What's your opinion on ghosting?

Civil_Seaworthiness · 2018-11-28T02:55:17+00:00

Ghosting isn't very kind, but people do unkind things all the time without being fundamentally bad people. It's a selfish choice, like a thousand other selfish choices people make based on what they prioritize at any given moment.

Almost everyone deserves the door held for them when they are struggling, but sometimes someone else is struggling with something different and can't or won't set it aside long enough to hold the door.

We should all try to consider others' feelings whenever possible and make decisions in good faith and with others' best interests at heart, in my view. But we don't. I've been ghosted; it hurts, but it happens, and the good faith assumption that I make is that the person thought it would be kinder not to explain themselves or that other circumstances simply intervened. We should all try to consider others' humanity when being ghosted as well as when ghosting, and in general. We don't always, but we should.

That's my view.

Edit: also, based on the text, the 'unethical' thing that she did that I'm qualified to comment on here, though I certainly have thoughts on a lot of the situation, is posting this personal message with the hopes that others would help her mock/ostracize someone, which is, in my view, an objectively unethical action barring a particularly severe grievance or a situation where posting the content might serve as a learning opportunity for someone else. Her motive seems to be an attempt to assuage guilt, and trying to work up a public-shaming furor isn't an appropriate way to do that by my standards.

cxj · 2018-11-28T03:15:26+00:00

The vast majority of the time i perceive it as avoidant cowardice, particularly by women who want to avoid doing something that feels bad and know there will be no consequence. I’m sure a few rare cases of “safety issues” exist but more often women are just rationalizing their bad behavior. I understand guys, especially “chads” are prone to ghosting as well.

That being said, I’ve heard from some younger people and even some older ones, that ghosting is considered more considerate to the persons feelings than confronting them, by virtue of sparing them a hurtful confrontation. These people would rather just figure it out from non contact than have to hear someone they have feelings for tell them something hurtful. This seems to be more prevalent among younger groups.

I think the internet has given many people a weird entitlement to having a screen between all their interactions, and somehow gotten to a weird cultural entitlement to just avoiding unpleasant interactions in general. Sadly I don’t think there’s any going back from this.

I’ve also heard ghosting on employers by employees is becoming more common, which gave me a chuckle although I have mixed feelings about it. I think exploitation of employees is getting into territory blatant enough for employees to retaliate in the only way they really can, and also having absolutely zero loyalty to companies that don’t even pretend to give a shit anymore.

SpaceWhiskey · 2018-11-28T06:44:40+00:00

If it’s an actual relationship, I think it’s a messed up thing to do outside of abusive situations.

That being said, I’ve also seen not calling after one meh date described as “ghosting” and seen people get bent out of shape about it, which I think is ridiculous. I’m assuming that’s not what happened in the linked example though.

exit_sandman · 2018-11-28T10:00:46+00:00

Ghosting sucks, but worse things happened.

However, getting a friendly-worded message from an ex that - among a few compliments - suggest you shouldn't ghost people, and then posting it on /r/niceguys while calling the guy "depressed" in fingerquotes, that makes you a grade A bitch.

hammerhaunts · 2018-11-28T02:41:31+00:00

It's sometimes understandable, sometimes not

whatyoucallaflip · 2018-11-28T03:36:45+00:00

I can't believe she posted that on /r/niceguys. I think the niceguytm trend has officially jumped the shark.

[deleted] · 2018-11-28T04:17:19+00:00

It's nevee happened to me, but I think it's usually very rude. There are some situations that it might be appropriate I suppose.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2018-11-28T04:00:05+00:00

almost everyone deserves an explanation

mm, why? says who?

EchoZeroEleven · 2018-11-28T05:00:02+00:00

It’s not respectful, can hurt others, and a little messed it.

That said, I’ve done it and had it done to me. I think it’s become a norm.

Yorkshiretea83 · 2018-11-28T05:48:29+00:00

It depends on the circumstances.

