No bs, are my standards delusional?

lqtys · 2022-10-29T12:26:14+00:00

It's a matter of where are you looking.

For example, if you like women who like to read, try to meet women at a library, or go to classes or activities of that kind of women, meditation classes, writing, painting, aromatherapy, maybe even church activities (?).

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Emergency_Surprise77 · 2022-10-29T14:29:51+00:00

Im a female and i look for very similar tthings like yours. Its very hard. Even the drinking/smoking alone is super common where I am. Im also introverted as well.

RunsFastAfterCoffee · 2022-10-29T14:37:09+00:00

My suggestion is to seek girls out in places that reflect the qualities you're looking for. Like obviously a religious girl can be found at church. A fit girl can be found at a gym, hiking group, running group, etc. I think you need to be around those kinds of groups to meet someone. Also, if you're on the apps, use profile that emphasizes those qualities in yourself.

Bodacious_Dad_Bod · 2022-10-29T14:02:09+00:00

Not delusional. You’ll just weed out a good portion of the population. Won’t meet these women in bars.

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Emergency_Surprise77 · 2022-10-29T14:35:23+00:00

Im a female and i look for very similar tthings like yours. Its very hard. Even the drinking/smoking alone is super common where I am. Im also introverted as well.

QtK_Dash · 2022-10-29T15:14:36+00:00

I feel like it’s pretty restrictive if you’re 100% stuck on these? I understand having some characteristics or preferences that are a no-no but do you meet all women’s standards? No. No one does so I’d suggest maybe prioritizing your list based on values rather than your idea of perfection (in terms of your preferences) unless 1. You’re not looking to compromise or settle down anytime soon. 2. You think/you’ve been told you’re someone else’s idea of perfection.

For example— does she have to read? Or be curious? I’m an avid reader, my boyfriend doesn’t ever read. I couldn’t care less because he finds other sources of knowledge and inspiration.

Does she have to be introverted? Not all extroverts are the same as your ex? Isn’t this you putting your baggage on someone else?

Does having 3 or 4 relationships make you a thot now? Does it matter what someone has done in their past if they’re perfect for you, especially if they’re willing to be with you long term?

What do you define as toxic baggage? To me, saying I’ve dated one extrovert who was a bitch so all extroverts must be bitches seems borderline toxic?

Does religion, in this day and age, especially if you’re not all that religious, matter? As for the drugs or health or crazy shit— I feel like that’s a base prerequisite for most people. You either do it/care/have it or you don’t.

Artist-in-Residence- · 2022-10-29T13:10:35+00:00

She was my type to a tee. Introverted, book-lover, gym-goer, attractive, lowkey, anti-alcohol/drugs, educated, no interest in clubbing, pure romantic (no hookups) + all the other good personality traits.

I like people who drink, enjoy good wine and specialty beers and will experiment with psychadelics once in awhile, so a total teetotaller wouldn't mesh with me....

Obviously this is different from a person who is a coke fiend and needs to snort cocaine 5x a day upon waking...

I prefer to be with people who have discipline and enjoy things in moderation but have strong impulse control.

Am I too deluded in my expectations?

I don't think you are, you should keep looking and get yourself out there

traveler_0027 · 2022-10-29T14:51:05+00:00

i know a handful of women that I work with who met that criteria. But they are all currently married or in relationships. I think it matters where you are looking for them. Clubs and bars are not going to have many introverts. But dating apps has mostly people looking for casual. Honestly I've asked myself this question before too., where to find introverts who are not thots with addiction problems.... Where are you currently searching?

emerson4778 · 2022-10-29T15:25:13+00:00

Could be the area you’re in. When I lived down south it wasn’t hard at all to find a quality partner who wasn’t into hookups and actually wanted to build a monogamous relationship. When I moved up north I was bombarded with polyamory and hookup culture (not an issue, people are free to do what they want it’s just not what I want) it took me three years to find my partner. It will take time but I’m sure they’re out there.

letsgetrandy · 2022-10-29T12:12:33+00:00

Your trouble is that your list is all disqualifies. This is reactionary, and it means YOU are the problem. A healthy list would be positive qualifiers, rather than negative disqualifies — things like open-minded, adventurous, warm, welcoming, active, intelligent, thoughtful, etc.

