Thoughts on this?

vmuzondi · 2021-01-02T23:09:26+00:00

[deleted]

Delishtise · 2021-01-02T23:21:23+00:00

100% wrong.

This narrative of: “he will change for the right woman” was designed and enforced by the patriarchy to create and maintain pickmeishas. So that you go around trying to be/hoping to be the “right one” for some LVM.

Where do you think pickmeishas come from? This mindset. “I’m not like the other girls, I can get him to change. Even though he wouldn’t change for someone else, I’m definitely THE ONE he will change for.”

The truth is a hard pill to swallow: if he wants to change, he will. And guess what? It won’t be because “the right woman” came along. He will only change if he realizes that something inside of him needs to heal and then he will work to heal it. The same way you or I would do. The only way to “change” is to facilitate your own change by you and for you. Not because of or for anyone else.

The other hard pill to swallow is that most men just won’t change because they don’t think there’s anything wrong with who they are or how they exist in the world since it is one that values and elevates men above all else.

Are they capable of change? Sure. Will they change ever? Highly unlikely. Will they ever change “for the right one”? No way.

Whoever this girl is, she’s a pickmeisha and is promoting that (including stroking/creating massive insecurities) to other women.

companyofwolves · 2021-01-02T23:40:03+00:00

I think men can change, sure.

For the worse.

Kimpractical · 2021-01-02T23:31:40+00:00

Why would you want to date someone who treated the women before you like shit? I’m not about to reward someone for past bad behavior with my presence. And I don’t thing they can change, a good man has always been that way. A shitty man will only change for the worst

divination__ · 2021-01-02T23:18:21+00:00

this is a redundant question. why waste your time on someone who needs to change at all?

i think it is better to operate under the idea that people do not change. my ex CONSTANTLY used this narrative of changing to keep me hanging on for way longer than needed, and any time i thought about leaving he was like 'that's so cynical, how can you believe people do not change?' and i'd be like yes i should be more supportive of him trying to change and become the sort of man who knows how to fucking clean a bathroom and will do it without being prompted by me. lmao. absolute pickme behaviour. the simple solution is to find someone for you who doesn't need to change, who you are happy with and who adds to your life as they already are. don't wait around for anyone.

AnneJedonia · 2021-01-02T23:24:04+00:00

I think all men can change, I think the Catalyst is less the woman than it is an overall cost analysis. If he changes, he will change only when that change provides a benefit greater than the loss of the effort it takes to make the change. That could be you, that could be a major car accident or family trauma. I personally find it a little self righteous to assume I’m so shit hot a man would just be motivated to do a 180 for me. Further, isn’t our premise not to entertain men on the hope of said change? Men will change..errr, grow, when the environment demands it and the benefit is notable and sustainable to him.

souredskittles · 2021-01-03T00:03:40+00:00

No they don’t change. If anything they change for the worse. It’s the path of least resistance.

yegerska · 2021-01-02T23:58:05+00:00

People do not change unless it’s for themselves. Not for anyone, ever. Also abusive people do not change because it works for them. Some people could change after maybe some kind of near-death life changing experience but otherwise I do not believe so. If an abusive/low value man appears to be changed for someone it’s only temporary.

pickadaisy · 2021-01-02T23:05:31+00:00

I think that’s a little simplified? Maybe it’s that a man can change and might, but it will NEVER BE for the woman who fails to ask for, expect, and accept no less than that.

Even then... I don’t need a man who hasn’t sought his own help first. Grow the fuck up and then we can talk. Right?

Breesasha · 2021-01-02T23:10:19+00:00

I don't think she's 100% wrong. A man can change if he wants to. But it'd be something he decided to do and feels motivated to try. Short of that, he cannot be forced, coerced, begged, or threatened in order to make him change. It's not anyone's job to try and convince him to do what's right. No amount of love or explaining can help him either. It's his decision and his alone.

Diamond_fairy · 2021-01-02T23:24:28+00:00

It's true. People can change, not everyone and not on predictable terms, hence it's not something that's going to happen when it's asked and it's definitely NOT something that women should put hope on.

During pickme days in my late teens I tried so hard to change, educate and level up my boyfriend of the time, but if he's ever capable to mold himself for anyone, that was definitely not me and I had to let him go.

On the other hand, the man that's now my boyfriend noticed that I could not tolerate cigarette smoke around me the minute presentations were done. He never smoked in my presence and stopped smoking 5 months after that and never restarted, without any suggestion nor pressure.

