Intimacy in Relationships. Why does it disappear over time and how can this be prevented?

Skratt · 2017-01-04T20:40:35+00:00

People get tired of each other.

It takes a lot of love to stay together for 40+ years. Some people can last, others run out of it.

sublimemongrel · 2017-01-04T21:41:22+00:00

Wow, I'm sorry OP, I cannot relate to this at all. What I can relate to is loosing sexual attraction to someone, but not intimacy like this. Loosing the sexual attraction but retaining the intimacy is what made me keep hanging on in the hopes it would return and then ultimately feeling so guilty when it didn't. Now that I'm married I can say my husband and I actually get more intimate as time passes, despite knowing each other for 12 years.

I suppose I would want to know if there's some trigger to stage 3? Is it slow or sudden? Can you think of any distinct reason for the "change of focus"?

flying-gogoplata · 2017-01-04T21:11:16+00:00

To keep the woman's attention, The SMV of the male must remain at least 1-2 points above the female at all times, more so 2 points. That does not just mean looks, but social status, money, frame, everything.

To keep the mans attraction (or mine as an RP man), the woman must remain feminine, sexually charged, be a good mother to children, not bitchy, keep in good shape, and change her look up once in a while.

These are just the basics and obviously goes a lot deeper. Honestly it sounds like your guy is a boring beta who doesn't take your breath away. Definitely a breakup down the road, mostly because his SMV is obviously equal to or lower than yours from what I gather. You know you can do better which is why you're about to branch swing. If he was 2 points above your SMV you wouldn't even dream of it.

-almost-blue- · 2017-01-04T20:46:47+00:00

vetting carefully and over time is one way to find someone that can last the long run, for starters. and, being prepared for some ups and downs sometimes (within reason); relationships can be tough and ups and downs will happen whether you want them to or not, so being strong/adaptable and also being with someone strong/adaptable is important when it comes to facing those things. this is generalized, of course, but i can try to articulate further as needed.

i haven't had that many relationships, admittedly, but the ones that fell apart were hastily entered into, with someone i didn't end up being on the same page with (probably because i was so young).

shoup88 · 2017-01-04T21:23:28+00:00

Long term relationships are hard work. You have to make an effort to stay connected and interested in each other.

I never went through "best friend mode" with my partner. I already have a best friend - I just wanted to bone someone I like spending time with. Our dynamic was different than a friendship from the get go. Intimacy wasn't the goal in the beginning, it was a happy consequence.

We maintain our interest in each other by being interesting people. Having our own hobbies, going out with friends, taking solo trips, etc. We also make an effort to be attractive to each other. Sometimes that includes being emotionally attractive - supporting our own selves through hard times instead of putting all that weight on each other.

It's also good practice to try and see your partner through other eyes on occasion. I love watching him interact with other people, be a friend or a son or even a potential romantic partner for others. Casts him in a whole new light.

MissMaude · 2017-01-04T21:51:41+00:00

I can only speak for myself but your stages are alien to me...

I think I am in what you would classify as stage 1 and have been for about 7 years of my 11 year relationship. Sex is fun and occurs regularly but we are first and foremost partners and family. That said, I don't think it's uncommon for women to long for Beta behaviors and feel a bit lost without them. I have gone through periods of that. My husband read the love languages book (even just him making that effort meant so much to me). Have you talked to your partner?? How do you express your love for him? How does he express it for you?

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2017-01-04T21:58:29+00:00

sexual hotness or emotional/psychological intimacy. choose one. they cancel each other out

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wtknight · 2017-01-04T21:07:01+00:00

Introspection together and sharing vulnerabilities becomes too great a risk out of fear of discovering something that might harm the relationship. Each person starts lying about or hiding things that are potentially threatening.

You need to trust the person enough so that this doesn't happen. Your Stage One mode is mislabeled, because you aren't really and never really were "best friends" if you can't share things that might potentially harm the relationship. What has worked for me is not having sex until I feel that I can trust that person enough to share vulnerabilities with that person.

woefulwank · 2017-01-04T21:31:13+00:00

Most individuals rely on pretense during the initial stage, and the relationships develop along the line of pretense. Once they come into their own more they realise they don't have that much in common and can even see traits in the other they don't find appealing. Many aspects to a person you've become close to can seem more vulgar, or uninteresting over time as you become more judgemental of them and see them in various states - even resentful.

But you depicted other aspects to why couple's come apart yourself.

ppdthrowawai · 2017-01-04T22:37:27+00:00

Unfortunately, I have no better theories than RP offers. Have you guys experienced something similar? Why do you think this occurs? Have you ever successfully prevented this from happening?

The only time I experienced anything remotely similar was when I discovered RP and that solved my problem pretty quickly. But there are a lot of differences too so you likely won't have the same solution. I mean, you're having sex every day.

