There are a ton of good articles out there about what to drink, ordering drinks, enjoying alcohol, and various and sundry other information about food and drink. Here are some basics for TRPers on ordering and enjoying alcohol, and to keep you from looking like a total idiot. You should research and read up on these; this is a basic primer.

Ordering Beer

There are a number of different kinds of beer, with the explosion of microbreweries and craft beers. Generally, bars and restaurants have a limited number of beers on tap (or draft or draught) and a variety of bottled beers. You'll find very few which carry cans, because beer in glass bottles is thought to taste better and last longer with fresher taste.

Check the menu for your brand. Order the brand first, followed by how you'd like it (draft or bottle), and if in a bottle, if you want a glass or mug. If you want a mug, you might be offered a chilled mug. If you can get it, get the chilled mug to keep your beer cold.

Ordering Wines

This will depend on individual tastes. There are a variety of wines with all different flavors and textures, from light to full bodied, from sweet and sugary to heavy and acidic. In general, limit yourself to two glasses of wine at any given time. Never, ever get drunk on wine; it results in epic hangovers (especially sparkling wines). Wines are also priced and valued based on age. In general, the "older" the wine is; the more you'll pay for it. Older vintages are 4 to 20 years old. Most wines sold in stores or at restaurants are between 2 and 4 years old. Most wines are served in 6 ounce or 9 ounce glasses.

Do not order wine by the bottle unless there are at least 3 people wishing to drink it. You won't finish an entire bottle of wine by yourself at a restaurant and if you do, then you have... problems.

--white zinfandel: A sweet, light bodied wine. Low alcohol content. It's not really white, it's usually pink. Don't drink this; you'll look feminine. Girls drink white zin.

--Champagne/sparkling wine: can be cheap to very expensive. Used only for toasting and for special occasions; almost no one drinks champagne regularly. Characteristic for its bubbly, almost carbonated texture. Champagne is almost a generic term but the wine was originally fermented in the Champagne region of France; sparkling wines which are fermented anywhere else may not be called or marketed as "champagne". Champagne is, as a result, quite expensive; sparkling wines usually are much less expensive.

--Rose: Pronounced "Roze-ay". A pink or red wine, medium bodied, fruity flavored. Girls drink this.

--Chardonnay: A white, dry wine. High in alcohol content.

--Cabernet Sauvignon: A red wine, high in alcohol content and high acidity.

--Pinot Noir: A red wine, medium bodied, lower acid. Flavors can be unpredictable.

--Merlot: A red wine, deep purple in color. High alcohol content, acidic, and full bodied. Very popular in the US. One of the few wines served and stored at room temperature; it is never chilled.

--Bordeaux: A merlot wine but fermented and bottled in the Bordeaux region of France. Very expensive in the US.

--Port and sherry: The wines with the highest alcohol content. Served in smaller glasses of 3 or 4 ounces. Rarely are these ever available at restaurants. Sherry is usually used for cooking; few people drink sherry.

Ordering Cocktails

Decide what alcohol you want. Then decide the mixer.

When you decide the alcohol you want, decide:

--the brand

--the amount

--the type of glass you want (shot, rocks, tall).

You're sold spirits by the shot. You'll get one shot in your cocktail unless you want two shots; in which you order it as a "double".

Do not order "whiskey" or "scotch" or "gin" or "vodka" or "tequila". You order Jim Beam or Jack Daniel's or Maker's Mark. You order Johnnie Walker or Dewar's or Glenfiddich. You order Tanqueray or Plymouth. You order Absolut or Smirnoff or Grey Goose. You order Jose Cuervo.

You'll get your cocktail in a "rocks" glass or "short" glass, unless you want it in a tall or "highball" glass. Doubles are almost always in a tall glass; other cocktails (except margaritas and martinis) are sold in rocks glasses. Remove the short stirring straw. Do not drink your cocktail through the straw. Sip your cocktail. Do not pound it like a plastic Solo cup of rotgut beer you drink while standing around a keg with your bros.

--"On the rocks": Your cocktail will be served on ice.

--"Neat": You will get straight alcohol in a rocks glass, no ice. For example, "Jack Daniel's double, neat" is two shots of Jack Daniel's in a rocks glass with no ice.

Your order should look like this:

"Jose Cuervo shot" (you'll get a salt dish; your shot and a lime wedge.)

"Jim Beam and water, rocks." You will get one shot of Jim Beam in a rocks glass filled with ice, then filled to the brim with water.

"Jack and Coke, double tall." You will get two shots of Jack Daniel's in a tall glass filled with ice, then filled the rest of the way with Coca-Cola.

"Maker's Mark double, neat." You will get two shots of Maker's Mark in a rocks glass, no ice.

"Maker's Mark double, rocks." You will get two shots of Maker's Mark in a rocks glass with ice.

"Tanqueray and tonic." You'll get one shot of Tanqueray gin in a rocks glass filled with ice, the rest with tonic.

"Bacardi and Coke." With nothing more, you'll get one shot of Bacardi rum in a glass of ice and the rest with Coke.

"Makers Mark Old Fashioned." You'll get an Old Fashioned with Maker's Mark, in a tall glass filled with ice.

Ordering martinis is an art unto itself. There are many different kinds of martinis. Generally, younger men under age 40 don't drink martinis. But, if you decide martinis are for you, here are the very, very basics. Martinis are made with vermouth and either vodka or gin, and green olive garnishes. Specify the brand of vodka or gin, and whether you want it "straight up" (chilled); and then if you want it "dirty" (with some olive juice mixed in). Beyond that, you're on your own.

You should not drink the following, at least not at bars or on evenings out:

1) Margaritas, daiquiris, bloody marys, or mimosas. Women usually drink these; the last two are often consumed in the mornings. (You should not be drinking alcohol before 5:00 pm.)

2) White Zinfandel or Rose wines. (See above.)

3) Any distilled spirit with any color other than amber or clear.

4) Long Island Iced Teas.

5) Any drink with a stupid name ("Sloe screw", "Sloe Screw Up Against the Wall", "Bloody Brain").

6) Wine coolers.

7) Trendy ales flavored with apple or pumpkin or other fruits.

8) Any drink with any apparatus in it other than a short straw or a toothpick for olives. No paper umbrellas, no short plastic swords.

Now go, and order your drinks with confidence.