuine? You went on one date. Also I’ve been in the position where I felt amazing chemistry and calm with a guy on the first date and he turned out to be horribly emotionally dismissive and avoidant and I ended things with him early on. Don’t let that fleeting feeling allow you to cloud the truth of what’s happening.

Don’t chase men. If he wanted you he would make that clear without a doubt. Time to move on. And better now than later. Don’t allow yourself to get attached to a guy after one date.

And no men aren’t “intimidated” by you, that’s a huge myth they like to perpetuate. And if he’s an insecure mess, what business do you have wanting him? You’re not his therapist. He just doesn’t want you and that’s fine. You shouldn’t want him either.

desertedstreets · 2020-04-12T04:53:49+00:00

[deleted]

2020-04-12T04:48:40+00:00

He’s too old

spicyveggieramen · 2020-04-12T04:57:38+00:00

I’m confused why you’re so convinced that he’s genuine? You don’t know him. The idea that men push women away because they’re scared or intimidated is a romcom myth. He is not scared, he’s not even “playing games”, he’s uninterested. Yes, even after a great first date. Yes, even if you felt sparks. He may have liked you, but he lost interest. Remember that if a man wants to talk to you, he will. Please don’t project complex thoughts or feelings on to this man about you. The fact that he responded in such a rude way is enough to not only leave him alone, but block and delete him.

PossibleCook · 2020-04-12T04:52:31+00:00

Drop him. He’s either playing the game or not into you, either way it ends with you chasing him and being dropped the second someone he deems better comes along. Men know what they want and they don’t play games or act busy when they’re genuinely into you. Sorry but he’s not intimidated by you - he’s just not interested. He’s keeping you around to stroke his ego.

penelopekitty · 2020-04-12T11:22:27+00:00

"I think I intimidated him and now he is resorting to hot and cold techniques. My gut is rarely off and it’s telling me this is not a manipulator.

I feel like he wants to get rid of me because I scare him."

Nope - sorry, he's not into you.

mightbethrowawayyy · 2020-04-12T06:58:06+00:00

Sis you did the right thing by ignoring him. I get the intimidation part and I’ve even been told a few times that people were intimidated by me. In the past when a guy displayed hot and cold behaviors, I would find excuses for them by thinking maybe they were intimidated. But! Now I realize that anyone who’s truly intimidated by you ain’t worth it. They would have self esteem issues being with you anyway. They would drain your energy, and you don’t want that mess.

Also idk if anyone else mentioned this but I feel like that’s a somewhat big age gap between you two. I’m a little older than you and I would be very cautious with a 27 yo guy. Dude sounds immature and probably has insecurity issues.

desertedstreets · 2020-04-12T04:57:31+00:00

There could be any number of reasons as to why he's acting hot and cold, most likely he is talking to other girls or is simply not interested in carrying on with you but is stringing you along as an option until you step in and end it. Don't analyze why he is doing this. Just know it is not an accident, he knows exactly what he's doing. It's not your job to decipher his behavior. Only pay attention to how he is treating you. First date tells you almost nothing about him - more often than not it is equivalent to going on a job interview where both parties are at their best behavior. Drop his inconsistent ass and move on, he is not worth your time and thoughts. Do not give him the benefit of doubt about being genuine, he has not proved it.

Patient-Character · 2020-04-12T08:27:37+00:00

Thank you for your comments, they are very helpful. No its has not happened to me before. You’re right, I’ve barely entered society. I’ll take this as a nice date and a fond memory and will mourn the loss of a fantasy piece by piece in silence😪

radical__daphne · 2020-04-12T09:31:17+00:00

He's way too old for you anyway. Why do you want a man who's almost 30. Their dicks go downhill real quick at that age. There's no way he's running after a 21-year-old for anything more than sex, and that's not anything about you, it's about him not wanting to commit so he goes for young women.

k20_4 · 2020-04-12T09:35:03+00:00

Honestly, is it worth the headache even if he isn't? After one date you owe him nothing, and if you already feel like he's hot and cold or trying to play games, move on. Any guy I've had the same issue with that early on has continued to be a headache until we stopped talking. There are lots of fish in the sea girl, I say toss him back.

RadarFemef · 2020-04-12T08:23:28+00:00

Block and move on, for real. If he wanted something to happen he would make it known

XaHaXa · 2020-04-12T08:36:10+00:00

You went on one date?

Also that is a lie, guys are not intimidated by beautiful women.

Stop lying to yourself, you are being a pickmeisha and your go-to excuse for him being distant is that you might be too pretty.

You are 21 and it shows, that is probably why he is pulling away.

Now, move on and bother with people who like you back.

CountBubblegum · 2020-04-12T09:04:30+00:00

Uh... Another one of "mysterious moron" bunch. Those do exactly this - try to be the guy for you, tell you how much they like you etc. And then suddenly disappear without a word, barely having any contact with you - just enough to keep you on the hook. I bet when you actually start making ultimatums, they will make excuses like "I'm actually going through something now", "I don't want to talk about it", "I would like to tell you but I can't" and "You wouldn't understand".

