All humans (to variable degrees) value something that is more scarce. And all humans say that they value authenticity. Which is the way in the context of dating?

BringingTheBeef · 2023-05-17T15:46:56+00:00

This is an excellent question. The two narratives are constantly promoted when it comes to dating. I think it is said to Chandler in Friends before a date, "just be yourself, but not too much!"

AngeCruelle · 2023-05-17T16:08:26+00:00

The solution is to be scarce as a byproduct of your circumstances, not just to play games.

Do you have a life? A schedule? I mean you can want to shower your SO attention all the time but you really shouldn't have that much. Smothering is more likely to happen when you let being in love overtake your normal routines and responsibilities.

chalkandapples · 2023-05-17T15:58:55+00:00

We do value scarcity, but our attraction towards scarcity is only an instinct. If something is rare, I would pay attention to it, because I'm curious to why it's rare. But if after I look into it, and it ends up not actually being more valuable, I'm not going to like it just because it's rare.

For example, someone with 1 leg is rare than someone with both legs, but we don't put a premium on someone having 1 leg just because it's rare.

There's a number of psychological tricks you can use to temporarily increase the attention and curiosity others have in you, but at the end of the day what matters is still who you are. Not everyone will like the authentic you, you don't like everyone either. But being authentic will give others more accurate information, and makes it easier for those that do like you to find you.

At the beginning of a relationship, I communicate as much as I want to. I will text whenever I have something I want to say. I do skew towards communicating more often at the beginning of a relationship, because I communicate less than average naturally, and if I'm interested I want to make that clear.

Mobrowncheeks · 2023-05-17T15:57:17+00:00

Authenticity is always the way.

If you get rejected for being you, why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t like your true authentic self?

Are you really going to fake it your whole life so you can try to steal the affections of someone who wouldn’t actually like who you really are?

Wha kind of existence is that.

Peacesquad · 2023-05-17T17:31:41+00:00

Demand and scarcity creates value. I don’t think humans value something BECAUSE it’s scarce only.

Ohyarlysmiles · 2023-05-17T17:28:46+00:00

Scarcity isn't valued for its own sake.

A truly ugly person is more scarce than an average looking person, yet the ugly person is not valued more.

Culture shapes ideals that by design can only be approximated by a small number of people.

Culture provides the value, not the scarcity.

AlmostKindaGreat · 2023-05-17T20:03:11+00:00

I just do what I feel like. I don't use any strategy.

I have a decent amount of interests, hobbies, and social activities. Sometimes I have to respond later. If I'm not doing anything I usually respond fairly quickly. I like witty banter so I may read the message and then take a few minutes while doing something else to come up with a good response. So it's not necessarily immediate.

Personally I'm skeptical about how much waiting to text back makes women perceive a man as a scarce resource. I believe women have already decided what your value is to them based on how attractive you are in other ways. I only think about scarcity in the sense that I will be more attractive to her if she sees or assumes that I am desired by many women.

So I focus on quality of messages. I always try to provide some kind of value. Especially when texting first. Not just asking boring questions like "How have you been?" Bring up something interesting. Make a funny observation. Ask a specific question about something you've talked about before. Keep an inside joke going. Send a fun picture.

If she loves getting messages from me I don't think she's going to care about the timing. Sometimes she will be waiting for a response because I'm busy. Maybe this increases tension in a good way, maybe not. I'm not going to make her wait artificially.

One possible exception to doing what I feel like is with dating apps. I tend to respond quickly whenever I can. This is because most women have notifications turned off on those apps because of the ridiculous quantity of matches and messages they get. You have to respond while she's on the app or you will get lost in an endless list of messages from other dudes when she opens the app again. You have to take the opportunities to get a nice little conversation going when you can. Once you switch to text you can ease up and just be natural.

bifewova234 · 2023-05-17T16:29:30+00:00

"Be yourself, but dont be somebody I dont like."

toasterchild · 2023-05-17T16:12:31+00:00

Just be yourself is GREAT advice for anyone who has his or her own opinions and a strong sense of self. It will be 100 times better than putting on bullshit.

On the flip side it is pretty useless advice for a man who is extremely passive and agreeable. I think most people who give it come from a good place but they don't realize how some people don't really have much "self" to fall back on.

MouthSandTeethTongue · 2023-05-17T15:50:00+00:00

You'll have to elaborate if you wouldn't mind. I can see scarcity as being valuable, sure. How does that relate to authenticity (maybe define what you mean by that) and how is that usually attractive to others?'

I think authenticity could be seen as an attractive trait in people that you're already attracted to.

anon35465768 · 2023-05-17T18:18:24+00:00

Nobody "is himself". There isn't one way of being that is "your" way of being. Everyone changes their behavior and the way they present themselves depending on the situation.

