No more free labour for men

Singular-cat-lady · 2020-11-16T13:59:17+00:00

Can I just say how much I appreciate seeing threads like this without someone saying how sexist this is and playing the "not all men" card? If I find a man who performs emotional labor for me, I'd love to return the favor, but it doesn't come for free. I do these things for my women friends because I know they do them for me. Somehow the men in my life always thought they could just take take take and then say "thanks, bye" when they felt better without giving anything in return.

PinkBlair99 · 2020-11-16T13:46:16+00:00

This sub has made me ice out a dude I considered a friend whom I’ve been talking to almost daily online for FOUR YEARS. Like,,,why??? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Thanks. ❄️💎💙

Queencake504 · 2020-11-16T18:10:07+00:00

A guy i was seeing tried to push me into the frienzone and I cut contact. We didn't speak for a while and now he is trying to creep back into my life Yasss!You too?Mines managed to suck a year and 3 months of my time and emotional labor from me and then tried to friendzone me .After having "dumped" me by text at that🙄He was blocked on everything and i occasionally get a weird text from different numbers trying to weasel his dusty azz back .Im with you ,IF YOU DON'T WANT ME LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. **Period.👑

SimoneDoesnotCare · 2020-11-16T14:46:19+00:00

oh god same here. "because i really like to be friends with you" is his only explanation about forcing his way back into my life. i don't want your friendzone. we won't be friends. i don't need you as a friend.

and it was TWO WEEKS after I had enough and cut contacts. told him i didn't want to engage anymore when he was pushy.

"but i really like being your friend"

sstena · 2020-11-16T13:33:50+00:00

Well said. It feels great having someone team up with you to sort out your problems together. Realize when you provide that for someone else it is a very valuable experience. Don't give it to selfish men so easily.

Partypuppers · 2020-11-16T16:19:15+00:00

I've been more careful about this and went from wanting to be friends with literally EVERYONE (cringe), to being more selective with who I make an effort for and consider a friend. FDS has had that effect on me as I now vet people from colleagues to dentists to new acquaintances in a similar way to how I would vet a potential romantic partner i.e. by asking are they providing value to my life? Do they respect me? Are they invested in my happiness? Do they make an effort for me?

In hindsight, these questions are so fundamentally basic and simple I wonder why I didn't use them to be more discerning when I was younger. I was trying to get everyone to like me, even people who didn't deserve my respect or attention/ company.

I do have a few close guy friends in my life now but they do emotional labour for me in equal amounts to the emotional labour I do for them. I was sexually assaulted as a child so it's taken me a really long time to be able to trust men to a point where I can have a platonic relationship with them and feel like I can rely on them. That doesn't go for every man, only certain men who have proven themselves to me and haven't tried to push an agenda.

I'm proud of my progress and will definitely only continue to match the energies of people who provide value for me.

Cel_Gabe · 2020-11-16T18:56:41+00:00

Lovely <3

I did this in my mid twenties since almost all of my male "friends" were guilty of this. The majority of my interactions with men in those years were mainly one sided, with me doing the effort. Sadly I realized in hindsight that I was socialized to do so from my family. My current relationships with my brother and my father exist solely because of my labour.

I'm a lot more iffy now. My time is precious.

cremebruleecakes · 2020-11-16T17:58:58+00:00

BLOCK👏🏽 AND👏🏽 DELETE👏🏽

MakeURegret · 2020-11-16T14:56:34+00:00

"facetime with me and help me pick out glasses"

Lol, not even a question, a demand. What a jerk.

heliodrome · 2020-11-16T15:59:44+00:00

I had one of these lingering for close to three years. I guess I’m a slow learner, but during the start of the pandemic, when he was requesting my free labor, it finally dawned on me. I should have simply blocked him, but I still had an emotional conversation with him in which I begged him to please never contact me again. Not my finest hour and it felt really bad for me, but he hasn’t dared to bother me again and my life was better from that point on.

Danbut15 · 2020-11-16T16:34:46+00:00

Lmao I feel this to my core! I’ve had old high school dudes hit me up and try to chat me up. They always come in with the disguise of “friendship” when in reality they just are desperate for female attention. I groan when men try to do this, you’re wasting my energy and time. I won’t entertain you because I really don’t give a shit about you dude. Literally the other day this happened to me, he messaged me on FB, sent multiple messages when I didn’t respond, then went through my profile liking all of my old posts. It was hella uncomfortable because this dude that I haven’t talked to or seen in YEARS is blowing up my shit because... he hasn’t made any new friends since high school? Yeah right dude, I told him I’m uncomfortable and would rather leave this cordial. He went nice guy on me and said he’s not a creep or a freak, even tho I never directly said that to him, so obviously he’s aware of his intentions. He was blocked shortly after.

slythergin23 · 2020-11-16T17:49:57+00:00

so true. i told a guy i was cool with us being friends, since we got along super well. and surprise, surprise... he immediately started unloading his trauma. and I'm like ????? what are you expecting me to do? play therapist? fuck right off.

2020-11-16T17:30:03+00:00

Ego boost. They love it.

missisabelarcher · 2020-11-16T23:10:40+00:00

My last therapist and I talked a lot about emotional labor, and one helpful exercise she gave me was to make a list of all the specific things I did that counted as family or relationship admin or emotional labor, i.e. "Remembering to buy birthday cards" or "Be a sounding board" or "Remind significant other to make doctor appointment" or even "Practice good manners." Then I made a list of people in my life who I did emotional labor for. Then we went through the lists, decided who was entitled to my labor, and decided what I would and would not do for each person. It made me realize just how much women do, and be intentional about doing these things and who I will do things for. I just don't go "above and beyond" for just anyone anymore, especially if it's not reciprocal. You can still be a kind and generous person, just way choosier about who gets to benefit from that. Some people just don't deserve it.

Spittens · 2020-11-16T18:06:34+00:00

Had a guy who was selling his house talking to me earlier this year. He found out I was a painter in another life (I out myself through college that way). Wanted to feed me dinner in exchange for helping him paint. Ghosted that dude really damn quick. We hadn't even been on our first date yet!

I've had to really edit the amount of work I let people bum off me because they're my 'friend'. The pandemic has made it so much easier lol.

tiavarga · 2020-11-17T01:14:12+00:00

Let’s not forget the married & taken men that pester and try to talk to you because they want female attention. Or even if they are single and they try to get you to acknowledge them. I tend to ignore most people as I’m a busy woman. And If I see a ring, I am especially paying you dust. They act like toddlers when they don’t get attention, too. I told one guy who would not leave me alone while I was picking up some food to call his wife if he needed something, as I am busy and he put on shocked Pikachu face.

UnstrirringCoffee · 2020-11-16T17:27:28+00:00

I got this at work. A co-worker will complain constantly toward me about all sorts of shit, but won't to the manager who can actually affect change. Ugh.

Title	No more free labour for men
Author	AlannaAshkar
Upvotes	427
Comments	36
Date	November 16, 2020 1:15 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/jv6ju7/no_more_free_labour_for_men/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/no-more-free-labour-for-men.736596 https://theredarchive.com/post/736596

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