How has limerence affected you?

Psychological-End688 · 2021-01-19T14:52:02+00:00

Getting high on fantasies of a person out of proportion to reality feels like an psychedelic drug trip and not a background microdose but front and center 360 degree fully incapacitating, terrifying, exhilarating megadose altered state where you need to hide your phone from yourself because your reason is lost. When you come down it’s like wth just happened, who was that person and have to think about undignified things you did.

Like a drug I just have to tell myself it will go away, it always does. Just masturbate, go for a run, distract yourself. Do NOT involve the other person.

RunsWlthScissors · 2021-01-19T13:00:09+00:00

Yes as all teenage boys have at one time. Limerence is what gets us to act on our impulses to get learning how to date started. Nowadays I barely think about it. Work and grad school have numbed me to my desires and are constantly on my mind more than any thing else.

Enough past relationships and sexual encounters have made me better at wanting to be with people I assess first rather than whatever girl I got drunk with at the frat house.

Nowadays It’s hard to actually think about it unless it’s someone I know well and have any interest in. My time is precious, and I don’t have any time for any issues they bring when I don’t have time to truly work on my own habits I would like to. Knowing what drama that brings and whoever I talk to may come to mind much earlier than limerence.

I’m not lonely, I can fund myself and my adventures, and I like living on my own. Unless it’s the right person, who’s issues and baggage I understand going in it probably won’t happen. I’m perfectly happy with the impulse hobbies I pick up and learn, and the places I get to travel to and see. Those things fascinate me so much more than emotional value a real relationship can bring.

Limerence may be fun for a moment but it has absolutely no effect on how I interact on dates or with women in general in my mid twenties, I think people with less experience let it affect them. Assessing people well tends to replace it before Limerence is something your mind goes to. Limerence is good once you have a SO, I think it clouds your judgement if you let it before you pick your SO.

GrumpyOldHistoricist · 2021-01-19T16:58:57+00:00

My experience is from the other side of the equation. I’ve been the limerence object of two women, over a decade apart. Both were awful experiences. A person afflicted by limerence has an intense relationship with a fantasy of a person and often effectively forgets there’s another actual human being involved.

The first was a girl I hooked up with that I met in my extended social circle of punks. Neither of us went into it with any expectations since we were both traveling, met in a city where neither of us lived, and our lives and homes were multiple time zones apart. Toward the end of our fling I realized she was nuts but I wasn’t too worried about it since we were both moving on soon anyway. Naive of me. She ended up changing her travel plans to constantly bring her through my city, quit her job, destroyed her credit and risked criminal charges by keeping her rental car past when it was due, and kept contacting me despite me telling her early into her descent that this was excessive and that there was no future for us in any capacity. Didn’t matter. I was the one. She spent months traveling around the country unraveling and periodically coming back to my city to try and find me. She had a few clues and whenever she was in town would post pictures of things closer and closer to my house on a pre-social media web community. Eventually she pretty much pinpointed my location and I knew it was going to get ugly one way or another. I agreed to meet in a public place and she rambled at me about how my breaking her heart allowed her to achieve a higher plane of perception and handed me a shoebox. I accepted, asked her if there was anything else she needed to say, and left when she said no. Didn’t thank her, didn’t try engaging with her beyond being physically present, and didn’t give her any hope of me ever contacting her for any reason. I opened the box when I got home and it was full of rocks and broken glass she’d found in the desert, a rusty pocket knife, and the bloody bandage from a tattoo she’d gotten “in my honor” during her journeys.

The second was more recent. Another girl I hooked up with. From moment one I told her I wasn’t available for a LTR and that we weren’t compatible for one anyway. Didn’t matter. The fantasy version of me in her head was The One. She spent years harboring a belief that we were perfect for one another and that I’d eventually realize it. And I was the problem each time I wasn’t wooed by a new charm offensive. Over time she lost most of her friends because of her obsession and spent some time in a mental institution for issues largely surrounding it. She made terrible choices for my sake that I didn’t ask for, explicitly counseled her against, and then didn’t accept graciously once she’d gone against my (and apparently all her friends’) advice. She’s finally coming out of it, but progress isn’t linear and she still occasionally uses her idea of me as an implement of emotional self-harm.

Neither of these are entertaining anecdotes for me. Both situations involve a lot of stress, guilt, and sympathy for people in pain. While none of it is my fault, only someone totally dead inside could remain wholly detached in situations like these. Limerent people who make their feelings known to their LO place a burden on that person that he or she never asked for. The best thing you can do for all parties involved is to get into counseling and figure out what hole in your life you’re trying to fill with a fantasy of someone else.

Tugallois · 2021-01-19T12:05:03+00:00

It was... fine? I was in deep limerence with my best friend in high school for a couple years. Then a shorter period of pining after a friend in college, but thankfully we ended up dating.

I didn't go all crazy stalker or anything, so I don't think those experiences affect me to this day.

czwarty_ · 2021-01-19T14:34:24+00:00

Yes, as in actual limerence, not "crush". Extremely exhausting and left me with awful feeling of hopelesness. Esp since it happened like 1,5 year after my gf in long and serious relationship left me, right after I got over that, so it was in worst possible moment. I don't even know what I can write more. It was awful and if someone thinks it's "just a crush" then he didn't bother reading the article or didn't understand a word from it.

jdobrila · 2021-01-19T11:25:50+00:00

Limerence is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated.