RPW has given some advice on this, but they seem to think that this only happens to naggy, bitchy wives who stop having sex with their husband. My partner and I have almost daily sex. And I make a point of never criticizing or complaining to my boyfriend. Yet the intimacy is still gone.

What do you mean by intimacy? You're going to have to be more specific. Is the conversation boring? Is the romance gone?

RPM might say that he has become to beta, or that sexual attraction is gone, but in my mind it's the opposite problem. All we have is sex. That is the only thing holding us together at this point, besides convenience. So I don't think that's it. I want a return to beta behaviors, not a departure from them.

Although rarely talked about, a lack of beta is seen as bad for relationships on RP. The only reason alpha is so stressed in relationships is because it is the characteristic that most people are lacking.

cxj · 2017-01-04T22:49:24+00:00

Everything about your stages is completely outside of my experience and observation. I don't think you are "wrong" or lying or anything.

ZombieWifeFoCo · 2017-01-04T22:55:46+00:00

Couples who are meant to last work hard for it. It's not magical every moment you are married. You argue, you fight, you have disagreements. Life takes over. Maybe some do get complacent. But, if you are with a partner who is in it for the long run and knows how to (and WANTS to) communicate, you discuss this. You work through it.

This is the point that is missed. You work through it. Sometimes, that work doesn't pay off. You don't get a guaranteed perfect relationship marriage. Sometimes, they do fall apart. Looking for that magic answer that will ensure you never get hurt, never lose intimacy, or never have to be challenged in a relationship is looking for a train that'll never come. End stop.

SetConsumes · 2017-01-04T22:56:39+00:00

What do you mean by intimacy exactly? The feeling of closeness to your man?

Stage 3, Change of focus: Sex becomes the main function of the relationship. Introspection together and sharing vulnerabilities becomes too great a risk out of fear of discovering something that might harm the relationship. Each person starts lying about or hiding things that are potentially threatening. Sex becomes the only source of intimacy.

Why is sharing vulnerabilities too great if a risk? Why should it harm the relationship?

Sharing vulnerabilities is a very intimate thing to do.

The man not sharing vulnerabilities makes sense, but not the woman.

Stage 4: It becomes harder to be genuinely kind and interested in the other person. Once one person falters a little, the other follows suit and starts building up walls to protect their fragility. Effort is replaced with convenience and complacency. One or more parties starts looking elsewhere for intimacy.

Why does it become harder? Do you feel like you stop caring? Are bored?

tplg · 2017-01-04T23:21:58+00:00

Introspection together and sharing vulnerabilities becomes too great a risk out of fear of discovering something that might harm the relationship.

I think this is why things go wrong. You stop being yourself because you're afraid that your partner might not like who you are. This damages the emotional intimacy in the relationship (which, contrary to what TRP seems to believe these days, is actually necessary to maintain a successful relationship).

Find someone who makes you feel safe enough to be yourself. Make an effort to keep acting like yourself. Put more energy into being open and honest towards your partner and they will most likely follow suit.

midnightvulpine · 2017-01-04T23:43:23+00:00

There is no magical formula to people staying together. Though if the focus becomes too sex heavy, that might be an issue. Anything, taken to the extreme, can harm. Even things people generally find to be positive overall.

Besides that, what sort of long term synergy do you and any of your partners share? In some long term relationships I've observed, the two involved shared some shared long term goal or interest. It's not required, but I can imagine it helps.

By the sound of your post, it sounds like you and your partners have a lot of short term positives, but start to close off down the line? What in particular, do you think, leads you to close off? Do you ever bring it up to the other person?

[deleted] · 2017-01-05T00:50:48+00:00

Experience has taught me that if a relationship is hard work, then you have things that are incompatible with each other. You might still be able to make it work, but you'll always struggle.

A relationship can be highly intimate and easy and wonderful. For years on end.

Where I think you're going wrong is where you place the sexual attraction.

It should be:

1.- sexual attraction

2.- friendship

Sexual attraction comes first. Otherwise, it's unlikely to last, if it just sprung out of familiarity/friendship. It doesn't always happen this way, but it's the usual way.

My tips for a lasting relationship:

1.- Live with a man or woman before you marry them. Long enough to make sure they clean up after themselves, don't have anger rages, aren't jealous, aren't boring, like sex as much as you do and don't do any stuff you find unacceptable.

2.- If they pass and you still love and adore them, marry them.

3.- Each of you needs to keep reminding yourselves to appreciate the other. It's not hard. Just remember how it was in the first months. (Hard though if you were "just friends" back then and there was no sexual interest)

DrunkGirl69 · 2017-01-05T01:02:34+00:00

Keep it kinky

blackheartblackmask · 2017-01-05T01:43:42+00:00

This is RP as hell is this post real?