But, if by "be yourself" you mean "act naturally" (as in not using strategies and planning) then my advice is: If you are happy with the results, act naturally. If you aren't, then use strategies.

Seduction is based on deceptin, it's in its core. Women put on make up and clothes that make them look younger and more fertile, men try to present themselves in a way that makes them look formidable and high status.

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EverVigilant1 · 2023-05-17T16:11:22+00:00

This reads like an advice post. But I'll bite.

What you do is what works for you to get you what you want.

gymbronyc718 · 2023-05-17T16:35:20+00:00

You have to differentiate between "being" and "doing". You can be yourself and still have trouble doing things like talking to a woman you don't know, flirting, asking her out, etc. You could be doing anxiety and still be a good, worthy person.

Making yourself scarce so that you are more appealing to the opposite sex is doing not being. Overcommunicating, making yourself too available and putting pressure on them is doing not being.

So you can be your authentic self and still do things in a way that will be more effective for the goals you are trying to achieve. It's no different than going to a job interview, putting on professional clothes, behaving in a professional manner and conducting yourself in a way that will likely win you the interview and still staying true and authentic to yourself.

wtknight · 2023-05-17T17:29:44+00:00

You’re supposed to “market” yourself and be interested in the other person as a human being rather than as just an object. It’s much like a job interview, where one is supposed to market oneself but not lie, and also be interested in the company that one is interviewing with.

Flightlessbirbz · 2023-05-17T20:31:28+00:00

It can be a tricky dance between being yourself, but not too much too soon, and showing interest, but not too much too soon, etc. You should never pretend to be someone you’re not, but you do have to hold back and not dump everything right away or you will seem unhinged or clingy.

Things like trauma, past relationship and family drama, should wait till you’re closer to someone. You don’t want to play hard to get, but it is best to seem like you have a life. Or better yet, actually have a life and keep a bit busy so you’re not tempted to be hitting them up every five minutes. Don’t cancel plans with friends and family unless you’re really so busy that you have to in order to make time for them. Remember, you don’t know if this is going to work out, your family and friends care about you, and this new person may not give two shits, you don’t know yet. Let the connection build, and prioritize them more as they give you reason to.

obiwanjacobi · 2023-05-17T20:54:20+00:00

Authentically having/being something scarce

eefr · 2023-05-17T21:26:06+00:00

Honestly, if someone texted me infrequently, I would probably lose interest.

That doesn't mean you should spam them with messages. You want to establish a rhythm that is similar to theirs. If they take a long time to respond, don't send them three messages in the meantime.

But paying attention to someone is how you show that you're interested in them. If a dude I was dating texted me rarely -- especially if all his texts were bland and generic -- then I would assume he wasn't very interested in me, and I'd move on.

AbsolutelyNobody0 · 2023-05-17T23:34:47+00:00

Desire and scarcity set value.

TheRedPillRipper · 2023-05-17T23:49:39+00:00

The concept of value itself is human

The concept of value isn’t human; it’s biological. The primary context being necessity.

Scarcity, or luxury have always, and will always; play second fiddle to it.

Godspeed and good luck!

FakeNewsFredo · 2023-05-18T01:07:49+00:00

I think that we strategize all of the time when we communicate in order to gain some kind of reward that we seek. It's very complex and we usually don't know that we're doing it. Especially in the beginning, where there is reward to be had, and yet there is always some risk of a mis-step and the loss of a potential reward.

For example, we to emphasize our good traits and habits first and foremost. While we reveal our bad traits more slowly later on once we have communicated how 'good' we are? It's like marketing. Also, most people are careful to keep any strong personal opinions to themselves at first.

People value authenticity, because it allows us to manage risk. Certainly, we want to know up front what negative traits that a potential mate has.

As for scarcity (or rarity, as it were), people with very good genetics are rather rare, making them much more valuable in the dating pool. A genetic predisposition to good facial structure/symmetry, appearing fit and aging well are the rarest of all. We seek that rare genetic makeup because we programmed to; we want the best, strongest offspring.

People that are overwhelmingly honest and up front are also rare. But, that's because it's an undesirable trait. People often call it, "having no filter".

Notsonewguy7 · 2023-05-18T01:52:53+00:00

I don't value authenticity. I value effort.

_here_ok · 2023-05-18T02:49:23+00:00

The importance of authenticity is basically just a way to know what one is doing. What one signs up for.

When we start a relationship we need things to expect,accept and avoid.

If a person doesn't initially show us something we have to avoid they are a danger.

If a person doesn't show us something we can accept it shows they view us as danger.

If a person doesn't show us something to expect then we are acting on the unknown and that leads to recklessness.

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