"Just be yourself"

DaygameCode · 2024-08-26T11:52:08+00:00

Being yourself is difficult because most people have fears, anxieties, flawed beliefs, and social norms which makes it hard to truly being themselves.

You cannot be yourself if you have tremendous social anxiety for example because you cannot tell yourself to “stop having” social anxiety just like that.

You also cannot be yourself if you have learned social norms that are very limiting, and which cause conflict between the way you want to act, and the way society dictates you should act.

You cannot be yourself if you have unresolved traumas that influence how you act now in negative or toxic ways which can sabotage your social interactions in the present.

BatmansPlotArmor · 2024-08-26T10:38:42+00:00

it's dumb, zero thought advice. if I'm asking questions trying to get better at something then OBVIOUSLY "being myself" hasn't worked thus far.

audhdlover · 2024-08-26T10:48:17+00:00

Be yourself is what people say when they couldn’t care less if you fail or succeed.

What I say is, be the closest version of the man women like that you are naturally

Me… I’m laid back… that’s my bag, and women like that about me. When I start caring I loose all sex appeal

My friend for example is a lover boy and girls like that about him, when he tries to act laid back he comes across as butt hurt and it just doesn’t work

Find what works for you and lean into it

TripleDigitNomad · 2024-08-26T11:23:36+00:00

I think what they mean to say is: "be the best version of yourself that naturally attracts the kind of people you desire."

It's not what they mean to say, but it's what they should be saying. "Be yourself" is trash advice because 99% of people out there are already being themselves. No one is faking who they are and then wondering "why isn't it working?".

Anyone who tells you to just "be yourself" should not be trusted when it comes to dating advice. Become the best version of yourself. Be authentic to who you are, but also be attractive if you want to attract. That's the real advice.

LeopardSelect · 2024-08-26T13:34:26+00:00

You have to be willing to be more than just yourself. Being the best version of yourself is a continual process ever in motion.

MrAnonPoster · 2024-08-26T13:39:23+00:00

No really. I'm good with myself and i certainly do not give a flying fuck about someone who does not like this.

No_Chocolate_3292 · 2024-08-26T20:47:44+00:00

Yup, you're right.

There's also the fact that be authentic, don't change your ideals, beliefs, etc. just to impress someone.

Also, it's important to remember there's a difference between improving yourself and changing yourself. Always strive to improve,try to be the best you can be.

appolonysian · 2024-08-26T13:59:04+00:00

I’ve always thought of it like this:

imagine the dating scene as a battlefield - some people are charging into battle with amazing armor and weaponry (confidence and social skills) and they don’t even realize it. The rest of us are charging into battle with cardboard armor and wooden swords.

“Being yourself” works for the first category of guys - they’re unknowingly well equipped for the battle. Saying this to a dude with a wooden sword would be downright sadistic advice if they knew what they were doing. In my experience the dudes who say this usually don’t even think that hard so I wouldn’t assume they’re trying to sabotage you.

So upgrade your armor (confidence) and weapons (social skills) in any way you can. Then you can be “just be yourself, dude”

Maxspawn_ · 2024-08-26T15:56:24+00:00

Yea Ive always hated that advice. It should read as "be the best version of yourself", but reads as "do what you are doing right now, don't change anything".

_Sarah_Tonin_ · 2024-08-27T08:09:21+00:00

Find someone cool and be them

Fantastic-Life-2024 · 2024-08-27T12:53:58+00:00

Just be the best version of yourself.

If you go to the gym and workout and become buff you have changed yourself. It's a different you because your exterior experience of life will be different and positive.

MouseAware809 · 2024-08-26T10:40:34+00:00

Its a polite way of saying "Fuck off", its just lip service. By people who cannot help or do not want to help (nothing wrong with that).

However, the people who need this advice, don't understand it. The people who understand it, don't need it.

Independent-Cable937 · 2024-08-26T15:12:31+00:00

Have you met myself? That guy's a dick

DisruptorMor · 2024-08-26T15:41:27+00:00

If, in order to achieve what you want, you need to be someone you are not, is your achievement really yours? Or is it from the character you built?

And how long can you take being someone you are not? How long can you act without consequences? What are the consequences to live a lie?

If you suck, try to work on your strength instead of paying that much attention to what you supposedly lack.

Be yourself or be someone else, is that really the discussion here... ?

