On dying alone:

honeybadgerattitude · 2022-01-07T13:07:25+00:00

Yeah I agree. I’ll never forget this couple where I looked after the wife in a nursing home. We all thought it was so sweet that her husband would come and see her every day and sit with just her in the sun room while she had her meals. But she had dementia and was losing weight inexplicably then we eventually realised that HE WAS STEALING HER FOOD!!!!! He came in every day just to eat the food that was for her. So much for the cute elderly couple still in love!

ItsFreezen · 2022-01-07T13:03:48+00:00

"Most men do not provide caregiving when their partners get sick"
This 100% Truth.

herbivorouscarnivore · 2022-01-07T15:46:15+00:00

I never believed that I needed a man to be fulfilled, and being married to a HVM (RIP) only solidified that. It’s better tone alone than with someone who occupies space and potentially makes my life more stressful and difficult.

xpressurself111 · 2022-01-07T14:47:20+00:00

Ladies: the biggest steps to not being financially dependent on anyone are getting a snapshot of your net worth, spending habits, and goals. The next step is aggressively paying off debts. Max all tax advantages accounts you can for retirement and always take advantage of company matches for these accounts. Then grow your nest egg/save for house down payment.

A debt free women with her next 3-6 months of expenses in the bank has many fewer reasons to stay in any position that doesn’t benefit it. Jobs, location, relationships, etc.

Get yourself going. Regardless of religious beliefs, a great step by step guide is the Dave Ramsey Baby Steps. The information is free online. No need to buy or support anything - just get a plan, never plan on a man!

lilarose8 · 2022-01-07T16:45:27+00:00

Thank you for this! I laughed so much when I read “most women outlive their husbands anyway”, I’m tucking this one away to use next time I hear this comment! I see people, especially men, use this phrase often on the dating over 40 sub. As a divorced woman with grown children, my main priority is not to live my life as half of a couple. If I find an amazing guy who meets my standards, awesome! Otherwise I’d much rather stay single. And I certainly won’t “die alone” in the sense these scrotes are referring to, I have two kind and loving sons, a soon to be wonderful daughter in law, and likely will have grandkids one day. I have my sister who’s my best friend and my little nephew, and I continue to build my circle of supportive female friends. Being single does not equal being alone. I’ll be proud to end my life surrounded by those I’ve loved over the years and most certainly will not be alone.

Kpow1311 · 2022-01-07T14:22:56+00:00

Agreeing with this 💯. Especially after witnessing the piss poor job my Uncle did "caring" for my bedridden/hospice Aunt this past year. My mom and I still suspect he overdosed her to get rid of her because he got tired of dealing with it. They were married for over 40 years. Her two daughters (my cousin's) were pretty absent also. We gotta look out for ourselves y'all.

Commercial_Place9807 · 2022-01-07T23:21:09+00:00

I’d also like to point out as a nurse who has worked in elder care that sons rarely provide the same care and support that daughters do. I can’t tell you how many times I assumed an elderly resident who was rarely visited either didn’t have kids or had them living far away only to learn that they only had sons.

samedinuitmort · 2022-01-07T12:33:02+00:00

Awesome post! And to add, here is the thought that helped me realize the whole dying alone fear is not that important:

When you sleep beside a man you (hopefully) love, you might be scared every night of waking up beside his dead body.

I know I had that fear about my husband.

So really, there’s fear of death in every choice - alone or partnered. Might as well make the choice that gives me the best living experience!

Amazing_Wolverine_37 · 2022-01-07T21:16:51+00:00

My grandma outlived her husband by 30 years. Her children were good enough to literally take care of her at the end with minimal help but she also spent a decade in a managed care environment. You gotta get that money independently. I myself have been leaving jobs left and right and block and delete at my delight. You can set yourself up for that kind of success! No matter where you are that core of independence will help you get where you need to be.

katiekat0214 · 2022-01-07T14:38:53+00:00

As a widow who's outlived my older husband, and it's been five years, yes, I agree. However, that said, I really don't much care if relatives put me in a home. I know it takes a LOT to provide care, and I wouldn't expect that at all, were I to be disabled, or need help with personal grooming. That's precisely when you go into a home, because they pay people to do that. Of course I'd like to live at home right up to the end.

