Divorcee's and Dating

apple_cores · 2022-02-21T22:05:50+00:00

Even tho I’ve never been married/divorced, I’d would want to know if the person I’m dating is divorced. Most of the time, divorce is not as clean cut as it’s been in your case and I don’t want any surprises of them still pining after their ex, etc. I don’t see anything wrong in stating you are divorced and that bridge is burned, so to speak. And also asking them if they’ve ever been married. You aren’t sharing specific details, but it’s courteous and important to many people to know a detail like that.

ceramicunicorn · 2022-02-21T20:39:17+00:00

I am not sure how to advise so I’ll be interested in what others have to say. I will point out that every man I have dated- once it came up- was very interested in the math part of the divorce. This included someone who apparently thought we were on a date and I thought we were just hanging out as friends (because he asked to “hang out”, not “go on a date”…you know, it’s more “chill” that way I guess).

They didn’t really ask about the reasons- “it didn’t work out” usually suffices- but there was always digging for dates. So, when did you marry, when did it end, how old are you now, so they could mentally calculate the age I was at the time of the marriage, how long it lasted, and how long it’s been since the marriage ended. I find it excessive until you’ve been dating someone for a while, and I’m not sure what the whole obsession with the numbers is about, with a woman he doesn’t even know is interested in him yet/who he has no plans to commit to anyway. I’ll point out that this is always explored before I’m even asked if there were kids (there were not).

So I’m inclined to not bring it up until I know he is serious in intent. If he asks, I won’t lie. I will not play the games with the numbers though, and say we can get into personal histories once we are serious about getting to know each other for romantic involvement. Fwiw, one of my guy friends has been in an FWB thing with a woman for 2 years, and he still doesn’t know the dates other than how they only had recently separated prior to their thing. He doesn’t know how old she was when she married or how long it lasted or the ex’s name. And he has not pushed for that info.

herbivorouscarnivore · 2022-02-21T23:05:59+00:00

Somewhere, there are men who were like I was many years ago: they just don’t want to date somebody who is divorced. (I can go into my reasons from back then, if anyone is curious.) I’d feel deceived if I was dating a man and he eventually dropped that he was divorced. Even now that it’s not necessarily a dealbreaker, I feel it’s a lie by omission.

Carneliancat · 2022-02-21T21:03:22+00:00

I'm divorced. I have no problem saying so. Everyone, LVM and HVM men included, know that a woman does not throw out a good man. If he knows I'm divorced, then that is as good as stating outright that I don't accept shit treatment and will leave if he doesn't hold up his end and treat me as I deserve to be treated.

It's a privilege to be able to get a divorce. So, so many women in our past have had no ability to leave the terrible marriages that took everything from them.

I_was_there_for_you · 2022-02-22T01:48:32+00:00

I stopped mentioning it on the first couple dates but would mention it by date three. I’m in the same boat in that we were young, had no assets or kids so it was like any other long term relationship breakup, just with some extra paperwork. No contact and the bridge is burned. It was completely his fault so the reasoning doesn’t look bad on me.

It’ll bother extremely religious men but otherwise I never really had any problems. What’s most awkward is going over to families houses and they still have pictures displayed that your ex is in.

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2022-02-21T21:56:14+00:00

I think FDS says that talking about exes is a no no for the first few months.

Even then, don't reveal the details or any trauma of that split.

For instance, my ex husband died two months after we divorced. He was a complete nightmare psychopath and I hope he's burning in hell. To any date I would say "oh, we just grew apart because we got together so young."

gingerandlime · 2022-02-21T22:18:55+00:00

You know what, I have always disclosed that I’m divorced early on, first or second date, but I’m thinking I will ease back on that. It doesn’t vet dates in any particularly effective way, and I tend to find myself presenting it as a potential red flag about myself for them to “accept”. It’s not a red flag, it’s a difficult part of my past, and maybe someone needs to build my trust in them before I will discuss it. I’ll keep thinking about this.

sewingmachinesavior · 2022-02-21T22:05:29+00:00

I’m twice divorced. I always tell. If you turn out to be a bad apple, I WILL LEAVE YOU. Unsaid, of course. I def get some judgement sometimes. But whatever. All my children are from marriage 2.

saint-jezebel · 2022-02-22T00:16:08+00:00

I experimented with this and the perfect answer for me was to never mention it. Or deny it. Reason being because men focus on it and use it as a way to gauge whether they can use and abuse you or if you’re NWTS. My examples.

Guy one: I told him and my answer was succinct. It didn’t work out, but he already knew he had to come with his stuff together. He had yellow flags that turned into red flags so that was that.