Shadow__Account · 2024-08-26T15:56:23+00:00

It’s correct advise, but not that easy. Your true self for sure is your most attractive self. But it is hidden under layers of social conditioning, shame, anxiety, issues etc.

Necessary-Jaguar4775 · 2024-08-26T16:08:21+00:00

The chads and don Juans give that advice because it is genuinely what they do - their self just happens to be attractive

CerebralMessiah · 2024-08-26T16:27:10+00:00

Just be yourself ❌️

Become better✅️

Some stuff comes with age,some comes from hardship,some from practice.

I remember not being able to talk to a girl when i was younger,i was complete basket case.

At 26,fter admitedly a good long while i finally am able to carry an amicable,non-creepy convo.

testylentil · 2024-08-26T16:27:39+00:00

Be yourself is actually great advice if you don't have social anxiety. The reason is because you put your true, uninhibited self out there and you get feedback from the world, and you make improvements and try again. You learn what works and what doesn't, so by allowing yourself to test itself in society, you undergo rapid improvement cycles and at the same time you make connections with people who already like what you're putting out.

No one has a default amazing self at the beginning, and the new self is still "yourself" but an improved version.

So i think be yourself, make mistakes, is a great way to live if you can stomach it, because be yourself doesn't mean the self you begin with has to be the self you end with. You can learn and grow and take the criticisms and negative reactions and make your tweaks as you go.

The problem if you are shy and filtered is that you never can be yourself. You have a tentative, neutral, neutered, appeasing, secondary version of yourself that doesn't really give much or get much. You need to train yourself over time to bring down your walls and let your true-er self come through.

The good news is once you do that, it's not that hard to catch up to everybody else.

I think this can be done with CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and exposure therapy. At least that's what worked for me. I can share more about this if anyone's curious, but for now I'll stick to the topic. I think be yourself works for extroverts, but pretty useless advice if you're not that type

offinthewoods10 · 2024-08-26T16:31:49+00:00

If you are a loser with zero social skills, style, ambition, or confidence you probably should stop being that person. Instead you need to focus on building yourself up.

You can’t start playing a new game and expect the discourse of the high level players to apply to you. What are they going to say? “You gotta get experience and grind through the bullshit for awhile but it’s worth it.”

You can either pay for your success with your time and commitment or you can quit and stay where you are now. You don’t go anywhere by bitching and moaning about how life isn’t fair.

Once you become a high quality person you’ll learn that you don’t have to try and be something you’re not. You become unapologetically yourself, maintaining a subtle confidence in everything you do. That is what is attractive, that is the kind of person women want to date and marry. A quality man who is true to himself and those around him.

innergamedude · 2024-08-26T17:12:03+00:00

I was having a conversation with a woman about the challenges/strategies of dating or something like that and the woman, I was talking to just thought this all to be absurd. "Just be yourself!" she said dismissively.

Internally, I thought well, that actually is great advice .... if you're an attractive woman who innately has dating access with virtually any man she talks to.

ooa3603 · 2024-08-26T17:25:45+00:00

It's not bad, just misinterpreted because of unstated assumptions and consequently referenced for the wrong phase of dating.

Relationships really consist of multiple phases:

Attraction - Liking a person's appearance and personality.
Information Gathering - collecting deeper knowledge of the person's background and values to check for compatibility.
Commitment - making the decision to stick with this person for the long term and prepping your life for that.
Maintenance - taking care of the relationship with actions that keep it healthy.

Casual relationships never transition passed phase 2. Serious relationships do. The people who are just interested in casual relationships don't realize that this advise is made with the assumption that there will be commitment at one point. The people giving this advise don't stop to make sure that the receiver is talking about a committed relationship.

But let me clear that up.

The people who advise "Be yourself," are assuming that you are going to progress to phase 3 at some point. And in that case, "Be yourself" is not about attracting a mate, it's about filtering mates out before you get to the commitment phase. You want mates that will appreciate the things you truly like and value.

It's about keeping the aspects of yourself that are authentic to you while you're in phase 2 and entering phase 3. You don't want to commit to a partner that will be turned off by you if you happen to like pokemon cards, video gaming, hiking, lifting, whatever. You don't want to commit to a partner that will hate when you go off on a nerdy ramble because you can't help yourself talking about these topics that interest you.

The "the best version" part was also assumed.