Quickly and drastically, he got overall more refined for the sake of dating me, he put himself through transformations that he thought I was deserving to not dump or get tired of him. I appreciate it, the relationship wouldn't have lasted if he didn't do it, but not once I had to ask him to do anything.

2021-01-02T23:54:53+00:00

They will change if they absolutely, without a doubt run out of options.

SOMETIMES, that appears like changing for a woman.

vmuzondi · 2021-01-03T00:55:11+00:00

Looool. Men do not change because they have absolutely no repercussions for not changing. There are pickmes everywhere and they have the privilege of being men. Yeah they might change for a few months for their dream woman to trap her, but trust they’ll be back to their old ways because they’re just lazy and entitled. Very very few men change and they only change because THEY want to, not because of some imaginary dream woman.

NotSoSmartChick · 2021-01-03T02:59:52+00:00

It’s been my experience, based on men in my family, that men will change - but never for their current woman. Once bad behavior has been tolerated, there’s almost no hope. A man will sometimes change, but only when the next woman sets a clear, firm boundary from day one.

My dad is a perfect example. I found out after he died that he’d been awful to his previous wife. He wasn’t like that with my mom. My mom was a bad ass who had dumped her first husband (and cut off her entire family) when pregnant, in the 60s, and moved to a city where she knew nobody and restarted her life. My dad knew when she said she’d do it again, she wasn’t bluffing, so he was always on his best behavior with her.

ScalesHaveFallen · 2021-01-03T00:24:12+00:00

They’ll make the effort to appear to change for one woman. But he’ll revert back to type 🤷🏼‍♀️They allllllllllllways do.

Delirious_Duchess · 2021-01-03T00:15:41+00:00

They don't ever (or rarely) truly change, at most they just learn to pretend more convincingly/for longer next time

NotSoBunny · 2021-01-03T00:29:34+00:00

She's wrong about the one crap. Soulmates and the one concept is all bullshit.

But! Anyone can change, this is true as a basic thing we are all capable of. There are so very few people who are willing to acknowledge, accept and actively chase after that change for themselves that it should never be expected.

tellmesomething11 · 2021-01-03T00:27:12+00:00

People can change. But I believe it is excruciatingly hard to do so. I’ve changed from who I used to be. But the massive amount of energy it took, books I’ve read on behavior, the degree I received in abnormal psychology, and just being harsh with myself in my life, resisting bad influences, resisting certain fun activities, just resist resist resist. It took about ten years to see progress. Ten years. I am now in therapy for the lingering issues I could never resolve on my own. For many years I wanted to change but felt the “old me” sitting silently, waiting patiently for the chance to exist again. When I see people who have changed maybe 1% maybe 2%, I just smile. Because I think after ten years, I’ve changed about 15% and I still sometimes long for the old me. I was never trash from the start though. I think that’s the biggest thing to look at. When you’ve been abusive or lvm for years, decades! I just don’t see it happening. You’ll seek easier prey because you will never be able to maintain operating on a higher existence. I used to think I could make a man change but now I accept that 1) who wants someone that has treated people like shit, even as recently as their relationship right before you but now treats you like a Queen? Weird And 2) they feel like ticking time bombs, like people newly sober (sorry y’all) like they don’t seem real at all. I need someone with YEARS of good character. That is all.

gutsandgorey · 2021-01-03T01:26:25+00:00

"And if it's not you...then MOVE ON!" There. Fixed it for you.

2021-01-03T00:38:45+00:00

There's more than 1 way a man can change. There is more than one thing that can cause a man to change. The same goes for a woman.

More importantly, it's never up to anyone to change a other grown adult. We've said it 1000X on FDS, and we'll say it again.

frogchickenhorse · 2021-01-03T01:03:38+00:00

Hmmm usually she is more ball busting in her videos. Hope she ok.

biggestsigh · 2021-01-03T03:06:13+00:00

This is just her not well thought out way of saying "If he wanted to, he would"

pozzalovah · 2021-01-03T00:19:07+00:00

I feel like men will change when they see that their old ways won't work on anyone anymore thus reevaluating their choices and having no other r choice than to change

victoriaairotciv · 2021-01-04T03:08:12+00:00

Amazing responses all around that’s why I love this community 👏🏼

mans response to this video

Title	Thoughts on this?
Author	victoriaairotciv
Upvotes	49
Comments	36
Date	January 2, 2021 11:00 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/kp7wi3/thoughts_on_this/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/thoughts-on-this.356200 https://theredarchive.com/post/356200

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