Something a little different - Teaching our young girls how to protect themselves

m4dam3x · 2019-11-13T18:20:39+00:00

The issue of older predatory men and the common things they do/say

HannahIsAHustler · 2019-11-13T18:36:14+00:00

Oh maaaan I wish I had this growing up!

-Setting limits, knowing how to say no and feeling comfortable saying no.

-If they do end up at some point sending nudes as minors, telling their parents or another trusted adult.

-Knowing that they are soo lucky to be receiving this extra education and to spread what they learn.

Edit, sorry for the formatting. On my phone and unsure how to space it

extraacct1234 · 2019-11-13T20:15:57+00:00

Many girls are raped on dates when they let the man pick them up, he drives her somewhere without her consent and either physically forces her or blackmails her saying he won't take her home until she has sex with him.

Some men will rape you if you say no to sex or certain sex acts, or even if you ask for more foreplay before sex. A big rapist red flag is if they keep asking for things you already said no to.

Suicide threats to stay in a relationship or have sex. Other manipulation tactics like whining, crying, "if you loved me you would".

Many girls are raped by a boss or coworker at their first job, be very careful here and don't stay at a job where no one has your back.

throwaway7655679 · 2019-11-13T18:42:36+00:00

you are awesome for doing this. we need to teach girls that looks don’t determine their worth as human beings. Self esteem is so important, it will protect a girl from manipulation tactics like gaslighting and negging.

ponchoacademy · 2019-11-13T19:50:07+00:00

Oh there's a few of us on here... My daughter is in her 20s :)

From my experience, it's a conscious effort to make this an ongoing conversation. When I went on a date where a guy behaved inappropriately, I'd tell her what happened (details as age appropriate) and why it's not something to put up with and that I won't be seeing him again.

If something came up on the news, or she mentioned something at school, we'd discuss it, how to handle being in that situation, and what she can do to handle herself with respect.

When the song Blurred Lines came out, I was bursting with pride when she angrily asked me if I heard it, and sat me down to Google the lyrics, tearing it apart line by line how disrespectful it is to women. To this day she can't look at Robyn without mumbling he's a douchebag. She does not forget!!!

Hey whole life I've taken her out for dinner, I didn't have much but it meant a lot to me to share experiences together. I couldn't afford to get her much but if I knew she really wanted something I'd save up and do everything I could to provide it. And I told her, don't ever let some guy say he can't afford to take you out or do nice things for you. Everyone can afford effort and you're worth it.

On her first date, the guy asked her where she'd like to go for dinner and she unapologetically chose her favorite restaurant. Not fast food. After dinner when he tried to kiss her, she felt zero obligation to and told him that she had a nice time but does not want to kiss him. Honestly, even after everything I taught her, I was still floored and was all woooah!!! And then what happened?! Lol She said he looked really disappointed, but she gave him a, I'm dead serious don't try me look, he thanked her for the date and that was that.

That she had no concept of not allowing anyone to disrespect her, she has no issues with what she is or is not worth. Any red flag and she nopes out. She also knows the importance of doing things with finesse... While she won't appear weak, she is not aggressive either. She's seen from my experience how a guy can get when his ego is bruised, I've been stalked and guys have gotten violent, so while she won't stick around, she handles things in a way to get away with as little drama as possible.

So yeah, it wasn't really a one off thing but a lifetime of making sure she had the confidence, esteem and respect for herself to not allow being treated in one way when she knew she deserves better than that. It all comes naturally to her without a second thought. She's all the stuff I wish I could be...I still have to make a conscious effort and nowadays she's the one pointing out red flags I don't catch. :)

husheveryone · 2019-11-13T19:31:44+00:00

How men use women also in non-sexual ways that aren’t often flagged as being per se “bad” in our society, such as the male strategy of lining up a Girlfriend Appliance (or worse, a Wife Appliance) where they use a woman as a mule to do their domestic and emotional labor, including raising another woman’s children.

Bottom line: research says most women are much happier single than married but NO ONE talks about this fact. Our whole culture legit thinks life is like a Disney movie.

