Communication IS NOT key

I read a lot of psychology books and I came across this psychologist and his works in one of them recently. It basically confirms what people have been saying on here about how communication is not key for a good relationship, and the criticism of the ability or responsibility to communicate often falls on the woman (think “jUsT cOmMuNiCaTe” comments in other relationship subs).

Dr John Gottman wrote a book after spending a 14 year period observing over 650 straight couples. He also observed many LGBTQ+ couples as well with similar findings.

Gottman notes that most marriages fail after seeking couples therapy, because of the common advice from therapists which is usually to simply “communicate” to one another.

“Under the heading, ‘why most marriage therapy fails’ Gottman reveals the biggest myth of professional councilling: that communication between partners is the key to a happy, lasting marriage.”

He notes that communicating grievances can work for short periods of time, but eventually couples will fall back into the same problems within a year, and will resent each other increasingly.

The idea of “communicating” to solve problems with a partner originated from the psychologist, Carl Rogers, who claimed that non-judgemental listening and acceptance of another persons feelings creates rapport.

Gottman’s other research found that most arguments between couples were caused by majorly differing opinions;

E.g) You want kids and marriage but your partner doesn’t.

Your partner watches porn but you think it is wrong.

Your partner flirts with other women in front of you and you hate that.

Gottman claims the key to a good relationship is friendship. Mutual respect, fondness and admiration are counters to the disgust and resentment one can feel toward a partner. He claims everyday acts of kindness and daily attentions are what make a marriage strong.

I think the take away from his work is that communication is useless in solving conflict if the problem is bigger than the argument itself. I see this a lot with friends who date someone completely different to them in terms of politics, interests, beliefs; and they claim them as their “soulmate” but are baffled by all the arguing and suffering they endure. They commit themselves to endless communicating that goes nowhere and then they begin to resent each other.

Date people who share the same important opinions as you, and want the same things as you. This isn’t to say you can’t date someone who has differing music taste or doesn’t like the beach, but dating someone with different fundamental beliefs to yours is going to cause you a lot of heartache that isn’t going to be solved with communication.

Remember this next time someone tells you to communicate with your partner. It’s poor advice that ignores the reality that you might just be incompatible or unable to maintain the deep friendship and respect that a good marriage requires.

Gottmans research supports FDS’ “thank u next” mindset, that discourages women from staying with someone out of fear or comfort and wasting immense amounts of time and energy trying to communicate with someone incompatible with us, for the sake of it. It encourages you to find someone who aligns with your deepest beliefs and standards, and build a relationship based on respect and understanding that doesn’t require constant communicating.

Sources:

50 Great Psychology Classics (2007) by Tom Butler-Brown.

A Couples Guide to Communication (1979) by John M Gottman.