Caution when dating single dads

lightbluemind · 2020-03-22T00:44:19+00:00

And frankly? If he's having you meet/interact with his kids early on, that's a quick and easy sign that he is a LVM and a shitty dad. It can be seriously traumatic for kids to meet an adult, bond with an adult, maybe even start to love and feel loved by an adult...and then have that connection severed because their dad broke up with her. I know we've talked about keeping men away from our kids until we've thoroughly vetted them (at least partially to suss out any pedophiles dating single moms for access to their kids), but HV single dads (who theoretically exist) should be doing the same thing to protect their kids from the trauma of forming relationships that the kids themselves will almost inevitably be unable to sustain. If you meet his kids early on, red flag. If he wants you to be Mommy from day one, run!

JoyJonesIII · 2020-03-22T01:13:50+00:00

When I was single, my strict rule was no men with kids, or an ex-wife, for all the reasons stated above. And also remember that if he wants to see his kids regularly, you can never live where you want. Nope, you have to live where the ex is. No way would I put up with that.

VikingPug · 2020-03-21T23:49:44+00:00

So much this. 👆🏻 Just broke up with one of these guys. Ex wife was high conflict, he’s passive and I didn’t know until a couple months in. It’s NO ones goal to be a stepmom. Single dads have tons of baggage with their ex’s and I’m not up for that drama. I told him to put up boundaries because he was going to lose me and he did nothing. They really should get back together as they are both low value people. NOPE, NO single dads ever again...EVER!

I posted about this on the stepparents subreddit and I got a ton of upvotes. Don’t become a step parent. It’s a lot of work for nothing.

https://sharischreiber.com/the-good-wife/ A great reference.

It’s also disturbing how many 20 something child free women are hooking up with 30 year old plus men with children...WTH!

theperfectsunflower · 2020-03-21T23:01:18+00:00

When I spoke openly before about never dating men with kids, the men around me tried to question me into feeling guilty and I said, “I’m selfish and I want all the attention on me”. I didn’t budge one bit. It is MY standard.

GraveyardH2020 · 2020-03-22T01:49:10+00:00

Completely totally agree with this. I regret ever getting involved with a guy with kids. It was by far the singular worst experience of my life.

Other point to consider, if you want children yourself, they will never be his only or number one priority. When I have kids of my own, I realized I want the other person to be 100% focused only on our kids the same way I will be.

I’ve read on here before that “the greatest gift you can give your kids is who their father is.” At the very least choose someone who will be completely focused and devoted to them.

Hennyyenni · 2020-03-21T23:32:16+00:00

I don’t have kids and I don’t date dudes with kids. I’m not even much of a kid person, I’m uncomfortable with them as I grew up as an only child and any little ones in the extended family are in a whole different country. Don’t like the weird baby mama/baby daddy fetish in our culture. The whole whining and complaining about the other parent yet they were good enough to impregnate/be impregnated by. The baggage, the idea that another woman’s kid will always be number 1 and to an extent that woman/bond. Hell to the no.

But I’m not a motherly person in general. I see babies and toddlers and everyone is cooing at them and I’m just trying to look literally anywhere else. So I definitely have no business dating a single dad.

Also yeah it seems like a thankless job where you’re expected to deal with/take care of and financially/mentally support an ungrateful brat (I know I was an ungrateful brat when I was a kid) but it’s not your place to make any decisions concerning their well being or tell them what to do. And look at the Aita sub if you’re a stepparent doing anything than sucking up the kid or letting them stomp all over you, you’re the worst person ever. No thank you

MuffinSongs · 2020-03-22T13:40:52+00:00

Almost No woman who has a child with a man just up and leaves for no reason. Single dads, in general, were insufferable assholes to their wives/partners at one time in their past. For a sustained amount of time. They were consistent enough at being an asshole that the woman had to leave.

BrooklynBabe33 · 2020-03-22T02:20:43+00:00

Single dads should date single moms

tellmesomething11 · 2020-03-22T03:58:24+00:00

I totally felt this way when I was child free. Like why would I date a man with a child? No. I now have children if my own, and have dated men with children, and some without. Here’s my take:

The ones with kids were always trashing their ex, and were offended because I’m not enemies with my ex husband.

The ones with kids seriously brought up having kids all the time... like wtf, you have two kids, I have twins, that enough damn kids and I don’t want a family of five or six or whatever.

The ones with kids tried to “drop” them when they wanted to hang out with me. No. You supposed to be with your damn kids in Wednesdays, we ain’t going out on a date on Wednesday, the fuck?!? Spend time with your child.

The ones without were okay, but they usually were trying to pressure me to have a child with them because I’m responsible. I find it highly annoying to be sought after because I’m taking care of my kids, don’t have a psycho ex, and taking care of myself. This does not mean I will get pregnant within 3 months of meeting, NO.

Rant over

myousername · 2020-03-22T19:35:09+00:00

Single dads should just date single moms.

But no, most don't want to do that, because they want a fun single childless woman he can escape to whenever he doesn't feel like being a parent.

MagicAte_8 · 2020-03-22T05:47:47+00:00

You'll be in a weird position where you will have all the, responsibility of being a parent but none of the power.

SO TRUE! Hell, even women who want kids MUST judge the attitude and personality of a man's children before committing to him as well.

Little Jimmy is only 13 but has multiple run ins with law enforcement? PASS! These kids have lacked meaningful parental oversight during every year of their lives and yet a random woman unrelated to them is supposed to garner their respect at the drop of a hat?? Impossible.

Deborrah Cooper's take is that women should next single fathers unless his kids are already exceedingly well-behaved...which is like only 10% of children of single parents.