The lens you use to view the world is 100% responsible for what you will see.

JohntheAnabaptist · 2022-10-29T14:21:34+00:00

Put it into percentages, what percent of women fit x criteria going down your list. Then maximize your odds to fulfill your goals

Intelligent_Badger96 · 2022-10-29T14:47:28+00:00

Definitely sounds like you're looking for someone that's super similar to you. Definitely figure out your deal breakers and what you can live with. Opposites definitely attract. But think about it as what can you both bring to the table to add value to one another.

TheRealMe54321 · 2022-10-29T16:33:37+00:00

Bro join a church

Baron_Semedi_ · 2022-10-29T14:42:56+00:00

Your standards seem the typical normal stable male desires for a wife or girlfriend. For a mental case like myself, this is kinda of amusing to me because half of this i don't want. Where the hoes at? Those who don't believe in religion or astrological nonsense? Feels like i keep attracting prudes or hoes who are too loud and annoying. Also like them fucking crazy sensitive and caring. Like you though, very much value the interest in reading, being intelligent and introverted too. Feels like introverted women with high sex drive don't exist. I know they do but damn where are can i find em? It's my standards that are considered delusional bro.

SeaPen333 · 2022-10-29T14:48:00+00:00

A lot of these are pretty sliding scale.

"No toxic shit" could mean anything. Does it mean coming from a divorced family? Does it mean that the person was sexually assaulted in their past?

No Crazy shit- does that mean no crying ever?

" not a thot." Does that mean having previous sexual partners? Put a number down on how many previous sexual partners are acceptable.

Healthy/gym- how regularly must she attend the gym? Is once per week/month acceptable?

Doing some quick back of the napkin tabulations, lets say 20% of women attend gym regularly, 30% are religious, 50% have not been sexually assaulted or come from a divorced family and 70% don't have any mental illness. You're looking at 2% of the population.

Edit- oh I forgot to add that less than 5 sexual partners. Make that 1%

If you're willing to date someone in their 30's or 40's I think you will have better luck. Or use a dating service.

2022-10-29T13:53:41+00:00

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DoodoaX · 2022-10-29T13:35:36+00:00

If you live in a western country where feminism is widely accepted, it’s going to be very difficult to find a girl that fits all of your criteria regardless of your status or income. I don’t personally think that your standards are delusional, but in the west, there are not many girls that will fit the criteria.

TheRealestBiz · 2022-10-29T14:01:54+00:00

Is this. . .is this a joke?

Romance doesn’t work like this.

MaxProdigal · 2022-10-29T14:13:10+00:00

Reading this, you sound awfully judgy. So maybe it’s too much, or maybe it’s just you.

A lot of it is “had this in the past…can’t do it again”. That’s very short sighted in my opinion. Not everything manifests itself the same way. An extrovert? I feel like that can look A TON of different ways. The list itself may not seem unreasonable, but your approach does.

2022-10-29T13:00:31+00:00

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Dorsiflexionkey · 2022-10-29T12:37:36+00:00

It's not that your standards are necessarily too high, it's that you may be too entitled for what you offer.

If you can match those standards, ideally be better than those standards (not from your own opinion, but based in objective reality) then there's no issue. But keep in mind that the people who are of this particular standard may not find you attractive.

LucianU · 2022-10-29T14:27:28+00:00

What happened to your relationship with your ex? Why did it end?