Guy two: probed and I let him ask his dumb questions. They all centered around why it ended and how long we were married and how me leaving affected me. He stated he wanted to gauge “if I was ready to date” so I continued to play his stupid game. On the date, he asked “if I loved him, would I leave him?” And I told him absolutely 😀. His whole face dropped. He asked stupid questions and made dumb comments where I continued to play stupid and basically he revealed he wanted a women but moreso to string her along; she couldn’t be strong enough to leave. He knew I wasn’t with it and it showed.

Last couple guys, I revealed nothing and they just revealed themselves faster. I’ll stick with not telling anything until I’m comfortable. When men meet you, they still don’t like you so they care if you’re divorced. Give it time and once they like you enough, they won’t care you’re divorced.

whiskey_and_oreos · 2022-02-21T21:20:58+00:00

Same boat. No kids, no shared assets, never changed my name, haven't had any contact since everything was finalized.

I haven't started dating yet so I'm not really sure how to handle it. Eventually previous relationships will be loosely discussed so probably then in very general terms? I don't plan to hide it or lie by omission because I think how a man responds to this information is a great vetting tool. But I'm also not about to announce it on first or even fifth dates as it just isn't a major part of my life anymore.

samedinuitmort · 2022-02-21T21:27:37+00:00

A few months in when this kind of info makes sense to disclose, it could be something like “I was actually married to my ex. Why did we divorce? He was actually great, but he cheated so I couldn’t possibly stay with him.”

Thoughts? I’m curious about this circumstance myself, I don’t have any experience with it!

candyfox84 · 2022-02-21T23:34:28+00:00

It’s tricky with anything so personal, which may also bring up a lot of past hurt. I have infertility and I’ve tended to bring that up if I feel like we’re entering legitimate dating territory. Otherwise it feels too personal to disclose. I don’t bring it up unless I’m emotionally ready to expound on it, I guess, especially answering any follow up questions. I assume divorce is about the same.

highoncatnipbrownies · 2022-02-22T09:41:48+00:00

I don't bring it up for a while because, like you, there were no children or property in my marriage so it makes zero difference on my current life.

Also I've found that guys obsess with how long it's been since I've slept with someone else... I put some real space in between dating and it turns into this return to virginity holy grail.

Spittens · 2022-02-22T19:24:24+00:00

I wait until they ask, then I tell them straight up.

When they ask "Why [did the marriage end]?" I answer "He cheated. Cheaters won't change so I ended it."

I mean, the nvm-ex did way more to me than that, the cheating was merely the last straw that gave me solid proof to give the courts - but giving out that info before a man is thoroughly vetted and proven will not serve my interests like a short and simple 'I yeeted him the first time he showed me he was garbage' does.

katiekat0214 · 2022-02-22T19:09:46+00:00

I was so proud and happy to leave my LV ex, I happily stated I was divorced! I'd wait a while first; you don't want to have blood in the water. Everyone has a story, and if I met someone who said he was divorced, I'd make sure both our histories came up sometime after the first few dates just to see if we're compatible, what actually happened, how much responsibility he took for the breakup. I'm happy to share information, too, but as we all know, you just don't want to share too much too soon. When you do talk about your reasons, use it as a vetting tool, too. I divorced him for a, b, c, etc. reasons; I'd also state those are dealbreakers. Ask him what his dealbreakers are. Having this conversation is a way to let you know if you're on the same page, have the same likes and dislikes, etc.

Specific example: Jack and I both divorced. Our ex-spouses were very controlling people, and we were more easy-going. We talked about how we both believed no adult should ever give orders to another adult, and doing so was condescending, infantilizing, and took away agency. Loved how we were on the same page about it. We talked about how we believed far more in talking things over, asking first, reaching compromises that made sure no one ever felt they were sacrificing. We both agreed that most sacrifices lead to resentment, so the vast majority of the time, not worth it, unless it was very short term and temporary.

Ghost_namesake · 2022-02-23T02:45:03+00:00

It's not something I advertise. I don't have any children or ties to my ex, so it's not like it changes anything. He's been blocked in every sense from my life. It's something that would be appropriate to talk about at the right stage of your relationship. You'll have to decide when you reach that stage.

Title	Divorcee's and Dating
Author	tryingbutfailing2223
Upvotes	128
Comments	25
Date	February 21, 2022 8:14 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/sy36x7/divorcees_and_dating/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/divorcees-and-dating.1103634 https://theredarchive.com/post/1103634

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