Dating Tips #11 - Dating Single Parents With Bad Ass Children

rinabean · 2020-03-22T14:20:15+00:00

Dating a single father, you will be expected to be the new mommy no matter what he says.

I saw a post a while ago on AITA where a dad was asking if he was right to be upset at his childless younger girlfriend for going out with her friends on a weekend that he had his kids. He thought she would stay and help him because he didn’t want to be lonely while watching them.

Everyone called him out for being mad that he has to spend time with his own children. How are you a grown man and you can’t even handle your two kids by yourself?

9penguin · 2020-03-22T17:27:26+00:00

Ever since I know how men truly feel about single mothers, I start to view single dads the same way. Single dads are men who are finally forced to be a parent, let them parent their kids for once and for real, never help them.

--wellDAM-- · 2020-03-22T18:41:02+00:00

WRONG.

you’re right on every aspect of being expected to work and pay for his ass, but a mans priorities will NEVER be his kids.

I know a ton of single dads and I will tell you the two reasons they have anything to do with their kids.

1- They pay their exes child support, and if they are less involved they will have to pay more. They dont want to pay more. It’s sunk cost theory but with people. They will eat shitty food because they already paid for it. Might as well. They wear an ugly ass shirt because they’re too lazy to bother to look better. They are as careless, emotionally retarded and avoidant, as selfish and as irresponsible as every other man out there.

They do not nourish, educate, respect, anticipate needs of, or love these children and their only priority is not paying the ex any more than they’re already court ordered to.

And 2- They may put on the frosting and dote on the kids in front of new women, but it’s a big juicy night crawler on a lure. Bait.

Since their mommy maid left their deadbeat ass, and their new mommy the court system assigned them a little time with the kids, they just do it. Laziness. Too lazy to be a good dad, too lazy to be a good partner, too selfish to be a good anything except a good liar, and a fucking maze of smoke and mirrors.

If you eat the bait, they have another slave to labor over their skid marked boxers and do their grocery shopping. They can’t take care of anyone, but they can pretend.

So yes, you will be effectively enslaved by these losers, but not because they love their kids. They don’t. If these fuckers loved their kids, they wouldn’t have gotten divorced from the mom, they’d have loved her too or at least treated her right.

Imagine what the average woman puts up with. Now realize these men are worse than the ones still married.

And if a high value woman left him, saw him as dirty water, how the fuck are you going to come drink from that puddle and be high value?

No stay away from these snakes and losers but understand well they do not give a shit about their kids. And the only connection he has with his ex is that of a man who lost his favorite piece of furniture, who lost his abuse victim.

Davina33 · 2020-03-22T08:45:05+00:00

Oh yes. Am a child free woman. Once dated a single dad with 2 daughters and 3 grandchildren. Never again! My boyfriend is also child free.

helena939392 · 2020-03-21T23:19:06+00:00

Also it's highly likely you get cheated on with the baby mama, as they often tend to not be over the relationship just like the daddy, and their only issues were probably the problems of baby years etc. Been there done that, never god damn again.

--wellDAM-- · 2020-03-22T18:46:52+00:00

And another thing: “if he’s so shit of a dad, why does the ex let him see the kids at all??”

And the answer to that is this:

Working and raising kids as a single mom is so fucking exhausting that if the court orders a babysitter occasionally (you can’t afford one otherwise) then you might as well just let them go. He’s legally required to keep the kids alive, fed, and return them safely.

Women carry the entire load of all of society on their backs. The only help they get from men is court ordered in divorce. You take that shit.

grimreapersdtr · 2020-03-22T21:09:39+00:00

It seems that a lot of them purposely date so they can find a live in nanny-housekeeper.

WinterMist44 · 2020-03-22T21:30:23+00:00

How you feel about older people with adult kids? Because I feel like a lot of these points won't apply then.

Ms_Snicket · 2020-03-23T04:44:11+00:00

I was against it wholesale, but as I've gotten older there's a very specific type of single dad I'd allow.

The mother must be deceased and he must have had a good relationship with her prior.
The kid(s) must be too young to remember her, and there can be a max of 2.
He must want more kids and marriage.

No single dad has all 3.

DrMcFoxyMD · 2020-03-22T02:53:19+00:00

While I agree with you and understand where it comes from there are exceptions to every rule. I dated and married a single Dad. I do not compete for his attention and his ex has been out of the picture, aside from shared custody, for 12 years. I established early that I am not a babysitter and will not be a stand in Mommy. I do not participate in funding his child’s life and, unfortunately for her, will always be putting my own child first.

He’s not extremely active in the child’s life and we only have her every other weekend. He’s a good Dad when she’s around but it does not interfere with our relationship much.

It takes a unique man and the ability to completely establish boundaries and be very vocal and open. She will be 18 in 6 years and is barely an issue now, so it is definitely something I can deal with for that long.

I don’t care about child support or what he spends on her because I am perfectly capable of making my own money. She is a child and a human being. If nothing else I can at least be a positive role model in her life.

Queen_Anne_Boleyn · 2020-03-22T17:15:24+00:00

So my guy had 4 kids, one has passed away (RIP Christian). Two of them are adults, the other 2 are 17-ish. And their mothers scattered all other the country after the break-ups. One moved to Florida the other to California. I've met the 2 oldest, and I've met his 2 granddaughters, so precious. My son is the same age as his oldest son and we both agree, kids come first. That said though, for bother him and I, if it came down to me or the mother of one of his kids, he'd pick me in a heartbeat, because he has in the oast.

Title	Caution when dating single dads
Author	MonicaLSolis
Upvotes	133
Comments	47
Date	March 21, 2020 6:59 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fmk3rb/caution_when_dating_single_dads/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/caution-when-dating-single-dads.679812 https://theredarchive.com/post/679812

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