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GeishaDoll26 · 2022-10-29T16:09:59+00:00

It’s hard to find for sure but it’s definitely out there

great_account · 2022-10-29T15:11:42+00:00

You don't sound like much fun. Go to Church? I feel like that selects for people you might be into.

kinhk · 2022-10-29T15:10:30+00:00

If you live in the us you can go ahead and scrap most of these. You'd be hard pressed to find a chick who doesn't do drugs, isn't a thot, in shàpe, and religious lol.

Few_Ebb9489 · 2022-10-29T15:38:35+00:00

Try to use less criteria though, combining some of those narrows the list to. Somewhere like 1 in 10.000 persons.

Instead of gym, accept those just in decent shape. Religious well... All.of.them have SOME baggage. If its not too bad it's workable.

Maddzilla2793 · 2022-10-29T15:51:15+00:00

I’ve been told to settle for 60% of my list. It’s hard to get close to 100%

vegancrossfiter · 2022-10-29T16:03:34+00:00

I dont think these are high standards, pretty casual if you ask me. You can find a woman like this but it might take some time and luck, you could make a compromise on a few things like religion and amount of reading she does which seem a bit specific but other than that its alright

Ilovemeandthatscool · 2022-10-29T16:12:18+00:00

Maybe you should just see who you like and be accepting of who they are and let yourself love someone.

rangamatchstick · 2022-10-29T16:22:10+00:00

Nope they are mostly fair standards, takes a while to find people like that though, took me about 5 years of looking to find my partner, just keep looking and date lots to find out if people are a match.

Archyblackcat · 2022-10-29T16:33:08+00:00

No crazy shit isn’t too self-explanatory, it’s subjective.. and not a Thot ?? Bro even if a girl doesn’t cheat on you, believe me !! They are checking out guys left and right when you’re not there.. just like men check out and talk about girls when our girls aren’t present … other than that, you should be able to find one .. about reading though and being religious uhh it’s gonna be harder but they’re out there .

Theory_Antique · 2022-10-29T16:41:58+00:00

Im critical about some points to be honest.

For example looking for someone who is introverted:

People are in a spectrum which means they have traits of extroverted behaviour as well as introverted behaviour. Of course the extremes exist too … Maybe your Last extrovert was Too much because she represented being an extrovert?

People who read is the second Point where I would like to know What you mean… Someone can read a 1000 Fantasy Books and still couldnt care less about very important Happenings around the World…

Maybe I misunderstood you maybe I didnt you should look into those points a Little deeper

Professional_Kick149 · 2022-10-29T16:53:13+00:00

two things.

you’ve had one bad experience w an extrovert, i don’t think you should rule out every single prospect bc they’re an extrovert. there are extroverted woman who can respect you and your wishes
when u say not a thot what does that mean to you. how many bodies she has? her doing casual flings in the moment? if ur considering her past into her being a thot then it’ll be harder to find a woman for yourself.

Kiltmanenator · 2022-10-29T16:56:01+00:00

I don't think they are. Two things to think about:

-Are you the type of person that the person you're looking for, is looking for?

-Are you looking for that person in the same places they'd look? Spaces that align with your values and hobbies?

It's good to have standards and be polarizing about what you want.

One question:

No drugs/smoking/heavy drinking

"no heavy drinking" would seem to imply you're fine with drinking in moderation. Is that so?

LiberecLurker · 2022-10-29T16:56:49+00:00

I don’t think the general outline of your standards is too high or unreasonable, I just think you need to make some adjustments and be realistic about what you’re looking for and where

For example, introverted, why? You mention you had an introverted ex and not gonna do that again, but I will guess what you REALLY don’t like it attention seeking, hoe-y behavior, trying to be the protagonist or be the spotlight in every situation, these are annoying “extrovert” traits, but being extrovert on itself is not bad

I’ve known some extrovert girls that are a delight to be around, they’ll take the initiative in things, sometimes they have approached me, they’ll take me out to dance, they’ll make friends with my friends super quickly, they loosen up and talk a lot, have fun and be awesome to be around

So you completely discarding extroverted girls cuz of a negative experience with someone extroverted? Nah, bro, not smart