If youve been seeing someone a while and there are clear, well-intentioned feelings then I think you are owed an upfront rejection.

If you find out someone is cheating on you, then ghosting is justified as it denies them the chance to hamster their cheating to a place where they feel validated.

If youve just been on a few dates, it's a shitty thing to do but having been on the recieving end many times it doesnt feel that bad after a while. You keep your hopes in check.

I've done it a few times, and felt guilty afterwards. The guilt subsides fairly quickly though.

storffish · 2018-11-28T02:47:58+00:00

Depends on the person. I had an ex some years ago who couldn't take no for an answer. she'd inundate me with texts if I didn't want to listen in person, and this was back when that shit wasn't unlimited. she tried to turn every answer that she didn't like into an hours long debate. we weren't especially serious (dating for a few months, but more "serious" territory than I'm used to or would have liked) and at the end of the day cutting her off made more of a statement than attempting to explain my reasoning could. saved both of us time and effort. but you live and you learn. avoid chicks who can't take no for an answer like the plague, gentlemen, no matter how perky the ass

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TriadFamilyTimes · 2018-11-28T04:49:48+00:00

Fucked up and hurtful and often necessary these days on all sides of every gender fence.

jonadragonslay · 2018-11-28T06:21:28+00:00

As a method, it has to be one of the worst ways to end it. Almost inviting drama,especially with a person who know will just be destroyed once it's over. I find if you can just sit there on the phone or in person for about 40mins and just let them vent, they walk away with a sense of resolution and not resentment. You can literally hear them going through the stages of grief on the phone.

Whodunnit88 · 2018-11-28T07:02:24+00:00

I don't like it but I understand it.

flamingoinghome · 2018-11-28T07:37:48+00:00

I actually think ghosting is the most polite way to go if you've only been on a date or two--no need to twist the knife by spelling it out. But ghosting someone you were in an actual relationship with? That's a colossal dick move and only acceptable in really extraordinary circumstances (i.e. if someone was beating you and you needed to get away safely without making it angry). That doesn't seem like the case with this girl; she's just being a bitch.

lonelinessmademecave · 2018-11-28T07:59:06+00:00

It's become so normalized. In some ways I think it's considered more acceptable to ghost in an online/quick hook-up situation than to do anything more confrontational.

I think it's fine to block someone from all avenues of contact after you have broken up, but breaking up with someone that you had an actual realtionship with by way of ghosting is obviously not ok. I don't think that's controversial. I also doubt it's super common. After a certain point in a relationship, you actually do have an obligation to another person's feelings. I think most people realize this.

openoids · 2018-11-28T09:26:35+00:00

What is it...1 in 20 of us are sociopaths?

thrownaway2thewind · 2018-11-28T09:49:32+00:00

Using my throwaway on this, I'm someone who has ghosted a person not too long ago. Here's why

I'm a horrible influence. My hedonistic tastes are either going to get me locked up, or kill me. I always told her that she shouldn't try to date me if she is looking for a serious relationship, but she would still call me anyways and follow me around anywhere. This girl had the perfect family, friends and life but she wanted to spend time with me. I avoided her at first, but eventually after long enough I caved in and hung out with her. She wanted to love me for whatever reason, but I didn't give her the chance. I just stopped communicating. I have trouble saying "Goodbye" because it's not that I don't ever want to see her, I just know that I really shouldn't for now

When I look at the death of Bonnie and Clyde I just think Clyde shouldn't have ever put her in that position. I love her (never told her this) I even saved her life one time kinda, I just know that I can't give her the type of love that she deserves. I always warned her, but I had to walk away because if I didn't she wouldn't get it.

Gravel_Roads · 2018-11-28T11:50:29+00:00

I agree with the comments that the chick in the OP sounds like a miserable bitch, and I'm glad the dude was able to dodge that bullet. Sounds like he was able to learn and grow from the experience.

