Trigger warning for emotional and verbal abuse.

I wanted to post a small excerpt/example argument from Lundy Bancroft's inisghtful book Why Does He Do That?

I think this is a valuable list to add to our repository of Big Ol' Red FlagsTM.

I think this example argument & following analysis clearly demonstrate and lay bear the insidious twists and turns of common verbally abusive tactics, which can seem very muddled and confusing in the moment.

He doesn't have to hit you, sis. Verbal abuse is still abuse.

THE ABUSIVE MAN IN ARGUMENTS

I will begin by examining in detail an argument between an abusive man and his partner, the kind that I hear about routinely from my clients and their partners. Jesse and Bea are walking along in their town. Jesse is sullen and clearly annoyed.

BEA: What’s going on with you? I don’t understand what you’re upset about.

JESSE: I’m not upset; I just don’t feel like talking right now. Why do you always have to read something into it? Can’t I just be a little quiet sometimes? Not everybody likes to talk, talk, talk all the time just because you do.

BEA: I don’t talk, talk, talk all the time. What do you mean by that? I just want to know what’s bothering you.

JESSE: I just finished telling you, nothing’s bothering me…and give me a break that you don’t talk all the time. When we were having dinner with my brother and his wife, I couldn’t believe how you went on and on about your stupid journalism class. You’re forty years old, for Christ sake; the world isn’t excited about your fantasies of being famous. Grow up a little.

BEA: Fantasies of being famous? I’m trying to get a job, Jesse, because the travel agency jobs have all moved downtown. And I wasn’t going on about it. They were interested; they were asking me a lot of questions about it—that’s why we were on that subject for a while.

JESSE: Oh, yeah, they were real interested. They were being polite to you because you’re so full of yourself. You’re so naive you can’t even tell when you’re being patronized.

BEA: I don’t believe this. That dinner was almost two weeks ago. Have you been brewing about it all this time?

JESSE: I don’t brew, Bea, you’re the one that brews. You love to get us confused. I’ll see you later. I’m really not in the mood for this shit.

BEA: In the mood for what shit?? I haven’t done anything! You’ve had it in for me since I arrived to meet you!

JESSE: You’re yelling at me, Bea. You know I hate being yelled at. You need to get help; your emotions just fly off the handle. I’ll see you later.

BEA: Where are you going?

JESSE: I’ll walk home, thank you. You can take the car. I’d rather be alone.

BEA: It’s going to take you more than a half hour to walk home, and it’s freezing today.

JESSE: Oh, now suddenly you care about me so much. Up yours. Bye. (Walks off.)

The lives of abused women are full of these kinds of exchanges. Jesse didn’t call Bea any degrading names; he didn’t yell; he didn’t hit her or threaten her. Bea will be in a tough spot when the time comes to explain to a friend how upset she is, because Jesse’s behavior is hard to describe. What can she say? That he’s sarcastic? That he holds on to things? That he’s overly critical? A friend would respond: “Well, that sounds hard, but I wouldn’t call it abuse.” Yet, as Jesse walks away, Bea feels as if she has been slapped in the face.

WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS ARGUMENT?

We will look first at what Jesse is doing and then examine how his thinking works. The first point to illuminate is:

THE ABUSER’S PROBLEM IS NOT THAT HE RESPONDS INAPPROPRIATELY TO CONFLICT. HIS ABUSIVENESS IS OPERATING PRIOR TO THE CONFLICT: IT USUALLY CREATES THE CONFLICT, AND IT DETERMINES THE SHAPE THE CONFLICT TAKES.

Therapists often try to work with an abuser by analyzing his responses to disagreements and trying to get him to handle conflicts differently. But such an approach misses the point: His abusiveness was what caused the tension to begin with.

Jesse uses an array of conversational control tactics, as most abusers do:

  • He denies being angry, although he obviously is, and instead of dealing with what is bothering him, he channels his energy into criticizing Bea about something else.

  • He insults, belittles, and patronizes Bea in multiple ways, including saying that she likes to talk all the time and has fantasies of becoming famous, stating that she should “grow up,” and telling her that she accuses him of stewing over things when it’s actually her.

  • He tells her that she is unaware that other people look down on her and don’t take her seriously and calls her “naive.”

  • He criticizes her for raising her voice in response to his stream of insults.

  • He tells her that she is mistreating him.

  • He stomps off and plays the victim by putting himself in the position of having to take a long, cold walk home.

Discussion questions: How might these tactics present themselves early on in a relationship, especially during the talking or dating stage? What FDS strategies and advice can help women identify these red flags and protect themselves?

Please feel free to share any experiences you have had encountering abusive argument tactics, how they made you feel, what the outcome was, etc. and any advice or support for women currently in similar situations or trying to heal from one. ❤ Stay strong, Queens!