So it's a controversial idea in here that snooping is a good thing. It's not the most honorable thing to snoop on your partner, but you may find that the risks of not snooping far outweigh the benefits of being "moral." Ideally, you should be able to trust your partner. So if he decides to be proactive and show you he has nothing to hide - say by letting you through his phone whenever you ask or even showing you bank statements - you may think you've hit the jackpot.

Not so fast.

If he has something serious to hide, he obviously doesn't want you snooping around. But it's not so easy to be on the lookout 24/7. Mollifying you is the easiest way to cover his tracks, because he doesn't need to guard the evidence if you aren't looking for it.

Story time!

My ex was an alcoholic. I mean severe, on the verge of death alcoholic. But he managed to hide it well enough from everyone by masking it with his depression symptoms and regularly lashing out at me. It wasn't until he started turning yellow and got a diagnosis of cirrhosis that his secret came out. So then I started obsessively checking for signs of him drinking.

One night, in an attempt to put me at ease, he told me he'd go for a walk and have a phone conversation with this dad. He also handed me his wallet and car keys to assure me he wasn't going to buy more booze. I was pacified for a good few hours, then wondered where the hell he was. When I called him, he was barely coherent and had no clue where he was. He hid cash on him and walked to the nearest liquor store. I put on a coat and walked around my neighborhood trying to find him. When I did, he could barely walk. And judging by his torn pants and scraped leg, he fell at least once.

When you partner is proactive with showing you he isn't sneaking around, consider the ways he could get around the restrictions he lets you impose.

  • A hidden second phone is the oldest trick in the book.
  • For social media, he doesn't have to follow models to make them part of his porn routine or find OF subscriptions. Look at his recent searches (though these are easy to clear) and activity logs. On Instagram in particular, the activity log will show you which ads and links he clicks on.
  • For bank accounts, it's so easy to open a second account that this means nothing. Specifically keep an eye on transfers or cash back requests. But keep in mind some workplaces allow you to direct deposit paychecks to multiple accounts. You may never see what other money is coming in.
  • Cash exists and is much harder to trace.

Of course, there are truly honest men out there. But it benefits us more to follow our instincts when dealing with a potentially deceptive man. I wouldn't have been burned nearly as much in my last relationship if I didn't ignore my instincts screaming the obvious at me.