My 10 relationship reignited after I had pulled myself out of betahood and started being a lot more in command of what goes on during sex. The woman tends to get lazy in love and as a response the man becomes beta. This is because its thought of as sexist now to let a man dominate you so most women say "we have sex(starfish) all the time isn't that enough!"

That or some other women are tempting him and he's starting to resent you, every time you fuck up he thinks of that cute girl that would blow his brains.

If you haven't been tempted to trade up to a Chad or the best you can get at this point then its probably you lacking in the sex area.

CashmereSkies · 2017-01-05T03:40:24+00:00

I've only experienced stage 3 in one relationship, and that was when I was in a very vulnerable spot after my marriage (20 years) ended. My advice would be, if you want a relationship to last, you have got to be willing to argue. To keep being vulnerable, to have the difficult conversations, and to take the risk that the relationship will therefore end sooner rather than later. Sometimes it does, and that hurts. But at least it doesn't get dragged out and smothered in lies and bs.

My experience has also been that sexual intimacy can be rebuilt. My (was-ex) husband and I got back together after 2 years. It has been... challenging, to say the least. But yesterday, we had a mind-blowingly intimate time that took my right back to our best years. Vulnerability is key.

lollygagyo · 2017-01-05T03:50:27+00:00

Stage 2, Sexual attraction: Intense lust and wanting to fuck the brains out of the other person. Stage one (best friends mode) is still maintained, but now there is more gendered behavior.

I usually get bored after this, but if I don't then Stage 3 and 4 don't happen. I've usually broken up with people because of value clashes or external reasons, not because intimacy has faded.

I think this ''Sex becomes the main function of the relationship.'' in Step 3 is kind of unhealthy and might be why you wind up at Step 4. The main function of the relationship should always be partnership, imo -- the foundation of that is being able to treat each other like best friends.

It can help if you have joint goals/a mission. ''By this time, next year, we want to be here''. There's something more overarching and it takes you out of the minutiae of everyday fucking.

If you do nothing but fuck, never leave the house together etc I think it's a given that intimacy (particularly on the woman's side) is going to be lacking. And that the woman will grow resentful as a result and then the man will also find that intimacy is lacking.

haikufun · 2017-01-05T03:59:15+00:00

Stage 4: It becomes harder to be genuinely kind and interested in the other person.

Kind? That's a concern? Be yourself, not kind. Interest also shouldn't be something you have to fake. You want a real relationship, you shouldn't be wearing a mask. You can be both yourself and be respectful of the other person. In stage 4 there is an unspoken barrier, a fight that should have happened but didnt, indifference or a third party. If you know your SO, you should know the reason.

OncleJulian · 2017-01-06T16:52:17+00:00

The woman gets tired of her beta bux lol. If she's secure in her marriage because he lacks options or because she will get a shit ton of alimony/child-support if he divorces her, there is no reason for her to have ''sex'' with her beta bux.

YahwehTheDevil · 2017-01-06T20:30:54+00:00

I'd check out karezza, which is having sex without orgasm. The idea is that we're wired to fall hopelessly in love, fuck, make a child, then grow to despise each other so that we separate and repeat the process with someone new, giving our genes more diversity and better odds of surviving to the next generation. By abstaining from orgasm, we strengthen the instinct to bond with each other while removing the instinct to begin to loathe one another.

Marnia Robinson wrote a book on the subject. While it has a lot of anecdotes and spiritual mumbo-jumbo, her citation game is strong and she presents a compelling overall argument. She also runs a website that gives the tl;dr.

I have not found someone to try this with, but it's rang true with my past relationships in that I care deeply about her until we have sex, them suddenly I can't get away from her quickly enough. I also saw several good friends go through rough breakups at the four-year mark, which I suspect is about how long evolution deems it necessary to make and raise kids in their critical developmental years.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=love

dottywine · 2017-01-08T02:36:13+00:00

My question is -- did your OPINION OF HIM change over the course of the relationship?

I think intimacy dwindles when you no longer admire the guy.

nonnimoose · 2017-01-08T22:45:16+00:00

Maybe the problem is your Stage One. I've only had four relationships in my life, the last and current one being with my husband of a long long time.

NONE of them started with your stage one! Not my best friend, no vulnerability shown at all in early stages, and massive gender differentiation - as in "I hope this guy wants to get into my pants enough to have a relationship with me because he sure as hell is turning me on!"

Title	Intimacy in Relationships. Why does it disappear over time and how can this be prevented?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	5
Comments	278
Date	January 4, 2017 8:37 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/5m1mc5/intimacy_in_relationships_why_does_it_disappear/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/intimacy-in-relationships-why-does-it-disappear.270814 https://theredarchive.com/post/270814

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