Someone please differentiate the differences between "Oneitis" and "Actually have reasonable feelings and want to be a couple"

razqel · 2011-07-20T06:05:45+00:00

Oneitis. One-sided love. You feel needy and dependent on the other person. You put in far more effort than she does. You sacrifice your self-respect and dignity to be with someone who doesn't feel the same way.

Healthy relationship. Mutual love. You're independently happy and a "complete" person outside of her. She adds something extra to your life, not substitutes it. She has earned your love and respect for good reasons.

CoreLogic · 2011-07-20T05:03:45+00:00

Not everything but I'll toss out some stuff that falls in the Oneitis category.

Pining away for someone who doesn't reciprocate your feelings.
Letting someone treat you like shit because you are in love with them.

Edit:

Going to extremes (large travel distances, or huge outlays of money) in the hopes of hooking up with a specific person.
Pinning all of your hopes & dreams on one girl that you just met but have not established any kind of a reciprocal relationship with.

Ledatru · 2011-07-20T06:09:46+00:00

Oneitis is when you're blind to any negative aspect of the woman. If she stands you up, you accept it. If she doesn't do what she says she's going to do, you say it it's OK. You let her disrespect you because you think she's "the one," and that there is no one else like her.

A regular relationship should be that you like the woman, and she has positive qualities, but she's not perfect. You're dating her because she brings you more happiness than sadness, and because you care about her, you're willing to work with her and make sacrifices. She, in turn, does the same. You won't allow yourself to get stepped on by her, because if she does, then you know you deserve better and that you will break up with her.

codewarriornc · 2011-07-20T05:33:14+00:00

Play hardcore mode. Multiple main girlfriends at once. I would say that the experience is worth it if you haven't had it already. It'll teach you as much about yourself as it does about women.

Bonus objective: They have to know about each other.

nonatal · 2011-07-20T05:03:05+00:00

Oneitis = putting them on a pedestal/one true love with no equal/I could never find anyone better.

Healthy relationship = this person is the bees knees and makes me very happy, but is a flawed human being just like myself and any other.

2011-07-20T05:38:38+00:00

Oneitis is any situation where you're committing time, effort, or emotions when it is completely unwarranted (e.g., unrequited love).

Healthy relationship is when both parties are agreed upon the terms of their interactions as well as open to talking about potential changes to said relationship. Most importantly, both parties are putting forth an effort.

Wanting a healthy relationship requires both sides to agree. If one of the parties isn't participating, it can be redefined as oneitis.

gerusz · 2011-07-20T05:38:51+00:00

Oneitis = having these feelings based on a presumption rather than on her actual personality.

SubGothius · 2011-07-20T08:30:30+00:00

More specifically in terms of seduction, Oneitis is concerned with "How to win over this one particular woman," rather than, "How to meet and attract more women."

Someone with a case of Oneitis hopes seduction will give him a sort of "magic love spell" that can be applied towards a specific gal he already has in mind, in order to "make" her fall for him, rather than a set of self-improvements that more generally improve his odds of successfully meeting more women and, yes, having more of them more likely to fall for him.

ZorbaTHut · 2011-07-20T11:37:00+00:00

Oneitis: this song.

Not oneitis: this song.

meathooks · 2011-07-20T07:36:38+00:00

in one instance you're actually a couple

Nexism · 2011-07-20T07:58:36+00:00

Effectively, they're both almost the same thing.

Emotions cloud your judgement and cause oneitis.

[e] Oh, and don't forget oneitis is one sided.

JamesDarc · 2011-07-20T08:59:16+00:00

The word is boneitis, dork. BONEITIS

CunningLanguageUser · 2011-07-20T09:30:25+00:00

I have nothing to directly add here, and I believe your question has been answered.

But I've always found it troubling that the only time I've been oneitis-y was with a girl who actually wooed me, something I never really believed possibly, from which then followed a glorious honeymoon period. Eventually I screwed things up (I happily admit it) and she lost interest in me, leading to the most bizarre LJBF I've ever heard, which left me pretty heart-broken and I remained uninterested in anyone else for quite a while. It felt like I gained ten years' worth of experience in so short a time, but it was horrible. However, my point is, my feelings didn't change, just the circumstances did.