Personal financial planning is the best. I'm 53, but I don't have the type of insurance for nursing home care, and I don't know if I'll get it. To be honest, I have every intention of dying doing something I love, preferably travel! As the Dowager Countess said in Downton Abbey, "I'll be fine until I'm not."

Dey_la_soul · 2022-01-07T14:31:39+00:00

Sooo true! I’m so grateful that I know that it is up to me to set up my life so that I’m cared for in my old age and in sickness. If I ever get married, we will plan so that he will have outsourced care as well.

I have a friend whose father just died (3 months after her mother’s death). The kids put him in an expensive nursing home because nobody had time to take care of him. Her mother was taking care of her father for 10 years while he had dementia and had deteriorated to the point he was blind and could no longer walk. Sadly, her mother died of cancer three months ago. I asked my friend if her father understood that his wife died. She told me that she thinks so but sometimes he would randomly shout out “Sarah come trim my nose hairs” or other similar orders to her mom. That made me so sad for her mom.

melympia · 2022-01-07T21:10:59+00:00

As someone who professionaly works in the care profession (and most of my clients/patients are elderly):

most women outlive thier husband's by at least five years, so you'll "die alone" anyway.

Very true. Most of our clients are female for a reason.

If you're one of the women who is actually outlived by her husband (congrats?) he will put you in a facility when you start to deteriorate. That's if he's a good person.

Not necessarily. Men who stick around until old age usually don't do that unless they absolutely have to. I know of three couples where the woman was taken care of at home (mostly by the husband, but there also with some hired help) - and two of them literally had to have their wives put in a facility because they were too frail and more help wasn't available for them to take care of their wives. Both husbands were heartbroken about it. If you have a husband who still is with you in your 70s or 80s, it's quite likely he will not put you away lightly.

Often it's just impossible for elderly people to provide quality care for their spouses. So he'll end up hiring help anyway.

And do you know why? Because a man who has trouble standing on his own two feet - much less walk on them - simply cannot support his wife when she's walking (and prone to falling). Because a frail man cannot turn his wife around in bed to literally wipe her ass. And a number of other things. This isn't because they don't want to, it's because they can't.

Also, in most cases where a partner has to leave their husband or wife in an institution, there's dementia involved - and at a late stage at that. Taking care of someone with progressed dementia is more work than taking care of a toddler. If a toddler walks somewhere dangerous for them (like stairs), you simply pick them up and place them elsewhere. Try that with an 80kg (160+ pound) adult... When a toddler does something they shouldn't, you tell them no sternly and maybe take away whichever utensil they were using. They'll learn and outgrow this eventually. With a person with dementia, all you know is that they won't ever get better, only worse.

And, yes, I know enough couples where the woman hired help for taking care of their husbands - for the very same reasons, too.

Sorry for the rant.

However, I agree that we need to take care of ourselves first - because we need to admit the chance that nobody else will. And, honestly, I wouldn't want my only child to throw away her life for years or - worst case - decades to take care of me.

frustratedmarxistfem · 2022-01-08T08:49:47+00:00

To be fair I think people actually mean "you'll live through your elder years alone" when they say this, but thats still reality for the majority of women whether they married or not

Muffcakelord · 2022-01-10T02:47:52+00:00

Also no matter what bluepilled manbabies tell themselves, we all must die alone and by ourselves. Family may even hold our hand but ultimately, spiritually/mentally, death is something we face by ourselves.

When i imagine death i feel so comfy and happy. When i imagine death "alone", i imagine being in a silent room by myself with 0 thoughts - that's scary. However that's not the case if you're used to thinking and having an inner voice or even dialogue. Dying alone is scary for dumb people or people who don't trust and love themselves. If you are your own friend you have nothing to worry about!

Yes that's a threat 🔫

Love yourself or feel fear 😠

Title	On dying alone:
Author	Frogspocket
Upvotes	388
Comments	25
Date	January 7, 2022 12:25 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ry6a0g/on_dying_alone/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/on-dying-alone.1094163 https://theredarchive.com/post/1094163

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