You need to be considerate of other people than yourself in order to maintain healthy relationships. Being an ungroomed, unhygenic slob is inconsiderate of others.

The people who didn't realize that are typically poorly socialized, neurodivergent or sometimes willfully obtuse so they don't pick up on that assumption.

Simply put, you don't have to be yourself if you're not planning on progressing to commitment, "Be yourself," is irrelevant. If you are trying to establish a committed relationship, you should absolutely be yourself so you are not committing to someone who doesn't value your values and you both end up miserable because you're stuck with partners you don't actually like.

shinn497 · 2024-08-26T19:10:11+00:00

People say this not because they want to help you but because they don't want to listen to you talk about your dating problems

yourcousinrafa · 2024-08-27T13:33:35+00:00

Good advice. My only problem with "Acting/fakin your way to.." is that it's not as lasting as working on a deeper level like identity. You can act and it will work but you risk being "knocked off" that act and not have what it takes to overcome it or deal with it. Here's an example: I'm in line at the store, behind me is a couple, the guy is ripped with prison tattoos all over.. everything about him screams I am tough. A big black guy with dreads comes straight and goes for the register...Guess who didn't say a word and played like he was on his phone. But I said something and I am not buff and I don't have tattoos, but i have heart.

So sure, act as if until you get there, but also work on your identity because that is the lasting stuff.

You can read some of my other posts that might be useful to you.

nunsaymoo · 2024-08-28T23:48:39+00:00

"Be yourself" doesn't really work when you're an asshole like me.

Silly_Randy · 2024-08-26T14:14:26+00:00

Be yourself means don't try hard. Be authentic. Don't put an act up. Be genuine. Real recognise real.

That's it.

If YOU are an issue...then it's simple. Sort yourself out.

Longjumping_Act9758 · 2024-08-26T14:31:45+00:00

Then get a therapist. You're not comfortable with yourself which is the worst position you can ever be in life. I'm saying that because I've been there. Get therapy and counseling first once you work on yourself everything else becomes automatic.

According-Resolve605 · 2024-08-26T15:12:49+00:00

It depends. If you have amazing lifestyle, good looking, having good job, understand female emotion, having rule and boundaries... then "be yourself" is all you need.

But if you are ugly as fuck, lazy like pig... then "be yourself" is the worst idea.

rzerx · 2024-08-26T16:30:58+00:00

The "be yourself' advice has left men damaged and alone. Just like the line that "you can be anything you want in life" bullshit. Like if you believe these hippy lies you're gonna be disappointed.

To succeed with bitches nowadays you have to almost be someone else. You got to take on a different persona and act somewhat differently. You got to be an actor, you got to put on an act. This is why you can't be yourself. And I blame bitches for this cuz they make us put on layers of disguise. I know it's fucked up.

I'll give you an example. I used to be myself and definitely got respect from women but not enough for them to give me that pussy. So over time I had to put on different personalities like an actor and this helped me get the pussy I wanted.

If doing whatever you have to do helps get you the pussy then all power to you. You always do what works even if you know deep down it changes who you are as a unique person or you know it's manipulative. Blame the bitches for that cuz in many cases they don't want to see you be yourself.

And this be crazy faxx

Velvettouch89 · 2024-08-27T02:39:06+00:00

Correct. Fix yourself, then be that person. Fix your insecurities, your looks, YOU'RE FUCKING HYGIENE and money

The just be yourself had the intentions of not trying to be anybody else, though goofball nerds flip it to the extreme and start being an asshole when their cringe is rejected.

saulisdating · 2024-08-26T11:09:15+00:00

It’s one of the most misunderstood advice there is. Read my post about “just be yourself” in my profile that was popular here about a year ago.

This advice is about authenticity.

pendragon2290 · 2024-08-26T13:55:29+00:00

Weird, I've always just been myself and that is usually my ticket in. When I'm trying to be someone I'm not is when I run into problems.

But what do I know? I only have 20 years of dating under my belt.

In response to "what if myself is terrible" then

A) You need to work on yourself

B) Women who fell for you not being yourself will absolutely turn tail when the real you emerges.

Title	"Just be yourself"
Author	afterjustnow
Upvotes	62
Comments	70
Date	August 26, 2024 10:22 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1f1kruw/just_be_yourself/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/just-be-yourself.1528427 https://theredarchive.com/post/1528427

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