Q4W: How do you let men down? What are common reasons you let them down? How difficult is it to let someone down?

pnadlerlaw · 2019-07-02T21:11:42+00:00

This reminds me of when telemarketers, car salesmen or real estate agents ask: “What’s your objection? What would it take for me to get over that objection and make you feel more comfortable with saying, ‘Yes’ to this deal?”

Sometimes, it’s like, “Motherfucker, I’m just not fucking interested!”

I fucking HATE when people ask me WHY I’m not interested. “Because I’m not.” That’s the fucking answer. I have a slight suspicion that women feel the same exact way, but just don’t feel comfortable coming off like a bitch (because if that reputation or habit develops, less and less men will approach her, until the only men approaching her are just shameless players who just want to fuck whatever says yes). But not too deep down inside, I’m sure women want to tell men asking “Why?” the same thing: “Because I’m just not fucking interested, that’s why.”

I’ve tried letting telemarketers down nicely. Sometimes (less than 10% of the time), it works. Other times, this is the dialogue:

Salesman: “Hey, how are you today?”

Me: “Who is this? What do you want?”

S: “My name is Jeff, how are you today?”

Me: “Jeff, what do you want?” (I don’t say, “how can I help you” anymore).

S: “I’m calling from Ballbuster Harassing Capital Group, and it looks like your business is ...”

Me: “Jeff, thank you, but I wouldn’t be interested.” (click, hangs up phone).

Believe me, I have tried to be polite and courteous and treat them like real people. They don’t care. Those convos went like this:

S: “It looks like your business qualifies for capital. We can have money in your hands in as little as 48 hours. We are having a special right now, very low rates.”

Me: “Thank you, but I wouldn’t be interested.”

S: “Look, if you had $20,000 in your hands right now, are you saying you couldn’t hire some more people, buy some equipment, do some more advertising?”

Me: “I’m up to my eyeballs in work, I’m very comfortable with my work life balance. I’m good. I’m not looking for any kind of loan.”

S: “Why not? If you know how to take money and turn it into more money, why don’t you want more money? I’m looking to help you put your kids through college, get that new sports car, or take your wife to a nice vacation this year.”

Me: “Jeff, you’re clearly not listening to what I’m saying. So, I’m going to hang up the phone on my end, but feel free to continue talking to yourself.” (click, hangs up phone).

I’ve seen girls get hit on by sleazy, clueless or just straight up desperate men. The clueless guys, you feel bad for. The non-aggressive desperate guys, maybe you feel a little bad for them too. But the sleazy guys and aggressive desperate guys, if I was a woman, I’d be like, “They can go fuck themselves. I said fuck off asshole!”

QueenCousland86 · 2019-07-02T20:19:04+00:00

I'm always direct but polite, the first time. I get less polite after that, if they don't take no for an answer. No is a complete sentence, it should not require justification, explanation, or anything else.

philomexa · 2019-07-02T20:48:15+00:00

Long ago, a school weirdo/proto school shooter took an interest in me, I was 14. Growing up privileged and pampered, I assumed he wasn't a 'bad guy' and just misunderstood. I wasn't attracted to him, but I pitied him since he didn't seem to have any friends. So I was nice to him; I invited him to eat lunch with the clique, hang out with us after school etc, etc.

However because he was a maladjusted teen from a dysfunctional family he interpreted my kindness as romance and quickly turned creepy. However because I was dumb and nice I ignored my gut (and the bitchy counsel of my friends) and continued to treat him kindly.

Then he asked me out. I turned him down, kindly, and insisted we could remain friends.

Welllll, that seemed to have pushed him over the edge. Creepy, turned into harassment, turned into stalking, turned into graphic threats of violence, turned into actual violence, turned into Law and Order: SVU court drama.

10 years of trauma for me, juvenile detention for him and then an adulthood in and out of jail for harassment and violence towards other women.

All of this to say, that shitty year and a half of my adolescence has left me so, so, so, so, so anxious over letting a guy down (or letting a guy in for that matter). It's to the point where I'm an utter ice queen so men are already disincentivized from asking me out. Should some buck still feel like its worth it I'll just stare at him stone faced, unblinking, and silent, until he's so uncomfortable he removes himself from the situation.