So you're asking if I ever had a crush/was in love?

Well, yeah. I'm pretty sure most of human population did.

InfinityOK1111 · 2021-02-05T15:54:26+00:00

The tendency of one individual to become limerent is deeply rooted in trauma. It could be the affection, attention or love that you didn't get from your caretakers or parents. It could be abandonment or rejection issues in your early life.

In my case, it was an attachment with my father that caused me to become limerent to someone that exhibits the same traits my father has. Honestly, I felt like a roller coaster ride. Sometimes I am euphoric, and there are times that I am depressed as hell. There's a strong desire for reciprocation and getting that someone's attention. I feel like I thirst for his attention just like any person needs oxygen. It's pathetic.

There's a strong sexual attraction that I never felt with anyone else. Maladaptive daydreaming preoccupied me. I cannot function properly. I cannot concentrate at work. That person is constantly running on my mind. I often masturbate with thoughts of him. The surge of sexual and romantic energy is intense.

I literally feel the emotions in my body. Most of the time, my chest is in excruciating pain without any reason but longing. I feel drained and restless because of this pain. Limerence is not healthy.

Gravel_Roads · 2021-01-19T12:51:00+00:00

Is that the same thing as having a crush? I've had a lot of crushes. They don't tend to last if, once you talk to the person, they can't at least hold a minimum social competency and demonstrate basic capacity for human empathy. (I've dated both men and women; neither are exempt from this standard, and both tend to disappoint, because most people tend to suck a little.)

SonicBackScratcher · 2021-01-19T14:43:46+00:00

Limerence is sort of the adaption stage of love IMO. Its your brain being reprogrammed by your hormones to love someone and it makes stupid things seem rational. Some people really enjoy it, and it has its merit but I see it more something to get past because again, it makes you a little crazy.

When people do really insane things "in love" I'd wager most are in this stage of it.

Hoopy223 · 2021-01-19T15:40:55+00:00

Guys call this “Oneitis”. Where you start thinking some girl is “the one” before you have dated/had regular sex with her. As you get older and start having real relationships it goes away.

learn2earn89 · 2021-01-19T15:45:47+00:00

I’m a woman. I’ve had limerence for a few men in my life. It’s always been from afar. It began when I was in 5th grade and I liked the guy for 3 years all while also having small crushes on other guys.

In high school I was too depressed to like anyone too much. College-limerence for a guy who thought I disliked him because I avoided him so much—3 years. At 26 I developed limerence for 3 years for someone else. At 29, limerence again for someone I work with. It’s been two years and I’m finally breaking free. It sucks because I don’t date due to this (and other factors). It’s not something I wish upon anyone.

2021-01-20T02:14:26+00:00

Yes, wasted 5 years of my life obsessed w one person, delusional that his occasional words and acts of kindness meant he wanted to be w me in the long run. And he let me believe it, and talk about it. Until he was slightly inconvenienced and then he kicked down my house of cards. Limerance fucking sucks.

reluctantly_red · 2021-01-19T15:35:07+00:00

Limerence = the ability to fall madly in love with a woman -- an ability that women systematically beat out of guys.

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HilariousHeathen · 2021-01-19T11:07:07+00:00

[deleted]

HilariousHeathen · 2021-01-19T15:30:59+00:00

[removed]

iloveyoubutyou · 2021-01-19T17:31:48+00:00

I once literally fell for a guy after he accidentally pushed me over while playing some kind of football game at a summer camp.

superlurkage · 2021-01-19T17:34:53+00:00

Using a special word doesn’t make you more special, nor does it boost your argument, make you look good, or fool people

People usually figure this out about the red pill pretty quickly, which is why they quickly get dismissed

IcarusKiki · 2021-01-19T18:44:03+00:00

Yeah I had it the first two years of college for a friend. We were really good friends and he tried to get me to sleep w him but I was a virgin and wanted commitment before that. I got over it when he got a gf and I got a bf during quarantine. He broke up with her and I stayed with mine and now he’s chasing me again lol.

2021-01-19T20:17:36+00:00

Is this like Oneitis?

risingrace · 2021-01-19T22:07:02+00:00

what is limerence

emeral132 · 2021-01-20T22:15:03+00:00

This is pretty much how crushes feel for me? Is that not normal? And then if the crush develops into a relationship I gradually see the person for what they are rather than a fantasy version and then the feeling goes away and I still like them but I have a more realistic view of them.

cloudsongs_ · 2021-01-21T04:47:38+00:00

It's very painful but no contact and time helped me move on.

_mwk · 2021-01-19T11:39:14+00:00

ive had an obsessive intense crush on my first bf for YEARS before we ever exchanged words and imo it's a big reason why I tried to sustain the relationship as long as possible.

my other "crushes" were never as intense, and they never made me jaded. I never really took those feelings seriously tbh

SaBahRub · 2021-01-19T14:41:55+00:00

It’s called infatuation, people. Or a crush, if you don’t want to be snooty about it

Title	How has limerence affected you?
Author	HilariousHeathen
Upvotes	14
Comments	41
Date	January 19, 2021 10:59 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/l0hn6m/how_has_limerence_affected_you/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/how-has-limerence-affected-you.737527 https://theredarchive.com/post/737527

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