FuturePigeon · 2019-11-13T19:47:04+00:00

I would have loved to have my mom talk to me about the media and it's subtle (and not so subtle) cultural socialization techniques.

I read a post recently about a vintage Battleship advertisement that said "Fun for the Whole Family" but had mom and daughter in the background washing dishes. Although we have improved, the socialization has just become more insidious and subconscious. Just today there was a post of a billboard in Poland advertising hosiery using a battered woman.

Find out which brands are advertising to your children and take a deep look at the messages contained. Talk to them about unhealthy messages and encourage them to speak to you if they are confused or disturbed.

letsberealforamoment · 2019-11-13T20:54:07+00:00

Assertiveness training. Putting THEMSELVES first BEFORE their husband, BF, etc....because Universe knows that they are socialized to do the complete opposite.

That they aren't princesses. That the world wont' see them as a princess, especially the boy they have a crush on. That instead of the princess BS, they are independent, capable ADULTS that can take care of business.

To not feel flattered by male SEXUAL attention....because he is lusting after 30 other women on any given day. She is just the one who happens to be interested back. Male sexual attention is a worthless metric to gauge a man's interest in them.

keep_my_stuff · 2019-11-13T20:29:28+00:00

I would have liked to practice saying no, I don't know, in something like a workshop.

Maybe some of the moms can roleplay a coercive scenario and show some possible responses (saying No, repeating "I said No", leaving).

Edited to Add: I would LOVE to compile a collection of movie clips where women say No.

For example, here in the Alien movie, Ellen's coworkers try to scare her to open the door against protocol (and against her good judgement that if she opens, maybe whatever is wrong with them will kill everyone). She remains calm and says no three times (then the asshole boss overrides the door lock, BUT they didn't get her to budge AND later she asks him why he did that. She doesn't let shit fly. Alien is a great movie)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vC9VuiEa29c&list=PLpmXHyMLR6-rZj2IVPdM4lzkJ-diGNMH9&index=13

throwawaybippitybop · 2019-11-13T23:24:15+00:00

Thank you - you are an AMAZING mama!

Tell her to be mindful of what she puts in her body regarding alcohol and drugs. These are used as tools by men to lower a womans inhibition. Teach her to always be in charge of her her consciousness and how being high or drunk leaves her vulnerable to predators.

Teach her about "lovebombing" and narcissistic behaviours and how to recognise them.

Teach her that if she is every feeling doubtful or uneasy she has every right to walk away from a situation - to ignore protestations from boys or peer pressure that she is "frigid".

lightningboltx · 2019-11-14T00:58:05+00:00

I would suggest letting them know it's okay to be a virgin. They should hold out for someone who actually loves them and wont mistreat. Unfortunately, our society makes people feel bad for being virgins and that's absolutely ridiculous. Don't just throw away sex for the sake of having sex. If the guys in high school are jerks (and most are) tell them it's okay to wait for college and be safe about it. Yeah sex feels great, but only if you're having it safely. Obviously go over protection and to never be peer pressured into having sex without a condom. Sex doesn't make you cool. This is what every young girl needs to know in my eyes. I think you guys are doing a great favor for your kids! Kudos!

paprikadundee · 2019-11-13T22:50:37+00:00

Avoiding creepy older men
Reaching out to girls that they think have issues, if they can
Equivalently not sacrificing themselves in order to be 'nice'; you are allowed and encouraged to put yourself first.
Other women are sisters, not competition
If you have a crush on someone, make a list of why they're terrible too- don't romantically project too hard
treat yourself as if you have a crush on yourself.
the general theme of the Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex book but in age-appropriate terms - don't repress your sexuality (when done right, it is the direct opposite to sleeping around; you just raise your standards to someone who respects you as much as you do; do not pretend to be non-sexual to yourself, but don't be inappropriate in public, etc. Basically teaches to exit the cultural female inhibition mindset without hitting libfem attention-seeking)

wearekinetic · 2019-11-13T20:15:59+00:00

As someone who was trapped in an abusive relationship for years during high school, I think it is REALLY important to emphasize that as a teenager, you DO NOT NEED A BOYFRIEND. Boys will always be there. It is SO romanticized to have a boyfriend when you’re 16, but it is more often than not just a distraction from a young woman’s goals. Not to say you shouldn’t allow them to date, but that it just should never be a priority in their lives so young.

