So I'm a hardcore people pleaser, which seems like a bad thing for attracting people. My issues mainly come with attempting to make people laugh and not make them mad. How do I break this bad habit?

ItzFOBolous · 2018-12-18T19:37:23+00:00

I was the same way. Managed to minimize this tendency by prioritizing myself, my own feelings, and what i want. And instead of trying win other people's approval, i recognize what i have to offer...good career, have a house, have a car, relatively fit...and start thinking, do THEY meet MY standards. And before i start doing something for someone, i ask myself if they would do the same for me (part of prioritizing yourself).

And also understand that it is literally impossible to satisfy everyone. Jesus, Buddha, and Ghandi all had haters. Another rationale i used for this is that there are just different type of people out there...some people are just compatible and some are not. The coolest jock can never be friends with the coolest gamer. The coolest wallstreet businessman can never be friends with the coolest environmentalist. Elon Musk, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, and Warrent Buffet will never associate with the Kardashians and Kanye West despite everyone i mentioned being in the apex of their field. Why? Cause they're different type of people. If you can't along with one, it's not you personally. You and that person are just different types of people and isn't compatible.

Also be willing and ok with cutting out leeches, fake friends, and girls who are only using you out of your life.

All of this is only possible if you work on yourself first and become the best possible you you can possibly be. And the change in mentality takes time. When you catch yourself retreating your people pleasing tendency, stop yourself and value yourself. When it comes to girls, if you are the best possible you, there always will be a next one.

Helmet_Icicle · 2018-12-18T20:29:27+00:00

Stop making your self-worth contingent on external validation.

Self-confidence is just that: confidence from the self.

suffering_synt4x · 2018-12-18T20:00:29+00:00

Start being bothered by not getting what you want. Look how much time you're spending on other people and realize it's OK for people to not like you. Truth is most ppl will still like you, and they only superficially like you anyway. Take away all the stuff you do for them and they don't really like you for you anyway. Somebody not laughing at your jokes doesn't mean they don't like you.

Seddittrowit · 2018-12-18T20:13:32+00:00

Being a people pleaser, if done without exagerating, is GREAT for the game. Sociable people get laid more and that's a fact despite what PUA and other alpha male wants make you believe. You just have to learn how to "close". Don't be afraid to ask a girl out, don't be afraid to make a move, don't be afraid to tell your feelings. Just do it

DrLio · 2018-12-18T19:56:32+00:00

You are a pushover. You want to cause the least amount of trouble. You don’t believe you can handle a situation if the person decides to abandon you.

Abundance mentality will solve it. If a particular person doesn’t like you, move on.

YoLoDrScientist · 2018-12-18T22:28:47+00:00

First off - I agree with a lot of other people have said here.

Secondly, I honestly think you can make people laugh by giving them a hard time in a clever way. This way you're able to still be confident, not make them mad, show your wit, and still make them laugh.

I've had my problems (past and present) about being too nice. I've spent much of 2018 working on improving myself and my worth. It's been very hard and a lot of work but I feel like I've really made progress.

One example would be I met a girl and I was my normal self (confident, firm, etc.) or whatever and we clicked. Eventually, we got a little more serious and kind of "dated". Once we hit this "dating" stage I stopped giving her a hard time, being as firm about what I wanted, and it made me appear less confident. I only did these things because I really liked her and wanted her to be happy about what we did, etc. etc.

This ended up being my downfall. She (like many other girls) didn't like me to be this nice push-over. Since I stopped talking with her and started dating other girls I've stopped turing into this nice guy after we start "dating" and it's worked wonders for me. This has happened with plenty of other girls (the nice-guy thing once we "date") but this was one example. I'm doing my best to stick to my guns after we hit that "dating" stage now... and it's been working!

Hope this helps! Good luck out there!

BayesianBits · 2018-12-18T20:00:05+00:00

Read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson

piperson · 2018-12-19T01:40:33+00:00

I was a people pleaser. I didn't even know that I was till I found out what that was. A people pleaser is effected when someone doesn't approve of his actions. Someone with confidence simply doesn't care if that person is mad or not, though I never do things that I think would annoy people.

I am a genuinely nice person and if I have a dollar to share I will. And that hasn't changed even now. If I can help someone I will, but I have found that, at times, and to certain people, it makes you look weak or suspect, like you want something more from them.

