In a relationship/marriage, does the intensity/passion/fire ALWAYS die? Do you know any couples for whom the intensity/passion/fire NEVER died? And when it does die, HOW exactly does this process take place?

madscientistlove · 2017-07-10T15:32:48+00:00

1: In a relationship/marriage, does the intensity/passion/fire ALWAYS die?

It doesn't die, it just gets different. If I could describe it, I'd say you love that person more deeply and more patiently. NRE doesn't, and was never meant to last.

2: Do you know any couples for whom the intensity/passion/fire NEVER died?

I know people who very clearly still adore each other after 60+ years of marriage, but it's not what you're describing.

3: And when it does die, HOW exactly does this process take place?

Novelty wears off, life sets in. Note: this is not a bad thing. While you're dating, your sweetheart is a vacation from reality. Over a long enough timeline, the person becomes a part of your family and your life. It doesn't get worse, it gets different.

I'm going to echo /u/Atlas_B_Shruggin here: Life is long and shit happens. His or her parents die, grandparents die. Loss of job, mental illness, sickness, catastrophe, the general frustration of being a human. If you chose your person well, they'll be your loving partner through all of this and vice versa... But it's not going to feel like you're still teenagers dating for the first time because you're not.

4: How exactly do marriages actually devolve to the point where it gets so miserable that divorce is necessary?

Divorce is almost always unnecessary. People get selfish, that's how it happens. In order for relationships to work, both people need to be giving their all to the other person. Sometimes people slip up (and that is very human and normal), but if they can't "get back on the horse" and start being a good partner again, it will eventually damage the relationship.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2017-07-10T06:47:42+00:00

Regarding 3, you realize during the relationship lots of things go on, right? People are stressed, people fail, people become sick, unemployed, disappointed. People have children, money troubles. Fights happen and the types of people who carry resentment add to their litany of woes. People age, people who once were on the same page can grown apart in interests and beliefs. Mortality beckons and people wake up one day and wonder "is this all there is?" About their lives

People don't just stay frozen in amber on the day they met as their "intensity, fire and passion" mysteriously declines logarithmically

Life happens

bonerdude420 · 2017-07-10T07:53:57+00:00

Passionate love wears off when novelty does. It's gradually replaced with a family type of love.

You can still cultivate moments of passion. But it's not like you're going to get back the feeling of getting a nervous feeling to knock on the front door to take a girl out when you've been living together for decades.

akanachan · 2017-07-10T07:57:23+00:00

1: In a relationship/marriage, does the intensity/passion/fire ALWAYS die?

It'll die if you stopped "dating" each other. By "dating" I mean continue to put in the effort you initially put in to attract/be attractive to them.

2: Do you know any couples for whom the intensity/passion/fire NEVER died?

Just one couple I know, and they've gone through a lot together. They always make time for each other, for "dating"/romance. As far as I've observed, they are the exception and not the norm.

3: And when it does die, HOW exactly does this process take place?

Among people I know, it noticeably starts going downhill once they have children.

In my own childfree relationships with my ex'es, it takes a combination of many factors, and one day you just find out that you're no longer compatible with your partner. The most prominent factors I've noticed are a lack of self-awareness, and a lack of good communication with each other.

People (and circumstances/etc) change in time, and you need to both invest conscious effort to make your relationship thrive through time. If one or both parties slack off, it's only a matter of time until the relationship falls apart.

4: How exactly do marriages actually devolve to the point where it gets so miserable that divorce is necessary?

A lack of conflict resolution skills, imo.

alreadyredschool · 2017-07-10T07:46:26+00:00

Yes but most people don't like that actually since the media sold is another plan. For that the relationship has to be filled with romantic love and lust zero familiar love. No "my partner is my best friend" or "I can tell him everything" or "when we first met I didn't even dare to fart in the same house, now we go to the same toilet at the same time after burrito night"

Pretty much nothing you would associate with having kids

You should also get away from the notion that a relationship failed if it stops after 1, 3, 7, 20, 35 years

darla10 · 2017-07-10T21:08:27+00:00

Ester Perel had a great Ted Talk about this precise question. It's about managing a paradox of competing needs. On the one hand, we want security, reliability, companionship. On the other hand we also want adventure, unpredictability, surprise. While long term passionate marriages are unfortunately not the norm, they are possible if both people believe in maintaining the eros alive. It's a decision to kick against complacency and death.

It's a brilliant talk.

https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship

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stats135 · 2017-07-10T07:32:13+00:00

I think quite a few people here pointed out the biggest issue that pop up with relationships, they let others things in life interfere with the relationships. From what I see in real life this is true and that is why you need to find a women that is a good housewife.

I know two couples that were able to keep the relationship alive. One married an orphan and another got himself a girl from the gehetto with her dad in prison. Sure life happens, but these men found women where they were able to avoid the parts that interfere with their relationship Sure, parents died, but if your women doesn't have any, the problem goes away. And sure, there's always going to be hiccups at work. The solution is simply to find a women that does have a career.

This is why it is always promoted that if a man wants to settle down, the best is to find the traditional young housewife. If they are young, they are basically a blank slate and they won't have all that addition baggage in life like careers, or complicated social circles that might interfere with the "passion" of the relationship. And if they stay as a housewife they won't develop any of these baggages.

Entropy-7 · 2017-07-10T10:35:34+00:00

Reality has a funny way of fucking with your dreams. I am a creature of passion and my relationships begin with a magic fuck-fest. Sometimes there are elements that are incredibly romantic but it all comes back to the day-to-day. The only way you can hold it together is one-mother-fucking-day at a time.