Other traits such as religious, not hoe-y, not casual sex, I think are reasonable but you need to understand that most people in a party/bar scene or dating apps are NOT gonna be like that, so you’d be better off joining a religious club, making friends with girls in libraries, church comunities, coffee shops, etc rather than the more mainstream sexually charged party/dating apps scene

I don’t think your standards are unreasonable, but you’re closing yourself off to a big portion of the population, I don’t have your standards and dating is kind of a struggle, so if you’re ultra picky it may be worse, if you’re gonna keep your standards you need to know where to look and maybe loosen up (at least a bit?) in some things, also I assume you’re young, there’s nothing wrong with one night stands and shit

If not, work with what you can and I’m sure you got it

the_golden_b · 2022-10-29T16:59:07+00:00

I was just having this discussion with my homies yesterday night. It’s hard out here do those of us that aren’t clubbing or taking drugs

Charge36 · 2022-10-29T17:08:45+00:00

I think you should relax your standards. You come off as super judgy. Like for example what is it about thotness or hooking up that is a deal breaker for you? I tend to find people who think like this are thinly veiled misogynists

recyclablebanthas · 2022-10-30T15:22:42+00:00

1

I feel like I can't find anyone that meets my standards.....

It is pretty common for people to set their standards so high because they're afraid of getting hurt and making standards really high means that you don't let anyone get close enough to hurt you.

2

Here is my criteria:

Introverted (had an extroverted ex - not doing that shit ever again).

These terms themselves don't really mean too much because most people are on a continuum: they are a mix of the two.

But out of curiosity, what do you mean by extroverted ex? Like what was she actually doing? Extroversion by itself is not necessarily a bad thing.

3

I value people who read (I mean this isn't just exclusive to women, but in this case I guess so).

This is not really a huge expectation or standard.

The question is what they read and what you read.

4

No drugs/smoking/heavy drinking (grew up around all that shit, lives ruined, massive turn off for me).

This one's not a huge deal either. Or it shouldn't be.

The question is whether you are hanging out in places that attract people who abuse substances. If you are, then you're kind of screwing yourself over.

5

Healthy/gym (I take care of myself, so I need someone who's on the same vibe).

There's a fine line on this one. It's pretty common for people in their teens and twenties to place the bar too high on this one and kind of expect any candidates to basically be college level/olympic level athletes.

Which really is unrealistic if you've unintentionally arrived at standards like that.

6

Not a thot (I've only had 2 relationship and I don't do casual shit, so I expect the same).

You really depends on how you are defining thot.

A lot of people end up having casual encounters at some point in their lives. Especially after getting burned. It's a pretty typical way of recovering before coming back to a more serious mindset.

What matters is where someone is now. A lot of people have a past. Expecting people to have the same past as you is unrealistic if that's what you've arrived at.

7

No crazy shit (self-explanatory)

What does crazy mean to you? Because many of us have had a variety of experiences in this department.

8

No toxic baggage (I'm a fairly value-driven, non-problematic guy, so I don't want someone adding their bs into my life).

This is not unrealistic.

9

Religious...ish.

Not unrealistic. But you might want to try and meet people at church events perhaps.

10

But it's like I attract the opposite of what I'm after.....

If there's a pattern, then the common denominator is likely you and it's going to take a little time to unravel that.

I have seen that pattern in my friends and experienced it directly in my own life. It's super common to have standards that are completely at odds with the people you're actually unintentionally attracting.

11

I'm brutally honest with myself and a massive part of my hang-up on these traits is that my recent ex checked all those boxes.

What went wrong with that relationship?

Title	No bs, are my standards delusional?
Author	stick7_
Upvotes	35
Comments	92
Date	October 29, 2022 11:40 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/yghfs1/no_bs_are_my_standards_delusional/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/no-bs-are-my-standards-delusional.1247502 https://theredarchive.com/post/1247502

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