My parents were not very involved in my life as a teen (lots of traveling, I had a car and plenty of money to spend) and in being so absent, essentially allowed this relationship to progress to a level that was dangerous for both my mental and physical well-being. I spent so much time crying and frequently had to leave school early or not go at all because of all the anxiety he created. It was SO not worth it. I was so young and inexperienced that I couldn’t recognize the signs of emotional abuse. I really didn’t know any better.

I really and truly wish I had spent those years more invested in my schoolwork, the sports I played, and my friends. I turned out okay for the most part— I graduated college, have a professional career, and plenty of friends, but the trauma of a relationship from when I was 16-19 is something that I carry with me today (I’m 26 now).

rftw2013 · 2019-11-13T22:45:18+00:00

OMG, this is so good. I wish someone had done this for me as a teen or preteen.

How about covering the great variety of labia that women have, and how it's all normal? Girls may see photoshopped, idealized photos of female genitalia, and wonder why theirs looks different.

Please, please don't think this is weird or creepy. I think it's something young women need to know -- that they are normal "down there."

Winter_Inevitable · 2019-11-13T21:36:08+00:00

This is amazing. You are such a good parent. I wish my mother had given me ANY guidance at all - she never talked to me about how to deal with guys, other than to STAY AWAY from them (lol, maybe she was right?)

paprikadundee · 2019-11-13T23:46:49+00:00

-some realistic information about male and female anatomy and about how sex actually works beyond what one would learn in gym class or from porn

-how if a man acts as though his entire mental state resolves around you this it isn't a compliment, is actually pretty threatening, and does not make you responsible for him

dackaroo · 2019-11-14T03:36:50+00:00

How predators will often "test" their potential victims by pushing more minor boundaries first, giving them orders to see how submissive they are, etc. Give them all a copy of The Gift of Fear!

s_slayer · 2019-11-14T10:43:14+00:00

I tell my teenage daughters to forget about boys and have a great time with their friends. The teens years is not the time to meddle with them. Not these days. The boys are porn sick and seemingly not being raised very well by their fathers. My 15 yr old daughter tells me about the boys in her grade. I’m appalled at the lack of parenting. Men are not teaching their sons anything. Lazy parenting. They just seem to have so few redeeming qualities. I let my daughters know the state of boys these days. It doesn’t seem like it’s going to get better unfortunately. Also, I share with them stories of predatory older men so they know about those cretins as well. None of them are ever going to victimize my daughters. They are onto you.

-dai-zy · 2019-11-14T02:42:35+00:00

Avoiding the [internal] pressure to behave in a flirty/sexual manner in order to get male attention. For me it was almost unconscious behavior. I've always been small for my age and I felt like I needed to act older than I am in order to be taken seriously. This resulted in me "flirting" with boys several years older than I am. Thank God nothing happened to me.

One thing that I try to remind myself is that I can back out of any situation, at any time, for any reason or no reason at all. I try to check in with myself and assess whether I truly feel comfortable and that I'm not in over my head. Sometimes that reassurance is enough in itself.

dackaroo · 2019-11-14T03:34:59+00:00

This piece of advice: If he upset you, he probably upset you on purpose. Told to me by a male family member.

ino_y · 2019-11-14T04:55:19+00:00

imo required reading for all young women

Why Does He Do That, and Come As You Are.

Blackishcat27 · 2019-11-14T16:20:57+00:00

Make sure they know that just because a guy is attracted to them doesn't always mean the male in question loves them and that under no circumstances do they have to put up with a guy who watches porn. Make sure they know that they are enough and it's okay to be alone.

Title	Something a little different - Teaching our young girls how to protect themselves
Author	paprikadundee
Upvotes	47
Comments	47
Date	November 13, 2019 5:40 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/dvv7s4/something_a_little_different_teaching_our_young/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/something-a-little-different-teaching-our-young.695307 https://theredarchive.com/post/695307

Comments