I married my wife when I was 18. I am 37 now (wife same age). Since digesting the red pill, my life has changed in almost every way. It took a while for my wife to respond but now that she is 100% on board my mission, we are closer as friends and parents than we have ever been and I have taught her to be my porn star. I don’t have anything to complain about right now. My wife is everything I have ever wanted out of a woman, and my family life with the kids and the way we all get along (following my lead) is great. Also we were both born again Christians before we met each other.

Our marriage has never been great and we have had our problems. By 2006, I was on a pretty steady path to becoming a drug addict and an alcoholic. Even though I was not there yet, I was having a really hard time controlling my temper/anger and eventually my wife moved back home (cross country) with the kids. I visited every 2/3 months, and we were still fucking, but did not get along. I was out of line and she was a harpy bitch. After almost 2 years I moved them back home with me.

Fast forward to about 3 years ago and we were again on the verge of divorce. I was having some health problems as well as some drug problems (although I had already successfully quit drinking). She was looking to move out on her own. That didn’t happen (not exactly sure if she couldn’t afford it or just didn’t want to). She ended up getting really sick and missing a ton of work, and after a lot of time and money, she sat down with me and spilled the beans. When she was living at her parents (after she left me) she had a kind of affair with an old classmate of mine. She said they didn’t fuck, but twice they stopped right before (she was naked). This fucked with me pretty bad and it still does.

I’ve questioned her about it since, and some of the details came out later (trickle truth). She painted herself in the best light possible when she first told me, but after a while I realized the only reason she didn’t fuck him was because he was either scared of me (possibly, I am bigger and was a better athlete than him) or too chicken shit because hes still kind of a beta mommas boy. She says it wasn’t what either of them had wanted.

This is not ok, and if I knew about it I never would have moved her back with me. I don’t trust her, and for the most part I fucking hate her for this. The problem is, I assume she is telling me the truth. Its not like I caught her, I had no idea. She confessed because of a guilty conscience. Almost immediately the heath problems that she had been having cleared up after she told me. Cheating is cheating though, and I had thought when she came back that she had stayed true to her word. It was naive and stupid of me, but honestly I had no idea.

I just cant seem to get past this, and put it behind us. I want to believe her, but the red pill side of my inner struggle says bullshit, she got a ton of strange cock while away, and lied about it for almost 7 years until she told me. And if that’s true, who knows what else is she hasn’t told me. I have told her before, I just want the truth.

A big part of why I “don’t care” now is that since we were apart, she put her life back in order and in a lot of ways inspired me to do the same with mine. She stayed with me through a lot of bad shit, drug abuse, unemployment etc. I have only been clean for about a year now. So she shaped up, then I did and now that I am back to my original self when we started dating (or better) everything is going fine. I could have a lot bigger problems. And for the most part this seems more like her moving on than cheating. Its the lie and the deception that are killer. Betrayal is bad enough but then 7 years of being conned is pretty shitty.

I ask myself what do I want, and for the most part I have it. Except I don’t. I wonder what the difference would be if she said she did sleep with the guy, or there were others as well. And that seems like it crosses another line to me, and if she confesses some day to more I’m pretty sure I would divorce her. But I wasn’t red pill aware when she told me, and certainly not when this all happened.

A few weeks ago I was reading about forgiveness, and the author stated “forgiveness is giving up the right to a better past”. I don’t deserve a better past but I deserve for my wife to be honest with me. I deserve to not have to think there is an even bigger monster lurking in the shadows that Ill have to find out about some day. I don’t know. Sometimes I don’t know what I want at all.

I am hoping there is some part of the pill that is still yet to dissolve. I have fixed the man and the wife responded in all the right ways, but its like I just cant relax and enjoy. Its like I am so good at working towards a goal that I forgot about the actual goal and prefer the “working towards it” part.

I don’t have a direct question I guess, more of just stating my problem, and looking for advice on how to either mentally take care of this bullshit, or move on. This shit happened 10 years ago when I was a drunk captain, and at this point I think I am the one causing me these problems.