Have you ever done something nice for someone and afterward it became real awkward to be around them? This happens a lot, and I think that sometimes it's more polite not to help someone out rather than create this dynamic of person in power and one who is helpless. Some people prefer not to take handouts. Or if I offer a girl a beer, she's thinking, "what does he want from me?"

People pleasing, in my case, came from my feeling helpless at times and wanting to prevent someone else from feeling helpless. But sometimes you can't save someone. Sometimes they need to go through stuff on their own. Because they won't appreciate the help you give and fall back into the same trouble.

As I said, I'm a genuinely nice and social person. I enjoy meeting people and having conversations, but I've become much more sensitive to people's moods. If I see signs that someone doesn't enjoy my conversation or presence, then I stop talking or leave. If someone doesn't enjoy my company, I go find someone who does or go off on my own, which I am more than happy to do.

Before I would worry if I hurt someone's feelings and when a girl was troubled, it would make me anxious. Now I know enough not to get bent out of shape when someone else is upset. Sometimes I think remaining calm under stressful circumstances is a superpower because you can avoid most problems AND appear much more attractive when you can remain calm under any circumstances. For example most shit tests can be overcome simply by remaining calm and carefree.

The way you stop being a nice guy is by doing things that you enjoy and not letting others stop you from enjoying those things. When I meet girls in a club, I'm there because I love to dance. If I meet a girl and she gives me the brush off, I'm back on the dance floor, dancing my ass off. Who gives a fuck what she thinks, I'm there to have fun and dance and no one is going to stop me from that. Getting a girl or being rejected are secondary to my dancing. I have no control over what others do but I can control what I feel and what I do. And because I know I'm fun, I'm happy to have fun with others, but if they are not having fun, I know that it's has nothing to do with me, so I don't sweat it. I know I'm fun they could be having fun too but if they are not, it's their loss, not mine, because I will still have fun. Be outcome independent. Don't need anyone's approval. Do things that you love is one of the most attractive traits a person can have. If you ever talk to someone who is passionate, you will see how attractive they are.

Knawledgeall · 2018-12-18T18:49:12+00:00

Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover?

Achilles_Of_Reddit · 2018-12-18T20:25:26+00:00

Every now and then when somebody acts like a dick to you, you just have to tell them to go fuck themselves. I know you may think “I don’t want to burn that bridge because what if it bites me in the ass later?” Look, man. If someone is trying to take advantage of you because of how much of a people pleaser you are and they’re trying to use you, you can’t let them do it. It might seem like a loss for you in the short term, but in the long run, it helps out. I use to be too nice and timid to tell people to go fuck themselves when they made me mad, but now it’s actually kind of fun. It gets easier every time to you do it. You always have to look out for #1 (YOU) and put YOURSELF before ANYBODY ELSE. Otherwise, you’ll forever be cursed with a life of dissatisfaction and self-inflicted frustration.

CleanWholesomePhun · 2018-12-18T22:24:04+00:00

So if you're just really kind-hearted, there's nothing inherently wrong with that, it's just a bad thing if it drives you to suck up to or bend over backwards for approval and seem pathetic.

The solution is to have the same high standard for how you treat everyone and have your own lines and boundaries that you always enforce no matter what. Then you're not the loser sniffing pretty girls' farts trying to curry their favor... you're just the really kind person that cares about everyone. Shitty people will test you, but if you can put them in their place (but not too brutally) you get tons of respect.

If you can manage, it's a really attractive balance.

AsianGuyWithACold · 2018-12-18T22:48:42+00:00

I honestly think these traits are okay - My issues mainly come with attempting to make people laugh and not make them mad. If someone is actively trying to make me laugh - all for it! If I'm talking to someone, of course I don't want to get them made. Even if we have a disagreement in opinions, its a lot easier to talk things out when neither group is mad.

I think the problem would lie if you compromise your own values and beliefs in order to make people laugh and not making them mad. If you believe confidently in your own values and beliefs, while respecting those other others - I think you can make people laugh, not get them mad, and not be a push over at the same time.

And not give a shit in general about others so much - give a shit about others! If you want someone to be interested in you, you have to be interested in them (Got that from the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" - one of the books that I am so happy I read). Learn to see things from other people's perspectives, and they will appreciate you more for that. Its a hard skill that people admire in my opinion. Don't give a shit about people's negative opinions might be a better motto.

agpc · 2018-12-18T20:27:38+00:00

Literally stop giving a fuck about what other people think and be yourself. If something you believe happens to please someone else, good for them. If something you believe happens to bother someone else, too fucking bad.