Here's why the guitar and everything to appear romantic, artistic and intelligent type. Then throw a little mystery here and there and here's your "guy from romantic novel, who is main heroin's love interest, but is actually very toxic and abusive".

jesza09 · 2020-04-12T11:32:06+00:00

He’s most likely a LVM, playing games or he’s just not that into you, even if it’s because he finds you intimidating because multiple things can be true at once. You’ve skipped a bullet, don’t overthink it.

Ms_Tilly · 2020-04-12T13:07:09+00:00

I didn't read the entire thing, but it sounds like narcissistic abuse. They make you feel loved, then they make you question if it was real. If you take the bait and chase them, they dump you. If you don't, they start chasing you again. It's all about validation for them and it is a never ending cycle. They need this cycle to get their narcissistic supply and will continue the behavior as long as you let them. Let him go completely and move on. You don't need to know every reason a LVM does something confusing. Sometimes the answer really is mental illness and you will never understand it.

Or he's really just not that into you but thought he could be or also liked another girl and chose her. If the other girl doesn't work out he could come crawling back OR it could be he's the narcissist I mentioned above and he's coming in for another cycle of abuse.

PhospholipidB · 2020-04-12T13:55:54+00:00

Define "genuine"? If he was genuine, he would tell you the real reason he's been avoiding you. So already you know he can't be authentic.

You know he is insecure.

He really isn't worth a second thought much less trying to figure out. It's not your job to figure him out, prop up his fragile ego, or become his therapist, etc. He is so far below you. Block him.

Novemberinthechair · 2020-04-12T12:41:08+00:00

No, you shouldn't bother. He sounds like a narc who was bored and wanted to charm someone to inflate his ego. That's no reflection on you.

honeybeeroll · 2020-04-12T19:58:37+00:00

Something it doesn't seem anyone has mentioned here is what you're trying to say in your post, I think intimated is just the wrong word for it, bc men are not intimidated by women in the true sense of the world, as in, it's rare that a woman truly sparks fear in a man. HOWEVER--

what I hear in your post is that you're wondering about men who can't handle being with a very attractive woman. This is a real thing. For dudes who have mad self esteem issues and can't handle the fact that a woman is physically out of his league (which she always should be) and that other men are going to leer at her, sometimes even when he's standing right there with her. But you don't want to date a guy with self esteem issues period, bc he'll give you all sorts of other problems. So yes it's a real thing, but if you stay away from guys with self esteem issues, it's a non issue.

And yeah, as others on this post have said, a lot of first dates go extremely well, but it doesn't actually mean much. It's quite easy to be charming for a couple hours. Proof is in how he pursues you. I know you weren't chasing him, but just even asking "why are you being distant," is an anti-FDS move. If he's being distant, no need to even ask why, bc he's not worth your time.

ChocoBananza · 2020-04-12T17:49:05+00:00

Yes, that happened to me! Exact same thing (except for the age gap).

He was shy, very genuine, very attractive, and for a reason unbeknownst to me - single. Because he’s picky, you see. We clicked instantly. We were both smitten with each other. And we only had one date after we met through a mutual friend.

In that particular situation, it was an act. We than talked for a month, every other day we had hour long conversations, until I pressed for more. We live in different countries, but it’s not impossible distance, nor was it impossible for me to move there, if things go well (for explanation, we’re 1 hour away via plane, I work in IT so I wouldn’t have issues in finding a good job there, and his country has much better standard than mine, so me moving there would be a step up). I wanted to visit, he agreed, and he immediately became more distant. Like, as soon as I confirmed that I booked my flight.

Long story short(er), he simply didn’t want me. He didn’t want a relationship at the time. That was that, we’ve never seen each other again. Not long after, I’ve heard through grapevine that he found a girlfriend, and that simply was a confirmation that I wasn’t enough for him, someone else was.

My advise would be - don’t waste your time with someone who isn’t sure about you, and def not with someone who would speak with you in such a rude manner. Listen to the blocka blocka lady, and don’t contact him, and don’t give him space to serve you some bullshit reason. Good luck!

FluffandRainclouds · 2020-04-15T12:37:31+00:00

A hard pill to swallow is that men are excellent at feigning interest for some unknown reason then ghosting. Look at my post history. You can be an excellent catch, go to dinner, have him say you're wonderful and kiss you goodnight, but it means nothing unless he is consistent. But a man who can fake or change his mind so well is not HVM material.

Title	Avoiding me?
Author	Patient-Character
Upvotes	25
Comments	76
Date	April 12, 2020 4:21 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fzpxxw/avoiding_me/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/avoiding-me.678523 https://theredarchive.com/post/678523

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