Point 1: It doesn't die, it changes

Point 2: All of my closest friends are in multi-year LTRs.

Point 3: However, one was married with two kids and simply walked away from it. It's really weird because when he was going in he told me about a switch in his head/heart and when he was going out his basic explanation was the switch turned off.

Point 4: I come from a "broken home" and I worked as a divorce lawyer.

Guys: spend time with your woman/family. As men, we have the provider instinct but just putting cash in the bank won't do it. Chill out, take some time off and spend it with the most important people in your life.

Women: Suck dick! This is PIC and sophmorish and a whole lot of other things, but hear me out. . .

Does anyone here have a concept of how many wars and economic collapses could have been avoided if women would SUCK DICK?

But there, in a nutshell is why we have a 50% divorce rate. ..

Guys don't spend enough quality time with their women and women don't suck dick enough.

wtknight · 2017-07-10T12:19:24+00:00

I don't feel like the intensity in my marriage has died. I feel like it would only die if one of us felt like we weren't with the right person and that there might be somebody better out there. I don't feel that way, though, and I don't think she does either. I think that relationship dying/miserable feeling happens when one realizes that there actually might be somebody better out there, whether they are actually consciously thinking that, or aren't consciously thinking that and are only thinking "I don't want to be with this person anymore."

LewisCross · 2017-07-10T13:09:26+00:00

1: In a relationship/marriage, does the intensity/passion/fire ALWAYS die?

No, not always, from what I've seen. Most of the time it changes and dissipates. But it doesn't necessarily die.

2: Do you know any couples for whom the intensity/passion/fire NEVER died?

Yes, but only online. From the descriptions and what I can see, the defining feature is the wife's extremely strong and sustained sexual attraction for the husband. She was extremely sexually attracted to him from the day they met. She wanted to fuck the shit out of him from day one.

From my experience, what kills marriages is her lack of sexual attraction for the husband. Reason: there aren't enough sexually attractive men like that to go around to all the women who want one (which is nearly all of them). Most women just don't feel that level of sexual attraction for their husbands. They never have and never really will. They marry men who are "so so" and "good enough", because that's all they can get for marriage.

3: And when it does die, HOW exactly does this process take place?

The only thing I'd add to what Atlas said, is that almost all the time, the wife's lukewarm at best sexual attraction for the husband does the marriage in. If she is sexually attracted from the get go, all the shit in the world that happens to them won't keep them apart. sexual attraction overcomes EVERYTHING in a marriage. A wife will put up with all manner of shit if the man she's married to tingles her.

The reason all that shit Atlas mentioned kills marriages is because of her lack of attraction, either from the get go or dissipating over time.

4: How exactly do marriages actually devolve to the point where it gets so miserable that divorce is necessary?

--women marrying men they weren't/aren't sexually attracted to.

--her attraction for him reducing and dissipating over time.

--mutual unwillingness and/or inability to work through shit and reach mutually agreeable compromises.

--mutual inability or unwillingness to humble themselves and do for each other, instead of solely for themselves.

bala-key · 2017-07-10T14:46:29+00:00

And when it does die, HOW exactly does this process take place?

Open /r/divorce or /r/deadbedrooms any given week to see plenty of real world examples.

If you were to graph the intensity/passion/fire then it just declines linearly, right?

There is usually a significant drop in passion / quality at each step of commitment:

going exclusive
moving in together
engagement
marriage
each kid

Butt-Factory · 2017-07-10T15:40:13+00:00

My parents are still very passionately in love after 40 years of marriage. They still kiss, hold hands, and court one another. You'd think they were on their honeymoon every time they're out in public. One of my brothers is coming up on 20 years of marriage and he and his wife are all over each other, always pranking and playing around. I've caught my brother and sister in law staring at each other with big stupid grins on their faces from across the room more than a few times. Love like that is rare, but it is possible. I think my brother has been so successful because he has consistently sought after and applied marriage advice from my parents.

I've been with my partner for 6 years and we still have the "spark", it never went away. We fuck at least once a day and like to surprise each other with little gifts and notes whenever possible. I think it's important to never stop chasing your partner. A lot of it is chemistry and compatibility, but much of it is also choice. To keep things going, you have to consistently choose your partner, and make them feel special and desired.

ThatGreekLady · 2017-07-10T08:45:24+00:00

It's never always. Sometimes just passion is mostly replaced by familial love though.

SkinnySweaty · 2017-07-10T18:20:13+00:00

It doesn't always die, but it does change. When it works the comfort level and trust rise to take both love and sex into new territory.

When it does not work a couple realizes that all they had was infatuation, and that it's not strong enough to last through the stress of life.

ZombieWifeFoCo · 2017-07-11T04:26:41+00:00

I think it happens in all relationships.

But, as you grow into a more wise adult, you learn how to manage it. You communicate with your partner about it, and you work together as a team to figure it out.

I have seen couples work through it when they are good at communicating and not assholes about it.

I have never seen it work when one or both shut down and refuse to address it.

It's a maturity thing. If you can talk it out and find a working solution, then great for you! Maybe you learn that you won't ever find a solution and this is a deal-breaker. You be adults and figure out the next step.

Some of these questions assume that a couple is not together and that they are ONLY two separate parts that exist in a vacuum. I get it; people don't like bringing this up to each other. It's uncomfortable. But, with age and wisdom comes the courage to tackle these things instead of magically thinking it will sort itself out.

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