Funkimonkey · 2018-12-19T07:17:19+00:00

I make people laugh all the time and try to not make them mad. I have no problem getting women or leading men/getting male friends.

The difference?

I’m not approval-seeking. I do it because I genuinely enjoy making people happy. If they don’t laugh, I don’t give a shit. If they get mad, I don’t give a shit.

Analyze why you are seeking approval and address that issue head on.

Laimis666 · 2018-12-19T14:17:23+00:00

It's not a bad habit as long as it doesn't look like you're looking for something out of it. But that's almost impossible to achieve...

TTV-DontEvnTrip · 2018-12-18T23:08:07+00:00

Be a hardcore people pleasure for everyone is totally fine, just put yourself as the main person first. If you can’t please yourself with the people around you they are no good for you.

THEGEECKO · 2018-12-19T04:15:05+00:00

Read Disease to please, my life changed after I read the book and hope yours will change :)

saulisdating · 2018-12-19T04:21:21+00:00

Turn all of that inwards. Become a hardcore yourself-pleaser, in the sense that you should attempt to make yourself laugh instead.

Self-amusement is immensely attractive. Just don't become too self-centered. Find a balance.

Trowawaycausebanned4 · 2018-12-19T06:02:13+00:00

It’s a skill / important for some people. But don’t do it too much or more than you want to. Just be yourself, we all have different personalities

Tokemoke · 2018-12-19T06:40:37+00:00

Get out more. Put yourself in more social situations. You will realize that there is no need to be so serious and that most people are really just looking to be heard and want to feel important. I used to be similar.

uptimex · 2018-12-19T06:44:53+00:00

Dude it is easier than you think "Just put under the question everyone, challenge everyone. Who they really are? What habits do they have? Are they really gods?"

UnjustStonecutter · 2018-12-19T07:51:13+00:00

Thanks for this. Something I needed to hear today.

I've started doing this (I think). I've been lifting weights, eating better and just generally focusing on myself and forcing myself to get out of my shell (talking yo everyone from the Uber driver to the shop assistant to that colleague I bump into at the water cooler to friends of friends and expanding my social circle. So it has opened me up to more people and the principles those individuals stand for (if they have any).

Along with this I began writing down the principles I stand for (based on my political views, philosophies, experiences and interactions with others)

I have also used this to think of the principles I find attractive in others.

One thing that I have begun to realise is taking note of people (including old friends) who might stand for or represent traits that go against my principles. For example a close friend (F, 25) who is prone to be over dramatic, attention seeking, a social climber and willing to dump you if you're not socially beneficial to her.

For a long time before 'loving myself" I would let her act out these traits around me and despite my reservations i would comfort her despite her being over dramatic or bitchy. The rationale her being an old friend so I should always be there. But now I am realising that these negative traits are not in line with me and what I stand for. So I have started to slowly cut her loose and find people who appreciate me and are in line with my world views and understandings.

I hope I'm going about this the right way. But I do feel way more confident in myseld.

acertenay · 2018-12-19T13:57:33+00:00

Great answers in this thread. On a sidenote "No more mr nice guy" is a great book on this topic.

inspiredshane · 2018-12-19T15:02:52+00:00

Start picking arguments. Make people mad. After the arguments pass, you’ll see that you aren’t dead.

ledbymorpheus · 2018-12-19T16:03:23+00:00

Read the six pillars of self esteem, no more mr nice guy, have goals and be working towards them, and learn how to become masculine.

eht_amgine_enihcam · 2018-12-21T01:22:30+00:00

Since no one's mentioned it: sports are good, but especially martial arts. I feel super people pleasers are generally raised mostly by their mother, and so have pretty feminine values, trying to always make the group happy. In any sports team, you're going to get the shit ribbed out of you if you're not assertive. In martial arts, you're going to have some other guy try to beat the shit out of you while you do the same to him. Doesn't get more assertive than that. After that, who cares if you make someone mad.

Also, practice. If there's an awkward silence, just let it sit sometimes.

peanutnutter250 · 2018-12-18T18:59:58+00:00

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FLOPPY_DONKEY_DICK · 2018-12-18T22:11:53+00:00

Gain more confidence. Easier said than done though.

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