Without beating around the bush, and at the risk of being soppy, it may not be genuine love, but oneitis is at least a word for being 'in' love in a certain set of circumstances, i.e. it's demonstrably one-sided, the existence of the (broken or non-existent) relationship is discouraging any others forming, and most importantly, it's making you unhappy.

However, I don't think playing the game very safely, never sailing close to the wind in terms of allowing yourself to connect and be happy with someone, would ever be fulfilling, despite how habitual it can become. Deep down, I'm sure anyone who's suffered from oneitis knows this. Basically, oneitis is great, so long as the feelings are mutual (then it's not oneitis but you get my point). I hope no one ever truly tries to banish the emotions. They have their place.

derpiato · 2011-07-20T10:23:08+00:00

I think usually oneitus occurs when the girl happens to give that AFC some attention. It's like 'woah! She smiled at me! She must be the one!'.

Oneitus is your brain/pysche taking a shortcut to think *'I just need this one thing, and that will solve everything'. *

It's nice to think things like that, it would make life very simple if that were the case, but it's not. This sort of thinking occurs in other ways like 'If I won the lottery I would be happy', 'if only those people respected me, then I'd be happy' etc.

Oneitus is eroniously thinking that there is something special about the one person. The fact is, all humans are pretty similar. Yes definately some people are 'better' than others, (or 'more to our tastes' is probably a nicer way of putting it), but those good ones aren't totally rare, there are plenty more of them out there.

In terms of 'wanting to have a relationship' ... can I argue that this isn't the male role? The reason you want a relationship is for the security, and for 'not having to try' - once you're in the relationship you can relax and just enjoy the poon. But this is just you being lazy. If the girl is totally awesome, the way the relationship should occur, is that she entices you into the relationship - it's not you trying to forge it. (Well, part of it would be you hanging around enough to keep her interested and not going off with other men).

chosonhawk · 2011-07-20T11:38:59+00:00

Oneitis is...nice

http://approachanxiety.com/2011/01/ode-to-nice/

TheEngDude · 2011-07-21T01:32:32+00:00

Great responses so far. To make things even more concise:

Healthy: Wanting somebody

Oneitis: Needing somebody

yhercool · 2011-07-21T04:07:31+00:00

"Oneitis" is feeling as if this ONE person is the person you want to be with, and that no other person will do. It makes you try way too hard for the one person, and look unattractive as a result.

Having feelings for one person over all others isn't a bad thing, but you have to go into it with the attitude that if it doesn't work out, it isn't the end of the world - there are a lot of great girls out there, and losing one doesn't mean you won't find a better one right around the corner.

yokhai · 2011-07-20T13:14:13+00:00

Oneits is when the girl does not return the same feelings.

Un-requited love that turns into obsession to "win" her in someway.

seanm27 · 2011-07-20T13:52:18+00:00

Hmm, not sure if there is a real difference. I mean to the oneitis afflicted person it always seems like a reasonable desire.

WitherSlick · 2011-07-20T15:23:30+00:00

I'm totally okay with these definitions guys! I thought by oneitis you simply ment people should never have one parter, a piece of "seddit advice" which I was happy to ignore. This is much more reasonable and enlightening.

Shuttlecock · 2011-07-21T01:17:11+00:00

trick question. there is no such thing

DocFreeman · 2011-07-20T05:06:35+00:00

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This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

Groovy_Peppers · 2011-07-20T14:06:27+00:00

Not wanting to see and meet other girls because of her and she is still going out with other guys.

Title	Someone please differentiate the differences between "Oneitis" and "Actually have reasonable feelings and want to be a couple"
Author	side2
Upvotes	74
Comments	53
Date	July 20, 2011 4:49 AM UTC (15 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/iuj7l/someone_please_differentiate_the_differences/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/someone-please-differentiate-the-differences.1320462 https://theredarchive.com/post/1320462

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