The few guys I've dated and my husband never encountered the stone faced ice queen because I was already interested in them, so I made it easy: giggling, touch, proximity, attention, etc.

I don't let guys down I stop engaging, literally, if I sense they're crossing a familiarity line. They either walk away weirded out by my behavior or they dial it back to 'platonic banter' and I resume being an affable human being.

Orange_Paisley · 2019-07-02T20:47:31+00:00

I hate being asked out by someone I'm not interested in. Not because I'm insulted that he thinks he is in my league, but because I feel uncomfortable and put in an awkward position and I don't like hurting people's feelings. I've gone on a pity date with a guy or two that I already knew I wasn't into and that's just worse because it gives them false hope. So I had to stop doing that. "I just don't feel a connection" is a line I've used in the past. "I'm focusing on being a mom and am not really dating right now" worked when my daughter lived at home. "I'm engaged to someone else" and flashing the ring works these days.

Ofourkind · 2019-07-02T20:09:21+00:00

That depends entirely on the individual situation. I've ghosted, I've let them down gently, I've told them to go fuck themselves, I've expressed heartbreak for needing to seperate, I've laughed in their faces, I've cried like a baby.

CuriousOptimistic · 2019-07-02T20:27:17+00:00

What is it like when a man you are not interested in asks you out?

It's difficult, I know it took guys to ask so I do try to acknowledge that. I do try to say something like, "thanks, but I'm not interested." Sshort, direct, to the point

What is usually the source of the disinterest?

I'm not sure there's a "usually." I guess most commonly with online dating, they just seem boring. Like there is nothing interesting about him as a person. But there's a lot of different reasons.

What is your threshold for giving someone a chance, vs. just never even trying?

Mmmmm not sure here. I know part of it is that I sense he's not too goal oriented. Like if we have a good conversation but I don't date him, he will still feel like it was a good use of his time, of that makes sense.

rasmelo · 2019-07-02T23:39:49+00:00

I am always in a relationship, so this is usually why I let men down. It is extremely difficult for me to let someone down, especially if I like them. I think what men don't understand is that you really can only date one person at a time. Not every rejection is personal. One thing I hate about TRP is the idea that every woman will be up for something if you are good enough, regardless of her relationship status. I have literally turned down mouthwatering men. They usually end up angry at me, not vice versa. Which is actually super hurtful, especially if I liked them. Sometimes it really is that women are busy being loyal. I hope that makes sense.

yasee · 2019-07-02T20:13:50+00:00

it's kind of uncomfortable. I feel bad for him

I'm disinterested because I'm not single, which is admittedly a pretty easy out (as long as the guy doesn't push). when I wasn't single, I don't think I ever really said no to someone? which lead to some first dates with people who I wasn't really interested in

what's even more uncomfortable are situations where the guy is romantically interested but not being explicit about it, even to the point of assuring me that he just wants to be friends after I told him I was taken and then STILL doing shit like buying me flowers or trying to initiate physical stuff. hate hate hate, am bad at dealing with

Texastentialism · 2019-07-02T20:52:16+00:00

It's always awkward turning someone down. But the nature of the rejection will depend on the nature, source and setting of the approach. There's no one tried-and-true method that's my go-to or anything, other than just saying "I'm married."

I err on the side of politeness because that's just my nature as a person. I only get firm/rude if the guy was disrespectful to me first or if he's not taking no for an answer.

As for the source of the disinterest... it can be a lot of things. Now it's because I'm married. In the past it was because I had a boyfriend, or because I wasn't attracted to the guy, or because his reputation preceded him and I knew he was someone I didn't want to get involved with, or because he was drunk, or because I was drunk, or because I knew it wouldn't be a long-term thing and I wasn't interested in a hookup, or any number of other reasons.

I'm either interested in a person or I'm not. I don't "give him a chance" if the chemistry isn't already there.