I'm neutral about ghosting. As an introvert; there's very few people I would mind it from if they just stopped talking to me and left me alone. One of the reasons I don't reject RP is because I like its stance on ghosting/nexting - in that it just accepts it as part of life and advises men to just move on or focus on other things. I'd say ghosting is far better than mocking or bullying unlucky suitors.

...that said, most people don't ghost entirely on purpose. It's mostly just an indicator of a lack of urgency or gumption. Most ghosting happens when you pick up the phone, see a text you just really don't want to respond to, or don't have the time/emotional fortitude to respond, so you set the phone aside to see if you can have better luck later. And then you just forget.

It's just another form of procrastination from doing something unpleasant (like letting someone down.)

esiemualB · 2018-11-28T12:15:49+00:00

No one deserves an explanation, but people usually deserve to know that they don't need to waste their time on someone any more. I don't think it's ghosting to say "I don't want to talk to you any more" and then stop talking. However, I also think that sometimes ghosting happens without intention. For example, someone might have forgotten to send a last message or postponed it a lot, and now they're at a point where the other person has probably figured out that they're not interested any more.

testpostignorepls · 2018-11-28T13:08:44+00:00

It's a fact of life.

Someone isn't entitled to obliged to send you messages, but its nice to say something like "I don't see this working out, cya"

petrichordium · 2018-11-28T15:57:58+00:00

Wow! It’s almost like the sub is full of reasonable and nuanced people who enjoy dunking on Nice Guys (tm) but are capable of seeing humanity and calling out toxic behavior from women when it happens! (Since all the comments tell her she’s being rude).

Here’s more nuance: ghosting is just fine in low stakes date or relationship seeking (ie people you’ve only chatted with, mayyybe met once if they’re just weird and you wanna avoid any more weirdness). Ghosting is rude AF in the context of a non abusive relationship that has run its course.

play_yr_part · 2018-11-28T16:59:06+00:00

I'd probably be considered blue pill but I fucking hate this shit, it doesn't take much effort to reply back saying you're not interested or have met someone or just can't be arsed anymore.

It definitely contributes to online dating being a grinding crapshoot. obviously after a couple of days I assume they're not interested, but some common courtesy wouldn't go amiss. anyone gets weird, block them.

TheMedsPeds · 2018-11-28T19:45:57+00:00

The amount of shittiness depends on how far along the relationship is.

The logic behind "okay" ghosting is as follows from my understanding. If there is no established relationship with a title either party does not "owe" the other an explanation as to why they no longer want to "talk" to the other partner. But even if a couple doesn't have the title of bf/gf I still think ghosting can be absolutely reprehensible behavior.

So if a freshly single guy met a girl on Tinder or whatever, hung out once or twice and just kind of flirty text for a week or so then suddenly his ex pops up (who he still has feelings for) and they get back together I don't necessarily think the guy is a total sack of shit for not thoroughly explaining to a chick he hung out with a few times that "whatever this is" is over now.

But if you have been seeing someone for like, months, yall fucking, you met their friends, and so on and so on. Yeah, you just a coward that can't handle confrontation and fuck you.

Quaternionz · 2018-11-28T04:03:54+00:00

Ghosting is fine, there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s a natural byproduct of having a large number of options. If you’re texting with 27 potential partners at once then you literally do not have the time to respond to everyone. You have school, work, friends, and your whole life to deal with. You’re only going to have the emotional energy to respond to 2-3 of them on a given day. You’re only human.

Ghosting is something unattractive optionless guys bitch about because they’re never a girl’s top choice. If you learn to generate a large number of sexual and romantic options as a guy then eventually you’ll start ghosting some too. If you can keep up with 27 different text message threads at a time then I’ll be impressed.

Title	What's your opinion on ghosting?
Author	igottaaskyo
Upvotes	14
Comments	65
Date	November 28, 2018 2:40 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/a11xt5/whats_your_opinion_on_ghosting/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/whats-your-opinion-on-ghosting.258843 https://theredarchive.com/post/258843

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