PaintingOfJoan · 2019-07-02T21:08:43+00:00

I just tell them no and fuck off if they keep going.

planejane · 2019-07-03T00:02:38+00:00

Comment I wrote on this topic a few months ago.

Simply put it's a complicated thing to do.

SqueaksScreech · 2019-07-03T02:32:23+00:00

I tell them sorry that I'm not interested and got a boo. If they don't leave me alone I tell them in a more stern way if they keep going and proceed to keep touching me then it gets physical. I'll throw hands which doesn't happen very often.

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firewatchersdaughter · 2019-07-02T21:31:02+00:00

Right now I'm in a relationship so when someone asks me out I will simply tell them that I'm already taken. I had one guy object to that so far and I simply repeated that I wasn't interested.

A very common reason for not being interested in a guy, relationship status aside, is that they smoke cigarettes. That's one of my biggest deal breakers. Others are having kids and not valuing education. Physically, I'm not the biggest fan of bald men, overweight men and tribal tattoos. I've been on a date with a guy I wasn't 100% interested in once and it just confirmed that we weren't compatible - aside from being a smoker, he was afraid of ice skating which is my favorite winter activity.

verticordia · 2019-07-02T22:16:19+00:00

If a guy is nice and respectful, I let them down easy. If he's a dick, and I've already said no loud and clear and he keeps persisting, I'll tell him off or ghost him.

I'm disinterested in dating, period. I need some form of platonic interaction before I can develop feelings for them. 100% of the time, if a guy only comes to me with romantic or sexual intentions, I'll reject him. I get disinterested in guys who don't know how to banter or build rapport and try to ask me out as soon as they see me. If I've known him for a while and he asks me on a date, I'll say yes even if I'm not interested at first just to be fair.

SpinachIsYummy · 2019-07-03T01:35:12+00:00

Usually I just tell a guy that i'm flattered but that I am not dating now. If I feel scared I will give a fake identify of some sort and have the guy give me his phone number. When i'm away from him I was block him.

SqueaksScreech · 2019-07-03T02:30:34+00:00

Dude hit one me since 18 all the way to 19. Would comment about my body being "mature" or how if we we're together never let me go blah blah blah, if I ever broke up with the person I was he would swoop me off my feet. He was in his 30s. I told him I was married and he then left me alone.

grand_tiremaster · 2019-07-03T05:29:14+00:00

Am I sexually attracted to him? Physical is what draws me in. Next comes his personality.. which I will find out through talking and dates.

[deleted] · 2019-07-03T16:35:43+00:00

i inform them once and if they keep needling me i block them and disappear. never push an INFJ too hard.

Willow-girl · 2019-07-04T04:04:45+00:00

Most men who express interest in me make me feel claustrophobic and suffocated in short order, and that's when I get off the ride, whether it's come to a stop or not.

Occasionally I meet one who doesn't give me this feeling. Those are the keepers! Got one now; can't imagine life without him. :-)

NaturalQueer · 2019-07-04T22:51:47+00:00

What is it like when a man you are not interested in asks you out? Depends if they are nice then it's a little awkward cause I don't like hurting people's feelings. If they are being assholes I just get grumpy

What is usually the source of the disinterest? Again really depends I have a weird variety of things I find attractive, but sometimes I just don't feel a click.

How do you usually let him down? Try to be up front and honest, just say I am not interested, it gets uncomfortable sometimes when people ask why.

What is your threshold for giving someone a chance, vs. just never even trying? Friends or people I have know before I am more likely to give a chance if I know they are good people and I am at least a little attracted to them. Strangers I am more careful with, I might be willing to exchange numbers and chat for a bit but I would probably say no for a date right of the bat.

Title	Q4W: How do you let men down? What are common reasons you let them down? How difficult is it to let someone down?
Author	firewatchersdaughter
Upvotes	10
Comments	76
Date	July 2, 2019 8:04 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/c8eapf/q4w_how_do_you_let_men_down_what_are_common/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4w-how-do-you-let-men-down-what-are-common.255104 https://theredarchive.com/post/255104

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